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The Ghost of William Hurt

Updated on May 1, 2012
Grave-digger
Grave-digger | Source
The grave and headstone of Doctor John Conolly MD DCL, (May 27, 1794 - March 5, 1866), English physician.
The grave and headstone of Doctor John Conolly MD DCL, (May 27, 1794 - March 5, 1866), English physician. | Source

Allow me to be Forthright...

The title is misleading. For one thing, there is a pretty good chance that William Hurt is alive...thus negating the need for any ghost.

Randomly killing famous people off in casual conversations, based on innuendo and rumor, is something I do.

The dialogue typically develops thusly...

“I want to watch, Children of a Lesser God,” Says my roommate, Erika, who is studying and passionate about learning American Sign Language.

“I think William Hurt is dead.” I declare.

I needlessly elaborate on the answer to the question that was neither pondered nor verbalized.

“Weird train accident in Cleveland I think.”

I have come to find that most people will not question you on these types of arbitrary pronouncements.

Celebrities, prone to dying in threes, are always filling up the obituary columns.

Obviously, you need to prepare your ground.

Popping off with a Johnny Depp ‘death story’ will have your compatriots viewing you like you’re a nut.

It’s best to go with the older guys...but not too old...otherwise you risk losing your shock value.

As an example...

“I heard George Burns died.” I float the trial-balloon. The lackluster response suggests that I did not use enough helium.

As actors go...I don’t care for William Hurt.

That, and the above referenced, Children of a Lesser God conversation is what led to my verbal signing of his death certificate.

I am, however, being unfair to William Hurt.

I’m simply frustrated by the lack of any viable writing ideas and this opening sequence merely represents a stream of consciousness attempt to generate story ideas...


Hulkamania Tour @ Rod Laver Arena. Melbounre, AUS.
Hulkamania Tour @ Rod Laver Arena. Melbounre, AUS. | Source
3D Caffeine Molecul
3D Caffeine Molecul | Source
sammy the striped dog that I crocheted shows how he spent his summer. another of my digital collages: a little photoshop, powerpoint and illustrator combination. pattihaskins.wordpress.com/2007/08/30/lazy-day/
sammy the striped dog that I crocheted shows how he spent his summer. another of my digital collages: a little photoshop, powerpoint and illustrator combination. pattihaskins.wordpress.com/2007/08/30/lazy-day/ | Source

The Reality of Contests...

Non-stop, caffeine fueled writing, has been my existence since the announcement of the Hubpages.com Patron of the Arts contest back in early October.

In terms of ideas, I was scraping the bottom of the samovar and in terms of ‘output’...my pee was colored a dark orange.

Caffeine dehydration according to the Google-search Gods...

With nine days remaining for submissions to the contest...I really wasn’t sure I had another coin to toss into the well...

I was chasing the big story now. I feared, however, it might prove a chimera not, unlike, the long lost dreams of childhood.

Theoretically, it had all the elements of a good Hub.

Intrigue, suspense, implausible plot progressions, cartoon characters, and, hopefully, sex. My search for truth and (dare we a dream, a Pulitzer) would probably send me overseas.

Details needed attending, prior to departure.

I need to get shots for myself and my traveling companion, Creative Voice.

I’m also looking for one of those 220-volt adaptor things for Internal CD player.

Most importantly...I needed to consult with a titan. A legend in the field of Investigative journalism...

I’m lazy and once an idea materializes...I will be off writing and, in all likelihood, will not return to delete these random thought provoking scribbles.

I will make it up to Mr. William Hurt. By the time I conclude...that which is to come...I shall try and find one nice thing to say about the man. It won’t be easy...as actors go...I don’t care for William Hurt.

If I have to lug around the dead weight (that is) the acting career of William Hurt...I might as well make it worth my efforts...

I decide to give him a chance, thus, providing myself with a credible cover as an International Film Critic.

With a nine day deadline looming, there is no way I can do the research I would have preferred to do (you know...watch ALL the movies I am reviewing) but that is the nature of deadlines...they remove the wheat from the chaff...


Photo of KGB agent Robert Hanssen who started working for the FBI and then defected to the KGB while pretending to work for the FBI. A depiction of this photo takes place in the film "Breach".
Photo of KGB agent Robert Hanssen who started working for the FBI and then defected to the KGB while pretending to work for the FBI. A depiction of this photo takes place in the film "Breach". | Source
Robert Philip Hanssen; former FBI agent convicted of espionage
Robert Philip Hanssen; former FBI agent convicted of espionage | Source
Former Hubber...Misha...
Former Hubber...Misha... | Source

Master Spy: The Robert Hanson Story...

I had first tumbled to the story a month or two back.

I had been napping in a Forum thread that exploded into activity when three men came in and began talking about a frowned upon practice...the (illegal?) purchasing of back links.

A Russian connection was established when one of the men casually let loose with a name...Misha.

My preliminary research indicated that such a Hubber once existed and the data I, subsequently found, vouchsafed for the men’s words...

In a furtive voice, the first had asked, “If I am not mistaken, wasn’t there a Hubber named Misha who bought back-links or something? Did he have success?”

“Misha was one of the most successful Hubbers at one time, and was a master of gaming the system. Confirmed his companion.

“If I recall...he had around twenty hubs and once showed a screen shot of $3,000 Adsense earnings in one month!”

I was fully awake by this time and paying attention.

I didn’t know what back-links were...but I did have a passing awareness of the concept of $3,000.

I had also heard of Russia...

The first man questions, “What happen to him?”

The third man joins the conversation and explains, “Misha left after a falling out with Hubpages staff. He felt that he’d been forced out, although the HP staff will probably have their own take on this.”

“Right, right, right...” Says the second man. “Misha was charming and intelligent, but I can’t say that I would appreciate some of his hubs if I encountered them from an ordinary internet user’s perspective.”

The men continued their musings as they moved off. I sat there. My head was buzzing. I had a hang-over...

I mentally filed the information away and there it sat...until now...

The Russian connection and the, heretofore, unexplored William Hurt angle gave me an idea.

I looked at the film credits of the (largely) discredited actor and found what I was looking for...

I filed my first story designed to maintain my cover as an International Film Critic...

The 2002 made-for-television movie, “Master Spy: The Robert Hanssen Story,” sucked. So did William Hurt’s performance of the title character. It is reported that when the ‘real’ Robert Hanssen was allowed to watch the movie in prison... he turned it off in disgust. When a convicted traitorous slime ball thinks you suck? Enough said...

With that task done, I finalized my plans to meet with my journalistic mentor and benefactor...Kenneth Avery.

I needed to grab my overnight bag and get to the airport for the flight to Alabama. Kenneth and I were going to have a final brain storming session before I hit the ground in Moscow...


Elephanta tourists
Elephanta tourists | Source
Noted Journalistic Legend...Kenneth Avery...
Noted Journalistic Legend...Kenneth Avery... | Source
Gulf Coast Box Turtle (Terrapene carolina major), male
Gulf Coast Box Turtle (Terrapene carolina major), male | Source

The Accidental Tourist...

The Eskimos on the flight should have alerted me to my mistake. I don’t believe a lot of Eskimos go to Alabama. This plane was full of them.

F**k. Kenneth’s going to think I’m a flake...

We were ‘wheels-up’ before I caught the error. I was going to Alaska.

Close alphabetically, but as far from Alabama as I could hope to imagine geographically.

F**k. Kenneth’s going to think I’m a flake. I’ll call him from a pay phone when I land in Anchorage.

I began drinking...coffee...

I thought back to the last time we had met...

It was a few weeks back when I first approached the venerable journalistic institution with my unlikely proposal.

I explained my concerns, questions, and suspicions regarding the ex-Hubber Misha and the illegal trade in back-links. I also went on, at great length, about my loathing for the actor William Hurt.

Kenneth hadn’t heard of Misha but, otherwise, bought into my illogical plot progression. The professional newspaperman in him chastises me for a weak time-line...

“Hell kid,” Kenneth complains, “You are all over the board on your timing! In the first page you don’t even have a story and then three paragraphs later you have this whole Misha thing going on?! He pulls out his red editor’s pencil...

”And this conversation we are having now...is this happening before the meeting in the Forum Thread?” He shakes his head disapprovingly before continuing...

“Also...what’s going on between you and William Hurt? I can set you up as an accredited Film Critic and you can use that as cover but...really...has journalistic objectivity ever been a character in one of your stories?”

I hang my head.

I have the utmost respect for Kenneth and value his opinion. He’s like the wise turtle in Kung Fu Panda.

I begin to ponder that possibility before being interrupted by Kenneth...

“And if you try turning me into a cartoon character...I am going to kick your ass!”

I doubted him not and immediately shelved my turtle thoughts. For now.

My attention was drawn by the beginning of the in-flight movie...

It was the 1988 American drama film, staring William Hurt...The Accidental Tourist...

I quickly got up and collected as many of the in-flight barf bags as I could get my hands on. I was unsure that the eleven I found would be up to the task as the opening credits finished rolling...

The subsequent review was not flattering...


C46 airplane crash near Siuna to Rosita road, (according to tail code this photo should date from around 05 April 1960 the aircraft being a LANICA Curtiss C-46A-40-CU that crashed in Siuna, Nicaragua.)
C46 airplane crash near Siuna to Rosita road, (according to tail code this photo should date from around 05 April 1960 the aircraft being a LANICA Curtiss C-46A-40-CU that crashed in Siuna, Nicaragua.) | Source
Die indischen Eskimos. Titelbild des Heftromans.
Die indischen Eskimos. Titelbild des Heftromans. | Source
Bernard Madoff's mugshot
Bernard Madoff's mugshot | Source
Todd Palin at the announcement of Sarah Palin as the VP candidate
Todd Palin at the announcement of Sarah Palin as the VP candidate | Source
Snowmobile sign (Sweden)
Snowmobile sign (Sweden) | Source

The Big Chill...

An ensuing NTBA investigation would later reveal that dark corrosive urine had eaten through the rubber bladder designed, to contain such human waste, and bled into the plane’s fuel lines.

Further testing would reveal that the urine was dark orange in color and predominately comprised of caffeine molecules. These results wouldn’t emerge for weeks...

All I know is that me and the Eskimos nosedived when the plane started to lose altitude as we were on approach to Anchorage.

We were forced to land early. In Wasilla, Alaska.

S**t. Sarah Palin doesn’t like me and she can be a vindictive bitch...

Still...I didn’t like Sarah Palin and I had a bone to pick with her.

Wasilla is a small town and an out-sized personality, such as, former (half-term) Governor Sarah Palin should be easy to find. She wasn’t. I went to her house...

As I was walking over there, I mentally cussed out the 2008 Republican nominee, John McCain, for unleashing these Alaskan Appalachian hillbillies on the American public.

Recent disclosures that former (half-term) Governor Sarah Palin had declined to throw her hat into the 2012 Election only confirmed my suspicions...her only interest is in filling the Palin financial coffers.

That however, was not the bone I had to pick with Sarah Palin...

As a lifelong student, reader, and teacher of history...I was appalled when she announced she was conducting a “One Nation Bus Tour” to educate the American people about their history...

I couldn’t help but mentally compare the impending outcome to asking Bernie Madoff about ethical lending practices.

Her first stop confirmed my fears when she proceeded to assign Paul Revere duties and responsibilities that fell (to be polite) simply outside the conceivable realm of historical discovery.

To (not be polite)...that f**king loon, former (half-term) Governor Sarah Palin, is out of her mind and knows very little about American history.

This is what I intended to tell former (half-term) Governor Palin. I also planned on informing her that she should read a history book, or two, prior to opening her pie-hole...

I was on her porch and peeking into her living room windows.

The house was teeming with the illegitimate offspring of Bristol Palin. So this is what pronouncements of abstinence and no education leads to?

You Betcha!

I heard a window open up on the second floor. I stepped off the porch and looked up...Todd Palin.

“GET OFF MY PROPERTY, SANDWICHES!” He screams down at me.

Early on in my writing career I had written an unflattering piece about the former (half-term) governor in which I compared her to a white plastic bag of car meat.

The Palins never forgave me.

I was told that they had superimposed a sniper-scope image on my Hubpages profile page...

“Hey Todd,” I called up cheerfully. “Is the little psycho at home?”

He stopped to consider which of the women in his life I was referencing. I helped him...

“Former (half-term) Governor Palin? Is she here?” I call up...

“BY GOD, SANDWICHES IF YOU DON’T GET OFF MY PROPERTY I WILL RUN YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU WITH MY SNOWMOBILE!!”

I began reasoning with the emasculated, former, First (half-term) Husband. Calling him emasculated didn’t improve his mood. He left the window to find his snowmobile keys...


Spider woman
Spider woman | Source
The Tree of LIBERTY, – with, the Devil tempting John Bull: A caricature by James Gillray, showing Charles James Fox as Satan, tempting John Bull with the rotten fruit of the opposition tree of Liberty. John's pockets are already full with the golden
The Tree of LIBERTY, – with, the Devil tempting John Bull: A caricature by James Gillray, showing Charles James Fox as Satan, tempting John Bull with the rotten fruit of the opposition tree of Liberty. John's pockets are already full with the golden | Source
Statue of Paul Revere by Cyrus E. Dallin, in the Paul Revere Mall, North End, Boston, Massachusetts. Photograph taken by Daderot , September 2005.
Statue of Paul Revere by Cyrus E. Dallin, in the Paul Revere Mall, North End, Boston, Massachusetts. Photograph taken by Daderot , September 2005. | Source

Kiss of the Spider Woman...

At that moment the front door flew open and former (half-term) Governor Sarah Palin stood there wrapped in righteous indignation and holding a large hand gun...

She starts shooting...

It’s true...she does not believe in gun control.

Every time she pulled the trigger of the .44 caliber cannon...her arm would traverse a 360-degree circuit while spastically firing rounds into the sky, dirt, and porch railing...

Democratic office holders and, that most rare of endangered species, the moderate Republican...dive for cover. I hide behind a tree. In my mind...it's the Tree of Liberty.

Behind the house I heard the snowmobile engine start...cough...and die... Todd cussing...

Sarah stops to reload. Bristol Palin runs onto the porch with a butcher knife...

Her attempts to help her parents were forestalled by having to stop and give birth to, yet another, illegitimate child...

As I pondered my next move, I looked up and noticed that former (half-term) Governor Sarah Palin had been right about one thing...

I can see Russia from her house!

That’s where I need to be...

The snowmobile starts with a roar. I peek around the Tree of Liberty.

Sarah had dropped her bullets and was busy trying to round them up, so as, to begin shooting at me again...

Bristol was lying on the porch...in a puddle of amniotic fluid...crowning...

The snowmobile revs...

Suddenly...I hear the sound of a horse neighing as the garage door begins to open...

As soon as there was clearance...Paul Revere emerges from the structure while sitting astride his horse.

The horse rears...mighty hooves clawing at the air...

“THE ABORTIONISTS ARE COMING! THE ABORTIONISTS ARE COMING!” Revere cried out before spying me crouched behind the Tree of Liberty.

He reins his steed in my direction...

I briefly considered the horrors against history that were occurring in that garage.

These musings were cut short as the 18th-century silversmith came abreast of me, reached down, and pulled me up onto the back of his horse...

“Where do you need to be?” Paul calls over his shoulder as his horse jumps the Palin’s white picket fence.

I point to Russia...

As we clattered across the tundra...I mentally composed my review for The Big Chill...

The 1983 American comedy-drama, The Big Chill, featured a star studded cast of imposing talent. It also included...William Hurt. Hurt’s role as the impotent Vietnam veteran, Nick, was not inspiring.


VHS cover for I Love You to Death
VHS cover for I Love You to Death | Source
Publicity photo of Andy Griffith and Don Knotts from a Jim Nabors television special. Griffith and Knotts revive their Andy and Barney roles for a skit on the show.
Publicity photo of Andy Griffith and Don Knotts from a Jim Nabors television special. Griffith and Knotts revive their Andy and Barney roles for a skit on the show. | Source
Photo of "Ellis" dead drop site in Foxstone Park used by Robert Hanssen
Photo of "Ellis" dead drop site in Foxstone Park used by Robert Hanssen | Source

I Love you to Death...

I was in Moscow and feeling a bit peckish. I also had to call Kenneth which I resolved to do before finding a place to eat.

It was a bad connection...Kenneth kept repeating something that rhymed with...lake?

I did get the name of his contact in Moscow. I was surprised that Kenneth had such a stalwart agent in place in a foreign land.

A call to that man resulted in a meeting at a local pizzeria.

Upon entering...the place looked like any pizzeria located in Tacoma, Washington...except...it was located in Moscow, Russia.

Kevin Kline was in the kitchen making a pizza and planning his extramarital activities once he could sneak away from his on-screen wife...played by Tracy Ullman.

Ullman was in a back booth with her on-screen mother...the indomitable...Joan Plowright.

The two women were talking, in hushed tones, with two disreputable looking men. The men looked like they were stoned and incompetent hit men.

They looked familiar...

Kenneth’s man was sitting in a back booth. He signaled me over. I cast a quick glance around the room before sliding into the booth and appraising the man opposite me.

Howard Sprague. The long-time city clerk of Mayberry R.F.D. from the long-lived television show...The Andy Griffith Show.

“Mr. Sprague.” I open formally, as I knew, that was his way.

“Mr. Sandwiches. Might I suggest the Blue-plate special?” Howard offers as he tucks a napkin over his signature bow-tie.

“At a pizza place?” I ask doubtfully. “I was thinking of getting a pie...”

“The blueberry pie is quite excellent.” Agrees Howard.

“No...I mean pizza pie.”

Our order was taken by Joaquin Phoenix and we settled down to business.

“I have to be honest Mr. Sandwiches,” Howard began, “I don’t understand why you are in Moscow. Nominally, you would be here to track down this Misha fellow but you haven’t mentioned him once in the last two thousand words. Howard stopped talking as the food was delivered.

“I have to think,” He continued after we began eating, “That you have some other reason for being here.”

Howard was good. I admitted to him that I was actually here to try and find one good thing to say about William Hurt. I also always wanted to see Moscow and knew I could get Kenneth’s paper to pay for the trip...

“Why Moscow?”

“I’m looking for a park...” I begin...


Statue of tank in Gorky Park. The tank seems to be a combination of T-34 and IS-2 tanks.
Statue of tank in Gorky Park. The tank seems to be a combination of T-34 and IS-2 tanks. | Source
William Hurt signing autographs at the 2005 Toronto International Film Festival while promoting History of Violence.
William Hurt signing autographs at the 2005 Toronto International Film Festival while promoting History of Violence. | Source

Gorky Park...

As I was crossing the park I was joined by Creative Voice.

“Where you been?” I ask as I spy the man I wanted to talk to.

“I was trying to come up with some ideas for a story. He admits.

“There was a plane accident in Alaska but the NTBA report is still out...I don’t think it’s going anywhere. Have you had had any luck?”

I show him what I had written. After reviewing it together we chorused...

“No. Nothing good...”

“Hey where’s Internal CD player?” I ask.

“We never got that adapter thingy.”

“Oh...right, right, right...too bad...I could have used the Scorpions about now...”

We get closer to the man in question before Creative Voice grouses, “Also...why did we have to get those shots when we never even went to Alabama?”

The man in question was dressed in the uniform of a Soviet-era militia officer.

Despite the military connotations, the uniform designates a member of the civilian police force. In this case, homicide investigator Arkady Renko, played by William Hurt.

Gorky Park was a 1983 movie based on that most excellent of books, by the same title, which was penned by Martin Cruz Smith.

The movie was pretty good too. Janet Maslin, with the New York Times called it, “...a taut, clever thriller throughout.” Although Maslin was unable to understand why William Hurt affected an English accent for his Russian character...she found his performance as...”rivetingly strange.”

I like rivetingly strange. I have my theories about the English accent. William Hurt is not a good enough actor to pass off a Russian accent. Still...the role suited him and I liked how his character freed the minks at the end of the movie...

I felt as if I had met my obligation to Mr. William Hurt...


Mid-19th century Russian silver samovar. Gift given to President Nixon from His Excellency Leonid I. Brezhnev, General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union.
Mid-19th century Russian silver samovar. Gift given to President Nixon from His Excellency Leonid I. Brezhnev, General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union. | Source
I'm told I have a problem...
I'm told I have a problem... | Source
Hand drawn ghost for userbox on en.wiki
Hand drawn ghost for userbox on en.wiki | Source

Lost in Space...

“What?” I asked, pulled from my thoughts of crazy encounters with rabid members of the Palin family, Misha, terrified Eskimos, international intrigue, and Howard Sprague...

Erika, my roommate, is looking at me. “I said...do you want to watch Children of a Lesser God with me?”

I felt vomit rise up to crowd that dangly thing at the back of my throat.

“Oh f**k no. That movie sucked and so does William Hurt. You know I hate William Hurt,” I pause before continuing, “Besides, I have to come up with a final story idea for this contest. I’m dry.” I admit.

“Scraping the bottom of the samovar, huh? She asks. “Oh...speaking of samovar scraping...I was cleaning the toilet and...Unless you have been dumping containers of Tang into the bowl...you need to start drinking water.”

“Why?” I ask.

She stares at me before slowly asking. “Is your pee a dark dusty orange?”

Upon receiving my nod she informs me how that was not normal. She goes on to describe caffeine dehydration. I make a note to Google the condition...

“You should write a story called The Ghost of William Hurt,” Suggests Erika before leaving to watch the movie.

As titles went...it wasn’t bad. The Ghost of William Hurt.

I was long on title and short on plot, setting, ideas, and good ideas.

Still it was a start. It would require some form of disclaimer. Maybe something like...

“The title is misleading. For one thing, there is a pretty good chance that William Hurt is alive...”


working

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