The Door to Nowhere: My Story (Part 2)

Starting from just before we left off.

I feel like I'm just an actor in a movie. A nowhere man in a nowhere land, portraying my part in a script that has been written for make believe but the real me, as long as I'm playing my part in a nowhere movie, he doesn't exist. I just want to be me, I can't stand living in nowhere land anymore! I'm going nowhere! Nowhere! Nowhere, I tell you no o o whe e e re! I weep.

A knock comes on the door....

My skin is crawling...who is that? The doctor never knocks....

I can't stand this anymore! I scream sighingly,

"Go away, leave me alone! Why do you knock on "the door to no o o wher r re?"

Then, from the other side of the door, I hear a familiar voice say.

"Luke, Luke, I am your father..."

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaa!"

"Luke, Luke, I am your father..." There it is again, "Father? Dad is that you?"

And again I hear it over the speaker,

"Luke, Luke, I am your doctor..."

I think, "What? My doctor?"

"Luke, It's Doctor Malefic, Are you OK? Are you ready to see me? I'm going to come in now."

The door opens and the doctor enters my padded room. "Why did you scream like that Luke? Haven't they given you your medicine? Are you OK?"

I am weeping, memories of my father are again running through my head like it was yesterday, I thought it was him at the door, Lies said I'd have a visitor, he lies but did I hear a knock, I heard my father's voice, didn't I?. But the doctor, was it really him? Did I imagine him to be my father? Am I in hell, oh what I'd give to be nowhere right now.

The Doctor looks around the room at the floor, he picks up a small capsule and looking at Luke exclaims, Luke you haven't taken your medicine, take this pill and this stress you are in will subside, trust me Luke, take the pill." Promises has entered the room with a glass of water, "Here, here is some water Luke, take it" as he apologizes to the doctor for me not swallowing the pill the first time. The doctor makes sure I've swallowed the pill and then says, "Luke, you rest here for a while and I'll be back later so we can talk." Feeling exhausted all I can do is shake my head yes as I lay quietly on the padded floor while they leave the room. Feeling sleepy now I close my eyes and rest.

Time passes as I fade in and out of stupor, could be minutes or hours or days, I have no idea but right now, right now, I know for sure, I have to go to the bathroom. These padded rooms have nothing in them at all but a padded door with no knob. They keep it locked, I guess so I don't smash my head on the sink or try to water board myself. I just say "bathroom" out loud (the room is monitored for sound) and Promises and Lies come into my padded room. Lies taunts me saying, "I see you need to open 'the door to nowhere', ha, ha, ha, watch closely Luke, observe 'the door to nowhere' opens!" and by his remote the bathroom door swings open. They watch me as I relieve myself.

Sitting on the toilet I'm thinking, ah relief, this is the only time I actually feel relief anymore. When I'm "somewhere" life for me is just a constant irritation with no relief, like static over the radio that just gets louder and louder until I break and can stand it no more. When I'm nowhere, once I pass through that door to nowhere, life for me is like a big bowl of plain old tasteless yogurt, no sweetness, no flavor no taste but it is supposed to be good for you, and I'm in the middle of it, drowning.

Why am I caught in these two worlds? Am I so different from everyone else? Why do I need medication to be like them. Why can't I be me without them? Am I out of touch with reality or is reality out of touch with me. I ponder this every day of my life whether I'm somewhere or nowhere but an answer is not within my reasoning ability. Could it be that the real problem is they need medication to be like me?

Promises says, "Hey, you done yet or you gonna sit on there all day?" Lies says "We should have brought him a newspaper for while he is on his throne!" They both laugh as I finish up and they once again leave me alone in my padded room. Odd, when Lies said "We should have brought him a newspaper for while he is on his throne!" I felt the warmth of my father's love in my heart and my body tingled in anticipation of hearing his voice. It brought to my mind a childhood memory I had long forgotten.

Dad would always read the newspaper while he sat on his throne, in the bathroom. Sometimes he'd be in there for what seemed like hours to me who was busy waiting outside the door to use the bathroom. In those days we only had one in the house. Invariably he'd hear me passing in the hallway, checking to see if he was done and then he'd call to me, "Luke, is that you?"

"Yeah Dad, I need to go."

"Come on in here a minute."

The bathroom was tiny. Entering it Dad was on the toilet attached to the windowed wall behind him and facing the door. The space of the toilet against that wall was flanked by two walls marking the whole width of the bathroom save the tub which was in a space to the right. He'd say sit down and I'd sit in front of his throne to his left on the edge of the tub. He'd be smoking a cigarette as he read the newspaper, tapping the ashes into the sink which extended toward me right in front of "his throne" (mom always complained his ashes stained the sink but that didn't stop him).

And we'd talk.

He'd ask me about the things other family would discuss at the dinner table, turning the pages of his newspaper and tapping the ashes of his cigarette into the sink in between talking with me. This is where I learned all about life, about right and wrong, about current events, about the birds and the bees, and not to smoke! Besides fly fishing, the bathroom brings back fond memories of my father and his unique love for me. I'm becoming more lucid now when the thought pops into my head "Could this be why my life is in the toilet?"

All of a sudden I clearly hear the doctor over the speaker, "Luke, It's Doctor Malefic, I want to talk with you now." The door opens and the Doctor enters: "Luke, How are you feeling now? Stand up and let me examine you."

"Better Doc, the padded room floor is actually very comfortable, makes me feel secure. At home I often fall off my bed at night when I have these recurring nightmares." He's examining me as I speak me, checking my ears, mouth and eyes, listening to my heart, testing my reflexes, "Nightmares? You never mentioned that before, when did you start having recurring nightmares?" he asks as he finishes examining me. "Just recently, since the last time I saw you." Looking more intense he asks me, "Luke, if you feel up to it I'd like you to come into my office and talk with me about this so I can take notes there. Are you feeling in control?"

I'm thinking, In control? He means under his control, but I do feel better, so I acquiesce. Promises and lies escort me down the hall to the Doctor's office. I lay down on the couch in his office as he begins, "Now Luke, let's start with what you remember about your recurring dream. What details can you recall?"

"Dreams doctor, I have more than one. They most often begin with a gorilla. Usually I'm in an arena just like the coliseum in Rome with pillars all around it, and huge hallways leading away from the arena out from between the pillars. The ground is dirt, the seating is non existent but there are geometrically shaped rocks staggered around the rising sides of the arena but no walls.Behind each rock is a childhood friend of mine. In the middle is a towering rock with cracks and crevices shaped like a miniature mountain peak. On the top of this rock sits a huge hairy gorilla and as I am watching from behind one of the rocks to the side..." buzz, buzz, buzz

The doctor's cell phone is buzzing on silent mode. He excuses himself as he says he has to take this call and then after a couple yeses and "I'll be right there," he says, "Luke I have a situation that needs my immediate attention, please excuse me for a moment while Promises keeps you company here in my office. I won't be long."

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21 comments

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 22 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

My guess is.........the rest of the world needs the medication to be like you.

Padded rooms aren't so bad, are they? They are soft & comfy and give a sense of security. I believe they were created so that the patient doesn't harm himself, but I don't agree with this.

I think we feel safe in padded rooms so that the world cannot hurt us any more. We did not earn the room by anything we did to ourselves.

In fact the reality is that the room is an illusion, created by our imagination to keep us from the cruel and cold outside world.

Promises and lies dragged you there and now guard the door. Once you finally defeat them, you'll free yourself and they will be mere memories.

Very interesting and deep fiction, Tsad............UP+++


Jodah profile image

Jodah 22 months ago from Queensland Australia

An interesting continuation of your story Tsadjatko. Looking forward to part three.


tsadjatko profile image

tsadjatko 22 months ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door Author

You two are so nice, however I am observant enough to see that I've gone from "a creative pleasure to read" to "Very interesting and deep". What's next, "It's not you it's me?" Paula! (just kidding, you said I'm funny)

And Jodah, from "a well written story and an interesting response" to just "interesting continuation"

Maybe it's not getting worse but definitely not getting better. Well we'll have to see if chapter three is just treading water too...I have no idea, yet, but really do appreciate your input, I mean whoever is writing this does. That could be me but I'm not totally convinced yet that it is.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 22 months ago from Queensland Australia

Sorry if my comment seemed that way Tsad. Often on my hubs that are a series or chapters that involve more than one hub, some readers only leave a comment on the first and last part and none in between. Sometimes it is difficult to find anything original to say in comments even though you are enjoying the read, and it seems best just to leave one comment on the whole work. Anyway that's my excuse.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 22 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Ahhhh tsad......You are observant, no doubt. Or perhaps analytical & literal with a need to control & probe into intentions that are not yours. Hmm? Ever consider that? You focus on words with your eyes and your mind....which is necessary, but you leave your heart in chains.

You're nestled in your padded room. What more protection & defense do you need?

Writers are their soul, mind and HEART. Their words are gifts to the reader. The hope is that they are accepted as such. You have a right to critique your work....as your readers do as well. Welcome this and accept it. Remember, Promises and Lies are busy guarding the door, they pay no attention to hearts. It's our job to take care of our heart and the hearts of others.....just smile.


tsadjatko profile image

tsadjatko 22 months ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door Author

You guys, I agree with you both, I'm just trying to be in "character" here, being a curmudgeon, that is, and inspiring ire (I like that word). Don't take me seriously.

It was really a stretch to try to make your praise look as if it is waning Jodah, and you never ever need to say sorry to me, I don't even know what I'm writing half the time until I've written it. And Paula's, well it was so high it could only come down no matter what was in my written word. Paula, as usual, has me pegged though and confirms that I accomplished what I meant to do, that is to stay in "character" (thank you fitness Jim ;-) yes, yes I am obsessing but that is funnier than listening to my hyperbole, trust me.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 22 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Tsad.....Thank you so much for simplifying matters. You are a true friend. You can relax, honey. There is no need whatsoever for you to try so hard to be a curmudgeon and inspire ire. Just be yourself and you're all set. How many times must I repeat myself?

We really do love you, so stop fighting it. Protest all you want, you're simply irresistible (notice your favorite word "ire" somewhat appears in irresistible?) YOU are a natural!!..........:)


tsadjatko profile image

tsadjatko 22 months ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door Author

Cool, but Paula,wwwweeelllllll, for all those I know are out there and are just too intimidated to say it (or would never be caught dead reading one of my Hub Pages), I'll say it for them "speak for yourself!" lol

That's them, not me, saying it cause,

I like your take. :-)


Jodah profile image

Jodah 22 months ago from Queensland Australia

Now now Paula, don't go to far...he's not comfortable with too much praise and love... ;)


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 22 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

OK...So, let me see if I understand you. The message here is that YOU are "speaking for THEM," by claiming that THEY are suggesting to me to "speak for yourself."..??? Did I get that right? Just askin.

I don't understand some people. Why would anyone pass up the opportunity to acquire endless wealth & fame by being caught reading while dead? I'd like to be the first, wouldn't you?


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 22 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

OH! Jodah......was I supposed to be making our buddy tsad comfortable? Oops! He's got his padded room. That should be comfortable enough.

Besides...I think he's beginning to see the light of his own heart.

Don't stop me now!! LOL


tsadjatko profile image

tsadjatko 22 months ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door Author

Jodah, not that I'm not comfortable with it, I'm not comfortable with anything for long...Paula had it right, I overanalyze, but I'll take that any day over under analyzing (I'm not speaking of you guys).

Paula, are you sure you want to go down this road? :-) To be caught reading while dead implies you are more than just flesh and blood but continue to exist after death, in some form, so as to be able to read after death. Those I refer to who would not be caught dead reading can't be caught dead because they don't believe in life (of any kind) after death, so what I said was literally true, they wouldn't be caught dead reading my hub pages. Whew, did I say that?


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 22 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

I am willing to go down any road that can show me peace of mind, something real to embrace with joy and a world to come that I can understand.

I do believe there is "some form" of life after existence on this earth. Nothing and No one thus far has been capable of explaining and/or describing that life to any degree of credibility. So again, therefore although I may "believe" this. I do not know. Nor does any human. IT is ALL faith-based.

I don't want to go OFF the road at this time however, so maybe this discussion is for another hub another time....Amen?


tsadjatko profile image

tsadjatko 22 months ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door Author

And Amen!


FitnezzJim profile image

FitnezzJim 22 months ago from Fredericksburg, Virginia

Ok, funny. The door to no-where leads to a padded room. The only other not so obvious exit is the door to bathroom. The scene invites a song beginning with the lyric 'No-where Man, please listen' and ending with a bridge to no-where. Don't mind me, I said nothing.


tsadjatko profile image

tsadjatko 22 months ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door Author

Nothing? I like it man, you saw it in a way I didn't imagine! That is really... Cool. Now maybe I can get somewhere, over the rainbow, into chapter three. Thanks Jim for your input.


Besarien profile image

Besarien 9 months ago

This is a very intriguing continuation. I think you have me hooked!


tsadjatko profile image

tsadjatko 9 months ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door Author

Well that's a first! Virtually no one has been reading these.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 9 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Oh, I see....Did you see this Jodah & Jim? Tsad just said that we are, No one." Hope his padding is wearing thin!


tsadjatko profile image

tsadjatko 9 months ago from maybe (the guy or girl) next door Author

I said no one has been reading them, that means since the last ones which are, wait let me count 3 people, how long ago? Umm let me see 12 months? Yeah, last time I looked that was a year! The planet has gone completely around the sun without one person reading my story!

Yes, I'd say virtually no one has been reading these. My gosh Paula, a day doesn't go by that you aren't answering comments on your hubpages which undoubtedly already have umteen million comments adorning your writing abilities.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 9 months ago from Queensland Australia

He referred to us as "virtual no ones"..that's not such a bad title Paula. At least there are about three of us. Oh and there is always that movie producer. I am sure he is worth 1000 other readers. Well done Tsad, if Besarien is hooked it must be good.

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