"The Hacker's In the Dell..."

Chest radiograph showing a Pancoast tumor
Chest radiograph showing a Pancoast tumor | Source

Coffee...(check). Kidney...(check).

There are certain things that occur to a person as they wake up. A way of ordering the day, really. The need to pee. The need for coffee. The dentist appointment that afternoon. It is also a time for reflection...

Like every morning, I was glad that I had not woken up in a bathtub filled with ice, missing a kidney with a cryptic message scrawled, in green Sharpie, on my forearm, advising me to call 9-11…no…I didn’t feel like a victim. Still…I needed coffee…and I needed to pee...

Certain thoughts don’t occur while watching the coffee machine dither about in the conduction of its most vital function…the generation of morning caffeine in liquid form. (Gurgle-slurp-blurb...one drop...) No.I didn’t feel like an addict...

I should imagine that if you scheduled a liquor-store heist following your dentist appointment… it may occur to you that there was a possibility of being arrested that day; but generally speaking, I don’t think most people plan on being arrested when they wake up. No. I didn’t feel like an impending criminal...

Likewise…I rarely expect to fall in love on any given day. Certainly, there is always that hope, however, such things as love should not be planned on. Love is better when it surprises you. No. I didn’t feel like I was about to be handed that certain special set of particular complications and rewards...

These denials aside...like a glob of butter from a smoker’s lung...something was coming up...I could feel it...

A Farm...where farm food comes from...
A Farm...where farm food comes from... | Source
Breakfast fixings...not mine...but...
Breakfast fixings...not mine...but... | Source
A valid breakfast choice...
A valid breakfast choice... | Source

Domestic Bliss Shattered...

My two mental roommates...Creative Voice and Internal CD player were moving about my intellectual kitchen scene as well.

Creative Voice was banging the cerebral cereal bowls while internal CD player was humming an odd choice for our household...’The Farmer in the Dell’. Even odder...he was singing Romania’s version of the famous children’s rhyme, “Ura, draguta mea...”

Farm food did sound good though. Maybe, eggs? A grain item? Toast. Would toast be a grain item? I’m never sure. I looked in my fridge. I didn’t seem to have eggs, toast, bread, dragons, or grain.

My brief survey did reveal coffee and a half carton of half-and-half. Additionally, fourteen empty pizza boxes enabled the physical anthropologist the ability to interpret my dietary sadness by strata and associated flora and fauna growth. This rounded out my meager search results...

(Gurgle-slurp-blurb...one drop...)

My domestic bliss was shattered by Iron Maiden’s “The Trooper.” Cell-phone ring. Boss calling. I didn’t answer it, availing myself instead; of a technology I understood...Voice mail. I did, however, head towards the shower as I knew the resultant message would require me to be far more ready for the day than I currently was...

J. Edgar Hoover and his assistant Clyde Tolson sitting in beach lounge chairs, circa 1939
J. Edgar Hoover and his assistant Clyde Tolson sitting in beach lounge chairs, circa 1939 | Source
The Victim...Attemptedhumour...
The Victim...Attemptedhumour...

The Crime Scene...

Even without my boss’ heads-up, I would have still known something was amiss. There was much gnashing of teeth and rending of breast going on.

Hubbers were running pell-mell, in various states of undress, some...speaking in tongues...others...just using their tongues.

Pandemonium appeared to be driving the bus this morning and he was drifting over the double-yellow lines...

Hugging the wall as the building emptied around me, I was like a salmon fighting upstream, but without the expectant ‘happy ending,’ at the conclusion of my travails. I saw the Children’s Literature Hubs move past...Chicken Little plaintively warning that the sky was falling...

As a seasoned journalist, I knew how to dress and what to bring to a crime scene...

Cargo shorts, t-shirt, flip-flops, computer bag, beach chair, cooler, nail clippers, pencils, my lucky quarter, clean underwear, an empty plastic baggie, four AA-batteries, post-it-notes, and a didgeridoo. I’m a firm believer that your shorts should have lots of pockets and you should have a comfortable beach chair to sit in...

In keeping with the literary nature of our crime scene...I had also brought along a paperback mystery. It was entitled, ‘The Essentials of Grammar.”

The halls were largely empty now. A few panicked Hubbers still running for exits. I could see the flashing lights and crime scene tape strung across a familiar Hubsville office. Its occupant sitting just outside the tape...in a beach chair...

In a mix of emotions I was surprised, happy, bummed, and justified. Although my boss had informed me of an incident...he hadn’t told me the victim’s name, hence the surprise. I considered the man a friend so I was happy to see him, however, I was bummed that my friend was the Vic. Bringing a didgeridoo to a crime scene is a hit-or-miss proposition, therefore, I felt justified that I had brought it today...

The man’s name was Attemptedhumour and he hailed from down under...

Beer... | Source
HMAS LST 3014 | Source
Photo of Rhinoplasty Nose Surgery...
Photo of Rhinoplasty Nose Surgery... | Source
Guarding the secrets of Star Wars...
Guarding the secrets of Star Wars... | Source
One Element in the party known as..."Lash this piffle down..."
One Element in the party known as..."Lash this piffle down..." | Source

The Dirty Deets...

As I deployed my beach chair, Attemptedhumour reached into his own cooler and pulled out a couple of beers and passed one to me.

“Hey mate!” He announced. “Cheers!”

“To the Queen’s health.” I responded in the traditional toast. “So...you got hacked, huh?” I asked surprised.

Settling in, I kicked off my flip-flops, pulled out a pencil and post-it-notes, and readied the nail clippers and empty plastic baggie. I had managed to locate four pizza remnants pieces from the top three boxes in my refrigerator...and I offered a piece (in three parts) to my friend. He declined.

“Right...bloody hackers?!” Replied the typically unflappable Australian. “You had better watch your own stuff...you could easily be next.”

He was a man of secrets...hailing from the other side of the planet... (And the bottom part to boot)...he was an enigma to me. I had once heard that he sailed the seven seas with his nation’s navy, in search of amorous gravy, however, his name appeared on no martial rolls associated with that service...

Distinguished looking, he was sporting a salt-and-pepper thing, red shirt, chino slacks, and boat shoes. Getting back to the mystery thing...I always suspected that he had some cosmetic work done. It’s just a feeling. Not for vanity. No. That wasn’t his way...he’s a humble man. Besides...had it been for vanity, I can’t help but think he would have done a better job...

Concealment, then? Perhaps he worked with their intelligence service...spying on penguins?Maybe he was in the Australian version of their ‘Witness Protection’ program? For some reason...I assume it’s called the Kangaroo Hop...

Conversely...criminal element? I read in my history book that they all came from convict stock. I don’t judge, though. I too come from convict stock...although...local...not imported...

I don’t pry. I believe a man’s secrets are his secrets...even when his toilet spins entirely in the wrong direction upon flushing...which I’m pretty sure...is also some kind of secret...

“CSI guys?” I indicated the swirling activity around his office door. “What happened?”

Indignantly he replied, “Hell if I know! I was merely trying to lash this piffle down and all bloody hell broke loose mate....all bloody hell...!”

Lash this piffle down...

I contemplated the term “Lash this piffle down” and applied the Reno, Nevada usage to the expression before asking...

“How do four lizards, a prostitute, a staple gun, a king-sized bed (with queen-sized sheets), and a hollowed out (but never used) pumpkin factor into this?”

“That’s what you Yanks call “Lash this piffle down?”

“Pfft...That’s what we call Tuesday nights my friend.”

The button that got pushed...
The button that got pushed...
The Didgeridoo...in action...
The Didgeridoo...in action... | Source
Spoons... | Source
Frogs...maybe from Thailand...
Frogs...maybe from Thailand... | Source

I Pushed this one Button...

I explained my presence to Attemptedhumour and he was aghast...

“You pressed the ‘Write this Hub’ button on the Weekly Inspirational Topic??” He asked incredulously,

“You have read Dave Powell’s hub, Nailing Hackers’ Hides to the Wall haven’t you mate? It was brilliant, brilliant! Clarity. Well written and clever...Oh...and let’s not forget...it’s actually informative!”

That last bit was my Achilles heel in this whole Hubsville thing...they seemed to like stuff to be accurate and informative. Worse...they preferred material to be relevant to some type of real topic or Google search.

I pondered a way to write my way out of this conundrum while Attemptedhumour chuckled at my naiveté...I began clipping my toe nails as we waited... (clip, clip)...

“Hey mate,” noted my friend, “Besides for being disgusting...should you really be clipping your toe nails at a crime scene? DNA evidence...chain of evidence sort of thing...”

“I’m well aware of the hazards of throwing DNA samples around a crime scene, good sir. Which is why I brought this.” I hold up the empty baggie...“Oh...you should play this...” I pass across the didgeridoo.

Attemptedhumour stares at me.

“What?” I shrug.

“You assume because I come from Australia that I inexplicably know how to play this thing don’t you?”

“I was hoping.” I nod as I carefully place two-thirds of a big toe-nail in my baggie...

“Damn bloody Yanks!” My friend grumbled before busting out with a haunting rendition of Thailand’s version of the famous children’s rhyme...”The Farmer in the Dell”...

(wuuaa, wuuaa, wua...)

Internal CD player clicks on and begins to accompany him on the spoons.

Considering how many versions of this song he seemed to know...I was impressed by his multi-cultural-ism and wicked spoon playing abilities...

(tippity-clack, tickity-clap...)

(wuuaa, wuuaa, wua...)

I bust out in song...”Why does the frog have a stomach ache...?”

(wuuaa, wuuaa, wua...)

(tippity-clack, tickity-clap...)

(clip, clip)

“Why is the rice wet?” I crooned, “Because it has been raining...”

Attemptedhumour brought it home... (wuuaa, wuuaa, wua...)

(tippity-clack, tickity-clap...)

(clip, clip, clip)

“Because the frog as been croaking...”

Our impromptu jam session comes to a ragged coughing halt as a technician nears the crime scene tape...

The threat...
The threat... | Source
Russia... | Source
Leon Trotsky in uniform (Soviet general)
Leon Trotsky in uniform (Soviet general) | Source

Tommy the Technician...

The technician was young-ish...maybe mid-20s. Thin, slight of build, average height, goatee...like America’s hegemony...his hairline was receding fast. Within his eyes there was a light burning...the light of the technical convert. A crime scene pass identified him as Tommy the Technician.

“Yeah. You had a hacker. They were looping a (technical talk) using a RDP into a (technical talk) SBS 03 machine...” he reported knowingly.

“They were from Russia. I basically shadowed their session and every time they created a new user in the command prompt...I’d hit the up key, change add to delete, and delete the user!”He finished triumphantly...

The light in his eyes reflected the confusion in ours...

“Huh, mate?”

“What you say?”

“He was using your server to set up fake profiles on websites to get a person to click on links for naughty pictures...which actually installs malware.”

“How do you know they were Russian?” I asked.

“Was it Russian porn?” Asked (a little too interested) Attemptedhumour.

“Was it called ‘Trotsky’s Trollops’?” I inquired...

Internal CD player...”Brown-chicken, brown-cow...Bow-chick-a-wow-wow...”

“The Gulag Girls of Gorki?” This from Attemptedhumour.

“Um...you know what an IP address is, right?” Probed Tommy the Technician as he attempted to edge away...

“Of course.” I responded. Internet porn?

“Well everyone has one...and this one came from Russia.”

Attemptedhumour confirmed what I was thinking...”From Russia with Love, eh?”

The notion that I had an unknown Internet Russian Porn address had me intrigued.I made a mental post-it-note to check this out when I got home...

I informed Tommy the Technician that (in all likelihood) he was going to appear in a short story and I asked him if he would like to be clothed in super-hero garb...maybe a cape...

“Nah, regular clothes are fine.” Tommy the Technician stated. “And really...you don’t have to put me in any story. Please don’t put me in a story.”

“Are you sure?” I asked...ignoring his request to be left out. “The ladies really like a good set of super-hero undies. Have you actually had super-hero undie sex?”

“The Kremlin Kondom?” Hollered out a still excited Attemptedhumour...

“The Ladies of Leningrad?” I offered back. In a perverted politburo ping-pong match...this went on for awhile. Tommy the Technician slipped away...

Telephone Book...
Telephone Book... | Source
Dave Powell...Writer...Internet guy...
Dave Powell...Writer...Internet guy... | Source

Back at Home...

Attemptedhumour and I had separated after making plans to hit the Hubpub later in the week for a few drinks. He wished me luck on my writing endeavor and I (belatedly) congratulated him on his nomination for the Booker Prize for his Hub...”Don’t We all Hate Unnecessary Punctuation.”

Creative Voice had declined to go to the crime scene with us, citing the need to work on his novel.

When Internal CD player and I got home...Creative Voice was sleeping on the couch and a free-cell solitaire game was displayed on his computer. I woke him up and put him on point to find this Russian Internet porn address thingy...

As he was working I re-read the Inspirational Topic writing prompt. I re-read it again. Wait. It doesn’t ask how I would stop a hacker...it asks what I would do about protecting myself from hackers...that was easy...I reached for the telephone book...I would call this guy...



Internet Guy

I was tidying up my Hub...making sure all the loose ends were neatly accounted for. I was reviewing the opening paragraphs of nonsensical denials and statements I had made when I was just trying to get words on the page...there was a knock on the door...

“Thought Sandwiches?” Asked the cop standing on my porch.

“Uh-huh.” I replied warily.

“There was an incident in Hubsville today,” he reported, “In the course of our investigation we discovered a bag of toe-nail clippings at the scene of the crime...you are going to need to come downtown and answer some questions.”

“Are you arresting me?” I asked surprised...I hadn't planned on being arrested today when I woke up...

Tommy the Technician's dinner...
Tommy the Technician's dinner... | Source
Superhero undies...
Superhero undies... | Source
Lizards of love...
Lizards of love... | Source

Tommy the Technician...

When Tommy the Technician got home to Reno, he was worn out from the day’s events. He kissed his girl and they sat down to enjoy the loving meal she had created.

In the normal give and take of a healthy relationship, he related the extraordinary events that had occurred in Hubsville while she filled him in on her doings that afternoon.

After a few hours of television and cuddling...they went to bed. The girl was the first to notice...

“Oh baby,” she purred upon seeing him stripped down and wearing only super-hero undies.

“That fucking asshole.” Groaned Tommy the Technician upon noticing what had garnered her attention...

“Baby? I know it’s not Tuesday...but would you like to ‘Lash this piffle down?”

“I’ll make a call to the escort service and get the lizards!” Said the suddenly happy Tommy the Technician. As he was grabbing the pumpkin carving implements he couldn’t help but think that, perhaps, that old guy might have some inner wisdom as regards super-hero undie sex...

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Comments 71 comments

attemptedhumour profile image

attemptedhumour 5 years ago from Australia

I've told you before about writing long hubs, but you just won't listen. I decided not to eat that grungy Pizza slice that you gave me and sold it as an Andy Warhol original for three point nine million dollars. I'm posting you a fresh slice to square, (sorry) triangle the ledger. Those pawn sites are becoming a problem for me. My wife will only fall for the chess club ruse for a so long. I knew you were nutty, and didn't think that you could get any worse, or perhaps better at it, but I was wrong. I'm good at playing the fool, but not the didgeridoo. Just because I was born in the hospital wing of a prison, it doesn't mean I'm a convict. Yes I'm humble, a humble genius in fact, who deserves credit for getting those to words next to one another in the same sentence. This hub is whacky, (expected), long, (expected) has attemptedhumour in it, (unexpected) funny, (expected) and a great demonstration of why some creative writing should emanate from the confines of a secure mental institution. Cheers Buddy I love the interaction, there should be more of it.

TheManWithNoPants profile image

TheManWithNoPants 5 years ago from Tucson, Az.


You are marvelous. I read, I laugh, then I read and laughed some more. I finished the hub saying to myself, "this guy's a genius!" You really are you know. I enjoyed this from top to bottom and have no idea what you're talking about. Don't worry. It's not you, it's me. I'm the guy who loves fine dining and eating with my fingers. You are good my friend!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi Attempted...in picking my 'victim' for this hub...I knew I would have to find someone with a sense of humor...or...humour...if you will...you were the obvious choice...thanks for being a good sport my friend!

I would give you some royalties from this but...yeah...the ads have already been disabled on this one too. I think pornography is a proscribed word...at least it seems to be when you repeat the word 'pornography' every three sentences...or maybe...piffle is the proscribed word...

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi Jim...I very carefully hit the 'approve' button on this comment...I didn't want you getting a complex if I accidentally delete this one too...Thank you for your kind words my friend...

I have to admit...this one got a little weird...that happens when I tackle 'technical' questions! It is always good to see you my friend!


Mark Ewbie profile image

Mark Ewbie 5 years ago from Euroland

Wow. Great piece of writing, funny yes, but more than that... absorbing. Love the slightly random nature of the pictures, although they are each essential of course.

I bought into it and read it fairly carefully, although I'm not entirely sure I understood it - whatever... it was most enjoyable.

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi Mark...yeah...I don't really understand it either...but I had fun writing it and I am certainly glad you found it enjoyable! Thank you very much for taking the time to run an eye over it!

attemptedhumour profile image

attemptedhumour 5 years ago from Australia

Yeah, what was this hub about?

Dave Powell profile image

Dave Powell 5 years ago from Winchester, MA

OMG ThoughtSandwiches! I first quickly scanned your hub to case out the terrain. And when I came to my own face and name, I careened to a halt. Now, I like looking at myself as much as the next guy... maybe more. But HUH? WHA'THE? And I very much appreciate the plug for my hub and your inspired riff on this whole vast East European hackerski thingie. So I voted you up and very funny... with an extra HP badgie for choosing attemptedhumour as your victim of record rather than moi-même. Now, where did those superhero undies go?....

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hey Attempted...uh-oh...the nature of your comment suggests...hubs are supposed to be about stuff?? This was merely an attempt to discourse about a subject I have no knowledge of...I like to think that my lack of credentials came through in the writing...and yet...even with nothing substantial to say...yeah...still 3000 words. Sigh.!

PS...from the way you were jamming to Thailand's version of The Farmer in the Dell...I would have said you were a didgeridoo prodigy...

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi Dave...I owe you a huge thanks...your timely publication of such a (real) discussion of hackers helped me get myself out of a hell of a writing mess...boom...link...move on...

I apologize for the unauthorized usage of your face...but I did bury it towards the bottom of the Hub...you know...back of the building...behind the pulled down curtains...so impressionable kids won't get you know...um...impressed?

Thank you for the kind words and up votes...to a writer...kind words and up votes is like crack! Next hub...? A writer trying to score accolades in a dark alley?? hmm...

Dave Powell profile image

Dave Powell 5 years ago from Winchester, MA

Hi ThoughtSandwiches, No apology needed... and you're welcome! I'm glad that I helped you out of a writing mess. Writers in dark alleys... hmmm... Dirk might run into some of them someday (who knows)! By the way, have you noticed how much that diagram of Russia looks like a charging bull?

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hey Dave...well now I think it looks like a charging bull! I am very susceptible to suggestion...I will keep my eye open for Dirk in that dark alley...um...can you score a bag of praise??

Alastar Packer profile image

Alastar Packer 5 years ago from North Carolina

Just who is the dude in the red shirt,...the star from The Dirty Deets on down and under? What does the 'Victim attempted humor' mean? Was he a victim of some vile attack because he tried to be funny? Wait a sec...that's the guy on HP and he really is good at attempted humor! Confused, confused. Oh yeah, the article. Would you believe I read it once and a third? Well I did. Actually it's worth two or three reads- most impressive and mentally pleasurable- at least. Your making your HP mark my son- who are you really?~:))

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Alastar...the dude in the red shirt...yeah...the man of mystery! So I was reading your comment and I when I read that you had read it once (a surprise) and then a third...I naturally assumed you were a third of the way through when you regained your sanity and closed down this 'piffle'. Your words are always very kind my friend. In warning to you...I have a (hazy at best)idea for a character...a visiting historian perhaps...from the South...hmm...

Alastar Packer profile image

Alastar Packer 5 years ago from North Carolina

Hazily cool. I'm ready for my close-up Mr. Sandwiches.

Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

The hubs just get weirder and weirder, don't they? But don't worry - I mean that as a compliment. Voted up!

attemptedhumour profile image

attemptedhumour 5 years ago from Australia

A joke is a joke, but I still may have to sue you for defication of character. :)

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Jeannie...yes...yes they do. Sadly...this was created in answer to a technical question about fighting off hackers. So...yeah...some serious shit. But I would be fibbing if I said this wasn't weird. Yeah...weird...very weird. Thank you for the compliment and Up vote!

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Attempted... defecation of character is a serious charge...It is why I placed a picture of a urinal as my first picture. You may sue me if you are hoping for a public apology...any type of monetary judgement, however, would be a waste of time I fear. Would you like some parts of several pieces of pizza?

epigramman profile image

epigramman 5 years ago

...well I certainly dig/love/worship the way you write - and I truly wish I could eat 'sandwiches' like you and think the way you do - this is literally an 'epic' hub of brilliance to my humble way of thinking - and yes I will proudly post this beauty to my Facebook page with a direct link back here so people will realize what they've been missing - lake erie time ontario canada 7:25pm - and if you wanna see/read a gal who can put together an epic hub - no kidding - then check out Kallini 2010.

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi epigramman...You are too kind my friend. I shall start by thanking you for...checking my crap out, making a wonderful comment, providing a share to FB, and any votes that may have occurred, and...(most important) giving me a heads-up on Kallini2020. Who knew...well... other than you and her other 245 followers I guess. Still better to be late to the bus and have to stand then to miss the bus altogether. I am always honored when you take the time to take a peek and leave a comment, good sir. You are a classy Hubber my friend.

jhamann profile image

jhamann 5 years ago from Reno NV

Very amusing. Brought a smile to my face on a Monday, and that is hard to do.

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi jhamann...the image of Tommy brought the smile to your face, huh? I am glad I was able to help out on the Monday-blues thing! Have a great rest of your day!

Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

Great writing, disgusting images (I can't remember what, but I don't want to go back and find out in case I am disgusted again). In the nicest possible manner, of course.

I was very impressed, confused and intrigued. Glad you used Keith as your victim... I love that guy's writing.

I'm going out now to get a bit of fresh air, and see if my internal CD player will stop playing the Welsh (South Wales) version of 'The Farmer in the Dell'.

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi Twilight Lawns...I happened upon your profile page and followed you based exclusively on that wonderful piece of work. As it was late and I was getting ready for 'Lash this piffle down Tuesday' I went to bed with a vow to read some of your hubs, right proper upon waking. I am now awake...but I need coffee...

Keith's writing is awesome and so is his attitude...it was my honor to pay him homage (of sorts) ...I understand he would have preferred two dollars in an envelope...but...I don't have two dollars or an envelope...so there it is.

There is a South Wales version of The Farmer in the Dell?? I of course knew about the North Wales version...(OK...that's actually a surprise too...I do need that coffee)...

Thanks for stopping by Twilight Lawns...I am glad I was able to disgust, impress, intrigue, and confuse...normally I am only shooting for two of those options...disgust and confuse.

barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 5 years ago from Hemet, Ca

So, I was thinking... I am going to room up with Creative Voice and Internal CD player. Mostly because I am intrigued by the genius ways that your stories unfold. I mean genius as in mad crazy and just purely awesome. Loved every minute of this... love how you incorportated Attemptedhumor into this... I even love the wonderfully weird visual I got of Tommy the Tech.... oh nevermind. Some things should never be put into the written word! ;)

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Barbergirl...thank you for your kind words (here and in all my hubs)

Soooo...you really want to room with those two guys?? Creative Voice is hanging a sheet across my frontal lobe for privacy...I'm going to put you in the part of my brain that deals with mathematics...nothing much happens there...it will be quiet...

As for mad crazy...half way through the writing process...they disabled my ads again...I figured what the hell...no money...might as will get weird. I fear the piece wasn't understood by all (can you really blame them?) but they appeared to enjoy it so I am gratified.

I know that Tommy the Technician visual you are talking about...yeeeees....nuff said...

PS...bring sharp knives. You will be sleeping next to Creative Voice and...well...you've read about his ways....

barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 5 years ago from Hemet, Ca

Ha ha - no worries - I got two new knife blocks and after only 2 days with the P90X I have found a couple guns... they were attached all along. Who would have known they were fully loaded. (Yes, that is horrible humor referring to my arms as guns!) I think I will fit right in with them. Although I think Creative Voice is trying to hide from me. Maybe he is afraid I will eat the farm eggs or something!

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

That reminds me...bring eggs.

So...two things...I missed the workout today...tomorrow I am going to double up (a P180X if you will)...actually, when I saw your Hub yesterday...I thought we were talking a new gaming platform...I'm glad it's a work out thing tho...I don't understand gaming platforms.

Second thing...happy Hub anniversary!! I did not bake a cake...it requires eggs...hence...the bring eggs request...

manthy profile image

manthy 5 years ago from Alabama,USA

Voted everyway possible ;0)

FUNNY - a tad bit on the long side but someone told me that was a good thing......

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi manthy...

It is a tad smear on the long side and I must confess (I had no idea that I would have the opportunity to type the words 'tad smear' today) That said (knuckle-bump) on the assist there! woot.

Thank you for the votes and I'm glad you enjoyed it!


RNMSN profile image

RNMSN 5 years ago from Tucson, Az

I knew I was going to love this when I found out there was a didge in it :)

you encourage ordinary hubbers such as myself!

Just Ask Susan profile image

Just Ask Susan 5 years ago from Ontario, Canada

Brilliant hub! What an imagination you have. So glad that I waited until now to finish reading this as I needed a good laugh and sure got one.

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi RNM...you came back to another hub?? Well...you are the medical professional...I suppose you know what you can handle...

That said...are you as proficient with the didge as you are with the release methods of a Chinese Fighting Star?

On the contrary sir...your kind words encourage me. Thanks for stopping by!

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Susan...I believe that would be the least I can do for you after the Hot Buttered Rum mess I left in your tub! Oh...and I think Creative Voice may have taken some prescription medication...I shall make sure it gets returned.

Thanks for stopping and commenting!

Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS

I just read your comment that they've disabled your ads again. Not that I'd been snoozing before, but now I'm wide awake and paying attention, taking copious notes!

I'd give anything to have ads disabled on my hubs. I've never subscribed to any of that, and certainly have never received a penny, nor expected to, but there they'll be, some atrocious ads for some disgusting products right smack-dab in the middle of my gorgeous, artistic, very carefully wrought poetry hubs!!!!!! Nothing I can punch or unpunch stops this unwelcome invasion. Oh, woe is me.

I even try to outfigure where the things will pop up during my hub assembling. As you know, they don't really post till one publishes. But I've willingly redone entire sequences post-publishing, just to try to get the ads relegated to the least objectionable, less noticeable and minimally offensive locations. It's absurd. If you want them and can't have them and I don't want them and can't be rid of them - what? Maybe we could masquerade as each other till the ad-powers tire of the game?

Otherwise, I may try some weird stuff (or weirder in a different way than my usual) in hopes of driving off the ads. If it's an absolute requirement, I'll even slip in some nasty words too! (looking for that old underground dictionary I had when my kids were teenagers as I type.) Sure, I can do that! I can type in some nasty word. I can, I can! (a wan smile comes over me and my knees weaken. . . )

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi Nellieanna...

You have actual tapped into my next project...the one I was typing up before I switched over to see what was going on in Hubsville and saw your post...that said...I quickly looked over my shoulder to see if you were standing behind me in Reno...certain lines have begun to blur lately...anyways...I'm glad you weren't here--in Reno (my place is a mess) but now I fear you know too much.

It was my plan to not include other Hubbers in this...I don't wish to destroy their careers...but...like I said...you now know too much. So...any thoughts on what you want to be wearing...?

Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS

Well, hum - let me see. After all, I have a fashion background and wouldn't want to choose to be wearing something inappropriate. Without knowing the setting of this hub where I may appear, it's a challenge to choose. So perhaps I'll just be casual in style and focus on color to state my presence. A red T with jeans - or, if you know something I don't which calls for more formal wear, a red silk blouse with designer jeans. How's that?

Not to worry about the mess. It's a sign of a creative mind - so I've been told.

htodd profile image

htodd 5 years ago from United States

Great post..Thanks

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Alas Nellieanna...you are indeed a treasure, as such, you are a delight to meet! In rereading your profile...it occurs to me...you are way too classy to appear in any of my tales...that said...welcome aboard!! I shall endeavor to be the height of decorum and your fashion sense has been duly noted!

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

htodd...thank you very much! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS

Aw shucks. So I'm missing an interesting experience, huh? Maybe I'll stow away and observe, then. Thanks for a lovely compliment. ;->

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi Nellie...I should imagine that you will end up in the thick of things actually. As for interesting...that would be another matter...

Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS

Well, be kind, then.

If I can't trust ThoughtSandwiches, . . . .whom? heh heh . . .

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Oh...I shall be the height of decorum...indeed, indeed...

kimh039 profile image

kimh039 5 years ago

I followed the cornstarch crumbs to this ridiculous hub on something, je ne sais quoi. Rubbish perhaps. I'm in hog heaven! Deep thoughts sandwiched in rubbish. Creative, yes. Genius, yes. Still rubbish. (Thanks for the fun, ThoughtSandwiches.)

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author


You have a keen eye for rubbish my friend! And you are right about this corn starch thing...yummy! Creative, perhaps. Genius, hardly. Rubbish...my specialty. I am glad you were able to stop in and have a peek!


allaboutseo profile image

allaboutseo 5 years ago from United Kngdom

nice post i like it.....!!!!

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi allaboutseo...I'm very glad you liked it! Please feel free to amble by any time!

FloraBreenRobison profile image

FloraBreenRobison 5 years ago

This is halarious! I love the Creative Voice and internal CD player being your roommates. love all the references to Keith too.

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi Flora...

You love Creative Voice and Internal CD player being roommates...cuz they ain't yours. They are both slobs...well...Creative Voice anyways...

I'm glad that I was able to inspire the occasional giggle-snort as you meandered through these paragraphs. Keith has threatened to sue.

Please feel free to come back any time you are bored and want to explore what is called...my world.


phdast7 profile image

phdast7 5 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

What a ride! What fun, what imagination, what terrific segues. Great stuff. :)

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi phdast7...

I'm very glad you enjoyed my attempt to fight off hackers...and...I hope I didn't get too technical...

Please feel free to come back any time...I got pizza pieces...


nemanjaboskov profile image

nemanjaboskov 5 years ago from Serbia

Hi, TS!

Another mind-boggling reading experience :)

Thank you very much!!!

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi nemanjaboskov...

You are welcome my friend! Thank you for taking the time to read, enjoy and comment on it!


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 5 years ago from Sweden

I came to this hub not really knowing what to expect but I guess it was the toilet that intrigued me... I love the way you describe the morning routine, the toilet and the coffee makes so much sense! As I read on I was thrilled by the way you write with humor and something else that I really can´t define:) I usually try to look for some hidden meanings while reading stories but in this one it got to complicate. So I read it again and just enjoyed:)

Thanks for a very special moment with lot of fun details! You really have a way with words...


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author


(I love your first name, btw.) Come for the toilet...stay for coffee and rambling plot progression! Thank you for your very kind words...as a writer...you know the value of them!

I like you...I feel bad that I sent you on a red herring for hidden meanings....alas...

I shall tell you a secret...most of my hidden meanings...are hidden to hide the fact that there really isn't a meaning. I know...I feel as if I owe the reader more than that....but...

Please come back and enjoy more 'special moments' with me. You are always welcome here my new friend.


profile image

iamaudraleigh 5 years ago

Great storyteller...voted up!

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author


Thank you for reading and commenting! I'm glad you liked my story!


alocsin profile image

alocsin 5 years ago from Orange County, CA

First time I've read a hub with sound effects. Voting this Up and Interesting.

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author


A hub with sound effects...that's awesome! In terms of technological ability...I am fairly poor...I have to think of them as a poor man's video encapsule.

Thank you for stopping by and the great comment!


PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy 5 years ago from Juneau, Alaska

another brilliant hub. Have I ever told you about the film noir feeling I get when I read your hubs? it's always a fun read and yours are the only long hubs I read...up and shared

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author


lol...yeah...my stories do tend to go for the rambling side of long...lol...so YOU are the one who reads my stories!?!?

I was unaware of the film noir aspect...that is TOTALLY cool!



PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy 4 years ago from Juneau, Alaska

thomas... the world would be cooler if it was film noir!

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author


We should just proceed with our lives as if the world WAS film noir. That should shake some shit up.


snakeslane profile image

snakeslane 4 years ago from Canada

Hello Thomas, thought I would check out your best piffle first. The toenail clipping really grossed me out, so did the pizza, and the super hero underwear and oh the list goes on and on. Why do I keep thinking of 'Get Smart'? Is that the film noir connection PDXK guy is talking about? You are a silly guy ThoughtSandwiches. I was surprised they didn't take you down for (well I won't say here). Cheers, snakeslane

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author


You know...this one does contain a goodly number of disturbing mental images...I remember having fun writing it! I also really miss attemptedhumour and looking forward to his return! Um...not that he is a disturbing mental image. Necessarily...

'Get Smart'...my ALL TIME favorite TV show...I have to think (from the shear number of times I've watched the shows) that some of it must have escaped into the writing. Speaking of escaped...you may get a 'Hogan's Heroes' feeling too...also a fav... :)

Thank you for stopping by!!


PS...I believe the charge you speak of got dropped in the plea deal...

RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Somehow I just KNEW your content would truly be much different than Melbels:) lol

You know the cops always bust people here very, very early in the morning. Bar time is 2:00 am here so most people are sleeping in slow wave by 5! Best time to go door knockin'!

IP - Yeah...uh huh your Internet Porn address! lol

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author


I have to think that anything Melbel did along this vein would prove quite complementary in addressing the topic...she could tell us how to protect ourselves from hackers and I would do...eh...whatever the hell it is I do.

Being a 24-hour town here...the bars never close and the cops bust people at all hours of the day and night...that's why I never answer the door.

Rereading this I gotta say...I miss Attemptedhumour...he was a CRAZY trip! uh-oh...my IP address is sticky...


maggs224 profile image

maggs224 4 years ago from Sunny Spain

I had a wonderful time reading this hub, I found your wit and humour totally captivated me.

I had no idea at any point what was coming next, but you had me hook line and sinker. Unlike a fish in that situation I offered no resistance and I let you reel me in which you did and it was a truly enjoyable process for this fish :)

Your writing style is so easy to read and follow, and the answers that you have given to your comments are almost as entertaining as the hub itself.

After reading a previous hub 'The Importance of following...' I wondered if I might be a little disappointed as I came with high expectations after thoroughly enjoying that hub, but I need not have worried you surpassed yourself.

I now know you are an extremely talented writer whose creativity and unique style of wit and humour produces extremely enjoyable hubs.

I am voting this hub up+ and hitting buttons on my way out, you have a new fan Thomas. thank you so much for the enjoyment your writing has given me Maggs :D

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author


They say that the key to comedy is surprise. Towards that end, I'm never really sure where these tales are going to meander to until I get there myself. As such, when I surprise my own-self I feel confident enough to press the 'publish now" button. I'm thrilled that it had the desired effect on you!

Thank you so much for your very kind words! As you can probably imagine...sometimes I have to think these musing are too weird even for me but your validation (and Up buttons and such) are truly a balm against writer's angst!


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