The Origin of Faith: A Story of God, Religion and Hawt Cavechicks with Dirty Boobs

I’m going to tell you a story about faith. If you read it with prejudice, you’ll miss it all. Hopefully a few will make it to the end.

A Story:

Once upon a time there was a bunch of primitive people who were very dirty and had horrible B.O. They all lived independently of one another, scavenging and scraping out existences as best they could from the wilds. There were eight of them, three chicks and four dudes. One day they found each other by accident as they were walking around a forest. They were all tired from their individual efforts at finding food for themselves, building shelters, fending off lions and tigers single-handedly, having to do all the work of skinning carcasses and prepping hides to make fancy fur-lined underpants and all the other stuff they had to do living a singular existence.

Most of the images are courtesy of Lauren the awesome artist. "Thanks, Lauren!!!"
Most of the images are courtesy of Lauren the awesome artist. "Thanks, Lauren!!!"

So, there they were, all brought together by chance, tired and panting at the hardship of individual lives, and they decided to make a community. They divvied up tasks based on who was better at what, and pretty soon everyone had enough to eat, a nice wooden hut to live in and underwear that didn’t chafe or let your dangly parts hang out. It was great.

But then one night Tonduh, a particularly large and muscular primitive, woke up feeling a little randy. He decided to go see if Peggy, the hottest of the dirty girls, was in the mood to make mad monkey love. Because Tonduh was such a big sexy brute, and because Peggy had horrible hay fever that night thus blocking her sinuses and sparing her the rank fragrance of Tonduh’s foul pits, she acquiesced and the monkey frolicking began.

Tonduh woke up before dawn the next morning with a terrific hunger and went to the little village storage pit and took out all the wild cheerie-oats that Eustace had gathered and poured them into a bowl. Then he doused them with all of the possum milk Cletus had so tirelessly rustled up in his foraging for marsupials to milk. Tonduh and Peggy had quite a feast.

When everyone else woke up, several of them went to get breakfast, but, alas, it was gone.

“Hey, Tonduh,” said Cletus. “You drank all our possum milk. What’s up with that?”

“Yeah,” said Eustace, “You ate all our cheerie-oats too. WTF?”

Tonduh flexed his giant barbarous muscles and said to Cletus, “What are you going to do about it?”

Cletus, being much smaller, grimaced and said, “Nothing.”

Lice mean nothing when we're talking cleavage of this magnitude.
Lice mean nothing when we're talking cleavage of this magnitude.

Then Tonduh looked over at Eustace; her leopard skin nightgown was hanging open some and revealing her sumptuous, grime-encrusted primitive cleavage. “Say baby," he said, "you don’t have to worry your pretty little, lice-infested head over that. You come on over to my hut and we’ll share some with you.”

This is when Moe piped in, because he had a crush on Eustace and her dirty boobs. “Hey, you already have a woman.”

“Now I have two,” said Tonduh, flexing his muscles again. And sure enough, Eustace, very hungry, decided to go stand by Tonduh. She unfortunately did not have hay fever and her eyes began to water, but such was the price of survival.

Moe thought about taking Tonduh on. Moe wasn’t as strong as Tonduh, but he was pretty quick and figured he might be able to do okay if he picked up a stick or something. Moe was smart like that, always looking for an advantage.

Moe’s body was clearly tense as he considered this martial option, which prompted Pooftah, the village’s least burly male – but by far the best cook and tailor – to chime in lisping, “It’th okay Moe, I have thome therial I will share.”

Something about Pooftah made Moe uncomfortable, so he pulled his mammoth-hide pajamas closely about himself.

That’s when Stacy came out and saw what was going on and put her hands on her hips. “What’s all this?” she demanded. “Are you people really already messing up our system? It hasn’t even been a month. Do we really have to make rules?”

Tonduh walked over and hit her in the head, knocking her out, and dragged her back to his hut by the hair (cavemen always dragged their women by the hair rather than by the feet to prevent them filling up with dirt). Eustace and Peggy followed, although Eustace looked uncomfortable.

Yeah, you can tell this picture is by me. Lauren is so much better with MS Paint. She rules.
Yeah, you can tell this picture is by me. Lauren is so much better with MS Paint. She rules.

Moe looked as if he might take a step towards Tonduh’s hut, but Tonduh glanced out with his big, square face with its lumpy, muscular brow ridges and even brave Moe decided maybe that would be a bad idea. He slumped down on a fallen log and moaned.

“Tonduh is a dick. We need to do something about that.”

“We do,” agreed Cletus.

“Why?” said Pooftah. “Ith there thomething wrong?” He sat down next to Moe, who then slid a few feet further down the log. Pooftah slid after him. This chase continued to the end, and Moe ended up with wood in his ass.

Splinters from the log, obviously.

Well, the rest of the day was pretty messed up for Moe, and he sulked around while Cletus went out and tried to gather more possum milk. That night clouds rolled in, and as the villagers sat around shivering in the village center, Moe was grumbling about Tonduh who had all three chicks draped over him like buxom, dirty-boobed furs. Cletus was cold and upset at the situation too, and Pooftah kept offering to share body heat. All of this put Moe in a foul mood.

“This sucks,” said Moe.

“Mmmm, thucks,” giggled Pooftah.

“It does suck,” said Cletus. “I think I’m going to leave tomorrow morning. This village thing ain’t working out no more.”

“Don’t,” said Moe. “You’re our best milk harvester. I’ll figure something out.”

“You’re pretty smart, Moe, I’ll give you that, but you ain’t gonna take Tonduh down. No offense, but you ain’t gonna get us no food, and you ain’t gonna get us warm.”

All of a sudden a bolt of lightning came down and struck a pile of sticks nearby.

The dry wood burst into flames and the next thing you know, Cletus, Pooftah and Moe were warming their hands.

Moe, watching their contented faces, had a thought come to him, almost like a gift. “You see,” he said. “I told you I’d figure something out.”

They both looked askance at him. He nodded towards the fire.

“Woah, you did that?” said his two counter parts.

“Damn straight,” he said.

Did you miss that the first time?  :)
Did you miss that the first time? :)

Even Tonduh and the ladies seemed impressed. “How?” Tonduh asked, letting go his wimmins for a second to come check out the fire.

“I, uh,” stammered Moe, looking around for inspiration. “I, well, I called upon the, uh…” He spotted a wild dog skulking in the dark shadows just outside the firelight, and his eyebrows flew upwards on his brow. “You have invoked the wrath of GOD!” he said. (Moe was dyslexic and sometimes, even when he wasn’t reading, he did stuff like that.)

“Really?” said Tonduh.

The sky flared with light and thunder rattled the night. Moe grinned. “Really,” he said.

Eustace came over and put her arm around him. “Want some cheerie-oats?” she said.

Cletus and Pooftah were on the ground before Moe, scraping and obsequious.

“Dude,” said Tonduh looking troubled. Moe couldn’t tell if Tonduh was going to grovel beside the others or punch him in the face. “If that was you, how come you never did that before?”

“You never tried to take all our wimmins,” Moe said. “You have angered God. One woman per man. That is the will of God. Those are the rules.”

“Oh,” said Tonduh. He frowned, but a rumble from the clouds silenced him. He was a big guy, but he didn’t reckon he was up to the task of messing with whatever Moe’s god was about. “Fine.” He shoved Stacy towards Cletus who leaped up and nuzzled her filthy cleavage happily.

Pooftah stood up and wiped a tear from his eye, so happy to see everyone getting along again. “This ith wonderful. I think I shall make uth a thelebratory featht.”

Everyone was content, or resigned, and bowed to Moe, vowing to follow all God’s rules for their village. Moe promised to commune with God as often as possible and convey messages according to his will. As the celebration of peace commenced, Moe glared across the fire at Pooftah enthusiastically preparing the feast. Rules would be rules.

More by this Author


Comments 52 comments

Paraglider profile image

Paraglider 6 years ago from Kyle, Scotland

That's the way to write 'em! Classic stuff from the all-seeing brain :)


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Thanks, Para. This one sort of fell out of my head after reading Mark's hub. (Looking at the quiz is the best part).


Teresa McGurk profile image

Teresa McGurk 6 years ago from The Other Bangor

I loved the quiz at the end. And the thoughtful close-up of Dog/god. You are delightfully daft, in a thoughtful and thought-provoking way. Cool!


pgrundy 6 years ago

LOL! The quiz rocked too. (I am a 'thinker'. But maybe everybody comes out as a thinker?)

You should send this off to Guideposts. :)


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Hi Teresa and Pam. Between you two and Para, I'm getting some power brains popping by this little endeavor... so thanks.

The quiz is fun, so far the results are coming in evenly divided amongst the three options. I have to admit, the Believers are the most fun to contemplate, leaving poor Pooftah to "what he deserves." I can't imagine feeling that way towards people. lol. (lol @ Guideposts too)


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 6 years ago from Hell, MI

Hey, Shades! It's been a while! I loved the hub, man. Great stuff, as usual. The quiz may be a tad skewed, though. According to that, I'm a thinker! I've never been accused of that before!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Sup, B.T.! I think the label suits you just fine, but I lol'ed that you said that. I tried hard to make it fair; not sure that's possible tho. Still enjoying the results.


Aya_Hajime profile image

Aya_Hajime 6 years ago

Great stuff Shades! You are too much.

Love all the 'cave-people' personalities!

If you were a 'cave-person' which cave-person would you choose to be?

Wonder who would get the most votes - I am thinking Moe but it could be for a variety of reasons :)


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Thanks, Aya!

That's an interesting question... which of them would I be. I'd probably be Cletus. (And yeah, Moe does have a certain appeal for some ;)


Aya_Hajime profile image

Aya_Hajime 6 years ago

My hero! I love a man who can gather possum milk - YUM!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis

Nice one...and Lauren only gets better. I hadn't seen the new quiz thing...totally cool. I guess it's not surprising that people answered the story was about disproving God. Geez. Liked your moral. "Use your brains." Indeed.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Yeah, the quiz has been a source of amusement for me, I'll admit. It's interesting to see people read stuff and have it mean different things. Just proves how useless language is, or at least how unwieldy. And Lauren is getting pretty good, ain't she? You should see the anime stuff she's doing. Kid has serious raw talent.


cheaptrick profile image

cheaptrick 6 years ago from the bridge of sighs

Dude,I'm in the middle of my New Years party(just popped in to see whats happening)SOOO funny i called my G F in to read the part about "dragging women".

She poured her beer on my head

...gotta go get my club...


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

lol, that's awesome, I'm glad she saw fit to share her drink with you like that. I love that my hub can bring people together like that.


spryte profile image

spryte 6 years ago from Arizona, USA

My caveman is too hung over to take me out for breakfast on this fine New Year's Day so I decided to explore hubpages and see if I missed anything during 2009...and found this one. I must be getting cranky as I get older (or I still need my coffee) because none of these neanderthal-types reminded me of my ancestors.... :P


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

How do you like this... I ended up losing the toss on designated driver. So I feel just fine. It's 10:00 a.m. and there are still 7 people sleeping around here on floors, couches etc., still lying where they fell when we got home, and here I am on hubpages too. lol. /sigh.


nadiaazhar profile image

nadiaazhar 6 years ago from kuwait

today is my 1st day here on hub and so far i find this writing the best,so thought to drop a WOW :)

Best Regards,

nadia


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Thank you, that's very nice of you to say. Welcome to hubpages.


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Of course I'm a realist! Someone once asked me about the glass being half full or half empty. My response - It's a freaking glass with water in it!

I enjoyed this hub, thanks!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

LoL, okay, THAT is a realist's approach to that old favorite. That's funny.


nicomp profile image

nicomp 6 years ago from Ohio, USA

You should have told he there'd be a quiz at the end.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

That might have scared you off.


ceciliabeltran profile image

ceciliabeltran 6 years ago from New York

The coolest thing I've read in Hubpages. Seriously!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Thanks, Ceciliabeltran. This is a hub that I had great hopes for. I think the message is really important, but I suspect the humor may be obscuring the tragedy too much or... something. I don't know. I'm glad you liked it. It's nice to know that at least a few people out there "get me" sometimes. :D


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK

So it was Moe then who said unto him, Master, speak to my brother, that he divide the inheritance with me for a man's life consisteth not in the abundance of the things which he possesseth.

Now it becomes clear, Shades. I had sleepless nights over that small detail :-)))


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

I'm glad I could give you peace, my brother. :D


lxxy profile image

lxxy 6 years ago from Beneath, Between, Beyond

"mad monkey love."

This is hilarious, well put together, and a fun read. Hats off to you.

Also of interest to you just might be a cool little b-movie entitled "I was a Teenage Caveman"

It's not as corny as it sounds.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

I have no problem with corny if the writing is good. I'll see if I can find it. Thanks for reading this, btw, it's one of my favorites that just sort of never took off. The one's I like never do well. lol.


k@ri profile image

k@ri 6 years ago from Sunny Southern California

I can see why it's one of your favorites. I loved the story! It reminds me of a joke:

Question: Why did the dyslexic, insomniac, agnostic stay up all night?

Answer: He was wondering if there was a dog.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

I wonder if he ever found out. :D

Thanks for reading and the comment, K@ri.


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

Original and fantastic! Someday I will be this good!

Thanks for a smart read!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Thanks for that. That's a super nice comment. And I'm glad you liked it.


D.G. Smith profile image

D.G. Smith 6 years ago

Great story

Da greek suggested that I should come over here and read your work, I am glad he did

loved the test at the end, of course, I took it multiple times using different answers. I do that a lot (it might be a medical condition)


tonymac04 profile image

tonymac04 6 years ago from South Africa

I always thought that dogs attract lightning! And those wimmins - well if the pong didn't get you the lice would! And it wouldn't be funny at all.

Great story which has finally answered all my questions - like who were my parents?

Love and peace

Tony


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Hi D.G., I'm glad you came over (and I'm glad De Greek is being so generous in directing traffic my way) especially to this hub and the Vlad the Inhaler thing. These are those little works of love that are fun to write, but suffer tragic and gruesome deaths on the HubPage highway, ground into the concrete grooves beneath the heavy wheels of marketing interests. (sigh). So I really am grateful you came and had a peek.

Heya Tonymac. I think a lice attack would be pretty funny too, now that I've spent time imagining it. LIke a big mob of them with cartoon faces. I know my daughter could make the picture funny. Maybe that's an idea for another hub!!! And, well, I am happy to have been of service to you in finding your heritage. It was my pleasure. :D


mysterylady 89 profile image

mysterylady 89 6 years ago from Florida

Wow! I loved this hub. I loved the humor and what lies beneath the humor. I am going to start following you, too. Would you like to read about my cockroach??


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Hi Mysterlady: Thanks for reading, and I'm glad you got the joke and found the message beneath. And I'd be happy to read about you roach. lol. I shall do so now.


ACSutliff profile image

ACSutliff 6 years ago

Hi Shadesbreath,

Loved this story. I laughed out loud, and I wanted there to be more when I got to the end. Apparently I am a realist. Thanks for letting me know. You say that this hub didn't do very well, but I'd be ecstatic to have this many comments on one hub. People write hubs about you! That's very cool. Most recently, Christoph wrote a hub about you. I hope you don't mind the link. Since it is about you, I thought you might like to read it.

http://hubpages.com/literature/How_Childrens_Books...

I loved the story!

~AC


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Hi AC. I don't mind the link. Especially not one to Christoph's hubs, he's one of the writers I admire most on HP. Thanks for the kind comment and the link, I'mma go check it out now.


DTroth profile image

DTroth 5 years ago from My Little Hole In The Wall, HubPages, USA

Hi Shadesbreath...

Congrats on winning "Most Awesome Hub" in the 2011 Hubbie Awards! It's well deserved. I bookmarked this one. Very funny. (:

Diana


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

Sweet, thanks DTroth. I didn't know they had a contest going, although I confess to having been tied up on other projects lately. Now I can go see what's up and maybe find some cool hubs to read. If they're digging back in time like this, there's liable to be some interesting stuff getting light of day.


mikayla 4 years ago

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 4 years ago from California Author

Hopefully, Mikayla, that's you laughing, not coughing up hairballs on the feet of my article. :D

Thanks for reading.


RVDaniels profile image

RVDaniels 4 years ago from Athens, GA

Funny, and disturbing. Good work. Watch those lightning bolts, guy.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 4 years ago from California Author

Hi RVDaniels. Thanks for stopping by and commenting. And, no worries, I am ever vigilant on the lightning bolt front. Though, I think I have a much greater chance of being struck by a zealot than any wrath of God. Hard to say which gods' zealots are the most dangerous given there's so many of them though.


Daniella Lopez profile image

Daniella Lopez 4 years ago from Arkansas

Loved this! I especially enjoyed the quiz at the end. Voted up. :D


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 4 years ago from California Author

Hi Daniella. Thanks for reading, and taking the quiz. I have to admit, I amused the crap out of myself putting that together, so it's nice to hear that someone else is amused too. That way I'm not just that weird guy laughing all by himself at the mall or wherever. :D


Ask Ashley profile image

Ask Ashley 4 years ago from California

LOL Shadesbreath! This story is ridiculously funny!! Especially the quiz, which was surprisingly accurate. Hahaha


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 4 years ago from California Author

Nothing but the facts in my articles. Everything in this is historically, scientifically and psychologically accurate in every way, as far as I can tell.


Ask Ashley profile image

Ask Ashley 4 years ago from California

LOL :D


Susie Writes profile image

Susie Writes 4 years ago from Northern California

Funny stuff here, SB. Don't know how I stumbled on this but so glad I did! Gave me a great chuckle.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 4 years ago from California Author

I'm glad you stumbled on it too, Susie Writes. This sort of thing doesn't attract much traffic by the way of the standard Google Search terms. :D

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