The Paradox of You and I: A Poem of Apology

Background

I wrote this poem several years ago and came across it just now as I was searching for something else. As I read it, I was in awe. It's not that I was impressed with my words--but I was shocked to see how much I have changed from then to now! I was in a place of such struggle when I wrote the poem. My head knew one thing but my heart believed another. I strove to do what was right but my motives were often not pure. I was fearful and felt alone. Today, I feel like a very different person--God has done so much healing work inside of me! It's not that I live perfectly, but I can see that I've been "aligned" as my head and heart now fit together and act as one. I no longer feel hopeless and stuck in sin and sadness, but more and more as time goes on, I experience the freedom of Jesus Christ! I used to be stuck on the part of the verse that says, "In my weakness..." but now I realize there is more and I live in the "...His strength is made perfect" reality.

I wanted to share this poem as an attempt at encouraging others. If you feel at all like I felt when I wrote it, there is hope! I let myself be real about how "messy" my heart was and I brought if all before God. It was a process and I did a lot of seeking to find God and to learn His truths and apply His wisdom to my life. I didn't just wake up one day different--in fact--I didn't even realize how much I had changed because the process was little by little by little. But I can look back now and see that all of those baby steps added up and I now feel worlds away from where I was then. May you be blessed to experience the complete freedom that God offers!

Shadows and Light

A Realization About Myself and an Apology


We’re the same—you and I.
We are the same, yet different; coexisting in the same space.
You smile on the outside yet on the inside you want to cry.
I try to hold it all together—to keep a straight face.
I act like I believe that it will all be OK but on the inside I don’t want to try.
I am afraid—I feel alone in a dark and scary, ever-shifting place.
I lay on my couch and I tremble and shake and a part of me wants to just crumble and die.


Same journey—different points in the road.
I think that I am running on ahead but turn the corner and find myself in an all too familiar place.
I am no better than you—I have as much darkness, the truth be told.
On the outside my arrogance and boldness and zeal hide my inner disgrace.
All that is good in me comes from the Almighty God—The Yahweh of Old.
Every kind act I’ve done—every deed of love and pure thought is a product of His grace.
And I, too, struggle with good and evil and it is myself, not you, that I should scold.


You say that if I knew who you really were I would not be able to handle that realization.
The truth is I don’t even know who I really am, deep down inside.
For I am also the host of a cosmic struggle between evil and good and in utter fascination,
I too many times have, to myself, simply lied.


I’m not as good as others around me think.
I’m not as strong as I appear.
I seem, perhaps stable, but I feel as if I am step by step going to sink.
I speak of hope and faith and trust but in the end am so wrapped up in fear.


It’s not that I don’t believe what I say—for my head knows it to be true.
But in my heart of hearts—deep down into a realm that I am barely even aware,
I try so hard to line up what I think and I say and I do.
But there is a part of me that I can’t dare to share.


This struggle seems too strong—like it will rip me apart.
Like I’m being pulled into the light and sucked into the darkness all at the same time.
Season after season my life has been shattered and broken has been my heart.
The truth is that I try so hard to help you but on the inside of me I’m anything but fine.


I just want to say that I’m so sorry for pointing my finger and trying to fix what’s broken in you.
Like a sick and dying child I am trying to give you the cure but I must give it to myself, first.
However broken and stuck in sin you are, the truth is that I’m broken and stuck in sin too.
They may not look the same on the outside, but our hearts both chase idols to quench that Godly thirst.


The duplicity in you is the duplicity in me.
The bondage that entangles you is the same that I need, also, to be freed.
The hope for you is the same hope for me—it is Christ alone that can save us.
We are desperate for God to help us—He alone is the sturdy rock that we can trust.
Your idols—my idols—different shapes and colors but in the end they cannot save—they will rust.


I am sorry for ever making you feel as if I am in anyway better than you.
I’m sorry if any of my comments towards you have been rude.
I truly, truly have loved you with the love of an amazing kind—one that comes from on high
But at the same time I realize that I need to let that same love heal me deep inside.


The songs goes, “I once was lost but now I’m found.”
For me to learn this, God has had to turn my world upside down.
I feel like everything around me and inside of me is swirling round and round.
I don’t know if my feet are in the air or on the ground.


Forgive me for my sins—for each time I’ve done anything other than love you with the love of the Lord.
Like Peter in the garden, I am so quick to pull out that sword.
“I once was dead but now I live,” is another line in the song.
But to live I must first die and that means to admit where I’ve been wrong.


Once again, by using you, the Lord has humbled me—my spirit lies in the dirt and weeps.
I know that in His time, the Lord will raise me up by His strength and I will shout for joy, running through the streets.
But right now I lay on the ground and cry and besides these letters on this page I wish to make no sound.
For I thought you were lost and needed to be found—but found that I too, need to be found.

More by this Author


Comments 22 comments

jenubouka 5 years ago

Such power of words that creates a person to dissect their own imagery of truth. This reminded me of when I was a young adult, but still can visualize the emotions today.

Loved it!


Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 5 years ago from Illinois Author

Thank you jenbouka! Such a painful process but oh-so-worth-it! Writing can be quite a tool of self-discovery!


Dave Mathews profile image

Dave Mathews 5 years ago from NORTH YORK,ONTARIO,CANADA

Very interesting! I really enjoyed this. Thank you.


Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 5 years ago from Illinois Author

Thank you Dave Matthews! :-)


christinekv profile image

christinekv 5 years ago from Washington

Thank you for sharing that - voted up! The tears flowed as I read it. I can identify with so much of it ...knowing and applying really is a challenge...the battle between the spirit and the flesh! Total surrender and trust is a challenge.. you go deep.... there is that deeper revelation of our true condition...regardless of how we perceive ourselves or how others do (I too see myself as bold, zealous, honest). I Thanks, it's inspiring and I will be sharing it w/ a couple groups, if you don't have any objections, and refering back to it for myself when I go before the throne!

Hugs,

Christine


Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 5 years ago from Illinois Author

Christinekv: Thank you so much. I'm SOOO glad that it was encouraging to you--that's why I post the things I do! Please feel free to share this with anybody you think it would be helpful to. Hugs back at ya!


PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy 5 years ago from Portland, Oregon

good work, Seek. I look forward to reading more!


Vladimir Uhri profile image

Vladimir Uhri 5 years ago from HubPages, FB

I was showered with inspiration thought. Thanks


Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 5 years ago from Illinois Author

Thank you PDKaraokeGuy and Vladimir! I very much appreciate the feedback and hope my work (God's work through me) blesses you!


JinnyMarte 5 years ago

I think this is the first time that I am at a loss for words...

"Forgive me for my sins—for each time I’ve done anything other than love you with the love of the Lord.

Like Peter in the garden, I am so quick to pull out that sword.

“I once was dead but now I live,” is another line in the song.

But to live I must first die and that means to admit where I’ve been wrong."

How many times do we find ourselves in this position. This is a poem so beautiful it reveals the true intervention of His Holy Hand to remove pride away from a heart that yearns for a way to become better.

Truly amazing. I was moved.


litsabd profile image

litsabd 5 years ago

It is one of the most difficult things one has to do in life and that is to be found the way you write it in your poem. Beautiful, just beautiful. Thank you.


Lady Summerset profile image

Lady Summerset 4 years ago from Willingboro, New Jersey

Dear Seek and Find, you have exposed us! Paul said, "that when I would do good, evil is present!" "There is a war in my members!" (paraphrased) Every Christ-Like creation has entered into the arena of "killing the flesh!" It's a signal of a good thing! Letting us know that our desire to be like the Father is stronger than that of remaining the old man! We die daily to the things of this world, only to realize the gain as we see clearer His Love and power of redemption!

As Always, Peace and Blessings!


Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 4 years ago from Illinois Author

@litsabd: Sorry it took me so long to respond! Thank you for your comment. I am so glad that this poem touched you. :-)

@ Lady Summerset: Yes, quite a process we go through on this journey of self-discovery and the question for meaning and purpose. Humility is a key, if not the key, to love. Easy concept, not so easy to live out every day! Thanks for your comment.


TENKAY profile image

TENKAY 4 years ago from Philippines

Thank you for making me cry.


Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 4 years ago from Illinois Author

@Tenkay: You are welcome--I'm not used to being thanked for tears. But I'm assuming they are good tears--like the ones that heal as they are released? I thank you for the comment and pray that you come through your tears as one set free.


PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy 4 years ago from Portland, Oregon

no probly, seek n find. u keep up the good work!


cynamans profile image

cynamans 4 years ago from Washington DC

Great poem Seek-n-Find,

thanks for sharing!


Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 4 years ago from Illinois Author

@cynamans: Thank you for reading and leaving a comment! I always love to know when something I've written impacts another. :-)


Vladimir Uhri profile image

Vladimir Uhri 4 years ago from HubPages, FB

Yes, impacted many. I have returned, remaining me the poem is read and seed is germinating and growing. I had to read it again. Blessing! I found some similarity but also different. It is not so difficult to walk in the spirit as appears. I found that Spirit is the Word we use - something we can hear not what we think. Am I right? Our troublemaker is our mind and not the heart. It is good to know.

I am thankful to the Lord to have freedom to share word, poems and love.

Love yea my sis.


Seek-n-Find profile image

Seek-n-Find 4 years ago from Illinois Author

@ Vladimir: Thanks! I agree that it is not as difficult to walk in the Spirit as I once thought. I wrote this poem when I was always focused on sin and I thought that I had a sin nature--as I stared at the Law, sin sprang up all the more--like Paul says in Romans. But then God showed me the way of the New Covenant--that I have been made into a new creation and have been given a new heart, like you said. My mind is in the process of continually being renewed and now instead of focusing on what I can't do or shouldn't be I focus on who I ALREADY am in Christ and as I set my eyes on Him instead of looking at the sin and the enemy, I find that from the inside out I change. It's not longer trying to align right behavior to a bad heart but because I believe I have a new heart, my behavior has also changed. It's amazing how what we focus on we make room for--"as a man thinks in his heart, so is he." Thanks for your words my brother. Blessings to you!!!


Vladimir Uhri profile image

Vladimir Uhri 4 years ago from HubPages, FB

Hello sis. Not many people testify this. But I am sure there are more who do. It is such a blessing to read your writings. Agape love.


ExoticHippieQueen 4 years ago

Wow........such beauty flowing from your soul, such wisdom from your mind. An incredible road map of self-discovery and faith that you have shared.........

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working