The Happy People's Club
Bobby Jackson, happy-go-lucky weekend golfer, and collector of generous pensions. Bobby was married in his twenties, but divorced when he finally got his head on straight. Now he enjoys cold pints of brew, and bullshitting with the boys. He lives with his woman on Itsallgood Island, and both of her baby girls love him. Occasionally, “other business” calls him out of town, and for a week or two, or three or four if it’s really good, he can (shhhh!!!) be found in the bed of his ex-high school sweetheart down in Arizona. Don’t tell anyone. They’re still hot for each other. Sex in your fifties can be delicious, baby! When he’s not being scolded by one woman, or fellated by another, he enjoys watching “Girls on Trampolines” with a beer in hand. Bobby doesn’t take anything too seriously, and he’s quick with a smile and laugh. If you want to head out to the local golf course to play a few rounds, Bobby’s your guy! He might even roll up a doobie!
Sally Monroe. Sally’s one of those girls that God blessed with a sweet, round body. She’s got a kickin’ ass and eyes that will knock you out. She prances around in tight jeans, swinging her hips like nobody’s business. Sally works in a small movie house that promotes local productions and shows racy film noirs. In between movies, when the staff is supposed to be cleaning the theater, Sally gets wild. She drop-kicks half-full buckets of popcorn across the room, and breaks out into spontaneous song. She pretends she’s a fim star, jumping up on stage and mimicking the latest hot-shot actress out of Europe. She has her co-workers on the floor. Sally will do anything just for the hell of it. Her favorite game is “Would You Rather?” Would you rather shit your pants in a movie theater while making out with a really hot guy who just asked you out, OR… Be forced to eat your best friend’s vomit after she’s been eating onion rings and burgers all day?! Despite these often vulgar “Would You Rather” scenarios, men fall all over themselves for her. Her happy nature and I don’t give a fuck attitude are refreshing and strangely alluring. Sally is hot, hot, hot, and she kind of knows it, but not really. That’s what keeps her so fly. She enjoys cruising from one boyfriend to the next, eating sushi, sampling exotic Chinese teas, and basically having a good time. Sally is where it’s at.
Jack Jones. Jack is a guy’s guy. He graduated from the University of Florida, baby!!! And you know he’s happy about that! The University of Florida has been ranked by numerous magazines and online polls as the top party college in the country. Hell yeah. Jack enjoys nothing more than kicking back at a party with a beer in his hand. He also does a mean keg stand. Try and beat him. Just try. Jack loves classic rock- put on Floyd and he’ll zone out for hours- but he’s just as happy listening to Maxwell. He’s a total white boy, but he scores sistas with surprising frequency. It’s hard to say what they fall for- it could be his extensive knowledge of Zimbabwean history (that was his major), or perhaps it’s the fact that he can bust a mean move on the dance floor- some white boys just got it! Yeah, Jack’s cool, man. Jack’s hella cool.
Lila Antoine. Lila is a dancer, a painter, and a maker of jewelry. She is married to a much older man who has whisked her away to live in his mansion in a far-away country. She has curly brown hair, and looks like an angel. She pads around in soft woolen socks, and has a penchant for wearing pink. Lila is fluent in five languages, though she thinks and dreams in English. She doesn’t have many responsibilities- her husband has provided for all of her needs- so she spends a lot of time curled up in front of the fire reading books. She loves anything by Eckhart Tolle, and can tell you the names of all of the important spiritual masters of the 20th century (she has a book on it!). She makes vegetable stews, and giggles spontaneously all the time. She stares at the stars and never misses home.
Ellie Levine. Ellie has a round face and a contagious smile. Her nose is upturned, kind of like Little Orphan Annie’s, and everything makes her laugh. She’ll order a huge salad and eat it all in one go, and then order a slice of apple pie, double a la mode. Ellie has been on a spiritual mission in Jerusalem for the last four months, but now she misses her boyfriend so much, and she can’t wait to go home. She wants to live with him, but she’s religious, you know, so that’s out of the question. She’d really like to marry him, but guys are funny about that, so she’ll just have to see what happens. Ellie wears knitted beanies and zips around on the back of motorbikes. She verges towards plump, but this just gives her a killer rack, which she generously displays for her adoring public. Ellie remembers the names of everyone she meets, and walks into any room like a breath of fresh air. She is like, the most popular girl in town. If she was a Hollywood star, she’d probably be a young Meg Ryan, though with that barely-subdued sensuality that she emanates, there is a discernible trace of Angelina Jolie. Naughty, naughty.
And what about that guy, that guy over there? The one who is slumped in a doorway… he’s wearing a torn denim jacket with a patch that says The Cure, and he’s skinny, and shivering in the cold. His arms are wrapped around his body, and his denim-clad knees are knocking together. And what’s that by his feet? It looks like a belt and a… a needle. There is a needle at his feet. And, oh god, now he’s frothing at the mouth! Holy shit, what’s wrong with that guy?! He’s freaking out!
What? What’s that you say? You say that’s Dwayne Lee? Oh, I see. No need to worry. He’s not in. He’s not part of the Happy People’s Club.
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