The Malaprop Book Review...

mal·a·prop·ism

[mal-uh-prop-iz-uhm] noun 1.an act or habit of misusing words ridiculously, especially by the confusion of words that are similar in sound.

Oh yes, I read all of these...
Oh yes, I read all of these...

I am well read and was born in the land of Shakespear(e) (to e or not to e, that is the first question...) so I am ominously qualified to be a book reviewer. This is my first attempt at being a literal person, but following the success of my film hub, which I must say met with great critical acclaim, (I was criticized a great deal), but having earned six cents on adsense, and thus my best hub to date, I will solder on...

The first book, a classic by June Austen is called Prayed and Prejudice. Frankly this is a very dull book indeed. Everyone who is a girl is very silly. Everyone who is a man has a price tag. The price tag is talked about in code, as in, "he is settled in the sum of ten pounds a year." Which means he has a dead person who gives him money. The silly girls try to dance with the person with the biggest settlement, but this involves organizing a party, which is absolutely the hardest thing in the world to do. There is very little praying, but the book is very prejudiced as it contains not one single person of color, well at least up to page sixty five, which is as far as I could go without screaming.

There are many books of this type, including Jane’s Hair and Withering Hypes, but I can’t review them due to my being the wrong gender.

I needed a change of pace and read a very famous children's book by Maurice Sendback, called, Where The Mild Things Are. Given the title, I was a bit surprised to see monsters and stuff, and Max seemed kinda moody, but it is very good according to the little people I know. (They also gave me a copy of their, Here's Waldo book, but it had no words in it, and an arrow, drawn in purple crayon, on every page, so, not really the mystery it was touted as. The much-vaunted Waldo finds Carmen Sandiego follow up, should be a smash hit.)

The DaVinci Comb

This is a riveting read as Tom Hanks rushes all over Paris trying to find the people who wrote on the back of a famous painting. If you go to the Louvre (which is an art gallery, not a window dressing) do not write on the back (or front) of any of their paintings, the guards will kill you. Anyway in this search for the descendants of Jesus who love to play word games and puzzles, Tom has a bad hair day (best seen in the movie, the book does not really talk about it) necessitating the using of a comb that actually makes it worse.


The Ladies Number One Defective Agency

This…book…is…very…slow…and…very…proper…with…everyone…using…all…of…their…very…long…names…comprising…of…all…the…vowels…and…syllables…(twice)…Precious…needs…a…mechanic.

They…are…all…defective.

The Bitches of Eastwick

Wow, these ladies go to extreme lengths to get back at each other. The recipes should not be copied, as eye of newt really tastes as bad as you think it would.

The Russia Mouse

I love spy stories, but this Le Carre classic goes in a new and unexpected direction. Rather than the traditional mole, which is usually a bad guy in a costume, the protagonist here is the aforementioned mouse. The mouse is really James Bond hiding behind a beard who falls in love with a beautiful Russian woman who is in love with a dissident writer. It has a happy ending. There is cheese.

Lady Chatterley’s Mother

I had heard all sorts of good things about this book. Raunchy, racy, and sexy, were all words my friends used, as apparently Lady Chatterley, who is not getting any, comes across a gardener by chance…This is not that book. Lady Chatterley’s mother, also called Lady Chatterley, is a whole other story. She did get some, and the result was the baby lady. There are no rude bits. It is excruciatingly boring.

The Pound of the Baskervilles

This is not one of Conan Doyle’s better mysteries. Mrs. Baskerville is walking across a fog-bound moor when she looses a pound note. The problem is discovered as she tries to pay for her groceries and comes up short. Sherlock Holmes is informed, but he gets all snotty with Dr. What’s On and says, “I don’t leave the house for less than ten pounds, call me back if she looses her dog or something…”

Animal Form

George Orwell wrote this book in 1984 as a satire on the state of government bureaucracy. A whole bunch of animals that had formerly taken over a smallholding in the name of socialism, are trying to get tax exemption from the local city council. The city won’t recognize hoofprints as a signature unless it is accompanied by an affidavit as stated on form FU 324678-34y. The hilarity ensues as the chickens try to fill out the paperwork, and the taxman falls head first into the pig sty.

The Lord Of The Wrings

There are three and a half books in this saga of a little guy with hairy feet going through ever increasingly difficult challenges. He finds a creepy little guy called precious, who is hiding something and speaks in riddles. They go on a quest to find Grand Alf, and have to fight the guy, called Sour One, and his army of creatures made of mud. The quest really takes it out of Bilious Baggins, thus the reference to going through the wringer in the title. The half a book is way more fun than the other three.

Warning:

Do not use these reviews as a book report as you will be accused of philatilism and no writer likes to be called a stamp collector...

Dear Hub Reader


If you enjoy this hub, please check out my book,

Homo Domesticus; A Life Interrupted By Housework,

A collection of my best writings woven into a narrative on a very strange year in my life.

Available directly from:

http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/homo-domesticus/12217500

Chris


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Comments 20 comments

Geekette_Mom profile image

Geekette_Mom 5 years ago

I loved this! I've read some of these books, and that just added to the hilarity. Well done indeed.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Geekette Mom,

Welcome to my affliction, glad I could give you a bit of a laugh!

C


Jane Bovary profile image

Jane Bovary 5 years ago from The Fatal Shore

Hahaha..I love "Animal Form"...actually they're all hilarious. Guess you've read "My Damn Ovary" by Gustave Flaubert?


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Funny, funny, funny. loved it.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Jane,

I have yet to read that classic. Should I read it in it's original French? So often something is lost in translation....

C


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

AustinStar,

Knowing how busy you have been with hubs and blood and all, I'm very happy that you took the time to read and comment,

C


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana

This was wonderful and oh so useful for homeschooling purposes.

I know this wasn't a complete list of the classics as you seem to be missing The Counting of Monte's Crisco, one of my all time favorites!

In this well written article, however, Lord of the Wrings tops my "I want to read it!" list. Hairy feet, who doesn't love that? Creepy and precious in the same sentence... awesome! Plus, I hate reading a series that ends after 3 books, that extra 1/2 is the little something that pushed it up to the top!

Thank you for the great information! I wish we'd have had awesome reviewers like you when I worked at the local library. I'm sure our circulation would have gone WAY up!!!

I ran across all the buttons even though I don't usually do so for less than 10 pounds!


Lady Wordsmith profile image

Lady Wordsmith 5 years ago from Lancaster, UK

Chris,

Once again you have made me cry with laughter! This is so very, very funny.

More please :D

Linda.


LuisEGonzalez profile image

LuisEGonzalez 5 years ago from Miami, Florida

Oh God I have been reading this and laughing all the way. Your titles are just as funny as your reviews..LOL

Thanks and keep posting.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Sue,

Need to check on that Count book, looks appetizing. I'm not sure if you can use anything I say as home school material. The therapy costs alone would make that prohibitive.

Question. Did you manage to stay quiet when you worked in the Library? I am having a hard time imagining that...

Thanks for going all button happy on me....

C


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Linda,

My mom says I have to say I'm sorry for making you cry, so...

Sorry...

Glad I can tickle your funny bone...

C


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Luis,

Great to hear from you, thanks for leaving a comment and the follow, all very much appreciated,

C


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana

Believe it or not, Chris, I would get so mesmerized by the books I would forget to speak! However, I did have the patron's and co-workers cracking up when I was on the circulation desk! (And YES, I did get reprimanded...oops!)


mysterylady 89 profile image

mysterylady 89 5 years ago from Florida

I think you should have added a review of "The Rivals" by Sheridan, the play that gave us the word! Just kidding! Your titles and reviews are priceless.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Ah, the lovely Mrs. Malaprop, where would I be without her...

C


mysterylady 89 profile image

mysterylady 89 5 years ago from Florida

Chris, I have become retarded! I cannot remember how to link my hubs to my latest. Any suggestions?


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

ML 89

You can connect them in "groups" or you can add in the URL in the "Link" drop down menu.

C


attemptedhumour profile image

attemptedhumour 5 years ago from Australia

You've been drinking too much of that coffee again.

I've only read Animal form and the lord of the Wrings, well one or two other books too of course. The Dandy, The Beano and that one with brilliant genius in it. Not you, the other brilliant genius, with a football. But you being a bit of a clever clogs, you may not of red it.

Anyway great bastardisation of our wonderful language, i'm sure your old teachers would love to say. "We told you so."


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Keith,

Fortunately I think most of them are dead. Too many ciggies...

C


attemptedhumour profile image

attemptedhumour 5 years ago from Australia

Best place for the old fogies.

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