The Cyberwarrior 500 Bedpan: A Troll's Best Friend

Typical Troll
Typical Troll

Are you a troll? Do you like to start forum threads about gays or abortion? Do you like God a lot and use the Bible to make other people feel like crap? Are you an atheist and like to use science and reason to piss off your Christian friends? Or how about politics: do you like Obama and enjoy telling conservatives how awesome America is now? Maybe you are conservative and nothing makes you as happy as pointing out how the world is going to end now that Obama is in office.

Well, whoever you are, you know the joy of posting on forums and in hub comments with the sole purpose of pissing people off. What blissful delight it is to see the spasms to which people go when you have insulted them and tried to take their dignity. You can just hear the spite and anger in the tap-tapping of their keys as they try to argue with your monstrous replies. There’s nothing like seeing apoplexy in action through the spurious indignation that trolling can put people through. Making others feel like garbage is fun!

But what about you? You spend all your time worried about how others feel. You spend all your time trying to insult and infuriate, to demean, demoralize and degrade. But what about your feelings? When was the last time you did something for yourself? If you’re like us here at Cyberwarrior Manufacturing, you often forget to take care of yourself. And that’s why we have invented the Cyberwarrior 500 Bedpan, “a troll’s best friend.”

The Cyberwarrior 500

A troll's best friend
A troll's best friend

With your Cyberwarrior 500 Bedpan, you never have to get up again. You can just sit there and crap real crap while you type that cruel crap you spew all day. Think of it, you’ll never have to get up again. You just let ‘er rip whenever you’re in the mood without missing a single sentence of hate or dropping a moment’s vitriol. Just imagine how much additional fury and rage you will be able to cause if you don’t have to stop three or four times a day for a bathroom break. You might even be able to make some old lady cry!

Making that even more possible, the Cyberwarrior 500 Bedpan NEVER has to be emptied so you don't miss a moment of being mean. Thanks to one of our inventors here at Cyberwarrior Manufacturing, the Cyberwarrior 500 has a “Troll Spigot Security Drain” system that allows the contents to remove themselves without any effort from you at all.

So there you have it, my troll friends, the Cyberwarrior 500 Bedpan. It’s a way to treat yourself to more trolling than ever before. Rudeness, disrespect, blindness, ignorance and cowardly online savagery never had a better ally than the Cyberwarrior 500 Bedpan.

ONLY $199.99

Have some fun and drop a deuce in this awesome product today. Made from solid semi-stainless steel, your Cyberwarrior 500 Bedpan will be your butt’s best friend for years to come. If you order now, we’ll even throw in a pack of six Cyberwarrior 500 scented candles to fend off the stench of all the, uh, whiny people typing their little, sniveling goody-goody responses to that brilliance you post all day long.

To order, just call 1-800-1-BedPan or leave your credit card number at the bottom of this article. (Yes, other people will probably come along and steal your credit card number if you do that, but hey, you are a troll so you probably don’t have a job, so it’s not like you have any money anyway, so why worry?)

ONLY $199.99.

Order NOW!

Typical troll AFTER purchasing a Cyberwarrior 500 Bedpan
Typical troll AFTER purchasing a Cyberwarrior 500 Bedpan

Cyberwarrior 500 Marketing Survey

After viewing this promotional article, will you be purchasing a Cyberwarrior 500 for yourself or someone you love?

See results without voting

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Comments 81 comments

Spacey Gracey profile image

Spacey Gracey 6 years ago from Essex, UK

Love it. As an alternative you really should checkout the auto-troll 3000 software - it sends automated forum b0ll0cks out at a rate much faster than you could ever hope to type. Now you can upset people for every walk of life without even touching your keyboard.

Also Shades I must say I find your stereotypical depction of a brain with glasses highly offensive - I wear glasses to use the computer and am not in the least bit brainy.

Buffoon profile image

Buffoon 6 years ago

HAHAHA this has go to be the craziest, sonofabitchiest, hilariousest piece of cyber crap I've seen the whole year long! Looky here, if I pee my new year pants I'm SUING!

And for the record, I voted MAYBE! LOL

Buffoon profile image

Buffoon 6 years ago

Have to say "year long as in 365 days"! Just cracked myself up thinking the goddamn year just started and I wouldn't do this any justice if I didn't clarify! :)

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca

Shameless promotion, this. AND the ample butt cavity is anything but(t). Send me one anyway, I'm terribly sick of going to the bathroom.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Spacey Gracey, your software sounds outstanding. I could run that in the background, while only trolling where I felt I could do the most damage. I like it! Maybe I'll pick that product line up and whitelable it as Cyberwarrior software. I'll have my people call their people and get that firmed up. :)

Oh, and get contacts, then nobody will expect anything from you.

Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 6 years ago from Near the Ocean

Shades this is my first read of the New Year. I don't know if it can be topped. Cheers!

Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 6 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

I was dragged in by the first three or four sentences, and after that it got better and better. Please tell me that there's an Automatic Troll Spelling Checker soon to be released in the marketplace. I get really deflated when I read someone's vitriol and they haven't written something like: "All Gay's are Evil" or "Your silly if you dont believe god created the world in seven day's" or even "It says in the Koran that Muslim's should eat Christian babys".

Great hub. Love it (says he obsequiously).

Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Buffoon, if you pee your New Year's pants, it only proves you need to buy one. :)

Lorlie: not bad for 91 minutes, eh? lol. And thank you for your order. Your Cyberwarrior 500 is on the way.

Randy Behavior, thanks for that. I have a chance of holding on to that honor as long as you don't read any hubs this year written by Christoph Reilly, Stan Fletcher, De Greek, Mark Ewbie ... ...

Twilight Lawns: That's the way I like to get my readers, dragging them in and then duct taping them to a tree. Or should I say duck taping them in keeping with the spelling you so clearly enjoy in the troll communitys?

wingedcentaur profile image

wingedcentaur 6 years ago from That Great Primordial Smash UP of This and That Which Gave Rise To All Beings and All Things!

Good Day Shadesbreath

I am not overstating when I say this hub is brilliant. Brilliant is not a word I just throw around. You have a real talent for satire -- I'd love to have the chance to see you do something with it professionally.

Trolls will probably read this, fail to recognize themselves in it (we often fail to recognize ourselves), and say "That's exactly right! I hate people like that!" And so on and so forth.

I once made a suggestion to a hubber who was looking for material for a comedy act. I suggested that she get two or three friends together to set up a staged performance piece about all the craziness and crazy characters one meets online during the course of "blogging." They would need would need some props: some old, worn out monitors or television screens, keyboards, chairs.

They'd be typing and there would be some PA narration telling what they're typing and the kinds of responses they get and so on - we have quite a few "characters" here on HubPages (both in the good and bad sense, those who really, truly do need the Cyberwarrior 500 Bedpan!).

Anyway, I don't think the online community has been properly satirized yet. And if anybody can, you can. In any case, good job. I voted the hub up for funny and awesome.

Take it easy.

Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Thanks Wingedcentaur. I have the satirical advantage of having nursed at the bosom of sarcasm as an infant, raised of a family of sarcastics that dates back to the beginning. Rumor has it, my great, great grandfather X 1,000,000 was the first to use sarcasm when, after having his leg ripped off by a sabertooth tiger, he was asked by a cavemate "Are you okay?" Apparently my primitive patriarch said only, "Yeah, I feel fantastic," and then promptly died.

(I've offered a few friends who do stand-up, or claim to / plan to do it, to help write stuff for them, but so far no takers. Thanks for the thumbs up :)

wingedcentaur profile image

wingedcentaur 6 years ago from That Great Primordial Smash UP of This and That Which Gave Rise To All Beings and All Things!

No problem. Just a sidenote.

I'm wondering if I'm mis-remembering, but didn't you used to have over 1400 follower/fans?

Anyway, as for these friends of yours, they really should employ you -- it'd probably jumpstart their careers.

Cheers mate and Happy New Year!

Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

I don't think so. I know I seem to lose almost as many as I gain, but I don't recall having had so precipitous a drop as all that.

Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis

"Drop a deuce?" I don't know what that means, but it's funny as hell!

Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

[Doing my best Foghorn Leghorn impression at Christoph] "A deuce, Boy. A number two. It's a joke, Son."

DzyMsLizzy profile image

DzyMsLizzy 6 years ago from Oakley, CA

LOL! Brilliant satire, indeed! Do you drop-ship these products as gifts for those who do not recognize themselves? Hahahahaha...

Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

There seems to be a demand for that particular service, doesn't there, DzyMsLizzy.

chirls profile image

chirls 6 years ago from Indiana (for now)

Hilarious as this hub is, my favourite part was when I accidentally noticed that the tags for it include "annoying morons" and "general a-holes". I think I'll be laughing about this one for a while!

Cagsil profile image

Cagsil 6 years ago from USA or America

Hey Shades, I have to admit this one isn't as funny as most of your writing usually is, but it was funny enough to mark it funny. :P As for the trolls? Well, you cannot expect any of them to actually read it, because they will realize it's about them and then just leave. But, I hope you make some sales, it would definitely mean you hit a very unique niche market. :P :) Thank you for sharing. :)

IzzyM profile image

IzzyM 6 years ago from UK

Brilliant Shades! Thanks for sharing :)

I especially liked your drawings too! Man that trolls house must be STINKING with the bedpan spigot leaking onto the floor and all those cats!

Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Shades, I'm ordering 3 or 4 for next year's Christmas presents. One specifically for my boss who does nothing but sit and stare at the computer all day.

These will also make excellent gifts for teens who need to play World of Warcraft all day which is where I suspect the name came from. I expect a 10% commission for this marketing strategy suggestion.

cc# BR549-8675302-42

Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis

Yeah, I figured it out. Pinched a loaf. Dropped a stool. Launched a submarine.

mega1 profile image

mega1 6 years ago

Do you know what? My butt got numb just trying to read this drivel. Drivel, was gonna be MY niche, you bumb. You took it from me! Shame, shame on you! Furthermore, I could use one of those, except I don't have TIME to troll, or shyte either! lately :_ too much info? anyhow, if it came equipped with a fly-away fan, I'd probably vote to buy it anyway, even though I never troll. no. never. yet, but maybe someday - soon >..< yess? cuz, my poop, it is so attractive and bettder than anybody's! on the whole wide universe. verse. hmmmmmmmmmmm. . .

SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 6 years ago from Philippines

With all the crap flying around the religious forum.I'm sure the Cyberwarrior bedpan will be a best seller.Just one problem I notice it's made of solid stainless steel. The prolonged pressure on the butt might caused chronic ulcers.(as in bedridden patients) Will the manufacturers be providing accessories like cushion pads to make crapping more comfortable?

Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Chirls, thank you. I have a lot of fun making those tags, but they seldom get noticed. I think most of us have tuned out tags, so I'm happy that you saw them. :D

Hi Cags. I know what you mean. With humor, you never know what's going to hit and what's going to miss. You just got to toss it out there. Still, for 91 minutes, drawings and all, I'm fine with the results if a few folks got a chuckle out of it. Appreciate your honesty, keeps me honest too.

Heh, yeah, Austinstar, that one WoW episode did have gamer pots didn't it? lol. Maybe subliminal theft. I actualy had a bit of a rant on a forum thread which is where this started, maybe SP was up in there. And of course you will get commission for anything you sell. I'm setting up affiliate opportunities as we speak. :D

Izzy M: YEah, can you imagine a house like that! Yikes. BUt then, it does show how convenient the Troll spigot feature is. :)

Christoph, you do realize how depraved this could get if we "go there" right? lol

Mega, that's the thing with niche marketing. You gotta get their first. I will be spamming hubs for the next three days using every possible key word phrase I can for this fine product (which, btw, if you'd had one, your butt wouldn't have gone numb because of how comfortable the Cyberwarrior 500 is).

SilentReed: Yes, we will be providing accessories to go with your bedpan throughout the year, timing at the very end the drain tube you see subtly pictured here that channels ... effluence further from your chair so you don't have your feet sitting in it. :)

Denizee 6 years ago

There's a troll born every minute, and the grown up ones - think this Hub is hilarious! I read, and laughed out loud at so much in this Hub. Kudos to you for your imaginative, realistic and well written piece.

drbj profile image

drbj 6 years ago from south Florida

What an invention! If it is available in dark brown, send me one! :)

Abbasangel profile image

Abbasangel 6 years ago from Australia - The land down under

Darn, I read all through and only one credit card number! :p Hilarious! Although I beleive for the benfit of my health and getting at least a half hour of excersice I should walk to the loo, if not skip.... Good luck with it!!

I facebooked it!! :)

Mark Ewbie profile image

Mark Ewbie 6 years ago from Euroland

Semi stainless steel? What that needs is a genuine fake leather protective seat cover.

One thing for sure Shadesbreath - with this product I won't suffer from writer's block anymore.

De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK

Cyberwarrior Manufacturing should get its act together, pull its finger out and hire a proper marketing man. You missed the Christmas presents market by a hairs-breath! Obviously, Commerce has not claimed Cyberwarrior Manufacturing for its own, but I am available and I am cheap if you are intersted.

This just might be your funniest piece yet, Shades. I loved every word, including 'apoplexy in action'. :-))

Green Lotus profile image

Green Lotus 6 years ago from Atlanta, GA

HaaaaHaaaaHaaaa:) ;)!!!! I soiled my pajamas reading this one. Bad timing indeed :(

Beth100 profile image

Beth100 6 years ago from Canada

I have a bit of a problem with your Warrior!!! First, it's not evironmentally friendly!! What to do with all that radioactive shyte?? The poor cats! They'll be glowing -- but perhaps that's another venture in natural lighting! Second, I didn't know trolls could read. The last one that visited me was so full of himself, he was spewing everywhere (and without the Warrior)! Third, you better ramp up the production line! I can see sales piling up there. Now, don't forget to offer it in pretty patterned textures -- a few hard spikes might add to their pleasure! I'll send you a list of my fav trolls -- you can send and bill them direct!

:) Funny, Shades, funny! :) XD :D

pam 6 years ago

Ha, ha. Still love ya. You should be syndicated. Until then, snark on, Obi Wan, snark on. :)

Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Denizee, nothing like a little marketing for fun, eh? Thanks for the nice comment.

Drbj, the color models will be out in time for next Christmas. As a few have pointed out, Cyberwarrior Manufacturing missed the boat, but next year, we're all over it!

Abbasangel: Exercise is a word I don't like to use; I break into a sweat just thinking about it. PLus, the loo for me is at least four to eight steps away, and, frankly, that's a ridiculous amount of effort to put into the activity that follows, erm, if you follow my drift. (Thanks for the FB :)

That's right Mark Ewbie, with this product, you can just keep typing and typing right through your writers block. And Love the leather idea. Genuine leather and even a virgin vinyl version for the cheapskates. Man, I'm going to get rich.

Heh heh, De Greek, imagine, you Senior VP of Global Marketing. I can see the backroom deals, the cigar smoke, the cognac, the shadowy Russians with their salt-and-pepper whiskers of three-days growth. We'd have an empire built in a year and super models writhing at our feet, reaching their smooth slender fingers up to us, seeking us with desire in their eyes. Oh, and we'd have blow... a big one, right in the back of our heads where our wive's hit us with the cast iron pans for looking at those super models. . . . Hmm, on second thought, maybe I should do my own marketing. :P

Hi Green Lotus, sorry about the PJs, but you can still order now and next time you'll be covered.

Beth, all I can say is, you need to find a better quality of Troll to hang out with. That spewing everywhere thing sounds like he was unconTROLLable. :D (It could not be helped). And hey, I like the patterns idea, it goes well with Mark Ewbies idea... patterned faux leather, and then wool, reall itchy, for the semi-sadist and full-on spikes for the full-on sadist. Man, with an idea mill like you guys here at HP, my fortune is secure.

OMG, HI PAM. WE MISS YOU TERRIBLY!!!! And I wish I could get syndicated. How fun would that be.

Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS

Dear Shades - Yikes. - What HAVE you been doing during these holidays? Decking The Halls With Boughs Not Jolly? Duh.

Btw, I'm hoping that the next addition to this - er - questionable - product line would be Accessories to the bedpan which might include a garden hose what would attach conveniently to the Troll Spigot Security Drain and empty the contents out and onto the user's vegetable garden to keep it fertilized and the house more sanitary. Would be a shame for the trolls to be closed down by local health authorities and curtail sales!

All it would take in design changes to the spigot would be the addition of standard coupling screw threads to match the hose. You could hike the price for this handy accessory enough to throw in free mailing. What do you think? ;->

cally2 6 years ago

I thought that trolls were too tight to sh**. Anyway they always seem to be full of it. Great hub Shades.

randslam profile image

randslam 6 years ago from Kelowna, British Columbia

You do realize that now trolls are making matches because of this hub, right?

What color is yours? How often do you clean do you clean it?

As Nigel Powers said, "There are two kinds of people I hate. Those who have no tolerance for other cultures--And the Dutch."

Nice hub, Shades. Does it come with a retractable umbrella so I can get outside? Don't want to denigrate anyone just from the inside--more fun to do it from a location in the great

Love the sketches. Do it yourself? And how long does it take for you to produce one of these beauties? There is your market!

Keep up the troll-erific theme.

Beege215e profile image

Beege215e 6 years ago

I am kind of new around here, not becoming a real hubber until December, but this is the best read I have had yet. I have found a few of those trolls you mention and have learned to avoid them in the future. I may be willing to purchase a few of your cyberwarrior 500's for a couple of trolls for X-mas next year, I do like the sound of that faux leather cover over your semi stainless seat. Laughed, voted up and laughed again. You made my day. Nice to meet you and will stay tuned. Thanks again

Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Nellieanna, you are now officially hired as my new V.P. of product development. De Greek will be doing the marketing, so you guys can build my empire while I coast and spend my time writing off drinking binges as company business meetings. :)

As for the halls of not so jolly, mostly just one morning of seeing too many haters. Drives me nuts. Me driven nuts + boredom = hubs like this.

Cally: That's just what they would have you believe. While they are in fact fecal-retentive, they do overload and, after reaching that stage, begin to, erm, produce normally, albeit always just taking some "off the top" if you will. This explains their awful attitudes and their need for the Cyberwarrior 500.

Randslam: It does not come with an umbrella, but one can be purchased from our Cyberwarrior 500 accessories department. See Nellieanna with your request and she will facilitate your order (for a significant fee). :)

And yes, I do the sketches. I happened to notice when I was done that the time from my post on the forum thread that pissed me off to the time of this hub being posted was 91 minutes. So that gives you an idea. I'm actually sort of developing this combination and look/and/feel; it's been evolving since the Vlad the Inhaler hub to this. Trying to be too "tight" with the drawings took way too long, and people seem to like the quickie ones just as well if not more, so, maybe I'm on to something. I'm glad you enjoyed them, and thanks for saying so.

Beege215e: First and foremost, WELCOME to HP! And, well, sorry about those trolls, but they do pop up wherever there are people on the web, so, so it goes.

As for the leather seats, well, I'll be sure to get your order processed as soon as we get it next year. Maybe you can use it and go troll the trolls. How fun is that?

ryankett 6 years ago

Are those your illustrations? Man, I need to commission you sometime. Would you be up for doing a bit of branding for a website?

sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 6 years ago from Indiana

I love the "one size fits all" design. Me, my kid, and our dogs, can all use this. The cat is cool with the regular bathroom, but the rest of us would love to download while at the computer. The dogs actually download now, and I'm not happy about it. They are tired of me beating them on the head with a newspaper when they get caught up watching Youtube and forget to let me know they need to ... you know.

They are the WORST for improper downloading.

Credit card # 666-666-66oo66. Expiration date 13/6/2090. I'll pay extra for speedy shipping.

Karen Wodke profile image

Karen Wodke 6 years ago from Midwest

I am linking to you in my next article.

Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Ryankett, yes, those are mine. Hit me up in email if you want.

Sueroy333, It's always the dogs isn't it. Those little downloading bastards are always, well, downloading. It's a good thing they are cute or that newspaper would be swapped out for a machete. (Your order is on its way, over night shipped. Cyberwarrior Manufacturing has an absolute policy about free shipping upgrades, so we've only added an additional $86.00 to your total.)

Karen Wodke: sweet! I love when that happens. Uh, well, unless it's an article on: the worst hubs of all time. Then I don't like it so much. BUt then, any publicity is good publicity, so I can take it. :)

Beth100 profile image

Beth100 6 years ago from Canada

Yup, better change my trolling friends. Seems one is quite upset at me for joining in on your thread! And yes, I am being shyted on, er bashed, for that! Off with their heads! (can we go and have some cake now???)

Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Oh how fun! I love trolls. I have found that one of the BEST ways to troll a troll is to speak about the troll as if it were not there. They get so infuriated when you ignore them but are still talking about them. Absolutely a blast if you can find someone to play along who has the discipline to not respond to anything directly. (Where is your troll? We can mess with it).

mysterylady 89 profile image

mysterylady 89 6 years ago from Florida

"Made from solid semi-stainless steel" - love it! Tell me you have also invented a kitty litter box that cleans itself. Then I will get a cat.

A fun hub. I still have not explored the forums. Maybe one of these days...

Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

I wish I had invented that cat box. Although I have seen such a thing (it got very unimpressed reviews, so I didn't buy one). As far as forums go, you just have to go in there knowing that trolls live there and not respond to them. Ignoring a troll is like punching a pully in the face. It can be hard because the effective trolls are really good at saying things that you simply cannot ignore without discipline, and so often, the thin-skinned get sucked into a reply and then, no matter how clever or biting the remark, the troll as still won. They don't care if you "get" them, they just want to pull your strings. Ignoring them is poison and it makes them wrythe in agony.

ryankett 6 years ago

I will do, in the near future. I am over committed right now but I have a project coming up in a few months which could do with somebody like you, cash will be offered of course, speak soon. You should get into the birthday card game by the way, I have a friend who makes a mint from a few of her illustrations!

Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Probably a good idea. When you get around to your project holler, and you can tell me more about it.

tlpoague profile image

tlpoague 6 years ago from USA

I was doing some catching up on my reading and came across your hub. Do you have any automatic cleaners for spewing coffee all over one's keyboard?

I may need to purchase one of these bedpans for some addicts I know.

Great hub! I will have this burned into my brain all day.

(I even had to send it to a few friends!)

Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

No, Cyberwarrior Manufacturing does not currently make any keyboard cleaning products, but your idea will be submitted to our product development team. :)

(Thanks for the comment, and I really appreciate you sending this to others. As a humorist, that means everything!)

Rebecca E. profile image

Rebecca E. 6 years ago from Canada

bravo and bravo this provides a great laugh.. must send it to a few people.

Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Hi Rebecca E. Thanks for reading, laughing and sending along. I love when that happens.

Winsome profile image

Winsome 6 years ago from Southern California by way of Texas

Rats here I am late for the potty humor party. I have it on good authority that LazyBoy has expanded into the bathroom with their two handle toilet--one for the usual feet raising and the other for flush. They do have a troll model without the second handle--too time consuming, and who said trolls don't back up.

I wonder if trolls go by three names like their celebrity-popping counterparts....Lee Harvey Asswald, John Wilkes...oh he already had the right name.

Very funny SB, excuse me I have a couple of handles to pull. =:)

Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

LOLOLOL @ Lee Harvey Asswald. Dude, that's a comic book villian if I ever saw one. And how cool would it be if Lay-Z-Boy really did make crappers. They could call it the Comfort Crapper line. Man. I'd never leave the bathrrom. Get me a big screen in there, some books. No reason to ever get up other than to eat, and only that to keep the cycle cycling if you know what I mean.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Another good one Shades. Those Trolls are a nightmare, and I have experienced a few of them myself. I am now far more disciplined if they comment on my hubs and simply delete the comments as if I never saw them. It is rare for me to respond for sure.

Thanks for the giggles :)

schoolgirlforreal profile image

schoolgirlforreal 6 years ago from USA


I've seen many trolls

yes ..what a great article!

Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Thanks Misty. I know you have had some great "luck" with trolls. Maybe, since they seem to like you so much, you could start selling these bedpans directly, like become an affiliate. You have the customerbase right there. Might as well get something out of it. :)

Hello schoolgirlforreal, nice to see you again. And yes, I imagine you see your fair of trolls too. It's pretty hard to participate at HP with regularity and not get them. Thanks for reading, and thanks for the kind words. :)

mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Great plan, what is the commission structure exactly and do you accept returns?? ;)

schoolgirlforreal profile image

schoolgirlforreal 6 years ago from USA

Hey Shadesbreath :), those pics you drew were pretty amazing too!

Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

No, Misty, no returns. Bleh. lol. Can you imagine?

Thanks, SG4R. :)

mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

LOL, hmmm, I am guessing it wouldn't be pleasant, you certainly couldn't resell the returned product.

Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

We could donate them to charities like ASSHAT (American Society for Saving Habitually Assinine Trolls) or even CRAPT (Citizens Rehabilitating And Preventing Trolls). So, not a total waste. (lol ... waste)

mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Fabulous idea, I can think of a few Trolls I would happily 'donate' these to, one or two here on Hubpages!! Definitely not a total 'waste' LOL (agreed)

vox vocis profile image

vox vocis 5 years ago

I will donate a whole wagon of Cyberwarrior 500 Bedpans to the trolls hanging on religious forums!

Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

Yes, my company could certainly make a fortune selling to that lot alone.

saddlerider1 profile image

saddlerider1 5 years ago

OMG how the hell did I miss this one? George Carlin is peeing his Depends, what the crap were you thinking when the shit hit the fan? I think that every hubber who fits the bill should have one glued to their butt's so we can recognize them and their stench when they decide to crap all over everyone they come into contact with.

I want to buy shares in Cyberworld Mfg and that's no crap. You have a winner here Shades, you will be a multi millionaire before you know it, please let me know when you go public so I can invest my crap with your crapper mfgr. Now I have to go to the bathroom, I just pissed my new colored boxer Depend shorts. I am in style and just think I can piss while I walk and don't have to worry about finding a tree. he he he.

Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

LOL, Saddlerider. Sorry about the new Depends, but hey, there's more in the bag, right? :D And you're right, we should make all the trolls around here glue one on. Heck, we could offer them in flourescent colors so we could see them coming in the dark too!

Motown2Chitown 5 years ago

This is genius. Unquestionable satirical genius. As a brand new hubber, I checked out the forums. Didn't take me long to realize I'd made a mistake. I wish I wrote this well. Do you offer free lessons? :)

Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

Hi Motown2Chitown. Yeah, you're right about the forums. THey can be amusing, but one must enter them with thick skin, low expectations and an eye for finding comedy in our fellow man. As for the writing, thank you for the nice compliment, and, actually, yes, I do help people with their writing if they are genuinely interested.

Motown2Chitown 5 years ago

I'm in agreement. I actually had low expectations and the forums lived down to them quite successfully. :) Actually, I'm genuinely interested. Take a look at what's there now and feel free to comment, publicly or privately, whichever you prefer. If you disagree with some of what you see, I will not be surprised. I write about spiritual things - in general, because I'm interested, but also because my spirituality is a big part of my everyday life, and I'm not very good at writing from an objective perspective. I've never been a gifted fiction writer, but I'm trying my hand at it. Suggestions in that area would be most welcome. Pleasure to meet you, btw.

Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

Nice to meet you too. And don't worry, I can handle spiritual writing. When people ask for help to improve their writing, if I can help them, I will try to improve how they put it down on paper, how they form the arguments they make, the rhetorical choices they use. For fiction, it becomes more a matter of what they write, in the choices they make regarding what to "look" at and what to exclude. PLus, for both, its a matter of diction and tightness etc. I don't mind spiritual writing. I don't claim to have any answers about the universe, so one hypothesis is as good as another for me. A poorly constructed argument is how those things turn from interesting to... well, not interesting. lol.

Motown2Chitown 5 years ago

Not interesting is an...interesting way to say it. I found myself disgusted by the disrespectful tone taken by almost everyone who participated. What is this "thick skin" of which you speak? It seems that no one has that in there. It becomes a matter of who can insult whom more eloquently, and who can make themselves appear intellectually superior without actually making a single, logical statement. Anyway, thanks again for the offer to help with the writing. I'll take you up on it with a very grateful heart!

Greg Sage profile image

Greg Sage 5 years ago from Orlando, Florida

I'm holding out for one that cooks Hot Pockets and dispenses Red Bull.

JamaGenee profile image

JamaGenee 5 years ago from Central Oklahoma

So when is the manufacturer coming out with a device we non-trolls can buy to make trolls automatically disappear? This shouldn't detract from the market for the Cyberwarrior 500 since, as was pointed out earlier, there's a troll born every minute, meaning a never-ending supply of new CW 500 customers. Well, at least until the Rapture or Michele Bachmann becomes prez, then most of the trolls will be gone into the Great Hereafter or no longer have a reason to piss people off. ;D

Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

Well, Greg, there is an app for that. :D (How gross would that be? Sitting there, you know, and cooking and drinking. Bleh. lol. What a lively image.

JamaGenee, actually that product exists and you have already installed it, yet have not sent in your payment of $200. If you look up on your browser you will see a "Back" button arrow. That is the "Cyberwarrior XR48 Troll Disengagement Button," a really cutting edge advancement in troll dissapearance technology. Apparently you were not trained on it when it was installed. But, just click it whenever you see a troll and, POOF, gone. Please remit your payment ASAP so we don't have to repossess your XR48.

Greg Sage profile image

Greg Sage 5 years ago from Orlando, Florida

Shadesbreath, I am deeply troubled by this product. Much like the atom bomb, it is one of those things you just can't see how it could be used for evil until it's too late.

A number of readers have reported serious problems, and some diligent research has traced the issue back to use of your fine product.

I have outlined their difficulties and linked to your advertisement here:

Please, kind sir. I know you have to make a buck, and I respect your engineering prowess, but the sheer success of your product line may be causing problems that we as a society just cannot fix.

Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

Heh heh, yes, Greg, I can see how there is some danger of that, but one must not live in fear. Sure there will be abuses, but, if you trust in the overall goodness of human nature, you will be fine. If that strategy seems too stupid to contemplate, then just call your favorite lap giraffe over, pet him while you enjoy the stainless steel comfort of your very own.. in fact, I can see you sitting in a room full of monkeys and lap giraffes, a veritable production line of trolling output... doing unto to others as they would do unto you. It's all about learning to roll with it. Fighting is too hard.

Greg Sage profile image

Greg Sage 5 years ago from Orlando, Florida

hmm... I always thought it was "Do unto others BEFORE they do unto you."

Regardless, your description is uncanny. Yes. I have outfitted the entire office. Obviously you have planted a mole in my operation in order to paint such an accurate picture.

My only feature request is that I find the pan a bit shallow for my enormous brass balls... well, that and the semi-stainless bit.

biblicaliving profile image

biblicaliving 5 years ago from U.S.A.

Somehow I should have known it was going to deteriorate into a quandary of petite lap giraffes and helper monkeys.. I knew it, I just knew it....................

Greg Sage profile image

Greg Sage 5 years ago from Orlando, Florida

I considered several other models for the office, but in the end, it was the "aerodynamic design" that was the clincher.

Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

Bibilicaliving, some things in life are just monstrously predictable, aren't they? And yet, somehow, there is something to be said for familiar landscapes and stable terrain. :D

And I'm with you Greg. It's impossible to over estimate the value of aerodynamics when making a bedpan purchase.

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