The Butt Bandit of Valentine, Nebraska

 

Some news stories are just too good to pass up...

Our story takes place in the city of Valentine, Nebraska...two square miles in area with a population of roughly 2600 people, give or take. This city is famous for such things as:

  • Nicknamed "America's Heart City"
  • Participates in an annual re-mailing program where thousands of pieces of mail flow into the local U.S. Post Office so that they can be re-mailed with a special Valentine's Day postmark and verse.
  • Listed in 2007 National Geographic Adventure Magazine as one of the ten best wilderness towns and cities
  • The fictional character, Becky Donaldson, from the TV show Full House, was a native of Valentine
  • Home of the "Butt Bandit"

Any city would be proud to have such a fine list of accomplishments and recognition...with the exception, perhaps, of item number five.

Vaseline...

The Butt Bandit's "Paint"
The Butt Bandit's "Paint"

Boudreaux's Butt Paste

Perhaps this would be a better choice
Perhaps this would be a better choice

Author's interpretation of possible "Next Step" scenario

Escalation to actual mooning by copycat criminals
Escalation to actual mooning by copycat criminals

Who is this mysterious "Butt Bandit" and what has he done to earn such an ignoble title?

While most vandals are content with tagging a surface with spray paint, or just committing an act of indiscriminate destruction, this unique criminal mind chooses to leave his mark in a more interesting fashion. As America's Heart City sleeps, Mr. Bandit wreaks havoc upon the unsuspecting city by slathering his butt and genitalia with Vaseline or body lotion before pressing himself against the innocent windows of churches, hotels, schools and other businesses. From what I've read, he is quite good at it and has left some rather detailed impressions on the local establishments.

According to a Ms. Kalli Kieborz who works at one downtown building, "We were completely grossed out. You could, like, see the whole package!"

Although most citizens are secretly amused by the cheeky culprit and agree that the wrongdoing is more disgusting than destructive, there is at least one man who is taking this matter most seriously. Police Chief Ben McBride, with a wad of chew in his mouth, doesn't even crack a smile when talking about this case. "This is the weirdest case I've ever seen," he states. "It's not funny," he continues," and we're worried about the next step."

Although there has been no physical damage to date, the very nature of the prints could lead to a charge of indecent exposure at the very least. The police chief wonders though. If this person continues to get away with leaving his mark, where will it end? McBride already suspects that he is no longer dealing with just one perpetrator and that perhaps there are in fact copycat butt bandits roaming around his beloved city.

Perhaps the culprit is an alien!

How Hard Can It Be...

To find a man with hair like this in 2008?
To find a man with hair like this in 2008?

"It's just a weird deal, but it's weird enough to cause a little bit of concern," pondered the Valentine Police Chief, "Who in their right mind would do something like this?"

Although no one has reported seeing this vandal in action, the local constabulary does have one clue in its possession...a blurry photo caught by a surveillance camera at the middle school last year. The man is described as somewhere between 6 foot and 6 foot 3 inches with a slender build. He also has dark hair styled in a "1980's feathered look."

The crime spree actually began in the spring of 2007 with a strike against the window of a Methodist church. At the time, the police chief figured it was just a high school prank, but was soon forced to stake out the building after further assaults.

Despite rewards offered through Crime Stoppers, the pants-dropping perpetrator continued to wreak havoc. By mid-October of 2007, McBride had fielded about twenty reports. The local Midland News newspaper began referring to the vandal(s) as "lewd, lubricated, lurching lunatics," almost as if they believed their city was under attack by mindless miscreant zombies with a penchant for messy mooning.

This looks pretty painful...and it's just a tongue!

Photo by ClaytonWang51
Photo by ClaytonWang51

And then...it stopped. Well, at least for the fall and winter. This makes complete sense to me for several reasons. It couldn't possibly be a pleasant sensation to plant your privates against a cold plate glass window, for one. Secondly, since the bandit is rather proud of his mark, leaving a "smaller" signature would be rather embarrassing. And lastly...well, we all know what happens when you place your tongue against a frozen surface. I can just imagine the mortification one would feel to be discovered the following morning, glued by your tender bits to the front window of Miss Suzie's Cut n' Curl. Try explaining yourself out of THAT.

"People said he was done," McBride says, "Then he started back up this summer."

Not only did he return, but his crimes had indeed become more brazen. In a single night, virtually all of the windows at the local hotel were imprinted with the Butt Bandit logo.

The chief also has a new ally in his camp...Cherry County Attorney, Eric Scott, who also doesn't find anything remotely humorous about the derriere delinquent. "It's a malicious act," Scott says, "that will be prosecuted once the person is apprehended. This is not normal behavior for Valentine. It's not funny or something people want to be exposed to."

"We would like to find the guy because you'd like to see what the intent is," McBride elucidated, "Was it pranking or something more?"

The sidewalks of Valentine, Nebraska

Nobody called this vandalism...
Nobody called this vandalism...

Hmmm...

This is a very good question. Let us delve deeper into the mind of the Butt Bandit, shall we? What motive could he possibly have for slinking around in the dead of night, smothering his privates in goo and leaving his prints for posterity to puzzle over?

For this, we need to take a closer look at the city of Valentine...self-promoted as we have previously stated as "America's Heart City." Everywhere one looks, obvious examples of the city's pride in its status are evident. Upon entering the municipality, one is treated to a view of a giant heart touting this prestigious position. There are hearts on the street signs and hearts painted on the very sidewalks themselves.

Exhibit Number One

A Baboon's Ass - Heart-shaped AND Heart-colored
A Baboon's Ass - Heart-shaped AND Heart-colored

Exhibit Number Two

A deer flaunting its heart-shaped ass in a public place
A deer flaunting its heart-shaped ass in a public place

Exhibit Three

A comparison shot of edible hearts and hineys
A comparison shot of edible hearts and hineys

Exhibit Four

A Thong in my Heart?
A Thong in my Heart?

Now, let us consider the trademark of the Butt Bandit. If viewed from the correct position, is it not rather heart-shaped? To prove my point, I've included for your perusal, Exhibits One and Two that support this not unreasonable assumption. Even nature has proven most cooperative in illustrating how butts and hearts are very much alike.

In Exhibits Three and Four, the likeness of the butt is also seen in the epitome of innocence...the cookie. You don't think they actually make a "butt-shaped" cookie cutter do you? Of course not. And why should they when with the mere snip of a pair of kitchen scissors can render a sugar cookie into a rather tasty piece of ass?

But what about the "package" prints you ask? How on earth could those be excused? Why, it's very simple actually and once I have explained it, you will probably slap yourself in the forehead and say, "Duh!" Not only is the Butt Bandit expressing his pride in his city with his unique contribution to the local art...but he also is a punster, a master of the innuendo. What could be better than leaving a "hard-on" every window...?

Rather than vilifying the Butt Bandit, the local residents should be applauding his efforts to promote what their city is famous for...hearts.

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Comments 78 comments

butt bandit 5 years ago

the greasmans take on it all .... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RSXdTCgQLrk


Ralph Deeds profile image

Ralph Deeds 6 years ago

I just enjoyed this one for the second time. Valentine is a great little city. I went to the Cherry County fair and rodeo there several times. They used to have a great "tent show" featuring all naked lady dancers.


kerryg profile image

kerryg 6 years ago from USA

Thanks for the hilarious hub! Just wanted to let you know that I've featured it in my hub Nebraska HubTrail: The HubPages Guide to Nebraska - http://hubpages.com/travel/Nebraska-HubTrail-The-H...


Heartcity 6 years ago

I know him, in fact sitting here drinking a beer with his wife...About time they got him !!...LOL


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 7 years ago from South Africa

I am waiting with bated breath! (Not Shadesbreath he is MIA) .


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Sixty: Awwww...I'll see what I can do (just for you!). *hugs*

Futon: Thank you :) I've done my job if I've made you laugh!


futonfraggle profile image

futonfraggle 7 years ago

LOL! Thank you for that laugh. What a great hub. I can't get over this story!


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 7 years ago from South Africa

Spryte please write some more. I miss your special hubs. If you dont feel inspired try out the hubmobs there are topics that give food for thought. I can just imagine what you could write about a vibrating cell phone at an awkward moment!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

Good nite!


AEvans profile image

AEvans 7 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

Me too!!! Good nite..:)


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

I'm off to bed now. Perhaps I'll be inspired to write tomorrow...we'll see.

Take care!


AEvans profile image

AEvans 7 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

You are too funny!!!!:)


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Hahahahah! Well, if I did it, it would definitely be classified as a very small misdemeanor. :P


AEvans profile image

AEvans 7 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

I bet you we would too!!! Spryte I will do it , if you do it....But you first...:)


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Y'know...I bet a woman would not be arrested for boobie prints...

And no Chris, I'm not gonna test my theory!!!


AEvans profile image

AEvans 7 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

I wish they would have evaporated oh for heaven's sake putting someone in jail for butt prints???? Now that is a nut story,,,, You are right their butt prints did look lie hearts , he was only representing...Lol hehehheheh!!!:)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

That sounds familiar.


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

When I was a kid...we would make buttprints down the driveway after running through the sprinkler. It was fun to watch them evaporate. They looked just like hearts.

Maybe if his buttprints had evaporated too he wouldn't have been arrested...


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

He was an Artiste among hicks. Damn..!.where did that landlord guy go? do you think he was on the level? I want to hear more about the butt bandit


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

And now you understand why Christoph and I think he should not have been imprisoned...

He was only adding to the municipal culture!


AEvans profile image

AEvans 7 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

There city is famous for asses!!!!Lol this was an absolutely hysterical article , running around and pressing there body parts, what else could someone do in a town so small...Lololol Love it!!!:)


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Proud Mom: I loved writing this one...the story was just irrisistable! Perhaps the reason it took so long to find him was because a lot of people really weren't as hot about catching him as the police chief? :) Just a thought! I know I actually found myself rooting for the guy...lol!


Proud Mom profile image

Proud Mom 7 years ago from USA

Okaym, first off, spryte--I'll never be able to eat valentine cookies again.

Second, the most disturbing part about this story is the perpetrator's hairstyle.

and lastly, to the police chief: Just stake out the local mercantile. Arrest the guy who buys vaseline by the case.

Very funny stuff, spryte. I can see why you feel the need to runaway.


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

*waves to Tom*

Nice to meetcha! I'm glad you were amused and even more that you dropped in to say hi! How is your tenant doing these days? :)

Ralph - I definitely think it's film worthy. I wonder whose butt would be hired to play the part and I'd love to see the auditions :)


Landlord 7 years ago

Wow,, Ialmost hate to admit it, but I'm Tom Larvie A.k.A. "the Butt Bandit's" landlord. What a hoot!


Ralph Deeds profile image

Ralph Deeds 7 years ago

It has the potential for an update of the classic movie, "The Oxbow Incident." My grandfather homesteaded near Valentine. I remember hearing him say once that six honest ranchers could hang a cattle rustler.

Let us know what happens in court to the butt bandit. Great hub.


BigJAYhusker 7 years ago

So I heard the other day that they finally caught the Butt Bandit. I am from a small town about an hour from Valentine and would have thought this one of the funniest things ever. In fact a co-worker of mine and his wife are from the Valentine area. I am excited to learn more here in the Husker state as this story unfolds, but I will definitely come back to check your coverage of the story.


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Lazur - You don't! You leave it right there on your gorgeous face for the entire world to see. Love the holiday pic!!!! Damn...now I want to make one for me. :)


Lazur profile image

Lazur 7 years ago from Netherlands

How do I get this smile of my face after reading this?:P LOL


ajcor profile image

ajcor 7 years ago from NSW. Australia

keep us all in the loop - we probably wouldn't hear outcome over here!!! the above incident happened when I was wkg as a commercial prop. mngr and I had to field the problem! cheers


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Hiya ajcor: Hmmm...I can't imagine a librarian gets to see much of that in a normal day. :)

I have to admit, I'm sad that he's been caught as well. Obviously, he wasn't as careful about his secret identity as he should have been. Well, if there is a trial...there might be some entertainment value there. I suppose we'll have to see!


ajcor profile image

ajcor 7 years ago from NSW. Australia

Hi Spryte - great hub -really funny. Sorry they caught the fellow - makes for local colour and all that....reminds me of an incident a number of years ago when our public city library was located directly over the road from a busy nightclub, and early one morning a librarian looked up from her books to see a big round male bottom firmly implanted onto the plate glass window right next to her - the owner of which was a somewhat inebriated laughing nightclub visitor from over the way!!! the poor librarian was a little shocked to say the least......lol


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Lisa - Thank you ! :)


Lisa Packer profile image

Lisa Packer 7 years ago

This is too funny! Great hub!


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Moondawg - Very nice sidewalk art! Having never been to Valentine, I didn't realize that the picture captured 2nd & Main...but thanks for identifying it. Your town was in the news quite a bit when this story was written, so it was probably captured by a news feed. I honestly can't remember :)

Thanks for dropping by and leaving a comment!


MOONDAWG 7 years ago

Yea thats strait up funny stuff there, im from Valentine and prolly know the person. o ya and as far as those hearts on the sidewalks i helpd paint those. where did you get the picture of the corner of 2nd and Main?


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

mrsmud - LOL!!!!! OMG...I just about fell over laughing when I read your mom's comment. You have to admire the attention to detail though??? :)

Thanks for dropping in and saying hi!


mrsmud 7 years ago

I'm originally from Valentine. I've talked to several family members back home, and yes the butt bandit was caught last week. A good friend of my mom's works at one of the businesses that was , ah, attacked?, and said "my god, you could count the ass hairs."


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia

LOL, the cleaning bandit was a man, and perhaps he didn't come to my house due to the limited, cheap cleaning products I have. It's funny, but the news never did go into detail about if he only climbed in bed with women who were alone or if he also enjoyed a full bed like what you describe. lol!

Yes! I remember noxema! They still sell that stuff and it still smells as bad as it did way back when. Wowzie. I'm sure emergency technicians are now using it to revive people or to bring someone out of a coma. ;)


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

LOL! Pam...I could use a bandit like that...uh, the one that cleans the house and then crawls into bed (if he/she can find room between one husband and five cats...then kudos to him/her). Not sure I'd want anything to do with a cold cream bandit. OMG...I keep having these visions of Noxema (remember how nasty that stuff smelled?) smeared on my chest. Blech! I'm so glad you enjoyed this hub!


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia

ROFLMAO.... "lewd, lubricated, lurching lunatics" was my favorite part, but the whole hub is so funny! Thank you for the chuckles. :) Your writing is incredible Spryte.

Bandits such as this one come in many varieties...there was the cold cream bandit in the 70's, he would sneak in homes and smear cold cream on women's chests while they slept. Personally, I don't think I could sleep through something that cold and greasy, but evidently enough women did that it made the news. Although I suspect it could also be one of those urban tales or something.

And, only a few years ago, I heard about a very unusual bandit who would sneak in at night and clean the person's house, then crawl in bed with them. It's true. Honest. I left my doors unlocked for a whole year so he'd come in and clean my house, but he never did. :( lol!


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

barranca - I'm so glad I was able to give you and your wife a laugh over your morning coffee! I've heard a rumor that they've actually caught him...which is the town's loss. He should have remained at large in my opinion. :)

robie - I think the town should be capitalizing on it as well. :) But I guess some of the local constabulary didn't have much of a sense of humor regarding the cheeky individual's personal statements.

Thanks to both of you for dropping in and saying hello!


robie2 profile image

robie2 7 years ago from Central New Jersey

Ahhhhhhh that's life in small-town America:-) I am just ROTFL. I think the butt bandit could become a real local tourist attraction-- think of the souvenirs and those butt shaped cookies and think $$$$ for Valentine. Less work for the post office on Valentine's Day anyway-- oh thanks Spryte for making my day. Must log off know but will be chuckling over this for hours


barranca profile image

barranca 7 years ago

This is great. I just read it aloud to my wife and we laughed our way through our morning coffee. I have relatives who live on a ranch just south of Valentine , so I know the town and the area well. No doubt the butt bandit is a cowboy, a night "rider".


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

KrisH:

Thanks for the update! I hope they aren't too hard on him...he did provide a lot of entertainment. :) Not a really good idea to butt-print the post office though. They probably had one of his butt-prints up on the most wanted wall and somebody recognized him. :

As for the pick-up, the house, the exes and the high school senior....you guys sure know how to cause a stir out there don't you?

Thank you for sharing and bringing closure to us! If you hear anything else, please feel free to come back and let us know.


KrisH 7 years ago

The butt bandit has been caotured. I'm from the heart city area, and it was reported on the radio, that he was caught while imprinting the post office. It's a native american male, and his wife works at the local hospital as a kitchen aide.

On the news now is an ex husband driving his pick up into his ex wife's house, 14 ft into the house. His wife ran off with a high school senior.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Thanks pcdriver! :)


pcdriverupdate profile image

pcdriverupdate 8 years ago from VA

funny stuff. good report! :)


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Hiya 2pat -

A wild cat in England? Now that I'd like to hear more about :)

Thanks for the comment!


2patricias profile image

2patricias 8 years ago from Sussex by the Sea

Pat says 'I had to read this Hub because I was born in Nebraska (haven't been there for several years now) and it is so rare to see Nebraska in the title of anything, let alone a Hub. Coming from Nebraska, I understand what a big thing this is for a small town. However, the town where we live has a long running story about a big wild cat - on the south coast of England, that's fairly improbable, but features from time to time in our local paper.'

Very entertaining hub, and so well presented.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

The blue/white/blue thing? Why...I did the same thing that you did on yours...absolutely nothing. :) Looks like a new feature?

And why stop at Yeats??? We can just randomly insert poetry on EVERY hub using all the great romantics...


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

Sure! Let's put it on EVERYBODY'S HUB! It is Yeats, after all. But y'all were talking about a different kind of Butt Bandit, so....

P.S. How do you get the comments to do the blue/white/blue thing?


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

LOL! Christoph...you sure know how to make a girl swoon. But...don't you think that would make a good quote for Shade's Excrement hub?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

But love has pitched his mansion in The place of excrement;

William Butler Yeats

I saw this quote and thought of you!


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Thank you, quiet.chaos!


quiet.chaos profile image

quiet.chaos 8 years ago from Torrid Simplicity

Hilarious hub!


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Shade - I can always make arrangements with your wife to use it on you *evil grin* and then we'll know for sure just how hot the stuff is...

Compu - Hehehe...I thought it was rather funny that they call him the Butt Bandit too because it has a similar meaning (although it doesn't necessarily pertain to just the homosexual community...just anyone with that proclivity, I think). I've never since a campy cat...lol...must be funny!


compu-smart profile image

compu-smart 8 years ago from London UK

Phew, ive learned a lot today!!

I'm back from having to find out exactly who and what Butt Bandit really is and here's what i found....

"A But Bandit is a small Asian man who runs around and pulls his pants down and puts his ass on things. As he does this he then proceeds to yell out the name of the object in which his butt cheeks are grazin" lol

I had to pass by!! I have always been called a pain in the butt! for my being a cheeky monkey more than any other reason one would have pains in your butt! hence the vasaline above! lol

Here in the UK we-they not me:) have a word we use use called a Bum Bandit which is a friendly term for a Homosexual and for any one who finds that word offensive (gay:) lol

My kitty, who passed away::( last year was a tiny little girl when we took her home only to find out HE was in-fact a SHE and was soo feminate camp and gay in all his movements so i called him Bandit because of the saying Bum Bandit....Type in Bandito and you will find a hub about Bandito.. He always loved lots of company...


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

Sure it's "for pork butt, silly." Right. Gotcha.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Hey Shade - Well it was either the butt paste or the butt rub. But upon discovering that butt rub is actually composed of rather fiery spices (for pork butt, silly) I thought I'd spare the male readers that painful suggestion. :)

My sister wondered what would happen if somebody were to actually witness the Butt Bandit in action....but only the very "end" of it...would they get to identify him from a line up?

Amanda: I can't take credit for baking those particular cookies...but I wouldn't mind eating one or two of them. Perhaps the bakery in Valentine, Nebraska might consider adding these to their offering? They could call them Chic Cheeks or something like that. Thanks for the comment and I'm glad you enjoyed it!


Amanda Severn profile image

Amanda Severn 8 years ago from UK

Did you bake those cookies yourself? I've seen willie shaped pasta before, but never butt shaped cookies. The one with the thong was particularly amusing.

I've never heard of the butt bandit before, The bare-faced cheek of it all! Great hub, Spryte.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

Christoph, you're a poet man, wow.  I'm tearing up over here.

Ok, Spryte... Boudreaux's Butt Paste?  I'm not even going to ask how you knew that existed to put into your hub.  I'll just suffice by sending my congratulations to your husband.  Tell him I toast him and count him a fortunate man.  This was an amusing read through and through and I have to admit I was envious of the old men in the cardiac center.  Stuff like that never happens to me.  I've actually gone my entire life never having seen anyone flashing tits from car to car or truck... not even as a witness for someone else's joy.  /sigh.  But, that said, nobody wants to see that from a guy.  Guy genitalia are too easily accessed to matter and, frankly, that guy needs to be burnt at a stake or something.  I had really awesome hair for feathering back in the eighties, though, and, well, given that there's nothing left, I suppose I have at least a part of me that is rooting for him to carry on.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Hey gwendymom! From what I can tell it's sorta like Desitin ointment...white with zinc oxide used for diaper rash.

:)


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

So very funny, what the hell is butt paste?


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

LOL! Christoph & Ashwin! Love the song...it has a very militant ring to it! I dunno about the marriage thing...but I'll ask my husband and if he says it's okay with him than I'm all for it! :) LOL!


ASHWINSPGA profile image

ASHWINSPGA 8 years ago from Lion City ( Singapore)

next goal???? lets meet up and get married!!! WE will have Mr Christoph Reilly rap the butt song for us as our wedding song???


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

Billy Jack! I haven't thought of that for a long time. You can use the same song with different lyrics:

One Butt Soldier

Go ahead and moon your neighbor,

Go ahead and flash a friend.

Do it in the name of butt wipes,

You can justify them in your end.

There won't be any boodies blowing

Come the smudgy day,

On the greasy morning after...

...One butt soldier stops to play.

It's just a rough draft.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Hey Ash! LOL! Yeah writing the hub is only about 80% of the fun in my opinion. Trying to scour the web for just the right picture is the rest. I don't mind though...because occasionally I run across a picture that's worth a thousand words...or at the very least another hub. Still...one can only look at so many baboon butts.

I'm so glad I've become a morning habit! I feel like taking your response, blowing it up and framing it. Thank you for saying something so sweet!

PS And yes!! Finally 100 fans...isn't it a great feeling? What's our next goal?


ASHWINSPGA profile image

ASHWINSPGA 8 years ago from Lion City ( Singapore)

The amazing thing about this whole hub Ms Laurie is that the way you managed to dig up the correct pictures to go along with your story. I mean how many pictures of animals behinds you have to pour through to pick the one you wanted to use.. my god your dedication is truly amazing :=)

okok seriously you are really a giggle generator and you always brighten up my mornings with your hubs. Im so glad our time zones are different in a way that when i log on in the morning before i head off to work i get to read your funny hubs before i leave. Thumbs up Ms Laurie. I Love you to pieces

P/S* WE both have hit the 100 fans mark. congratulations


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

I totally agree Spryte, not that I have tried it mind you!


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Darn! Mine are so boring....why couldn't I have a butt paste or anal itch remedy ad when I see it?

Misty: I'm sure just like a popular hemorrhoidal remedy, a cold window could put out that itchy fire pretty well. LOL!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Christoph, never mind the 'butt paste', what about the lower down ad for " Stop Anal Itching". I am guessing rubbing your butt against a window is a sure fire way to scratch that itch. LOL


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Hiya GeorgiaKevin - Thanks!  I'm sure the folks in Valentine wish the Butt Bandit was covered as well :)  Well at least his lower extremities!

BT - Forensic evidence is amazing these days...and I believe a few hairs were recovered at various crime scenes.  For your sake, I hope all of them are human and not jackalope.

Christoph - Okay so I had to google "Banksy" to understand...but how cool to learn something new!  Some of his work is amazing and I approve of him already knowing that he is a "Pulp Fiction" fan like myself. 

I think this whole story is a riot and I had so much fun researching it.  I actually think it would make a great movie...with perhaps Jack Black.  :)  We can give it a 70's "Billy Jack" screw the establishment sorta quality...

Oh...and I took care of your request to dispose of a certain file...*wink*...

Misty:  Omg...it most definitely wasn't the "W" word...I hope.  Perhaps that would explain that all I could find was a vague reference to "Vaseline and OTHER LOTION."  Okay, I just grossed myself out...


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

Did you get a load of the ad at the top of the page? "Buy Budreaiux's Butt paste?" Money can't buy that kind of advertising!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

By the way Spryte, did you say "Was it pranking", or was it misspelt and should have had a 'W' nearer to the beginning of the word?

Excellent and very funny hub. Those cops really need to get a sense of humour!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

If I may forcefully contradict both the Sheriff and the D.A., who stated that the Butt Bandit is "not funny", I say, "Hardy, har, har!" It's not only funny, it's friggin hilarious! You did a great job of telling the story, and you back it up with some well-presented evidence! I do agree with them that it would be interesting to learn what motivate the cheeky fellow. And that he not only leaves the buns imprint, but sometimes the hot dog as well is particularly amusing. He could be the next Banksy! Thanks for the laugh!


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

I swear I haven't been anywhere NEAR Nebraska since that incident in '06! Nice job reporting, though.


Georgiakevin profile image

Georgiakevin 8 years ago from Central Georgia

I have heard of the Butt Bandit but have never had him covered so well! Thank you for sharing your research. It is really more information than I need but thank you in spite of it all!

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