The Jagermeister Challenge

The Jagermeister Challenge was engineered by me while I was on my office computer trying to find out what a "Cleveland Steamer" was. (FYI it has nothing to do with trains.) The challenge works like this. Take a shot of Jagermeister right before you leave for work in the morning. As soon as you get to work do another shot. Then do 1 shot every hour on the hour. The "Challenge" is to see if you can do all 10 shots and get home without being fired or in my case make it through lunch without challenging the Fed Ex driver to a duel.

Here is a tip to get you through the challenge. Unless you work at a strip club or in the state of Louisiana you probably are not supposed to bring hard liquor to work. Hide the Jagermeister by pouring it into an empty bottle of cough syrup. The "illness" guise will also help explain the numerous trips to the bathroom. Your co-workers will think you are suffering from diarrhea, but in reality you are getting frat house drunk on the job for no better reason than because you read about on the Internet.

On the Challenges test run the Jagermeister didn't really bother me until around 10:30 in the morning. I was already staggering a little bit so from then on instead of walking anywhere I just rolled my chair around the office. By noon my chair had tassels and a horn and I was wearing a helmet. The courier thought I was retarded and gave me a dollar. By 2 o'clock I had started my own office chair basketball league. We used a trash can as the basket until I threw up in it. At 3 o'clock I got fired.

I remember waiting for the elevator because I was yelling at it for being lazy. When I stepped in the only other person there was this girl I use to date. She had recently broken up with me when she found out I was not an astronaut. I met her at speed dating and had written "astronaut" on my name tag. I think she figured out I had never been to space a few weeks later when she saw my other name tag that said "Ask Me About Free Checking!"

This was the first time I had seen Space Girl since she dumped me. I wanted to impress her with a witty comment or a relevant observation. Instead I just farted. I farted long and I farted loud. It had the perfect pitch to it like when fat people fart in movies. I turned to Space Girl.

"That's how we do it on the shuttle."

The awkward silence was broken by the ding of the elevator stopping at the ground floor. She sprinted off the elevator and I started laughing out loud. My hysterics brought to my attention another problem. What I thought was a mere fart turned out to be remnants of a tuna sandwich and a handful of jalapeno chips. I had shat myself.

With a river of dung flowing down my left leg and into my sock I staggered to the bus stop to go home. A stranger sitting there asked me if I had lost a gravy fight. On the bus I had two recurring thoughts. One was that I didn't remember eating corn. The other was that The Jagermeister Challenge had beaten me. I am determined to try it again however. Just as soon as I find another job.

Bixbie74@yahoo.com

Bring Extra Pants

Comments 24 comments

no mo obomo 7 years ago

I knew that you were a Senator.

Glad to hear you've left politicks


Bo Bixbie profile image

Bo Bixbie 7 years ago from Mid-West Author

no mo that's awesome. cracked me up!


Adam B 7 years ago

Another great hub...I will actually participate in this challenge when I decide to quit my fucking day job.


Melville Treliving 7 years ago

I love Jager, makes for great anal sex later...


Bo Bixbie profile image

Bo Bixbie 7 years ago from Mid-West Author

Melville you are deprived and morally bankrupt. Where can I subscribe to your newsletter?


igmuhota 7 years ago from Connecticut

OK, so I randomly ended up here, being redirected from some state's Craigslist Rants and Raves page...

With that out of the way, I want to SINCERELY suggest you consider a career in writing. I haven't laughed so hard in months! Honestly, if you aren't writing for a living, you're screwing yourself and a lot of other people. If you want to apply for The Daily Show, The Onion, or the like, you can use me as a reference.

Now write some more so I can get some use out of whatever I just signed up for!

Peace.


Bo Bixbie profile image

Bo Bixbie 7 years ago from Mid-West Author

igmuhota

Thanks for the compliment. I would love to write for a living. If I can get enough people to view my stories here maybe I can branch out. Glad you stopped by. I hope to have something new to write about this weekend.


sneakorocksolid 7 years ago

Whoa Bo! That was amazing! I've been consumed with torturing cross dressers, gays and liberals. Now I'm gonna have to read more, see what you've done!(they only call me names anyway) A work of art, keep it up!Peace.


BrianFanslau profile image

BrianFanslau 7 years ago from Eagan, MN

OMG I had done this challenge last year but it was company mandated believe it our not we got shots for a day on the hour every hour we worked :)


jerry 7 years ago

dude i was eating a bowl of coco krispies while i was reading your jagermeister story- i laughed so hard when you shad your self i blew krispies out my nose and almost choked to death--but you know what it was worth it --thats some funny shit--keep drinking


homewardbound profile image

homewardbound 7 years ago from Redneckville, TN

Funny Bo, but I didn't get the line about the corn.


homewardbound profile image

homewardbound 7 years ago from Redneckville, TN

Wait, I take that back, not only did you eat a tuna sandwich and jalepeno chips, you must have eaten corn too. It's late, I was a little slow on the uptake there sorry. Even funnier now.


Cls1321 profile image

Cls1321 7 years ago

lol... I laughed out loud at the "I shat myself" line ... makes me feel so immature but that's the part that really made me laugh.


Bo Bixbie profile image

Bo Bixbie 7 years ago from Mid-West Author

jerry

that's awesome. When you said "coco krispies" I was fully expecting a shit joke, but I got a laugh out of the comment either way! Thanks for reading.

Homeward & Cls1321

I usually try to mix a touch of intelligent writing in with my poop jokes, although I'm not sure if I accomplished that goal with this particular piece! Thanks for the comments and reading my hub!


justme 7 years ago

"THAT'S HOW WE DO IT ON THE SHUTTLE".....gets me everytime lol. Thanks for a great laugh on a saturday morning.


barryrevell 7 years ago


Massage09 profile image

Massage09 7 years ago

That was AWESOME! I usually don't laugh at other people's hubs or blogs much, maybe a chuckle or two. But I laughed so hard I started to cry!! TOO FUNNY!!! That was great, thanks for the laughs.


blahmeister 7 years ago

blah, blah, blah, one more jagermeister story. There are too many of them around. Here, there, in the movies, everywhere. Sounds like they have a marketing campaign going on


kds 7 years ago

Some of the funniest stuff I ever read. Keep it coming.


Chuck 6 years ago

Bro,

you can write...

I laughed, loud and often.

was compelled to read the other links... first hooker, family gathering, dora's dump gold digging. Most excellent.

you're no poser.

Send this work, and more if you've got it to someone... anyone and get yourself out there.

you've got a voice...


Carmen Borthwick profile image

Carmen Borthwick 6 years ago from Maple Ridge, B.C.

OMG, I could so see one of my son's faces as I read this. How old are you? Wait a minute... are you a guy or a woman with a wicked way with words making fun of guys? Great hub. Look what you did, you made me laugh so hard I hit the button twice!


Carmen Borthwick profile image

Carmen Borthwick 6 years ago from Maple Ridge, B.C.

OMG, I could so see one of my son's faces as I read this. How old are you? Wait a minute... are you a guy or a woman with a wicked way with words making fun of guys?


Hollanda profile image

Hollanda 5 years ago

Oh THAT is BRILLIANT!!!!!!


Tony Baffo 4 years ago

Delaney Boling = Bo Bixbie. Just put it all in one place. Why the pen name?!

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