The Coffee Maker or The Nose Ring

We shopped at Duckwall's...just not this one, which is in Kansas.
We shopped at Duckwall's...just not this one, which is in Kansas.

 

My three sisters, brother and I are a pretty close-knit bunch, despite being scattered across the country.  Growing up, you might not have realized that as we tortured, teased and argued with each other incessantly…much to our mother’s disapproval.  However, when it came down to a battle between “them” and “us”…we had each other’s backs.  Nobody was allowed to beat a sibling up except for another sibling…familial privilege and all that.

We weren’t always going for each other’s jugular like a pack of wild wolverine cubs.  In fact, at Christmas time we all got rather gooey and sentimental over one another thanks to my mother and one of her favorite traditions.  A week or two before Christmas, she would herd all of us into the family car, slap a twenty into each of our grubby hands and send us careening wildly through the local department store to purchase gifts for every member of the family.  It was a lot of fun.  Not only did you have to find the perfect gift for each parent and four siblings for a price not to exceed twenty dollars, but you had to avoid the stealthy snooping of your brother and sisters as you crept down each aisle to make sure the coast was clear before snatching up the potential gift.  This made our visits rather interesting for the store employees and detectives intent on nabbing a shoplifter.  Our behavior, while totally innocent, did appear rather suspicious.

As you can probably figure out, the gifts were cheap and occasionally tawdry.  But I can still remember the thrill it gave me to sweat over finding just the right thing and the childlike joy at having found it.  At home, we’d each wrap our secret treasures away from prying eyes and place them carefully under the family tree to await opening on Christmas Eve.  The real presents never showed up until Christmas morning, but the night before was dedicated to the giving and receiving of these family gifts. 

Mmmm...mmm!

Why settle for penne, when you can have penis?
Why settle for penne, when you can have penis?

 

We are all adults now…and I miss the magic of Christmas Eve spent in the company of my brother and sisters, watching with bated breath as they opened up the gifts I had bought for them.  The five of us tried for years to uphold the family tradition, but as we wandered off into our separate lives it became more difficult…not to mention more expensive. 

Then one of us had a great idea.  Why don’t we buy a gift for just one of the others…and rotate it every year?  We all agreed to a simple system…which only one of us ever remembers.  The first year, going in age order, Rick had Michele, Michele had me, I had Ronda, Ronda had Toni and Toni had Rick.  Sounds pretty easy right?  Well…the next year, Rick had me, Michele had Ronda, I had Toni, Ronda had Rick and Toni had Michele.  We’ve been doing this for so long that not only has the original dollar limit been forgotten, but who has who is a total confusion.  Luckily, it only takes a phone call to Ronda…the most materialistic member of the sibling pack, to remind us of the pecking order.  She never forgets…ever.

So this year I have my sister, Michele.  On a scale of one to ten, with one being the most difficult to buy for and ten being the easiest, Michele is an eight for me.  I will usually ask her for several hints on what she would like and then I have complete freedom to decide anything else.  Rick is a one.  I always cringe when I know it’s my turn to buy a gift for him since it means he will give me the exact item and where it can be ordered on the web.  He also has very expensive taste.  One year he wanted a pool float for his pool, a very specific float that cost nearly a hundred dollars when all was said and done.  I never complained…I just bought it and shipped it and thanked heaven that I only have his name 20% of the time.  Ronda is a seven.  Like my brother, she will give you an exact list of what she wants.  Unlike my brother, the exact list is for toys for her children.  She refuses to accept any gift for herself.  This makes her a pain in the ass, because then I have to buy something for her AND her children in order to satisfy my own conscience.  Toni is a complete ten.  All I have to think is what would I love to have and then go out and buy it for her.  Unfortunately, I can’t have her name every year. 

Gift receiving is another issue altogether.  Everyone loves to be the recipient of my brother’s gift giving because he spends way too much.  One year Toni received a 20” computer monitor and a couple of years later I received a high powered lens attachment for my camera.  I guess that’s why we don’t complain about things like ridiculously expensive pool floats when they are requested.  Michele, however, once gifted me with a basket of goodies and one of the items was a bag of penis shaped pasta.  I told my seven year old stepdaughter they were rockets and promised to make them for the Fourth of July pasta salad…which I never did.  It’s amazing what a child will forget in almost seven months.

The Christmas Present Candidates...

Keurig Coffee Maker
Keurig Coffee Maker
Nose "bone"
Nose "bone"
U-shaped nose ring with a lovely blue topaz stone
U-shaped nose ring with a lovely blue topaz stone

 

A week or so ago, I asked Michele what she would like for Christmas this year and was given two choices.  Her first choice was a contribution toward a Keurig coffee-maker.  She fell in love with the one at Toni’s house while we were gathered there this summer.  In doing research, I discovered that the basic model started at just under a hundred dollars and the one my sister has is closer to a hundred and fifty.  This causes a dilemma for me.  Since I don’t remember the agreed upon amount, how much exactly is a “contribution?”  It’s just easier to suck it up and buy her one…and then she’ll love me forever and won’t ever send me dick-shaped noodles again. 

Her second choice is a nose ring. 

Michele hates the idea of growing older.  In an effort to prove that she is not past her prime she has gone bungee-jumping and thrown her back out of whack, has gotten  a tattoo and has had her belly button pierced.  So at fifty years of age, my siblings and I were not too surprised to get a picture of her via our cell phones of her newly acquired pierced nostril. 

I know nothing about nostril jewelry.  Realizing that time is growing short and that Christmas is just around the corner, I set to work researching my options in this area should I decide not to buy the coffee maker.  To my consternation, I did not realize how complex this choice was until I was confronted with an astounding variety of hardware for the proboscis.  There were straight ones called “bones” that had a round ball at one end that supposedly held the stud in place after you jammed it through the pierced hole.  Then there were the oddly curled ones that you had to screw into position by threading it through the piercing.

With one hand placed protectively over my undecorated nostril, I continued reading.  Picking the proper metal was important.  Surgical steel or gold was recommended over sterling silver, which could cause permanent discoloration of the skin.  There were hoops and dangles, stones big and small…and ones that truly made personal statements like the marijuana leaf and the one which simply said, “fuck you.”  As daring as my sister is, I doubted the latter one would be attractive to her…

The coffee maker was looking better and better all the time.

With Christmas on my mind, I stopped by the local Walgreen’s and picked up this year’s Christmas cards and a few other items, standing dutifully in line to await my turn with the cashier.  She was a frightening exhibit…a definite candidate for one of those daytime show makeovers.  Her lips were traced in a dark lip liner without lipstick and her eyebrows appeared to have been drawn on…and not too well at that.  In her right eyebrow were three studs and…

“May I ask you a question?” I said politely to the frightening apparition.  She gave me a snarly defensive look and waited. 

“You have a nose piercing…” I began, which only seemed to provoke an even more hostile reaction, if possible.  I could definitely see her wearing that piece of jewelry with the command to have carnal knowledge with myself.

“My sister…uh…she recently had her nose pierced and she asked for a nose ring for Christmas.  But I’m confused.  Which is better…the bone (I was so proud of myself for using the accepted terminology) or the u-shaped one?”

The sullen look vanished from the clerk’s face as she gave me her advice on which one was better.  It seems the bone has a tendency to slip out while the screwed in piece is more likely to stay put.  Knowing that Michele can sneeze pretty violently and is allergic to her own cat, I figured the u-shaped one will probably be the best choice.  I’m thinking the blue topaz will compliment her beautiful blue eyes…but I still can’t bring myself to actually buy one yet.  My own nostril pains me just thinking about it.

On the bright side…at least she didn’t pierce her tongue…yet.

The Secret of Eternal Youth?

Notice the youthful appearance imparted by this woman's lovely nose piercings.
Notice the youthful appearance imparted by this woman's lovely nose piercings.

Coffee Maker or Nose Ring

What should Michele get for Christmas this year?

  • The Keurig coffee maker, of course. At least you can always have a cup when you visit!
  • The nose earring without a doubt! Your sister will always think of you every time she sticks it in her nostril.
  • A gift certificate to Starbucks and a box of breathe right nasal strips. Consider it payback for the penis pasta!
See results without voting

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Comments 48 comments

BxL 6 years ago

Great hub! If you want to get the nose ring, make sure that aftercare must not be avoided. Nose bacteria may spread if you don't take care of your pierce properly. You don't want to end up with an infection.

Read more about nose piercings at http://peircingnose.blogspot.com/


Four Leaf Clover 6 years ago

great story, I wish my sibling could be more like yours.


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

CW - That's supposing that a nose ring was ever in style for a 50 year old woman.... :)

Personally, I'd have no use for the jewelry and I agree with you on the coffee maker. But...I opted for the diamond since they are a girl's best friend even if worn in the nose (I guess).


Constant Walker profile image

Constant Walker 7 years ago from Springfield, Oregon

The coffee maker - especially if it's a really good, quality brand.

The nose-ring will eventually go out of style. A good coffee maker is a friend for life!


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Country: Hiya! I think next year I have my brother (*cringe*). I've already told my husband that he's in charge of picking out the gift since the two of them are geeks of a feather and will only settle for the best. :) Problem solved!!

Sally: I ended up going with the nose ring...a lovely diamond set in white gold. The site stated that it was elegant and tasteful enough to wear to work. :)

Best to both of you!!


Sally's Trove profile image

Sally's Trove 7 years ago from Southeastern Pennsylvania

This was absolutely great, Spryte. I just love the amount of thought you are putting into this gift. Your sister's a lucky girl to have you. My vote's for the nose ring. If Michele thinks a nose ring is going to prevent her from turning 55 or 60, well, it's only kind and thoughtful to feed her denial for a while. Reality will hit soon enough.

Best to you!


countrywomen profile image

countrywomen 7 years ago from Washington, USA

WOW!! I really loved the family tradition and hope Ronda always remembers the pecking order(In case she forgets I hope you be on the receiving end of your brother and not the other way around). I have seen boys always seem to like the latest electronic items and very easy to buy for them but when I ask my cousin sisters what they want I get confused with no clear signal as to their precise likings....hehe I chose the coffe maker coz I am from Seattle and would like to see the coffee flowing...hehe.


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Sixty: HOT ginger ale? Blech! I've had it room temp which isn't so bad, but I'll stick to gallons of water. Actually, I feel a lot better this evening and I'm not hacking up a lung anymore so I will return to work tomorrow. :)

Row: This was the Kiera Knightly version and the oddest part was that the guy who played Mr. Darcy didn't seem at all attractive to me until the character evolved and then it was like...omg...he's actually *sigh* rather romantic. :) Funny how that happens, hmm? You should rent that version. I've never seen the A&E one.


rowanelayna profile image

rowanelayna 7 years ago from York, PA

Ahhh...P&P!!!!! Did you watch the A&E or Kiera Knightly version? I've only seen the A&E one...mmmm....Colin Firth....mmmmm......

Strange...I was cold a minute ago....now I feel all hot and bothered. Thanks! : )


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 7 years ago from South Africa

Spryte try the hot ginger Ale (maybe Sprite will work).

Get better soon. LOL


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Working on it...now I only feel like crap, whereas yesterday I felt like sh*t. :)

On the good side: My medicine cabinet is now fully stocked for flu season.


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 7 years ago from Australia

See you should have been eating the Vegemite?

I hope you are getting better!


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Hey Sixty! I'm actually going to do some Christmas shopping from home today...online. Time to pick out that nose ring.

Misty gave me her flu!!! I swear! She sent it to me via email. /glare at Misty. Okay...maybe you didn't but I still got it. My husband made me use that Zicam spray which tastes like licking dirty toes...but payback came to him early as he caught my bug. :) *sigh* And he was going to take care of me...


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

Spryte I am sure you can get a pearl that small. a seed pearl no less.

BT I thought tame jackalopes come with nose rings?

Misty I hope that cold gets better soon but you know what they say:

A week with antibiotics and seven days without! Sorry girl you will just have to sweat it out with Hot ginger Ale and asprin under a duvet!

Shades you have been very scarce. Working again I guess ( the sabbatical over?).


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Row...I was thinking about you last night!! I finally watched Pride & Prejudice. OMG. Okay...now I understand.


rowanelayna profile image

rowanelayna 8 years ago from York, PA

I'd go with the nose ring. Maybe get a gag ring and then something....and I hate to use this word when talking about something she's going to shove up her nose...nice.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

LOL, believe me, I have no intention of attempting to sing if the result will be anything like croaking Spryte. :) :) :)


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Hiya BT - My coffeemaker is relatively cheap too and I tend to keep them until they start exuding smoke. :) I can't even imagine you with a nose ring...unless it was similar to the one worn by the cow in the first picture. Then...it might be interesting.

Misty - I hate those colds that linger! I hope that cough clears up in time for the weekend so you can enjoy singing as well. If not, will they accept croaking? :)


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Hi Spryte, just popped in to see how things were going here and I see the comments are flowing thick and fast as usual. I am a bit better than I was thank you for asking, but still cannot stop coughing. The Doctor has given me a course of Antibiotics to take, so I shall just have to hope they work really quickly if I am to be fit for singing on Saturday night, (right now I have my doubts I will be though).

Sounds like the nose-ring is winning in the pressie issue. Perhaps you could get her one with a coffee bean on it!!!


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

I voted for number three. My coffe maker cost 15 bucks, and makes fabulous coffee. Also, I'm not a big fan of nose piercings. They can make sneezing a messy affair!


bladeguy profile image

bladeguy 8 years ago

Nice story. And good job on the execution ;)


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Patty - I'm not a big fan of the Keurig myself for two reasons. 1. The coffee tastes a bit on the watery side to me and 2. It just seems so wasteful to me to be popping in all of those individual containers for a cup of coffee each time. Those things are expensive and generate more trash than necessary in my opinion. So I'm leaning toward the nose ring as well.

Shade - Headaches suck! But I'm glad I was able to lift the mood for ya. I'd really like to send her the last item too...and then when she is thinking "wtf?" I can have her husband (who is one of my favorite partners in crime) hand her the real present.

Gwendy - Santa has to make a profit somehow and what better way than distribution of scandalous tapes of anyone being naughty?


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

There you Shades, I was beginning to wonder if you fell off the face of the earth or something. Miraculous how you found your way back just when we were discussing peni, and pasta.

Sorry bout your headache, did the group shower invite have anything to do with it?


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

Yeah, I think Sixty has it right, a penis nose bone would be perfect. lol. But, I voted for the starbucks thing just because it was funny. The reasoning behind getting her a machine is probably the best, but it wasn't funny so I didn't vote for it. Oh, but THIS:

“May I ask you a question?” I said politely to the frightening apparition.

THAT was hilarious and I thank you for it. I needed a good laugh this morning, I have a headache and that actually broke through the mood. I still have a headache but I'm not pouting anymore lol.


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

Spryte, do you think he might be taping me? If that kind of stuff gets out on the internet it will ruin my political career, but I could always become an actress or a pop star I guess.

I'm still going with the penis pasta nose ring!


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America

Just my opin & experience, but I am not a fan of the Keurig Coffee Maker. A friend has one (lower priced model) and it seems to be nearly all moderately flimsy plastic; the water container became scummy and clouded within the first week and unable to be cleaned up properly. I feel it's too cheaply made for retail price and unsanitary, actually. I guess that leaves penis pasta or a piercing ornament. LOL


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

MM - Hmmmm....now that's food for thought.  Michele would just love to have Pepe come and spoil her rotten for a day.  Of course, Pepe probably wouldn't mind either...

Lgali - Thank you!

Christoph - Of course penis pasta is nothing like the real thing!  Otherwise I'd have to chew it and then spit it out...  Btw, does Pepe offer gift certificates?

Gwendy!! LOL! Bad girl...Santa is still watching you know.


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

Roflmao at when booty calls ...duty calls.

Spryte, I just don't know how you would find that sick. If anything says youthful it is a penis in your mouth, I mean back in my younger days I was always.............never mind.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

Have I heard the name of Pepe? I believe I heard the lonely call of the harried female reach me through the ether as she cries, "Pepe?" "Pepe?" Never fear...Pepe is here! When booty calls...duty calls!

(WARNING: Penis pasta is NOT actual size!)


Lgali profile image

Lgali 8 years ago

nice one LOL


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

Spryte, You are a very caring and clever sister! You can't go wrong with either gift. But if your sister is truly on a quest for eternal youth, perhaps you should treat her to a day of pampering and rejuvenation. I know an excellent masseuse/cabana boy. Call Pepe and tell him Mighty Mom sent you:-)!


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Gwendy...that's just sick! LOL!

Misty - I'm impressed! I would never be able to tell the difference between one cow and the next. :) (and btw...are you feeling any better?)


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

Spryte, I found this and thought you might want to have a look. It's not for a nose but if she ever pierces her tongue I think you got the perfect gift for her.

http://www.mspiercing.com/Product/add-on--silicone...


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

PS. Did you know the Cow at the top of your Hub is a Jersey Cow which come from our neighbouring island?


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

LOL, Brilliant Spryte, I am with sixty on this, he must have been reading my mind when he posted his comment :)


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Ajcor - The t-shirt would have fit her perfectly! It would never have occurred to her that it might be different for anyone else :)

Sixty - Can I get a pearl that small? :)


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

I think a penis nose bone in full delecti, so to speak, with a small stone in the "eye" of the penis would just give it that touch of elegance and oh the Starbucks coffee voucher too! LOL


ajcor profile image

ajcor 8 years ago from NSW. Australia

hysterical - what a great present ....rofl .... so i get it with the gift giving - not fantastic choices - but tell me would the T shirt have been in a perfect place for the chest adjustment of her knobs....so to speak???


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

LOL of giving to...not receiving from...roflmao!  I won't even tell you how she gave me a t-shirt once that had knobs on it in a rather obvious place and underneath said "Don't fiddle with the knobs...they're perfectly adjusted."  Only problem was...the knobs hung a few inches south of where my chest should have been if I'd been so gifted...

:) oops...I guess I just did!


ajcor profile image

ajcor 8 years ago from NSW. Australia

Hi Spryte - hopw you are winning at wow - that photo of the blue stone nose ring looks absolutely lethal - I think your idea to GM should be what you go with - the box of penis shaped pasta with the gift hidden inside!! a bit of initial suffering and payback never hurts anyone....lol and you say she is an 8 on the scale...


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Hi Chris!!!!!!!! Some of those Christmas ornaments can be darn heavy though. I'd hate to see her nostril dragged down to her lower lip...but then again... :) I'm doing great atm...the game keeps crashing so I am dividing my time between there and here. How you bein??

Rochelle - You are having WAY too much fun with this. :) But I do like your suggestions! I think sending her the pic with the nose ring would be a fantabulous idea and I will probably do just that. Thanks for that idea!

Gwendy - Hmmm...I should send her a damn box of penis pasta and hide her present inside the box. Sort of like a cereal prize.... We had both a Duckwall's and a Piggly Wiggly. They just don't name stores like they used to do they? I looked up the one in Albuquerque that I remember and it must be gone because there are no pics :(


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

I say fashion a nose ring from the penis shaped pasta, Ha! then get her the coffee maker. Great story, and btw, We don't even have a walmart where I live, just a small duckwalls. I was pretty surprised to see that you had one posted on here.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 8 years ago from California Gold Country

I got my sister a silver necklace with a pendant with a heart in the center surrounded by the inscription, " Well behaved women rarely make history". I don't think it comes in a nose ring.

I'll bet you made that cashier's day!

You should also enclose a copy of that photo of the woman with the basket on her head.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

Hi Spryte!!!!!!!!!!!Great hub! I voted for the nose ring. Of course, you could take one of those ornament hanging wires, put an ornament on it, and tell her it's a nose ring. That would look all christmassy and cool. Hope you're doing great!


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

You know, Rochelle...that thought had crossed my mind too. :) She might even believe me when I tell her it's really a rocket....


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 8 years ago from California Gold Country

How about a nose ring in a distinctive pasta shape?


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

MasonsMom - Thank you again! The more I think about it...the more I'm thinking nose ring. Shipping can't be that much....and heck, I could even it slip it into her Christmas card! Can't say that about a coffee maker....


MasonsMom profile image

MasonsMom 8 years ago from U.S.A.

Hilarious. Great writing-you kept me hooked til the end. Good luck with that gift...

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