The Jedi Wizard of the Ozzfest Rings : Part 4
Part 1 of our little tale begins at this link in case you missed the start. Head back down the Yellow Brick Road
The Jedi Wizard of the Ozzfest Rings : Part 4
Our happy gang finally enter the hallowed halls of the Paradise City and meet the famous Wizard of Oz.
The words 'Paradise City Welcomes Careful Drivers' emblazoned the sign as Zakk roared past at 100 miles an hour with an empty tequila pitcher jammed on his head.
R2 came up close behind with C3 shaking in bits on pillion behind him and with Bob's behind protruding from outside of the side-car, his muffled groans of "Me arse" were drowned out by the engines of the bikes.
"Paradise City!!" proclaimed Zakk as they reached the city gates and switched off their engines. He walked over to the side-car and knocked on the body
'Thunk Thunk!! ,
"Ooohhh!!!!" came the sound from inside,
"There's some kinda strong emanation round here, Ah think he's chucked up in there" said Zakk "An ah thought the Irish could hold their liquor. What a pussy"
The group eyed the city in the twilight in wonderment and awe, it was huge, like nothing they had ever imagined, massive buildings shaped like guitars, a Stratocaster Dreamland, others seemed like gigantic stereo speakers and glittering lights and laser beams lit up the sky.
From inside they could hear the blistering riffs of Classic Rock music which provided a pounding soundtrack to this ethereal vision before their disbelieving eyes.
"Wow!!!" said Amy
"Ooohhh!!" groaned Bob, "What an unholy racket, me heads rattlin like castanets in a shite pail!!"
Zakk banged on the gate and the door-hatch opened to reveal a guard in bright ceremonial military attire complete with feather plume.
"What do you want?" the guard demanded sharply,
"I want you to open the goddam door of this gate" Zakk replied "We're here for the festival"
"Where's your wristbands then?" barked the guard impatiently,,
"Where's you gonads mister?, cos ah'm gonna rip'em off an hang em from a Christmas tree if you don't let us in"
"No wristbands, no entry" insisted the guard,
Zakk grabbed him by the throat almost pulling him through the hatch and severely rupturing his epaulettes.
"Listen you overdressed, transvestite, concierge, chicken-stuffer, ah'm Zakk Wylde, by name and nature, half-Irish, half-German an halfway to tearin you a new asshole. Ah don't need no girlie wristband, now get this door open before I push that feather so far up your ass you'll be tickling your goddam teeth for eternity"
"Since you put it like that" the guard relented.
They all walked through as he opened the door, "Bloody Yanks think they own the place" he muttered under his breath "I don't get paid enough for this. I'd get less hassle working a Millwall game"
The streets were thronged with a teeming crowd of metalheads fervently enjoying the build up to this years Ozzfest. Drinking, singing, dancing and head-banging to their favourite Rock tunes. Zakk took our adventurers in the direction of the festival site and on their way they saw the streets lined with stalls selling everything from clothing to jewellery, food, drink and assorted goodies.
Exotic products such as 'Feel the Wiz!' herbal poppers, t-shirts emblazoned with slogans like 'Elves Bells', 'Metal Munchkin Mad' and 'Goblin Girls Are Better'. Amy spotted an Ooompa Loompa stand selling Wonka Bars, M&M's and free tubs of yoghurt on promotion. She gave it a wide berth.
"So this is where the Wizard of Oz lives" she said "It's incredible"
"Yup!!" answered Zakk,
Then above them in the sky what seemed like a guided missile shot across the cityscape trailing smoke in its wake. "Aah Haaahhh!!! came a scream. It was the Wicked Witch of the West on her supersonic broomstick.
"Give me Amy Winehouse!!" she screamed, "Give me Winehouse!!" For added effect she wrote the words "Surrender Amy" in thick black smoke in the sky.
"There goes the ozone layer" said Bob
"You can't hide from me! Amy" continued the witch, "I'll get you, I'll get you, wherever you are!"
The crowds gazed in astonishment at this hideous aerial display, "Amazing" some said, "Far out man!" said others, "What's happening", "Who's that", "What's going on?", "Who's Amy?", "How the bloody hell should I know?" said even more others.
It was the talk of the streets.
"C'mon you guys, forget about her" said Zakk as the smoke trail disappeared off into the sky,
"We're almost at the festival site" he continued, "Just a few more minutes"
They headed off and soon entered the vast empty arena and walked forward towards the Main Stage in trepidation.
The moment they had been waiting for had finally arrived.
"OYYY!!!!, WHO GOW's THERE?", boomed a voice in a broad Brummie accent.
"Ozzy Man, it’s me, Zakk, ah got here at last and brought me some friends along",
At this a huge green face appeared on the stage screens. It was indeed the Wizard of Oz.
"It's yow then Zakk, and where the bleedin 'ell have yow bin? I've bin waiting on yow for ages Man. This festival is a fookin nightmare, everything's goin' tits up and no mistake"
"Whassup Ozzy?" asked Zakk.
The Wizard continued......
"Everything's up, that's what. That idiot Bruce Dickinson's got 'imself lost flying his stupid aeroplane so the Irons are shittin themselves he won’t make the gig, someone put laughing gas in Axl's oxygen tank so he's not a happy bunny and Dave Lee Roth's pissed off cos somebody's nicked all their M&M's. Apart from all that hassle I think that booger Harvey Goldsmith's rippin me off for cash on the internet rights and merchandising for this gig"
"Well ya know ah'll do anything ah can to help you dude" offered Zakk
"Cheers mate" said Ozzy, "Yow're a real pal, but I wish I had me Sharon back, she'd sort all this mess out, I can't even work the TV remote never mind run this bloody thing, where's me Sharon?"
"Listen Ozzy, my friends here need some help too, so they came all this way to see if ya could do anything for them"
"Ahhh booger!! more bloody trouble, what the fook d'yall want then?"
Amy said "I wanna go back to Camden"
Bob said "I want to help the starving"
C3PO said "And I would like to serve at your court"
"And what does Dusty Bin 'ere want?" asked the Wizard,
"Oh he's just along for the ride" said Zakk
Pheeeeoooowwwwwwwwww!!!! protested R2.
"Is that Geldof by the way?" asked the Wizard "It is isn't it?" Well you can get lost for a start. You never wanted us at 'Live 8' and now you come runnin to me for 'elp. Why don't yow ask your bloody bumchums Bono and Sting, they got enough cash to spend. Even the Queen invited me to sing for her at Buckingham Palace and she won't know sod all about Black Sabbath. Me dog shagged one of her corgi's yow know, we might even have some royal lineage in the family. So piss off Geldof!!"
"Oh don't be like that Ozzy" pleaded Bob,
"I'll be anyway I bleedin want, cos I'm the Wizard of fookin Oz, and don't yow call me Ozzy yow shabby oversized Irish gonk"
The Wizard sighed heavily,
"Ohhh!! I can't cope with all this. I'm so depressed. I want me Sharon, get us me Sharon!!! .........That's it!! That's it!!" He shouted "Yow all get me Sharon back and I'll grant any wish that y'all want, yow do that for me an I'll sort everythin out for yow, yeah that's it"
"I knew there would be a catch" sighed Amy
"Now!! Gerroutofit!! Yeah! the lot of ya and don't come back till yow've got me Sharon. I want me Sharonnn!!!!!!
With this final entreaty, plumes of smoke and balls of flame spewed forth as the Head of Pyrotechnics was testing the stage effects. Our rejected heroes ran in fear and terror from the arena.
"Hey hold on there, dudes" Zakk shouted after them "He don't mean no harm"
He turned back to the screens "Gotta go, Ozzy man, think ah'll need ta help these folks, they're kinda lost"
"Owkay Zakk, sorry for losin me temper there mate"
"No problem dude" said Zakk,
"I miss yow man" sighed Ozzy. "Wish you would come back to me band"
"Miss you too good buddy" said Zakk "But I gotta play ma own music now"
"Oh! I'm so depressed"
"Hang in there" Said Zakk "We''ll get her back for ya"
"Your a real pal mate" said Ozzy.
The group went to a nearby bar to chill out and think things over.
"Let's drop a coupla cool ones and chew us some fat" Zakk suggested.
They all sat and pondered what to do next.
"Who is this Sharon character then? asked Bob
"It's his wife" explained Zakk "She turned into a witch"
Before Bob could make the obvious comment, Amy jumped up;
"The Wicked Witch of the West!!" she exclaimed "Of course!! That guy Brandybuck told us about her"
"Yeah! That's right" Zakk confirmed "Ozzy's kinda lost without her, but he had to get her to leave, couldn't handle her no more since she turned green......."
"Oi thought they'd make a perfect couple then" quipped Bob
Zakk continued unabashed "...... so he separated from her Man, on them grounds of intolerable cruelty kinda thing"
"I would venture to say sir, that there is a paucity of tolerably un-cruel witches in the world" said C3
"Ah know dude" Zakk agreed "But ah like 'em mean and dirty, ya know what ah'm sayin, Harr Harr Harr!!"
"Nope!" said Zakk "There's only one thing for it. We're gonna have to go to the Witches Castle and bring her back here whether she likes it or not. We gotta save this festival Man, cos it's goin down the tubes"
"Ohhh Jaysus" groaned Bob, "Them feckin monkeys"
- The Jedi Wizard of the Ozzfest Rings : Part 5
The dreadful trip to the Witches castle where more danger awaits our gallant crew.
More by this Author
The ridiculously true story of the patron saint of Glasgow. St Mungo's miracles in full. Plus the invasion of the Vikings and lots of Kingly doings afoot in old Scotland.
There's been a murder. Read about the graverobbers and the Glasgow Frankenstein of 1818. How did the Kelvin temperature scale get its name? Celebrity hangings and poisoned lovers, Queen Victoria and Charles Rennie...
A virtual tour around one of the great Italian Lakes. One of the best you will find online. Detailed, informal and humorous, it summarises the best resorts on Lake Garda from someone who has lived there and enjoyed its...
No comments yet.