The Breakup

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An argument...
An argument... | Source
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A Personal Choice…

This hasn't been my longest relationship. Neither has it been my shortest. That’s the nature of relationships, I suppose. They end…with the ending rarely being as nice as the beginnings.

The butterflies of excitement that flutter into your life at the establishment of the relationship have, long since, been replaced by the frustrated flapping of moths trying to escape into any conceivable bright flame…regardless of the consequence…

In terms of longevity…the overall ‘tale of the tape’, as it were, on my marriage didn’t suck. We courted for a year, we lived in sin for a year, and then we got married. The blessed nuptials didn’t last a year.

In fact, I have bought deli meat that lasted longer than the actual marriage. Honestly. I was signing divorce paperwork while eating honey-baked ham purchased on our honeymoon. Honeymoon honey-baked ham…

This isn’t the relationship I am speaking of, however. I merely mention it as a commentary on the transitionary nature of relationships. And (I have to be honest) if affords me a rather unique opportunity to type, ‘honeymoon honey-baked ham,’ a goal that I had set for myself earlier this morning when I woke up…

No. This isn’t to be a rehash of those horrible months preceding the separation. Nor is it to be a review of the numerous complaints lodged and fought over for, seemingly, ad nausea.

No. After all…most of the complaints were hers…if she wishes to sully the good name of Thought Sandwiches in print…why…she can just join Hubpages.com and craft her own clever hub.

No. I’m not here to sling mud. That’s not my way. Besides…that all happened nine years ago. My current problem was sitting across the table from me…


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A VNAF UH-1H Huey loaded with Vietnamese evacuees on the deck of the U.S. aircraft carrier USS Midway (CV-41) during Operation Frequent Wind, 29 April 1975.
A VNAF UH-1H Huey loaded with Vietnamese evacuees on the deck of the U.S. aircraft carrier USS Midway (CV-41) during Operation Frequent Wind, 29 April 1975. | Source
A North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) Logo.
A North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) Logo. | Source

Republican-chick…

They say that opposites attract…A good thing for a unique individual such as myself…for few would willingly admit to a similarity in thought processes as me. I don’t necessarily believe, however, that opposites stay together. Relationships are hard work. They are not all about jocularity and pockets full of pinochle decks…although they should be…

This problem of opposites is only exacerbated when my every random nonsensical comment (of which I am known for) becomes the subject of a long drawn out policy debate regarding this, that, and (very sinisterly), them…The art of casual banter was utterly lost on the girl.

“These nachos are good,” I said as I inched my way into the verbal minefield.

We were in a restaurant that we had frequented before. It was a family-owned Mexican place with good food and an ambience that fell somewhere in between romantic and not-romantic. She liked the food. I always found it odd that she could love the food…and hate the people. Still…there were no Canadian places in town…

Tonight I viewed the eatery as my extraction point. In military parlance…I was getting out and I expected the LZ to be hot…

I idly speculated on how this had come to pass as she expounded on how President Clinton’s NAFTA policy had totally upended the entire domestic nacho industry in the United States…

(Sigh…)

I actually did know how this sorry state of affairs had come to pass. I had just wanted to have some fun. Get laid…catch some movies…enjoy the occasional dinner…that’s all I was really looking for in this affair. I’m a simple person. The dynamics when we first met were suggestive of such an arrangement…

That simple façade had cracked open on our last date…We were at her house sitting on the couch as the DVD was cuing up…


Oysters
Oysters | Source
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Salvelinus leucomaen...
Salvelinus leucomaen... | Source
The Short Bus...
The Short Bus... | Source
"Eugenics is the self-direction of human evolution": Logo from the Second International Eugenics Conference, 1921, depicting it as a tree which unites a variety of different fields.[1]
"Eugenics is the self-direction of human evolution": Logo from the Second International Eugenics Conference, 1921, depicting it as a tree which unites a variety of different fields.[1] | Source

Fiery Political Oratory…about Oysters…?

I had a small percentage of my brain noodle-ing a writing problem…specifically, what would be the best way to pepper my next article with the word ‘oyster’ in it…for no apparent reason…while still maintaining the narrative integrity of the piece. An intellectual exercise really. It was within this context that I said the word ‘oyster’…out loud…

“Oh, I hate retarded babies,” were actually the first words that registered to me that she was speaking.

“Excuse me?” I asked as I, not only attempted to get on the same page as her…but tried to figure out which book she was looking at…

“You said oyster,” she launches into her latest diatribe, “That just got me thinking…oysters live in the water…so do salmon…salmon eggs are called roe…Row v. Wade. Abortion.” She took a deep breath before continuing…

“There are tests to determine whether a child is going to be retarded or not before they are born…if they are…I think they should be aborted.”

She finished matter-of factly as she grabbed up a Lay’s Ruffle from the bowl on the table and dipped it in the onion dip before taking a bite.

I was not only startled…but taken aback. The shear mental meandering required to get from ‘oysters’ to aborting retarded babies was mathematically…well…as mysterious and unknowable as…mathematics…

“Um…” I was at a loss for words. My libido was already heading to the car and he tended to do the majority of the thinking for us. “Um…wait…what?”

“Well it’s frightfully expensive to educate special needs children in the school system…” She began a fairly lengthy accounting of budgetary numbers versus the comparative educational dollar…blah…returned on the…blah…education of…blah…”It’s a matter…blah…of personal responsibility on blah the part of the parents. Why should I have to pay for them?” She (thankfully) finished.

“Um…wait…what?” I marshaled my thoughts on her couch as my libido sat in the car…impatiently sounding the horn every few moments… “But…you’re a Republican…? You’re not supposed to like abortion…” Yeah…weak presentation of rhetorical skills…again…I was taken aback…


Right to Deathers
Right to Deathers | Source
Winning family of a Fitter Family contest stand outside of the Eugenics Building (where contestants register) at the Kansas Free Fair, in Topeka, KS
Winning family of a Fitter Family contest stand outside of the Eugenics Building (where contestants register) at the Kansas Free Fair, in Topeka, KS | Source
"Death was my only public option"
"Death was my only public option" | Source

Are you hearing this shit...?

She promptly moved in to clarify her position, in no uncertain terms, (as if a future political run for office would be held in the balance upon my misinterpretation of her views)…

”Oh…abortion is wrong. It is also wrong for these retarded babies to live like that. And wrong for these parents to think I should have to pay for it. Who would want these retarded babies?It’s just a matter of personal responsibility.”

She nodded as if that talking point had been nailed down tighter than the lid on an aborted child’s coffin. The unsavory smells of the Eugenics Movement began to fill her living room.

“I believe the parents would be wanting those babies,” I reasoned.“ After all…with these tests you speak of…they knew going in that that their child would be disadvantaged…they chose to make that loving commitment.”

“Exactly!” She seized on my statement. “They made the commitment. Not me. They should pay for any required extra services if they decide to have it.” There were bubbles of spit gathering in the corner of her mouth as she stoutly defends her position.

I had recently written a hard hitting piece of investigative journalism regarding the outrages committed in orphanages. That Pulitzer-possible article was at the front of my mind when I asked, “ What about orphan babies?”

“No problem. No parents.”

“But who would make these decisions? A death panel…”

Her mouth turned downward in disgust. The look on her face suggested that I had just told her that I wanted to conduct an unnatural sex act on her…which in her case would have been anything other than the missionary position…

“No!” She stated vehemently, “Sarah Palin told me that that was Obama’s plan! These would be called ‘Not Allowed to Live Panels’…”

Citing a suddenly explosive case of diarrhea…I left and joined libido in the car,

“What the fuck?” Asks libido.

“Right?!?”


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Ford Model T Field Ambulance 1916 canvas on wood frame model used extensively by the British & French as well as the American Expeditionary Force in The Great War. Top speed 45mph from a 4 cylinder water cooled engine.
Ford Model T Field Ambulance 1916 canvas on wood frame model used extensively by the British & French as well as the American Expeditionary Force in The Great War. Top speed 45mph from a 4 cylinder water cooled engine. | Source
Source

Thank God for Caller ID….

I spent the intervening week treating her like a bill collector. A coffee meeting on Wednesday was simply blown off. Calls went unanswered and unreturned. I was being a dick. I didn’t want to deal with it. I exhibited all the male signs of immaturity in this regard. Until now…back at the Mexican restaurant…

“What happened to you on Wednesday,” she was asking me.

“Huh?” I delayed.

“We were supposed to get coffee,” she ventured, “You never even called.”

I reached down deep for a remembered dialogue sequence from the 1980s sit-com ‘Soap.’

“Yes, a truck-load of hogs overturned on the highway and backed-up traffic for miles. I think pig entrails interfere with cell-phone reception…I couldn’t get a signal…”

“Really?” She asked concerned.

“No.” I admitted.

“What…?”

“Yeah,” I blurted, “We’re done. I can’t hang with this anymore…I mean we can’t have a normal conversation without you citing public policy regulations and whatnot…yeah…we’re done.” I finished simply.

“But…but…I thought we were doing pretty well.”

“By what possible unit of measurement can you say that we were doing pretty well?”

“Well I would talk to you about important issues and you would listen and nod.”

“I was nodding off into a coma. And…not for nothing…you may wish to hone your ‘casual-banter’ skills. Not everything needs to be ‘Death penalty’ important.”

“With the proper application of death penalty protocols…” She stopped as I looked at her over my glasses.

“So,” I ask myself, “Do you want me to leave…or do you want to leave?”

When she doesn't respond, I reach forward and click the “un-follow” icon under the topic of ‘Politics and Social Issues’ on Hubpages and she disappeared from the other side of the table. The air became a little cleaner…weight became a little lighter…and food tasted a slight bit better…

The waitress came up to the table…

“Will the lady be returning?” She inquired politely.

I looked at her happily, “No…I don’t believe she will be.”

The waitress hesitated before saying, “She wasn’t very pleasant.” Encouraged by my nod, she continued, “We want you to know that nobody ever spit in your food…just hers. Would you like anything else?”

Pondering my options (and responsibilities) I asked, “Do you think you could manage an oyster-shooter?”

As she went to get my order I did the necessary math…that makes seven surreptitiously entries of the word oyster in this article. Well…eight surreptitiously entries of the word oyster…um…nine…


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Comments 67 comments

Justsilvie 5 years ago

WOW! I think My ex dated her recently. Seriously!

Did she avoid supermarket lines with a minority checkout clerk? And did her parents talk about how much better the neighborhood was before "Those people moved in" and just how Obama was destroying America during Thanksgiving Dinner?

Interesting read! I now it is possible to have a relationship with someone with a different political view but not sure I want to do that again. Too stressful!


Mamadrama profile image

Mamadrama 5 years ago from Upstate NY

You and I have A LOT in common my friend. As I was reading this I was taken back to the the times I have also dated people like this. I could relate to every word you typed. I am currently married to a republican cop.. I am a filthy minded free lover.. needless to say there are some "differences".. seems to be the story of my life. Do you find youself doing this same scenerio over and over? I do.. and the bit on your 2 second marriage..I laughed LOUDLY on that one. I was married once before.. for 5 whole days before he was deported, and divorced before his 18 month stay was over.. I think I have you beat! I think you and I could collaborate on some funny relationship stories in the future! Great Hub!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

@ Justsilvie...happily...the relationship never progressed to the 'meet the parents' stage...but from her stories...yeah...the peeps were a piece of work, also! It is stressful, however, I do know me...libido will probably get me in trouble again...lol. Thanks for stopping by!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

@ Mamadrama...lol...I know you are a 'filthy minded free lover' ...that's actually why I am following you...I mean...right?? lol. Yeeees...the five day deportation thing...you hella got me beat! Tho...it would have been nice to have ICE do the heavy lifting in my ugly break-up stories! Thanks for stopping by...I always love your comments...and reading your poetry after it rains...


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

Well written and entertaining. I enjoyed it tremendously.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi Will...I'm glad I was able to some entertaining this morning! As always...I love when you stop by and leave a great comment! It is always good to see you , good sir!


Alastar Packer profile image

Alastar Packer 5 years ago from North Carolina

OK. Had to stop at 'are you hearing this..' for a sec.(don't worry Thought, i shall return)- I don't care for this, ahem, lady. OK, back to it. Dude,..your a genius; and the background check buddy says you do write for Letterman. You also keep your wit, stoicism, humor, MORALS and just generally upbeat self together even with the certain loss of one of the finer things a relation-ship can bring to your table(or where ever),in other words, a real man to look up to and admire! PS- please don't ever leave HP.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi Alastar...yes...she was a piece of work (yup...that conversation about aborting disabled babies came out of her pie hole...no fiction there).

It was the roommates that dubbed her "republican-chick' ...they knew what I was looking for...they were also glad when I stopped seeing her. Such a dance these relationship things...lol.

Always glad to see you my friend and I certainly hope you were able to finish the story!


lmmartin profile image

lmmartin 5 years ago from Alberta and Florida

I have always suspected I'm a boring, staid, pedestrian kind of person. After reading this, I know it. Lynda


LABrashear profile image

LABrashear 5 years ago from My Perfect Place, USA

FUNNY! I am glad I stopped by and look forward to reading more.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi Lynda...pa-shaw...bored, staid, and pedestrian...you?? I think not my friend! I am glad you were able to find some time to explore my ramblings and I hope you enjoyed them!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

LABrasher...I am also glad you were able to stop by and take a look. Please feel free to stop by any Ole time!


jhamann profile image

jhamann 5 years ago from Reno NV

The experience of reading your hubs is almost comparable to comedy night, wait a second...what am I saying...is it to late to take it back...quick think of a comparable honest comment...


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

lol...hey jhamman...nope too late...lol. Tho...I will wait to see what you come up with 'honest' style! Thanks for meandering by!


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

Wow, this is a really cool hub. I also like how you were able to use the words "honeymoon honey-baked ham" in this hub. I am really pleased that I also now got to experience the joy of typing those words as well. Thanks!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi Jeannie...take off your bottle and stay for awhile...you are always welcome!

Very few people understand the therapeutic properties of typing 'honeymoon honey-baked ham'...I feel gratified that I could share the experience with you.

PS...Thank you for the very kind fan mail.


FloraBreenRobison profile image

FloraBreenRobison 5 years ago

I read this after reading your hub just now about your ads being disabled. You think Hubpages could maybe put a list of words that advertisers don't like in the Learning Center? as for this hub, I will have nothing to do with people who talk like this. I hate bigots and try to avoid them even when I am related to them.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi Flora...I couldn't agree more...hence...still looking for a date... Beyond the odious topic...I hope you did enjoyed it, however.


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 5 years ago from Hemet, Ca

Ha ha ha - I knew you had written a few new things so I had to breeze by here and check them out. Never did I imagine such a treat. I mean seriously, I would love to be a fly on your wall as you tell some chica in the Politics and Social Issues forum that you aren't interested in her... um... politics and social issues. And I am very inspired at the way you woove oyster into your hub. I hardly even noticed... it just went so oyster smooth in the sentence structure that oyster was never even oystered at all! :)


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi Barbergirl (Welcome back...again!)

First off...you my friend...are TRULY gifted in your oyster 'grafting' skills!

Apparently, merely highlighting the four words...Politics and Social Issues...does not make it "Help For Hubber" worthy in hub placement decisions...as you see in the next story.

I actually wanted to put something cool together for you cuz...well...moving sucks...and it is always good to get a laugh during those stressful times. I am glad I was able to help provide one!


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest

THis is really good. Happy to be following you. Love the humor mixed in with good insight. Suddenly I got cravings for honeybake ham.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi izettl...I am very glad to make your acquaintance and certainly appreciate the follow! I enjoyed your Hub this afternoon and am glad that Jim alerted me to your work...I look forward to more!


poshcoffeeco profile image

poshcoffeeco 5 years ago from Cambridgeshire

I am glad Andreea alerted me about you. You are funny and your hubs are very engaging.Will have to get my ass in gear and read more of your work!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi Steve...

I'm glad that my sorry relationship status was able to garner your attention and cause some (collateral) enjoyment!

Andreea IS awesome ain't she? I will be scampering to your coffee shop and peruse your book shelves as well!

Very nice to have become acquainted!

Thomas


attemptedhumour profile image

attemptedhumour 5 years ago from Australia

This hub was another pearler, sorry but pearls were my mission, as I don't care for oysters. I think that stony faced b was an oyster and I'm not even trying to mention oysters, or pearls. Oh I was trying to mention pearls I forgot. Anyway I liked this story because it was entertaining and I think you should write a string of pearlers. You were right to dump her, or unpublish her and now you are free the world is your......


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Keith...

Do not apologize my good friend...pearler is a FINE goal to set for yourself! On the stone faced b front...I looked...there was no pearl in that particular oyster...just the rotten insides of a disturbed oyster. Although I loathed the time I spent with her (not all that long btw) I found myself happy it occurred because it gave me another bizarre idea for a hub (this one). I am very glad you enjoyed it.

Thomas


nemanjaboskov profile image

nemanjaboskov 5 years ago from Serbia

Thomas, I really enjoyed reading your hub! I can see that you were very honest and I surely hope you didn't lose any sleep over this breakup, as it is obvious you and her weren't a good match :) Also, thank you very much for your clever and engaging way of writing, following you as of right now :)


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi neman...

I'm very glad you liked the break-up saga...that said...no...I have pretty much moved on with my life since that dark 4-week period in my life.

Thank you for stopping by and your kind words and follow. I shall be reciprocating and I look forward to reading your hubs!

Thomas


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

TS - so funny! I am so glad you gave this chick the boot! I mean what a lot of work each day just to maintain a conversation! lol

I am seeing that you have an attachment to choosing a word when you awaken and set the goal to use it in a sentence. I just love goal setters - it just reflects what a go getter you really are. Oysters! lmao


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi Real...

Keeping up on the policy papers was a bitch. So was she. That said...the search continues for love across the political spectrum.

Long ago I learned that if you set your goals low enough...you stood a good chance of meeting at least 30% of them every day. Also..I'm unemployed and bored off my ass!

Thank you for your (always) kind words!

Thomas


Larry 5 years ago

Nicely Written, good luck hang in there...........


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi Larry...

Thanks for the read. I should think if anyone were to know about 'crazy' women stuff...it would be you my friend!

Thomas


prairieprincess profile image

prairieprincess 5 years ago from Canada

Thought Sandwiches, reading one of your hubs is like going to a really funny movie. I suspend disbelief, almost choke on my popcorn from laughter, and never know what to expect. Love the dialogue ... storytelling at its finest. Thanks for gracing us with this!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi Princess...

I believe you have discovered the key to getting through one of my hubs....suspension of disbelieve! Thank you for your kind words...from now on...for you...free popcorn! Please come back anytime your belief gets suspended!

Thomas


homesteadbound profile image

homesteadbound 5 years ago from Texas

ThoughtSandwiches - You are a hoot! I'm smiling and glad that I stopped by your profile and clicked on this hub to read. Enjoyed the read and glad I'm not dating. Yikes!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Homestead...

Invariably...when remembering relationships...some are best recalled through the prism of time and snarky literature efforts.

I am still doing the dating (if that is what it can really be called) thing...I will keep you apprised in various Hubs of my progress.

Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment!

Thomas


christinepurr profile image

christinepurr 5 years ago

This was an utterly fascinating read! I think we all know someone like that girl. Good God, my ex-best friend was exactly like that. EXTREME right-wing nut who argued just for the sake of arguing, even if it's to debate over a topic at a casual party with your friends! Eeeesh. What a relief to say buh bye to people like that! Lol.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Christine...

What always amazes me about these types is their heartfelt belief that I care about their opinion. Republican chick is the worst I have yet to come across. You are right...buh bye is the best!

I would like to thank you for stopping by and taking the time to leave such a kind comment.

I noticed you are a recent addition to the halls of Hubsville...welcome my friend!

Thomas


Lapse profile image

Lapse 5 years ago from East Coast Rules

TS-

So if her personality was as deplorable as you say then she HAD to be easy on the eyes...

Does this mean you seem to have a tendency to be attracted to hot egocentric shallow chicks? I can think of worse things.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

hi Lapse...

hmm...your question suggest far more self-introspection than I usually do. She was easy on the eyes...hard on the soul. I am attracted to my fictional character "Betty" she's pretty swell..so maybe I'm not all about shallow...What was the question?

Thomas


Lapse profile image

Lapse 5 years ago from East Coast Rules

Betty as in Betty Rubble? Veronica and Betty? I hope not Betty as in Master Pain... You see that movie?


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

lapse...

On The Betty Situation...I prefer Betty to Wilma....Betty to Veronica and I tend to stay away from the 'imaginary' Betty's that are associated with pain...thus no...I have not seen Master Pain. Although...if it has a Betty in it...

Thomas


Lapse profile image

Lapse 5 years ago from East Coast Rules

If you like over the top campy comedies see Kung Pow! Enter the Fist (2002). From the title this is obviously a kung fu comedy. Very funny. This Betty is nothing like those others.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Lapse...

I did see that particular flick and you are right...funny.

I am also a fan of Super Trooper type affair movies...odd that you caught on to my penchant for over-the-top comedies...you are observant...

Thomas


Lapse profile image

Lapse 5 years ago from East Coast Rules

Super Troopers rocked. Beerfest was decent, but not as good. The Broken Lizard guys are pretty good, but have a ways to go before they get into the Python league. Also loved Top Secret, Mystery Men, and every Austin Powers movie. I found Austin Powers is a rare set that got better with each sequel. Usually its the other way like w/ Naked Gun. Maybe only the first one was good.

You really need to rent Kung Pow.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Lapse...

I remember, when I was a kid, of staying up and sneaking out to the living room to watch Python's Holy Grail and trying not to laugh so loud as to wake up my mom. I agree with your assessment of sequels...The Airplane franchise...eh...I liked the second one...not as good as the first. If there was a third...I never saw that one. I am a huge fan of the Coen Brothers.

Thomas


Lapse profile image

Lapse 5 years ago from East Coast Rules

Ah yes. Coens are gold.

I think Dumb and Dumber and Ace V. will be timeless.

And don't forget Mike Judge stuff...

- Office Space and Idiocracy are awesome.


Lapse profile image

Lapse 5 years ago from East Coast Rules

...wait - Shaun of the Dead, Tropic Thunder, and the all time is Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

"No, she gets a special cologne... It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries... Yep, it's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good." ... "They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time, it works every time."

- Brian Fantana


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Brian...

I LOVE that statistic! "60% of the time...It works every time." This is my kind of math formula...one with a loose-y-goose-y answer!

Thank you for stopping by and the GREAT comments!

Thomas


Infiniteresearch profile image

Infiniteresearch 5 years ago from Ohio

Hilarious...I've had a few relationships with opposites as well. Certainly opposites attract and without warning the attraction is gone and it's all 'oysters'. Great hub look forward to reading more of your hubs.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Infiniteresearch...

You know when the relationship has gone "all oysters" (and not in a good way) ...the relationship is over. I am glad you liked this little ditty and I thank you for the follow. I shall be reciprocating and look forward to reading your Hubs.

Thanks,

Thomas


KDee411 profile image

KDee411 4 years ago from Bay Area, California

I love your Hubs. I'm just starting and got my first hub in yesterday, it's real exciting to discover that I can do it. I never had a good English teacher, if fact I never had English but I've had a life and a life worth writing about. I used the "Words you should know"  book to find words for my poem. But low and behold, I have read some of your wonderful commets and and you could write that book. I never read a book until my kids started school, than they read to me. So I've learned to read a little  in my 70 years. Learned of life a lot . Love your race horse, love the Peppermill and LOVE your writing. Any time I want to learn a new word,I know where to come. My marriage lasted 38 years. I'm still summing up the depravity of those years. Kay


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

hi Kay...

Foremost of course...welcome to Hubpages! I look forward to reading your first effort. You will find that this is a pretty supportive group of folks here.

Thank you for your kind words...I should warn you , however, that some of the new words you come across...may have just been made up by me. I will do that.

It sounds like you have learned more than enough to become a successful writer...life experience is a key I believe.

I absolutely love your sentence, "I'm still summing up the depravity of those years."

Thank you very much for stopping by and your wonderful comment!

Thomas


onlooker 4 years ago

I enjoyed every bit of this, thank you. It is sad sometimes people don't "get it". But as the years turn, we all have our moments.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

onlooker...

I'm very glad you liked this! You are very correct...sometimes people "just don't get it."

I must say that I have had a number of "years turned" and I cherish my moments...but I also know when a tran wreck is about to happen!

Thanks for visiting!

Thomas


Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 4 years ago from Orlando, FL

It's been 6 months since this hub was published. How's it been going for you since then? How many times have you said oysters since then? LOL


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Linda...

Excellent question my friend and I am pleased to report that I was able to include the word "oyster" twice more in a story (I believe it was Don Quixote vs. Don Knotts.

Not bad all things considered...I briefly went into a "cheese" over "oyster" binge and that brought my "oyster" numbers down. My "cheese" numbers are totally rocking, though!

Thanks for stopping by!

Thomas

PS...6 months? Dang...


Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 4 years ago from Orlando, FL

Thomas, I've said it a few times before and I intend to say it again only because it's a fact:

You are one of a kind. I'm honored to know you.

Keep on being you! :)


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Linda...

(Laughing) ...why thank you my friend...the honor is ALL mine!

Thomas


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS

Thomas, Thomas, Thomas. sigh, indeed. - The difficulty with relationship tightropes seems to be that practice fails to perfect their performance, unlike your witty, amusing writing. And congratulations on the successful multi-use of the word 'oyster' here - really not an easy challenge! That it played a key role in getting you out of that tedious relationship is truly splendid! Hugs.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Nellieanna...

Hella impressive number of oysters, huh?? BOOM...nine. I tried to see how many I could do in another story but it didn't prove impressive...two or three only as I recall...

(I will put a link at the end if you care to see the continuing oyster probe ...I think I can pimp in my own comment box...I mean...if not here...where? I'm not allowed to do it on the bus anymore. Clearly, I digress...)

Alas, on the relationship tightrope thing...right?!? I always find myself over compensating from the 'lessons learned' from the "last" relationship in the new "whatever" and it has the effect of me lurching (hither and yarn) about the dating world. Not pretty.

Allow me to throw some thank you's on the table...first and foremost, as always, your presence graces my humble hubs and I thank you for the lovely comment. Additionally, Thanks for the heads up on Mike...I see hours of entertainment in his Hubs!

Hugs,

Thomas

PS...

http://hubpages.com/literature/Don-Quixote-vs-Don-...


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Thomas.....Tsk...Tsk......Silly man.....the first red flag that your marriage was doomed, should have been the Honeymoon honey-baked ham......This an occasion to eat oysters by the dozen......but only those that come from the sea...the same sea as the salmon and the salmon eggs, which are really "roe." It's a shame you did not ask my advice. Next time, maybe?

As for your Republican date....she seemed all right to me. She had the perfectly right case for the Right Wingers to debate, right after the Presidential debate: "Abortion," Right or Wrong?" She actually brings up an excellent point....which of course, she should share with her Republican cronies....because what we have here is a real dilemma.

Such as...How will they defend that they approve abortion for a LEGITIMATE RAPE, which of course, means the child is ILL-legitimate and perhaps retarded!....most certainly, it could be, if the Legitimate rape was by a family member......So now, according to your date.....The Republicans are screwed, no pun intended......because the legitimate rape victim requests an abortion due to a clusterfuck of reasons (again, no pun)....I mean this poor kid is the illegitimate child of a legitimate INCEST rape, who may also be retarded ....thus placing the "mother's life in danger".....That's the WHOLE package. Wonder what Mitt will say? You could have given the Republican chick one more chance.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Paula,

You make some legitimate points here. What would the Republicans do with retarded babies?? Probably register them to vote Republican and send them to the polls in November I should imagine.

Your words have given me an idea for my FIRST evergreen hub...The Republican war on Women...after all...it never seems to end.

As for giving Republican-chick another chance...eh. The only thing she caused to pulsate on my body (pun intended) was the vein that runs behind my left eye...

You are now my go-to girl on matters of culinary dishes for sex and marriage!

This story did result in some blow back (not the good kind) from the staff of Hubpages. I of course chronicled the event in a story called "The Probing 'A' Question" You know...if you are interested.

Thomas

PS...What would Mitt say? Oh yeah...whatever he needs to say to pander to the right wing of his wrong party. (wrong on sooo many things...)


CriticalMessage profile image

CriticalMessage 4 years ago from Chicagoland, Illinois

Beware of the Butterflies !!! *grins*


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

CM...

Those butterflies will get you every time! I also tend to beware of spiders because they are yucky...

Thanks for visiting my friend!

Thomas


Jesse Mugnier profile image

Jesse Mugnier 4 years ago from Jersey

Let me just say that this is hilarious. I enjoyed the entire thing! I especially loved the 'Soap' reference!!! That show was amazing! :) Keep hubbing!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Jesse,

I would have to agree that Soap was probably the best show coming out of the late 70's...it's nice to find a fellow fan! I'm very glad you liked this one and I greatly appreciate your very kind comment!

Thomas

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