The Ghosts in my House........
I live in an old farmhouse that at one time may have been a boarding house for at least a few civil war veterans . I have done a little researching but our local record keeping is a little sketchy at best. Anyway , all of which only serves to fuel my fairly active yet intellectually challenged imagination. Every state has it's own history of civil war contributions . All of which I find rather fascinating and in a very real sense, If you can imagine how difficult life must have been for all the living in general in these years one hundred fifty years ago , well I can only imagine , but here goes !
At the dinner table :
"Would you quit talking and pass the damned mashed potatoes private Ethan?"
"Sorry Captain Jewel, I get carried away when theres a lady at the table '", and as he passes the chipped china bowl of potatos he drops the spoon out of the dish and it clatters across the table and lands in the captains coffee cup.
"She aint no lady ....private ,she's the damned cook!"
"I'm sorry Capt............
" Ahhh Jesus private , what the hell....?"
As he jumps back from the table and begins to wipe the coffee and potato mess from his lap he farts loudly!
" Must you always pass gas's at the table Captain Jewel .....every damned time I try to put on a decent meal you spoil it by farting right out loud and in a public place such as this!"
The Captain continues to angrily clean up his lap as Mrs Johnson jumps up and runs to the kitchen in tears ........Private Ethan lowers his head like a reprimanded child and speaks softly.
.........." Sorry sir , I allays' get carried away when I git near a lady like that ".......
" You always get carried away by the smells of perfume Private , you always have !, AND, you always drop the friggin potatoes when you do , Smarten up private !"
'Yes sir !" ........
A few minutes later Mrs Johnson returns with another dish of mashed potatoes and this time she has a bigger spoon in the dish .............and she has also put on more perfume !.......
' Well private ........lets see if you can spill these taters" , the captain says ...."Cept this time that damned spoon will break my toes right off "!
" Captain , maybe if you turn the other way it might land on the floor missing where you haint got no leg!"....... private Ethan says.
"Now there you go again pointing out the obvious private , you always do that , Ever since you got kicked in the head by that mule in Shilo you haint' made much of no sense!"
"Captain , I think sometimes that you losing your leg has left you a little off balance sir, it sure seemed to affect your gastric exaust system , not like we can hold that aginst you sir".
"Well damn private , thank you for understandin"........as he gives a cross look to the private he wrinkles his nose at Mrs. Johnsons lavender water scented perfume ........."
"If I might ask Mrs Johnson , what in the world is that odor?"..........
" Why Captain , thats the newest scent from New York city , it is right now being worn by the ladies at the latest opera I do understand "........she looks slyly at the private and giggles........
"Well .....I never heard a wearin no tree for a perfume " the captain said.
" A lilac aint no tree Captain , it's a most gorgeous flower , if you must know".
" All I know is that from now on , I'm going to take my nourishments out on the piazza from now on , Where I don't have to smell no tree's and I don't have to wear no patato's on my new dress pants"
As the captain leans over and farts one more time The privates face turns red and Mrs Johnson starts to gather the dishes from the meal together . The other veterans all begin ro quickly disperse for the fresher evening air outside.
To be Continued?