The Ragamuffin Journal: Fleeting Interests Part 2
Unusual and awkward circumstances always lead to curiosity and questioning. Years ago, myself and a friend were playing tennis and on the court next to us, some good looking guys were also playing tennis. Somehow we slipped our way into their lives by the exchange of numbers, and an invite I had received to accompany one of them to a gathering with all of his friends. The night was fun, and I enjoyed getting to know him and his friends. It turned out that my knew a few other people there as well. It was not long before I found myself crushing over one of the guys, not the one who was crushing over me. Additionally, my friend had a growing interest the other guy. It was a huge, triangular mess, and all three of the men were close enough, and smart enough not to get to tangled up in us.
For some unknown reason, I determined to maintain contact with the one man my friend originally liked, (she moved on and found another interest). After several months things heated up between the two of us, and I soon found myself engaging with a man who I had no intention to be spending so much time with. He liked me, and drew my attention to him in a sly, seemingly pre-determined way. I was captivated. There were many problems with this relationship. First, we were not compatible in any way. I have very strong convictions about some things and he didn’t measure up to certain standards. He was very laid back, and although opinionated, he was tolerant, too much so that I wonder if he has a backbone at all. Second, he was very domineering, and controlling. This attribute often materialized in the kitchen, when he would not allow me to help when cooking. I am sure he had an idea that I could not cook well. Perhaps in some cases that is true but there are also some things I make very well, and I like to think I have a darn good palate. Another red flag incident that I experienced with this man confirming his control was once when I was driving home from a movie we had just seen, and I chose to take a left on a street that I was legally not supposed to turn left. To preface this decision, I will let you know that the street was not a one-way street. Neither was it congested with traffic at this particular time of night. In fact, there was not a single car on the street, and rather than going right, and having to circle back around, I chose to just turn left. My date made sure to tell me what I did wrong. Shortly after this, he lectured me because, according to him, I was following another car to closely, when really I left enough room for two other cars to drive between myself and the vehicle in front of me. I nearly pulled over to put him in the driver’s seat. I am certain he behaves this way with all the women he entertains and it angers me that I even put myself in this situation.
A One Night Encounter can Change Everything
One night, he wanted to have sex with me. I never had sex before, and I wasn’t going to have sex with him. He was not in a position where he could change my decision on the matter. I chose not to for two very particular reasons, both having nothing to do with him. Of course he cannot understand that, and did not want to know the reasons, or understand them. I never did tell him why. He mocked me, a lot. He said I was thinking too much, and people that think too much are just unhappy. I didn’t trust him at all. I didn’t believe him. And I certainly knew he wouldn’t be in my life long enough to care about him. He drove me home and that was the last I saw of him.
A Message about my Worth & Desirability
The truth is that after that night, I felt unwanted, undesirable, all because I didn’t want to be with this man in that way. I chose not to have sex with this man, and that prompted in him a choice to not have me at all. Nothing else about me was desirable to him. For several weeks I questioned myself, and wondered if perhaps something was wrong with me. The message I got from that one night was that the essence of who I am, especially who I am to men, is sexual by nature. The message is that my worth and my value is defined only by my sexuality. This is the same message I got the morning I woke up to see my mother sitting on the recliner chair crying because my dad didn’t come home the night before. When I asked her why he didn’t come home, she replied, “because my boobs aren’t big enough.” I was six years old! I knew what boobs were, and though I didn’t understand what her comment meant exactly, I knew it had something to do with her body, her physical appearance being the reason my dad didn’t want her anymore. If that was true, than what does that say about me, and my level of desirability? My mother divorced my dad shortly after that morning.
After my one night encounter years ago, I began to wonder about sex. What is so great about sex that it becomes so complex, creates so much tension, and actually hinders a relationship from moving forward? Whether a couple chooses to abstain, or to go ahead with their impulses and start having sex, it gets complicated. I have seen it both ways. Even though I was not interested in this man, and even though I was happy with the decision I had made that night, I found myself angry. I was angry at God. I felt cheated, forgotten by God. I felt that I had been missing out on something that just seemed to be so important, so necessary in life and in relationships. What I realize now, years later, is that despite all this, I keep running back to God, broken, and seeking to simply be desired by Him. My worth comes from God and fortunately, He is always constant! That means there is absolutely nothing, NOTHING that I can do, good or bad, that will change how God sees and desires me! Is it any wonder I keep running back to Him regardless of my condition!?
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