The Most Inappropriate School Talent Show Acts of All Time (humor)

Not you run-of-the-mill school talent show act.
Not you run-of-the-mill school talent show act. | Source

Talent show ideas that are lots of fun... maybe.

If you want to be in the talent show spotlight, finding the just the right act is important because it’s your big chance to show off in front of the whole school, church, office or camp. Let’s face it: if you’re the chubby chess club nerd at school who, it turns out, can shred it up on the electric guitar like Jack White, your “cool quotient” is going to shoot up exponentially. You might even impress a few ladies.

But what if you don’t give a rat’s ass about being cool and would rather just tell your peers to go to hell? Or perhaps you dream of shock value. If you want to see the principal’s jaw drop, or drink in the sweet sound of a stunned audience gasping in unison, one of these acts just might be the act for you. These talent show acts are completely inappropriate for a school, church, camp or business setting. Chances are you’ll never even make it through the audition process, but hey, you never know. You could always audition with a different, safe act, then surprise everyone with one of these when the curtain goes up for the real show.

9-year-old Pole Dancer

Pole Dancing

Dancing is a school talent show staple, but I bet the principal has never seen a dance like this before. Well, he probably has, but not by a nine-year-old girl on his elementary school’s stage. Little girls love to dance, and while Abby Lee Miller, her “Dance Moms” girls and their trashy mothers might think pole dancing is perfectly darling, it’s doubtful your school principal will. This act is completely inappropriate, especially for young girls, but is guaranteed to have everyone talking. This one requires investing in a skimpy, glitzy costume and a stripper pole, but the dumbfounded reaction from the audience will be well worth it. Hopefully you didn’t learn this talent from watching your mom every night.

Taxidermy

These guys are just begging to be shown off. I love the bullet holes in the heads, lol.
These guys are just begging to be shown off. I love the bullet holes in the heads, lol. | Source

Taxidermy

Dead animals, blood, guts -- need I say more? Taxidermy is a very cool skill, and no doubt you’ll be the only one performing it, unlike all those little girls attempting to screech out the same sappy Taylor Swift song. Right before their eyes, the audience will watch in wonder as you take a dead animal and preserve it forever as a piece of art. Or something. I guess it is art. Nature’s art. Yeah, that’s it. Nature’s dead animal art. Perfect.

Scar Show-off

Scar Show-off

Do you have numerous scars as a result of surgeries, fist fights, car wrecks, sports injuries or self-mutilation? If so, you’re a walking talent show act! This one is great, because people won’t want to look but won’t be able to help themselves. You’ll hear all kinds of shrieks and groans. It’ll be great. Wear loose clothing that you allows you to easily expose each scar. You stand stoic and silent as you proudly reveal each beautiful injury, or you can grab the mic and give a little history on each one. For example, you could throw in a gruesome anecdote or two about the horrors of your accidental fencepost impalement, or you you could describe the series of events that led to your best friend gouging your eye out with a butter knife. If you have any recent open wounds, throw them in as well. Bloody bandage reveals are awesome stuff. I call it entertainment.

Waxing

Waxing

A beautifully arched brow or a shiny manscaped chest are lovely sights to behold. Wouldn’t it be even lovelier to allow the audience to observe the process that got the smooth, hair-free skin that way? While it’s safe to say there is something about the sound of hair being ripped from the skin that might put people off, don’t let that worry you. Bring a preselected friend, if you like, or choose an unsuspecting hairy-chested dude from the audience. Audience participation acts are always the most fun.

You might need to enlist the aid of a helper to hold the microphone close to the volunteer's body hair and skin, so even those audience members sitting way in the back can experience that unforgettable ripping sound.

Friends Perform Surgery

Surgery

Whether you’re a trained medical school graduate or surgery is just a hobby you like to fool around with in your spare time, surgery as an entertainment act is likely to cause quite a stir. If you can put up with the whiners and complainers who are too sissified to make it through a little blood and guts, your act will be the talk of the town. Bring along a sick friend -- one who needs something small and routine, perhaps a quick appendectomy. Breast augmentation is always a crowd pleaser. Surgery is fascinating, really. It’s science. Who wouldn’t be drawn in and completely spellbound?

If you’re not comfortable performing surgery on stage before a crowd, consider tooth extraction (see below). It’s quicker, easier, and if you have a videographer-friend to help you, you can project close-up views onto a screen just like at a rock concert. That creepy suction sounds will add dimension to your act, and the patient spitting bloody goo into a bowl will add to the disgusting factor.

Cow Vomits Milk

Vomiting

I like the way this guy in the video dressed in a cow costume, made a dramatic presentation of the jug of milk, and even had background music. I think he intended to show off his prowess at chugging milk. However, the show he put on had a bonus – gushing vomit. Imagine the audience reaction when you do the same in their direction. On second thought, they would probably prefer that you have a bucket on hand. Just don’t bury your face in the bucket. Be sure to hold the bucket far enough away from your mouth so that everyone see exactly what you’re doing and enjoy the scenery.

7-year-old Tattoo Artist

Tattooing

While the artwork of an intricate tattoo is definitely something worth appreciating, it’s probably not what the youth minister or school principal had in mind when they permitted the staff to work with the kids to put on a talent show. Still, there’s no denying that if you can draw a big-busted mermaid on someone’s arm with a needle full of hot ink, you’ve got talent. Simply pluck a willing volunteer from the audience and have at it. If you're handy with piercings, go ahead and throw in a tongue or an eyebrow piercing. The audience will be spellbound.

You'll probably need to bring your own supplies, though, unless your school is a part of the prison system. In that case the art department probably has tattooing equipment you can borrow.

Tooth Extraction -- with bonus jiggling cleavage!

Tooth Extraction

If you think you might have a tough time finding a willing volunteer for surgery, waxing or tattooing, you can always grab a pair of pliers and pull out your own teeth. If you're a well endowed female, like the girl in the video, go ahead and wear a low-cut dress like she did. The audience will be enthralled as they simultaneously watch your boobs jiggle and your teeth wiggle.

This is a very easy act to throw together because the only equipment you need is a sexy top and a pair of pliers. Have a friend video your performance, and you might even find that you've become an overnight YouTube sensation.

Need some REAL talent show ideas?

Check out these articles for lots of great talent show ideas that won't get you kicked out of school.

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Comments 26 comments

Randy Godwin profile image

Randy Godwin 3 years ago from Southern Georgia

lol! S&F. Very...er...educational. :p


SmartAndFun profile image

SmartAndFun 3 years ago from Texas Author

Ha, Randy! Glad you got something out of it! Thanks for reading! :)


biancaalice profile image

biancaalice 3 years ago from Southern California

Omg! I can't believe kids to some of that stuff. That's crazy and some were gross. Interesting read!


SmartAndFun profile image

SmartAndFun 3 years ago from Texas Author

Thanks biancaalice! This was a fun one to write! I hope no kids take me seriously, lol. Thanks for reading!


justateacher profile image

justateacher 3 years ago from Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Near Oz...

Hmmmm.our talent show is coming up...perhaps I need to invest.in stripper pole...or pair of pliers...or both!


SmartAndFun profile image

SmartAndFun 3 years ago from Texas Author

Justateacher, Heh heh...OF COURSE you should! I would pay good money to see that show, and looks on all of the parents' faces! Thanks for reading and commenting!


tirelesstraveler profile image

tirelesstraveler 3 years ago from California

They certainly aren't teaching math and English in some schools. LOL


SmartAndFun profile image

SmartAndFun 3 years ago from Texas Author

Well, these are just ideas out of my twisted head that I thought would be funny. Hopefully none of these have actually been performed in schools, especially by kids. Well, the milk vomiting was, but it was an accident... I think. Thanks for reading and commenting, tt. I appreciate it!


sparkleyfinger profile image

sparkleyfinger 3 years ago from Glasgow

I was shocked at the 9 year old pole dancer. I mean, really. What parent would want their child to do that :O And she's quite advanced! How long has she been doing it?!?


mercuryservices profile image

mercuryservices 3 years ago from Honolulu, Hawaii

How many talent show participants are willing to rip out their own teeth or know how to perform a surgery (and can find a willing person to operate on)? I feel like I would go to more talent shows if there was an abundance of this going on.


SmartAndFun profile image

SmartAndFun 3 years ago from Texas Author

Oh yeah, I would get there early to see some of these things in a talent show! It would certainly liven things up a bit -- school talent shows can be such a snoozefest sometimes.


SmartAndFun profile image

SmartAndFun 3 years ago from Texas Author

The pole dancing! I know! No way would I let my little girl do that! Apparently it is a fitness craze and little girls are getting in on it. I agree that it looks difficult and would require lots of gymnastics skills, but the origins of this dance make it so.... icky.


Mel Carriere profile image

Mel Carriere 3 years ago from San Diego California

Pole dancing is the rage everywhere now, even as an exercise technique. I have seen entire businesses dedicated to it. They claim it is an innocent form of exercise, but would you really bring one of these ladies who participate in it home to meet your Mother? Let's just encourage our upcoming generation of teenagers to be strippers by offering it up at the high school talent show. That's a swell idea.


Shinkicker profile image

Shinkicker 3 years ago from Scotland

A forward-thinking document in progressive education. Blood and vomit aplenty. School should be fun.

Thanks for an etertaining read S&F

Voted up


SmartAndFun profile image

SmartAndFun 3 years ago from Texas Author

Mel and Shinkicker, I thought I approved your comments weeks ago! Looks like yet another user error on my part, LOL. Anyway, a belated thanks to both of you for reading and commenting. Hope you had a chuckle. Personally, I wouldn't want my kids to do any of these acts, but we would certainly be first in line to see a show like this! It would be some outrageous fun!


Sharkye11 profile image

Sharkye11 3 years ago from Oklahoma

Haha! These sound like ideas I would have tried. I hated the condescending goody-two show attitudes, and had a real Addams Family mind set. I would probably have gone in for the taxidermy, because I lived on a farm. Plenty of access to predators. Stuffing a rabid coyote is science, art and entertainment, right?

Fun hub, and hey, aren't those adults in charge ALWAYS trying to tell kids to be original? ;)


SmartAndFun profile image

SmartAndFun 3 years ago from Texas Author

LOL, Sharye11, I knew this article would appeal to a certain reader. Glad you had fun with it. I would love to see your taxidermy act sometime!


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 3 years ago from Baltimore, MD

I kind of wish I went to a talent show featuring everything on this list. Although I suppose that already exists... America's Got Talent is still on TV on a regular basis. ;-)


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

Before my sisters were old enough to be my playmates when we were children, I played with my brothers. I had to do all of the things they did to earn rights to join the "club." I shinnied up ropes, vines, trees, flag poles, goal poles, and even took a dare and climbed halfway up a telegram pole. The latter act would have gotten us the punishment of the century if we had been discovered.

Pole dancing? Woah! I have problems walking downstairs. Pole dancing the sleazy style is unfit for kids, but, if it is done like the acts of the gymnasts, it would be clean fun for them. I would hate to see poles get a bad name. :D

Interesting hub!


CraftytotheCore profile image

CraftytotheCore 3 years ago

I wish there was a hilarious vote choice. I had to settle for funny. Thank you for the good laugh!


SmartAndFun profile image

SmartAndFun 3 years ago from Texas Author

It would be hilarious to see little kids doing this stuff at school... heh heh. It would make the local news, that's for sure! :P


SmartAndFun profile image

SmartAndFun 3 years ago from Texas Author

Thanks for your reply! Sounds like you had lots of fun as a kid. I'm glad you didn't end up dancing on that pole! LOL!


SmartAndFun profile image

SmartAndFun 3 years ago from Texas Author

Thanks, Crafty! This one was fun to write! I just kept thinking about the audience reaction if any of this really happened. LOL!


Katie 2 years ago

ok the whole 9 year old pole dancing, pole dancing orignally was not a dirty dance, strippers just changed it to one, this girl was not trying to be inapropriate, pole dancing was orignally created for ballerinas and gymnastics people, but soon people started....well, you know. this girl must have been a gymnist, or at the very least a ballerina, most likley her intention was not to be dirty.


Korbyn 2 years ago

Omg I went to a Catholic school, and if we were stupid enough to do these, the principal, teachers, and audience would all spontaneously combust!! XD love the article!!


Vivian 16 months ago

Exactly what Katie said. Great fitness and I am sure this girl has never seen an erotic pole dance. Some of the gymnastic moves and poses are way more questionable. The 9 year old makes it look easy, but everything she executed is at a high level, props to her and her discipline.

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