The Come-Back-to-Hubpages Challenge - The Fishy Mountain

This Hub is written in response to:

A Writing Challenge: Are You Up For It? - by Bill Holland

http://hubpages.com/literature/A-Writing-Challenge-Are-You-Up-For-It

Story Title: A FISHY MOUNTAIN

By De Greek

The worm drew my attention with its coughing. Until then, I had no idea that worms cough.

I looked down and right next to the cooler, the sand moved and the worm peaked right and left over the grains of sand until our eyes met.

‘Oh, bovine egesta!’ it said with resignation and keeled over. (Historian’s note: Hubpages does not allow the word “bullshit” to be used in its hallowed pages, and in any case, I found out later that this was a cultured worm from Pune, a previously Imperial City in the Indian state of Maharashtra).

There I was, lying on the beach sweating rivers in 40 degree August heat, with Einstein by my side, minding my own business and trying to think of clever ways to tease Raye Roes, Shallini, FP, Pam Good, Shadesbreadth, Nellieanna Hay and Marie Jimenez-Beaumont. That’s Einstein the bulldog, by the way, for those who do not know us.

Imagine a sandy beach spreading out on either side of us with no one else around to bother us. A fairly large beach umbrella shared its priceless protection equally between Einstein, myself and the cooler.

Now, the De Greeks are renowned for their humanity, for their sensitive natures and for their love of animals, so I immediately rushed to the creature’s aid. I gently took hold of its head and pulled it out of the sand. It was a big fucker. (The De Greeks are not from Pune, a previously Imperial City in the Indian state of Maharashtra). It was at least two meters long.

I could not feel a pulse so, in desperation, I began giving it mouth to mouth resuscitation. The worm began to splutter and a spray of green goo came out of its mouth straight down my throat.

‘Jeeeeeesus, what an arsehole! You nearly choked me, Adolf!’ the worm said, momentarily forgetting its Imperial ancestry and traditions.

I spat out green goo from my mouth and tried to speak, but the thing spayed some more green stuff out of its mouth and retched.

‘You kissed me, you pervert. Who knows where that mouth has been? You are not one of those modern sex experimenters, are you? I’ve watched the internet and those porn sites should be blocked. Well, not quite all, but certainly the ones that are into what you seem to enjoy. Pervert!’

‘I was only trying to help,’ I responded with as much dignity as I could muster in men’s thong bathing trunks.

‘Well, help by taking me to the water’s edge to wash off your bescumber, you fimicolous creature. I feel feint again. And keep that elephant away from me,’ he said looking at Einstein. Einstein barked and the worm fainted again. (And you lot don’t tell me that you are not rushing to the dictionary for the words ‘bescumber’, and ‘fimicolous’ because I won’t believe you for a second).

I took him to the water’s edge and gently and carefully washed him. I say him, because to my certain knowledge, in the history of womanhood no female has ever found fault with the De Greek lips before.

The worm began to recover and wormed itself around itself. John Daulton will no doubt criticize this sentence, but I challenge anyone to do a better job of it.

It looked up at me with dubious, mistrustful eyes.

‘What’s your name, Adolf?’ It said.

‘De Greek. What’s yours?’

‘De Greek? What kind of name is that? I think I’ll just call you Moron. My name is Navuhodonosor, but you can call me Sir.’

‘Very well, Sir, but tell me, how come a worm like you can speak?’

‘It’s one of nature’s mysteries, like how can an ordure pile like you move?’ (Admit it, John Daulton, you guessed the meaning, but you want to look it up to make sure, right?)

Einstein barked again and Sir swam off into the deep, to get away from us. Oddly, I was sad to see a talking worm swim away from me, but the only thing I could do was to wash off the heat and dirt from my body, so I also swam out to sea. Einstein faithfully followed me.

Suddenly I heard a screech and looking out at the endless sea, I saw Sir making a mad dash for me, followed by a fin cutting the water behind him. A large fish was after Sir.


Now the De Greeks are generally a brave lot, but only on land and when they are not dressed in a thong. The thong tends to put us off our game, so to speak. I began to swim to shore with some vim, but Sir was too fast for me. I felt him scramble up my back and curl himself around my neck. I had to stop in order to breathe, so I turned around to face my fate.

To my surprise the fish stopped a few feet away from us and looked at Einstein, who was barking, curiously. I was also amazed to see that it was a huge Salvelinus killinensis, native to Scotland lakes and known colloquially as Haddy Charr.

‘What’s a fresh water fish doing in the Mediterranean,’ I wondered out aloud.

‘Ye took me worm, ye scabby bassa,’ the fish said. (For those who do not speak Scottish, it means ‘you took my worm you dirty bastard).

As you can appreciate, I was amazed at this.

‘I’ll thank you to keep a civil tongue in your head,’ I said with as much dignity as I could muster.

‘Da no try to be dignified wid me, ye jabbie jabber (you gay). Remember I am a fish and I can see what ye’s wearing and a thong is not a man’s gear.’

‘Never mind my thong; you are not getting your fishy lips around Sir.’

‘That’s the spirit Moron, you tell him,’ Sir said in encouragement.

‘Oh, own yi go ride thu brron floom,’ the fish said. (Google it).



‘Listen you frivolous, grandiose and vexatious microphalli, I can’t sit here listening to you two pudendagra all day long. The sea is becoming choppy and we need to get ashore and sharpish,’ said the worm. (Go on Nellieanna, see if you work THAT one out).

‘Oh very well then. Get on me back and I’ll take ye ashore safely, before ye drown,’ replied the fish in resignation.

‘That’s pretty decent of you old man,’ I said. ‘Let us put all misunderstandings aside and get along as we are supposed to.’

And with that, I picked up Einstein by the collar and climbed onto the fish’s back.

Unexpectedly, wings sprang out of the sides of the fish and it began to fly out of the water, with us on its back. I was terrified speechless and held on tightly to its huge dorsal fin in desperation. Einstein howled and the worm screeched in terror.


‘As a cultured worm from Pune, a previously Imperial City in the Indian state of Maharashtra, I am bound by the rules of proper diction, grammar and civilized language, but what the fuck is going on here, Moron?’ the worm justifiably asked.

However, my terror kept me from responding.

Shortly thereafter, (I read this expression in Robinson Crusoe and I dare you lot to find fault with it), I saw a large, snow covered mountain in the distance. I took a photo of it on my smart phone, which I happen to have around my neck, in a waterproof pouch. (Go on you lot, question this. I dare you). The mountain was covered by dark dangerous clouds on the left, but on the right side the sun was shining brightly.


The fish landed on the top of the mountain and said:

‘Ye canno be very comfortable now in that thong, can ’e? Ye have a two meter worm there. Gimme half, and I’ll set ye down. The worm’l grow back up again and we’ll both be happy.’

‘You are not happy with being a figurative coccydynia, you want to actually cause me one, you miserable gowk!’ the worm screamed.

But I was freezing and taking advantage of the few minutes left to me before frost bite set in on all my protruding parts, I grabbed the worm, pulled half of it apart and shoved the end half part in the mouth of the fish.

‘Yummy!’ the fish said and immediately took off for the lowlands.

As it turned out, we didn’t have far to go. I saw through ice covered eyes that we were heading for the hillbilly part of the Appalachian Mountains, an area I know well.

‘I must say, fish, your behaviour leaves much to be desired,’ I said through chattering teeth.

‘Go take a running fuck at a rolling doughnut, Bampot. (I believe the translation is: I'm not persuaded of your argument, idiot).

‘There’s no need to be uncivil, old man,’ I responded with as much dignity as I could muster. That thong was really cramping my style.

‘Geez a gobble, Bampot. (There is no power on earth that can force me to translate this and I beg you Raye Roes, FB, Shalini and especially Nellieanna, NOT to look it up. It might be less painful for Lee Barton, but only because she is married to a sea captain and she may have heard things of this nature from the captain during moments of extreme stress, when the ship was in danger of floundering in rough seas).

Just then the fish put us down in a scrap yard, full of old trains ready for being crushed. As the fish flew off into the afternoon sun, it shouted laughing:

‘Yer mawz bawz (your mother's testicles) Bampot (idiot). Own yi go ride thu brron floom (the De Greeks have their limits, even in translations), the fish shouted, as it flew away, laughing.

I was about to make a cutting remark, but just then, Sir began to climb off me and I was destructed. I looked around more carefully and saw the familiar sight of my ex-wife’s barn. I used to be married to the hillbilly Goddess-like Pam Robertson-Good before she left me for the local football team, and I realized that this was her family’s scrap yard. I have never been able to get over that woman. It still hurts.

I was so thrilled to be in the same place where we spent so many happy days together with my hillbilly love, that I told my story to Sir.


Source

‘Do you still want her back Moron?’ he asked.

‘Of course I do!’ I said without hesitation.

‘Well, I know these hillbilly women, and their hearts are as big as their feet. That’s why it takes a lot of gold to fill their hearts up. Despite everything, Moron, I’ve come to like you. Look at those train wagons.’



I looked at the piles of rust which were the train wagons.

‘Oxoaloxo, GOLD,’ Sir said.

Right before my eyes the trains turned into solid gold. I was almost blinded by the sight! I was speechless.

‘There’s a trillion dollars’ worth of gold there, Moron. Even someone as ugly as you becomes lovable with that much moolah.

’‘Wow! Why thank you, Sir. You’ve not only made my day, you’ve brought me lifelong happiness with my Pam, the only woman in the world for me! But please, do me another favor. I want to surprise my love. Turn the trains back as they were, and when my Pam comes out, we’ll surprise her with your magic. She will think twice about leaving me again once she sees what a powerful friend I have.’

‘Oh, very well, Moron. You are becoming a real coccydynia again,' the worm said.

'Oxoaloxo, (you lot expected abracadabra, right?) BACK!’

And immediately the trains became as they were.

‘Oh, mamma!’ Sir said at my feet.

I looked down and Sir was already trying to get to know another worm, which I understood from his comment to be a female. In fact, he was trying to know her in the biblical sense right in front of me.

However, my attention was drawn by a happy screech from the barn. I looked up and froze in awe and happiness. There was my love, my Pam, in her bare feet and in her hot shorts, running at me with her arms wide open, anxious to embrace me. My legs were like lead, but I managed to open my arms to receive her running form.


I did not pay attention to the ‘splash’ sound at first and it took us five minutes to disentangle. It was when I looked down to introduce Pam to Sir that I saw his squashed form on the grass. Pam’s beautiful, but huge, feet had stepped on Sir and his new playmate.

We buried them together, in honour of their newly found, but brief, love.

For those visitors who are not aware of how Pam and I got married on Hubpages, you may satisfy your curiosity by visiting the links below:

http://hubpages.com/literature/Jewish-Bigamy

http://hubpages.com/entertainment/DE-GREEK-AND-ME-TILL-DEATH-OR-POWER-OUTAGE-DO-WE-PART

http://hubpages.com/family/Accidental-Jewish-Bigamy

In honor of Nellieanna H. Hay

ALL RIGHTS WAVED. This material is NOT protected under International and Federal Copyright Laws and Treaties. Any unauthorized reprint or use of this material is DEFINITELY PERMITTED. ANY part may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without express written permission of Nellieanna H. Hay or Dimitris Mita De Greek. ;-)

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33 comments

Gypsy Willow 3 months ago

What are you smoking De Greek? Interesting tale to start the day. I didn't get a mention but none of your camp followers have commented yet!


De Greek profile image

De Greek 3 months ago from UK Author

You are mentioned first, Kid ;-)


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 months ago from TEXAS

One outta three ain't bad. (words suggested for needing official definitions). For your information, I did not run to look up the first two, which looked too unlikely to be in the dictionary, till your shifty challenge came! Sure enough "no entries found" was the result of biting the bait. The third one looked like a metonymy which amply suggested its meaning and reference, so needed no lookup.

OK - it's a fun story. When I saw its announcement, I knew it would be! I love it. It would be disappointing if you didn't try to be supercilious and chauvinistic, you big lug.

I'm so happy you're back and writing here! Perhaps I should do it more!

from ~ a minor camp follower.


Feline Prophet profile image

Feline Prophet 3 months ago from India

Coming from the aforementioned Imperial City as I do, I shall stick to a harmless hahahahaha!!


De Greek profile image

De Greek 3 months ago from UK Author

Nellieanna, my Goddess-in-Human-Shape, you should get another dictionary! :-)

BESCUMBER (v) - Definition: To spray with poo.

FIMICOLOUS - (living and growing on crap).

ORDURE - Definition: Poo.

Gotcha! :-)


De Greek profile image

De Greek 3 months ago from UK Author

FP, is that all? After all my hard work on the Imperial roots of Pune? Oh, that hurts!!!

:-)


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 months ago from TEXAS

Perhaps I should. But that was the same response from:

New Oxford American Dictionary

Oxford American Writer's Thesaurus

Apple Dictionary

AND

Wikipedia

Anyway, your meaning, dear heart, is clear. . . er. . . brownish.


De Greek profile image

De Greek 3 months ago from UK Author

My sweet Nellieanna, my aim in life is to be of use to you in your poetic endeavors, so:

MICROPHALLUS (n) - Definition: An unusually small penis.

PUDENDAGRA (pain in the genitals)

COCCYDYNIA (n) - Definition: Pain in the butt.

GOWK - A fool or a silly person.

Are you not glad now that you've met me? ;-)


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 months ago from TEXAS

I was gladder about your input prior to that lesson aimed for my poetic endeavors. I'll have to be forgiven if none of those words will be used in any of my poetic endeavors, though I can think of possible uses for some of them in other areas, in which unlikely case, forgiveness would be needed. ;)

Bless your heart.


VioletSun profile image

VioletSun 3 months ago from Oregon/ Name: Marie

We just finished dinner and my amore did not face the visuals of green gook going into your mouth as you so gallantly tried to save the ungrateful worm. Yikes. lol.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 3 months ago from California

Well, I just spent about 20 minutes typing a long considered response to this, and HP wouldn't let me post it. Said I had to log in. So, yeah. Sorry. I glowed at your wit, laughed that you got me on knowing I didn't look it up. Suggested a FB group for this. And, blah blah.

Sorry, just way too long to try to re-do. Kinda pissed, lol. Going to drink more now.


De Greek profile image

De Greek 3 months ago from UK Author

I should have mentioned:

This Hub is written in response to:

A Writing Challenge: Are You Up For It?

http://hubpages.com/literature/A-Writing-Challenge...


De Greek profile image

De Greek 3 months ago from UK Author

My dear Nellieanna, my aim in life is to spread happiness and knowledge, especially to the people I love, such as yourself. :-)

It is true that sometimes my efforts are not appreciated, or they fall short of the mark, but I take such failings in my stride. Please forgive me if I have offended... ;-)


De Greek profile image

De Greek 3 months ago from UK Author

Marie, I am sorry to spoil your dinner. I hope your amore has recovered sufficiently to appreciate the rest of this masterly contribution to World Literature ;-)


De Greek profile image

De Greek 3 months ago from UK Author

Friend John, sorry I had to drag you fighting and screaming to this Hub, but since it refers to you in a couple of places, I thought you might be interested in its contents.

I would gladly give away the other half of the worm to know what gems of humor your 20 minutes of effort on my comment section had produced. As it is, the loss shall be an irreversible and eternal pain to World Literature.

And I wish knew what an FB group is, so I would be more appreciative of your consideration ;-)


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 months ago from TEXAS

No way am I offended, m'dear. But I couldn't let you get away with the subtle attempt to be offensive without response.

I knew you're using your talents to stir up the neglected HP group and fun, as only you could.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 3 months ago from California

FB Group = a group on Facebook. It allows you to select a few people who share a particular interest or sense of humor etc. to coalesce into a ... well ... a group.

A good Facebook group is the only thing really worth shit left on that otherwise politically poisoned site. A really good group can be amazing. Most fizzle and die, but every so often ... gold.

Seems like the purpose of the challenge is to bring back that comaraderie that was lost. A few HP groups started a few years ago, but most have petered out. Perhaps a carefully selected group of handpicked wits etc. might have a chance of survival. Or more.

Just a thought that hit me as I read this.


De Greek profile image

De Greek 3 months ago from UK Author

Nellieanna, my sweet, I hope you will believe me when I say taht I was not trying to be offensive. It may have come across like that, but that was not my intent. I was trying to be humorous, but as usual, failed ;-)

Kiss


De Greek profile image

De Greek 3 months ago from UK Author

John, I am not FB learned, but if you decide to set up such a group, I would love to participate ;-)


Shalini Kagal profile image

Shalini Kagal 3 months ago from India

Ah, the second installment cometh....worm and green goo et al!

Thought you were never going to get to that mountain or the rest of the pics that were supposed to be a part of the challenge - you surprised me, you did! :D


De Greek profile image

De Greek 3 months ago from UK Author

You are a bad girl, Shal. I had so much energy to right this story and when you did not show up, I lost interest.... ;-)


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 months ago from TEXAS

Darlin', darlin'. OK,- - if you didn't mean to offend and I'm not offended, what's the point of further discussion of it? Could we just move on? You are humorous and I'm devoted to you.

When's your story to continue?


De Greek profile image

De Greek 3 months ago from UK Author

Shal, as you may know, we are renowned in Cyprus for spelling 'write' in the modern fashion of 'right'. ;-)


De Greek profile image

De Greek 3 months ago from UK Author

Nellieanna, you are such a sweet girl. You always forgive my trespasses, inadvertent or otherwise.

The New World Masterpiece shall be completed within a week. Or two. It depends on how much Shalini and FP ignore me. ;-)


De Greek profile image

De Greek 3 months ago from UK Author

Nellieanna, I just realized that the reason my comment might seem offensive, is because you did not realize that another section had been added to the story (PART 2) which you must have missed!

Please tell me if I am correct.


billybuc profile image

billybuc 3 months ago from Olympia, WA

The first sentence was enough to guarantee anyone would read more. Great imagination and wonderful fun. I'll put this away for now and read again after the deadline. Thank you so much for taking part in the challenge. Bravo!


De Greek profile image

De Greek 3 months ago from UK Author

billybac, we Great Authors are characterized by modesty and humility and we tend to blush when people read our masterpieces ;-)

Kidding aside, Bill, I thank you for taking the trouble to come and read my nonsense. I very much appreciate your visit ;-)


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 months ago from TEXAS

Let me just say - 'frivolous, grandiose and vexatious microphalli ' have never stirred my admiration, . . . she said, gingerly stepping out of the ordure.


De Greek profile image

De Greek 3 months ago from UK Author

Nellieanna - is that all my love? You are not curious to read the Masterpiece now that it is complete????? Oh, my!

:-)


Shalini Kagal profile image

Shalini Kagal 3 months ago from India

You're hilarious, DG!

Thanks for the laughs!


De Greek profile image

De Greek 3 months ago from UK Author

I am glad you liked this piece which you inspired, Shal. But we seem to have been away too long. Very few people are showing up to read the new World Masterpiece. :-)


Jodah profile image

Jodah 3 months ago from Queensland Australia

Hi De Greek, I have not made your aquaintance before but this was damn funny. I don't know whether you were smoking something wacky or just have a fantastic imagination and just ran with it.. No matter, it worked. Just wondering how you could tell the worm's head from it's other end..oh it talked, right :)

Apart from Nellieanna, many of the other names of Hubber were lost on me. We must hang out in different circles, but welcome back to HP anyway with this great response to Bill's challenge.


De Greek profile image

De Greek 3 months ago from UK Author

Jodah, we Great Authors only smoke Cuban cigars and get our inspiration from that. But now I am wondering what gave the game away and you realized this was not an actual real event? Odd. :-)

Kidding aside, thank you for your kind words. :-) Nice to meet you.

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