The Hunter's Guide to the Common House: A Satire on House Hunting

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When house hunting aim for the front door. It is often a vulnerable spot.
When house hunting aim for the front door. It is often a vulnerable spot.

The Sport

House hunting is a common American past time and is also common enough through the world as well that it is considered a spectator sport aired on TV daily by stations such as HGTV. Such stations air all parts of the process from stalking to the take down to the dressing of the house after the take down.

But while all of these things are well and good our purposes here today is to give you tips on the house hunting itself.

Finding the Prey

The common house is a very social creature and tends to run in herds. It is best to isolate your target and stalk it. To help in the location of such weaker prey you can utilize resources such as hunting guides called real estate agents or realtors. If you wish to locate prey on your own you can use websites like zillow.com, trulia.com or realtor.com. Be warned that such website tend to be a little out of date as such prey moves quickly. You can also travel in random search patterns looking for signs of weak prey, but the last two options are far less efficient if you really want to make take down quickly. The hunting guides called realtors are the most effective way to find your prey quickly.

Be careful about using the phrase "Fixer upper". If used too often the common house will shrivel and die like the one above.
Be careful about using the phrase "Fixer upper". If used too often the common house will shrivel and die like the one above.

How to Stalk

Since the house is a rather dumb, trusting and vain creature your ideal means of disabling it is by close inspection. Sooth the creature by initially complimenting it and pointing out nice or beautiful things about it. Once you are close enough during the inspection point out little problems here and there in a disapproving tone. It makes it feel bad and disables it for an easier take down. Of course if you find a big problem, saying the words "fixer upper" very loudly tends to stun if for long periods. Be warned that excessive uses of that phrase can cause the house to shrivel and die. Some experts think this is caused by neglect while others feel it is an unexplainable phenomena.

The Ideal Prey

The ideal prey have special names or terms for them. Such prey are in high demand. Short Sales are highly prized and sought after but do take longer to stalk and take down than the standerd house. Foreclosures, on the other hand, are more highly prized and easier to bag which means they tend to go extinct quickly. This would be a problem except that the evolutionary process in common house ecosystem - also called the Housing Market- is very fast at creating more, although the ecosystem's speed of generation depends on the climate of said ecosystem.

The Take Down

The weapon of choice for taking down the common house is called a Mortgage and can only be had through loan companies called a mortgage companies or through banks. The best weapon is Cold Hard Cash, which is highly effective in a take down. In either case, the hunting process that results in the take down has a special named called Escrow. The take down process takes time so be patient. This is also why having a real estate agent is helpful.

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Comments 3 comments

S E S  5 years ago

Very funny stuff!!!! :)


Ghost32 5 years ago

Amazing. Fifty different places of residence during my adult lifetime, and not once did I ever come up with the concept of "house as prey".

Met a few real estate agents and morgtgage bankers I wouldn't have minded disabling along the way, though.


ibbarkingmad profile image

ibbarkingmad 5 years ago from Utah Author

The inspiration came from a text conversation between my wife and her friend KT. Their conversations get kind of literal at times.

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