The Fart Spotters Guide

As my Mum was having a bit of a tidy up and a clear out the other day, she came across a small green card with this "Fart Spotter's Guide" printed on it. She must have had it buried in her paperwork for years. Finding it somewhat amusing I borrowed the card so that I could share this list with all of you.

Which category do you fall into???

The Fart Spotter's Guide

1) Shy Person.

One who releases silent farts then blushes.

***

2) Impudent Person.

One who farts loud and then laughs.

***

3) Nervous Person.

One who stops in the middle of a fart.

***

4) Honest Person.

One who admits he's farted but offers good medical reasons.

***

5) Dishonest Person.

One who farts and blames his dog.

***

6) Foolish Person.

One who suppresses a fart for hours.

***

7) Thrifty Person.

One who always has farts in reserve.

***

8) Anti-social Person.

One who excuses himself and farts in private.

***

9) Strategic Person.

One who conceals his farts by loud laughing.

***

10) Athletic Person.

One who farts at the slightest exertion.

***

11) Intellectual Person.

One who can determine the smell of his neighbour's farts.

***

12) Sadistic Person.

One who farts and then fluffs the covers over his bed mate.

***

13) Sensitive Person.

One who farts and then starts crying.

***

14) Aquatic Person.

One who farts in the bath and bursts the bubbles with his toes.

***

15) Musical Person.

One who farts in ascending fourths and hears in perfect pitch.

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Comments 27 comments

rockinjoe profile image

rockinjoe 7 years ago from Standing right behind you!

Farting? That must be a English thing. Never heard of it.


Neil Sperling profile image

Neil Sperling 7 years ago from Port Dover Ontario Canada

LOL -- what a hoot! Thanks for the chuckle


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

I so hope you are winding me up Joe :)

Thanks Neil, glad you liked it and it made you laugh. :)


yxhuang profile image

yxhuang 7 years ago from California

Hey rockinjoe. There is a Chinese slang: "One who farts by taking out his pants." (In Chinese read as "tuo ku zi fang pi", [fang pi] means farts or "farting".) And I found that there is an English idiom similar to this, means: "Bring owls to Athens".


goldentoad profile image

goldentoad 7 years ago from Free and running....

I definitely a number 8. Sometimes a number 5.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

LOL yxhuang, thanks for commenting.

Hi GT, great to see you here so long as you keep your bum cheeks firmly clenched together :)


goldentoad profile image

goldentoad 7 years ago from Free and running....

squeezing diamonds


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Ickky, never heard it called that before :)


roger renwick 7 years ago

hi misty, that was great, what i like to do is pass a bad one in walmart in a asle that no one is in, leave and come back through when they are there and say "Oh My God" what is that smell, it kill them and is so funny listening to them say no, no i did not do it.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

My Husband used to do that kind of thing too Roger LOL :)


ajcor profile image

ajcor 7 years ago from NSW. Australia

my sons say "those who smelt it, dealt it!" good one...cheers


trish1048 profile image

trish1048 7 years ago

I've been in the company of the impudent ones and the dishonest ones, ewwww!

Loved the kitty! LOL  Another fun read, thanks!


needful things profile image

needful things 7 years ago from Poland

Aquatic... hahahahahahahaha!!!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks Ajcor, golly that brings back memories. As kids we used to say "those who smelt it surely dealt it, Those who denied it surely supplied it".

Hi Trish, glad you loved the kitty and the read :)

Hi again Needful Things, (just seen your comment on my other new hub about Dirty Jokes). Glad you liked the Aquatic one, I loved the picture too. Thanks for commenting here too.


ajcor profile image

ajcor 7 years ago from NSW. Australia

i have never heard that bit Misty - Those who denied it surely supplied it". must tell them!


C. C. Riter 7 years ago

there is another that goes with that list, the Stingy person: they pinch their farts and have to belch to save their asshole

I had a card similar to that years ago. I think wee one tossed it out.

Thanz dear


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

LOL Ajcor, I am sure they will like the additional part of the rhyme :)

Hi C. C. Riter, Love that one too, must make mental note of it for future use :)


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 7 years ago from Hell, MI

I didn't see one for a person who farts into a jar, and mails it to a friend. Not that I have ever done that. Ok, maybe I did, but it was just the one time. I swear!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Yuk, but what a great idea. I should add this to my "How to Get Revenge Hub" :)


Melissa G profile image

Melissa G 7 years ago from Tempe, AZ

Funny stuff, Misty!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Thanks Melissa :)


Madison Parker profile image

Madison Parker 7 years ago from California

He, he, he, I once had the cutest cat who had the worst case of gas..from the time that she was a kitten, I'd put her on my lap, pet her, she'd purr loudly and then begin to fluff...(nice word for fart)

We loved that silly cat, but til the day she died, we never knew why she had this problem!

Madison


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

LOL, Are you sure it was the cat and not the rest of your family simply blaming the cat for their own "fluffs" ???


The Old Firm profile image

The Old Firm 7 years ago from Waikato/Bay Of Plenty, New Zealand

Hi Misty,

1) Am I to believe that you're about to embark on a South Seas voyage?

2) Is it wind powered?

3) When the wind doesn't blow and the ship doesn't go are they relying on Cindy the windy to power it?

Better take plenty of cabbage and baked beans, (or Gwendymom's soup)

Cheers,  TOF


needful things profile image

needful things 7 years ago from Poland

See what you've done... I just farted from laughing to much...


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands) Author

Hi TOF,

LOL, Yes i am about to go on a vogage (12th Feb).

No it is not wind powered but a lovely warm cruise ship.

Wind not blowing won't therefore be an issue.

Definitely don't intend to pack baked beans or cabbage.

:) :) :)

Needful things, you need to learn to suck your bum cheeks together HARD :)


LogicalSpark profile image

LogicalSpark 7 years ago from India

To tactfully fart,

Is , indeed an Art.

Uninitiated can now take heart

And with gusto, (just) start !

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