The HaplessHousehusband: A Fantasy Life...

Faulty Fantasy Life...

So, I've been at this househusbanding thing for a few months now. The mistakes are slowly fading. On most tasks, the screwed-it-up to successfully accomplished ratio is in the acceptable range, and She-who-is-adored seems happy. Clothes are now cleaned and put away, as she likes. There is a hot meal on the table when she comes home. The war on cobwebs continues unabated, and the strange stuff that ends up on the kitchen floor is a daily challenge, but on the whole, the house is clean.

So, job done?

Well, no. And therein lies the main issue with being a domestic diva. It never ends. It never, ever, stops. It is one relentless beast, and worst of all, it is soul crushingly boring. This is just a few months in, for crying out loud! How do all those women do it? The only thing that could possibly explain it is that they are all to dang busy to even think about it. Two small kids plus the house leaves approximately two nanoseconds a week available for thought. And this is a job that needs done, not thought about.

And it is so far from my dream job...

International jet-setting, important, and very rich guy, is the general idea. (James Bond, minus all the maiming and killing.) I dream of going through airports to subtle nods from officials who all know me, and darn it, respect me. Hundreds of people sleep easier at night thanks to my efforts, and, if were not for my astounding modesty, I'd be collecting medals and awards daily.

Yes, well, not so much.

Oh sure, it happens all day long, in my head. My imagination runs riot as I immerse myself in yet another menial task. I can speak several languages, so (while vacuuming) I converse with my imaginary partners and adversaries in French or German. Not really knowing Spanish as well as I should, does not stop me. If I don't know the word, I'll add a heavy dose of accent to the English one, and I'm quite OK with that. In this way I can add Arab sheiks and Russian mafia guys to my repertoire.

I am able to rationalize this behavior as practice, as I do dabble in the world of voice- overs and one (the hub was better than the experience: http://hubpages.com/hub/10-Acting-The-Fool) foray into the world of acting. There is also a reasonable chance that I am losing it.

I know I should not complain, as my lot is considerably better than many. I do get to escape to my computer and write, and I am allowed to play with my hub friends all day long. There is a welcome group of people who consider me funny, though I suspect that the people who think I should be locked up, don't, on the whole, leave comments on your hub.

So, the beds are made. I did a couple of hours decoration, went to Costco to load up on toilet paper, and am now treating myself to coffee and a write.

Of course there are things I should be doing, but dinner is planned, the log is in the fireplace and everything needs vacuumed, but it can wait.

Time to dream. Now, I have been very patient thus far, faithfully putting my hubs out and earning those little accolades. (Totally stars on the bottom of your work from teacher, but who doesn't completely love them?) By now, some media guru is supposed to have read my stuff, gasped in wonder, and sent a man with a huge check to my door. Oh, you too, huh? No, I check the affiliate settings and see that I have amassed just over twenty-six dollars. That's fifty cents a hub, or by my reckoning twenty cents an hour.

It's realizations like that that drive me to looking, very seriously at the, "make a million bucks a week, all you need is a computer and a couple of working brain cells," sites. Fortunately, my head still works, so I check everything on scam sites before sending my credit card into the Internet ether. Interesting that the sites that are scams have the first page on the scam sites all to themselves. Don't be lazy. Look further down. Find a real person who, though embarrassed, is brave enough to explain how they have lost their hard earned cash.

And freelance writing...I bid for a job at $25 an hour and was trumped by someone offering to do five pieces of over 1000 words for twenty bucks!

I'd rather do the laundry, including folding all the stuff, than be so undervalued.

It would appear that the old adage, give a million monkeys’ typewriters and eventually they would write Shakespeare plays, is at work here. Strange adage though, I’d have thought there would be a lot more writing on big rosy butts and bananas, not so much on fake European history. But then what do I know, I’m only worth twenty cents an hour.

Oh, and while I’m rambling. What is up with dusting? I’m pretty sure the dust is just stirred with air and after doing a few lazy cartwheels; lands right back where it was. I use a Swiffer that supposedly attracts the dust, but I did it in bright sunlight the other day and could practically see the dust motes laughing at me. And, is there a proper rule on whether you vacuum or dust first? Both seem perfectly capable of redistributing dust quite effectively.

Sadly, this is what passes for philosophy in the domestic arena. So far I have received some very helpful hints from the pros, and ladies I am very grateful. In fact I’m humbled. This looking after a home might be far harder than the international man of mystery thing…

Dear Hub Reader


If you enjoy this hub, please check out my book,

Homo Domesticus; A Life Interrupted By Housework,

A collection of my best writings woven into a narrative on a very strange year in my life.

Available directly from:

http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/homo-domesticus/12217500

Chris


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Comments 17 comments

sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana

First of all... TWENTY-SIX bucks!! That's awesome. I have accumulated the grand total of 64 cents. I refuse to see how much that is per hub!!

Second.. we housewives drink a lot, that helps.

Third... you are doing great. I hope you hang in there, as I do believe you are qualified to make a living at this.

Fourth... My opinion is really worth nothing, as I have made less than a dollar.

Fifth... Stan gave you a "congrats". That should be enough to carry you through another week.

Sixth... It sounds like you do housework WAY better than most of us. We just fake it.

Seventh... any body could ditch effective frickin housework, instead just know lots more need open peeing quit really stead ticks unfair vacuuming works (e)xtra young zealots. Wow, I really can't do that. Good job. :O)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Sue,

Glad you dropped by, and even gladderer that you tried the alphabetical response - hard to get any sense into it. Pee, not Poo? you just love to keep us all on our toes...

I'm not good at faking stuff - I'm way too type A for that.

I approved the blank response so everyone can see you in full dingbat mode...

Chris


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana

LMDHO!!

I appreciate the thoughtfulness, Chris. :)


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Sue,

I only got as far as "laugh my damned" - is the rest" Head Off"?

Remember I am now part fossil, and BTW you are welcome...

C


Lady Wordsmith profile image

Lady Wordsmith 5 years ago from Lancaster, UK

Chris! Housework sucks! I do as little as I possibly can. It's taken me 7 years, but now I have my house in a state where it doesn't take too much time to clean back up after the kids have trashed it. I Hate housework, it is the evilest part of my day. Just as you say, it never, ever ends. This is why I am introducing a Saturday morning cleaning rota for my family (my boys are only 3, 4 and 7, (and 35!) but you're never too young to take on a little domestic responsibility!) - everyone gets a job to do, and if they do it properly they can have a little pocket money. It's the closest I'll get to hiring a cleaner.

I haven't activated my AdSense properly - I hit a hurdle with it, and couldn't figure out how to get past it, so it's lying there, dormant. Not that I'd be earning anything if I did activate it!

Anyway, super hub. I feel your pain!

Linda.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Thanks, Linda.

I hope your team approach works - my experience with my two sons (many years ago) was that I spent more time reminding and prodding than it would have taken me to do it! I stuck with it, leading to, one day, it taking over three hours to simply empty the trash, a ten minute job at worst...

I was kind of hoping for the employer of international jet set guys to be reading, making all kinds of offers, but...

Chris


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 5 years ago

First of all, you now have a deep appreciation of how much physical and mental energy is required to keep a house ship shape. Maybe you could develop a way of dealing with the daily grind that lifts our spirits and makes us smile. It's probably better than jet setting which will require that you expose yourself to either radiation or groping on a daily basis.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Pop,

Thanks for dropping by...

And my empathy for fellow sufferers knows no bounds...

I mix in a little woodworking and a fair chunk of writting, so it really is not as bad as I make out - there is a little bit of dramatic licence at work here.

The groping? I feel sorry for them...

Chris


attemptedhumour profile image

attemptedhumour 5 years ago from Australia

Hi Chris as a fellow professional writer with a whopping ten, yes 'ten'! cents in my account, you will no doubt be hanging on to every word i am about to bestow upon you, concerning your mopping up operation. You sound a bit dodgy in the organisation/efficiency departments and your writing is far too creative and funny to make much ad-sense. So pills and potions must take precedence in your hubs, entertainment has a back seat and getting a proper job or a maid are sound plan bs and cs. Hope this advice helps, now get back to that kitchen floor. Cheers


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

attemptedhumor,

I had a chance to meet with the founders of Hubpges at a hubcamp, where they produced stats on most visited, most monetized, etc hubs. The number one area was writing about financial issues - by a long way - humor writting was way down the list...

I can write funny. I should never be allowed to comment on financial matters!!!

Poverty would appear to be the humorists lot, love to stay and chat but I need to clean the oven...

Chris


attemptedhumour profile image

attemptedhumour 5 years ago from Australia

Toss a hand grenade in the oven and look up finance.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana

I'm glad Chris has chosen to stay a poor humorist while he works on his novel. I have a quota of chuckles I need to meet every day. I would never come close without his articles and comments!!

Leave the pin in the grenade, that kind of thing should only be tossed into the oven when I'm cooking.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

attemptedhumor,

Housework as a Big Bang theory? - might make an interesting hub...

OK. Plan B. Please send me ten dollars to never write about about finance. The advice will be very bad for you, so this is, in fact, a way of saving yourself both time and money.

Paypay details to follow....

Chris


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

sueroy,

Thanks for the nice words, glad I can give you a chuckle or two.

I need to come up with some more easy recipes...

Chris


hubpageswriter 5 years ago

Love this hub. New fan here.=)


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

hubpageswriter,

Glad you dropped by. Please visit some of my other hubs, they talk, there's jealousy...

Thanks for leaving a comment, I hope I keep you entertained on a regular basis,

Chris

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