The Real Housewives of Lemon County...

Unreal Housewives of somewhere...
Unreal Housewives of somewhere...
Spot the difference...
Spot the difference...

Butch Slapped...

Unless you are lightening fast with your TV remote or exceedingly disciplined, there is an odds on chance that you have seen The Real Housewives of Orange County/Atlanta/DC/New York/Beverly Hills.

I have, by chance, caught myself fully absorbed in the domestic train wrecks that pass for the lives of the rich and shameless, open mouthed and, frankly embarrassed, to be caught watching. You have to escape during the commercials, or you will end up watching the whole thing and basically hating yourself afterwards.

These ladies all have a few things in common: spectacular hair, spectacular breasts, and spectacular attitudes. Mostly attitude. Oh, and money, seemingly obscene amounts of the stuff.

So apart from proving that being rich does not make you happy, these programs are woefully out of date...

The world has changed, my friends.

Let's take my world as a microcosm of modern life in these United States.

Came here from somewhere else, check.

Late model boomer, check.

Had prestigious position, check.

To young to retire, check.

Not working, check.

(It seems unfair to categorize my writing as working as one of the defining features of work is that you get paid, so...)

Leading to my central point (yes, there is one, be patient), which is that the real housewives of Lemon County are all at work. They are not planning parties, bitch slapping their BFFs, stripping the luxury stores like high heeled locusts, or doing charity lunches, they are winning the bread.

The switch occurred to me as one evening I was chatting with some friends. I may have mentioned before that She-who-is-adored and I like to sail. We have a tiny sailboat, and belong to a wonderful little yacht club. That sentence sounds way more posh than the reality, but think of a cozy bar that sells great food, all at very reasonable prices, and you have the picture.

The women, a group of four teachers, meet every Friday to unload and unwind. They sit at one end of a table. The significant others, that would be us, sit at the other end of the table. We are a motley crew. All have kids out of college and working, and the youngest of us is an actual grandfather. I am currently not gainfully employed, as is one other of the team, who is retired, a third is in real estate, so technically he is not working either. There is one of the team currently employed, though in his high tech arena he is at constant risk of his contract being terminated.

With three of us helping look after elderly parents or in-laws, and heavily involved in the, lets say, more domestic, aspects of life, this can lead to some very unusual conversations. Of course being guys we talk like we have the answers to all the world's ills, and between us know everything there is to know about everything, but inevitably our conversations veer away from manly type topics…

For example, last Friday in the "how is your diet going" section of the evening (only one of the group is exempt from that one), I mentioned that I had taken up walking.

Now apart from sounding incredibly lame (pun intended), it pointed out that we were at that stage of our lives. Ambulatory necessity turned into sporting event. I had purchased special walking shoes (I know, I know, all shoes are designed for walking), orthotic inserts and a pedometer.

Oh yeah, I'm hardcore...

Anyway, after some gentle prodding from a much slimmer than me, She, I was encouraged to, you know, get off my lazy butt.

I did.

Now, don't go all-jealous on me, but I live in paradise. Southern California (the nice part), three miles from the coast, and next to some incredible beaches. My walk involves a short drive (I did mention that I live in Southern California, right? Walking to a place to walk is not really done…), to a parking lot with multi million dollar views. (Literally - postage stamp lots below the park go for about three to five million, then all you have to do is build a fifteen to twenty million home on it...)

I then bounce down the hundred or so steps to the beach, and walk about three to four miles along the hard sand of the shoreline. I try not to think about the poor people in Chicago digging themselves out of twenty feet of lake effect snow, as I walk along the beach in beautiful sunshine, but...

A big plus, I get to see extraordinary sights on a regular basis, dolphins just off the shore, pelicans practicing for an air show, and distant spumes of the California grey whales being followed by the tourist boats.

Told you, paradise...

Only negatives, inevitably some sand gets into your shoes, and the steps have to be climbed at the end to get back up. (The funicular only works at the weekends and “summer months”…)

I follow up this grueling physical regimen with a visit to my favorite Starbucks and a tall skinny vanilla latte to replenish my vital fluids and electrolytes and stuff like that.

Anyway, I'm sharing my new found exercise routine with my friends. Turns out we have all caught the walking bug. The one working guy has to squeeze it in when he can, but he lives a hop and a step from the same beach. Realtor guy’s office is even closer. Retired guy needs to catch a break from looking after his mother in law, so the ten-minute drive is no biggie for him.

This newly shared activity is getting us all excited, so we start making arrangements to meet on Thursday, for a walk and perhaps a quick lunch. As we animatedly discussed the optimal time to come across the largest number of hot mommies, a change in atmosphere is detected. There is the strange sound of silence from the working end of the table, as the women look up at us, and it dawns on me...

OMG...

We have become the real housewives of Lemon County...

Dear Hub Reader


If you enjoy this hub, please check out my book,

Homo Domesticus; A Life Interrupted By Housework,

A collection of my best writings woven into a narrative on a very strange year in my life.

Available directly from:

http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/homo-domesticus/12217500

Chris


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Comments 41 comments

jrsearam profile image

jrsearam 5 years ago from San Juan, PR

You'll be OK Mr. Lincoln. Start worrying only if you get the urge to wear your wife's high heels and ruby red lipstick. ; ) JR


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 5 years ago

I have the answer to your working status. Pitch your show to Bravo. I for one would rather watch real people . By the way real life has come to roost for some of the Housewives. Now the show reveals bad marriages, evictions, short sales, foreclosures and unemployment. None of this will stop them from their regular shots of Botox, that is a given. Loved this hub. Voted, up and funny and awesome!


jellio_123 profile image

jellio_123 5 years ago

LOVE your writing style.... so funny. So glad I stumbled upon you!


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Haha! That is great! Thanks for a chuckle before I go to school today:)


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Yep, I'm jealous! But tell me, how stable is all that expensive real estate?


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

JR,

Not being a citizen, I can not actually work for the FBI...

C


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Pop,

Thank you for the votes.

Not so sure anyone would tune in to watch me do anything, even those who have caught the bravo bug...


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

jello 123,

I'm very glad you did!

Thank you,

C


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

RealHousewife,

Well I hope I didn't steal your thunder...

If they do a Real Housewives of St. Louis I promise to watch and I'll try really, really, hard not to say mean or disparaging things!!

C


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

AustinStar,

Good point. If I had a spare twenty million, not sure I'd be feeding it to the waves...

So, yes, you are way better off where you are :)

C


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

You just crack me up! I was watching reruns of Orange county over the weekend - did you know that Alexis has been corn fed, raised and bred in Missouri? Out in Hannibal, Mo. She made the statement that "Missouri girls, they just don't do their hair and make up,"!

Yup! Ain't that what I said already!! No ma'am we do not get botoxed up in here:-). We are REAL!

I loved it - you should do a weekly one!


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Real,

Wait...you watch that stuff?

Is it part of the therapy? You know, you look at them and realize you are just fantastic, thank you very much...

Plus...

Botox, the front end is Botulinum, the back end is toxin, both of which say POISON in a loud shouty type way, sounds a bit like buttocks, so why would anyone go there!

Though dead is also pretty real...


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Yes! I watch it - it makes me laugh! I like reality TV for some messed up reason!

I love the breakdown of Botox too - I have a friend that gets it. I try to ask her why she feels the need to shoot poison in her skin? This girl is beautiful.

I call that show the fake housewives. I have noticed so many of them talk about how they claim to love and put their children before anyone else. They have nannies and house keepers and how do they have time to do the show? Who is helping their kids with the science fair? I'd really like to know because I have trouble just keeping all 3 toilets clean at the same time!

You go Mr. Lincoln!!


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Ok, you need to tell us the story of how you came to be a househusband in SoCal instead of a Bobby in Britian! Curious? You bet.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Austinstar,

That is so much more than a hubsworth...

Cliff notes version.

PC Plod becomes detective working in child abuse...

Very dark place...

Takes opportunity to become teacher...

Meets US friend on teaching course...

Chris and friend do pen pals with classes...

Friend doesn't want to do that anymore...

Friend has friend who does...

Chris visits friend of friend, falls madly in love...

Year of long distance, just 6,000 miles, relationship, with two visits...

Chris closes down life in UK...

Chris comes to CA...

Chris is now step dad to two boys and husband of She-who-is-adored...

Gets teaching job...

Starts new school as elementary principal...

Goes to middle school as principal...

Head of School ousted, Chris becomes Interim Head...

New Head hired, not a fan of Chris...

Chris becomes surplus to requirements...

And there you have it...

C


Pixienot profile image

Pixienot 5 years ago from Clarksville, Indiana

Wow, what an autobiography. You have ridden the waves.

I loved reading this hub and always enjoy your humor. We all need a healthy dose of that on a regular basis.

Voted up, awesome and funny. Thank you.


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Well! that's quite a story. I can read between the lines :-)

Well, you just keep on writing!


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Pixienot,

And I'm always glad that you join me...

C


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Austinstar,

Bitter, party of one...

But, happy to have the chance to exercise my humor writing muscle - and in good company I might add

C


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana

I've got to thank you for writing the BEST AUTOBIOGRAPHY EVER in the comment to Austin. I have little to no attention span, so it was perfect. Like Austin, I always add my own thoughts and ideas in between what you say, so it worked out great.

Whas it difficult swimming across the English Channel? (an add-on... also figure you were wearing one of those Benny Hill funky-looking bathing suits and a cap..)

Also agree that this would make a great weekly show.

"Desperato Househusbands'... I believe you have just begun on your road to fame and fortune and being able to afford as much Fat Free Vanilla Latte as your heart desires!

This was, as always, awesome. I love the fact that the whole hub led us up and around a winding path to the punch line at the end.

Not that I'm calling you a punch line....


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Sue,

You ever tried swimming in a mankini?

So, I flew. Arms have still not recovered (insert groan here)...

After what I've been calling you for the past couple of days, punch line seems pretty mild :)

I am so not what anyone wants to see on TV...

C


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana

I would like to see you flying over the English Channel in a Mankini... I would pay for the experience. Wine is flying out of my nose just thinking about it!

I was actually thinking of you writing the sitcom and, I don't know, maybe David Hasselhoff could play you...

(I hate myself for how mean I am sometimes.)


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

The HOFF!

Gag me with a spoon...

You are so voted off my island...

C :)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana

Too bad I'm holding the totem pole. Immunity is mine. Hasselhoff is you!

Bwaahaaa haa.haa.

ha.


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

sueroy, the Hoff is Cherman! No Cherman could play a Brit! It's the other way around.

Russell Brand maybe could play Mr. C.

We need to do a sitcom with Chris and Stan and the rest of us and call it Two and A Half Million Hubbers!

hahahaha


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Sue and Austin,

You are so nuts.

No wonder I like you so much...

And...

I'd really like to be played by,, oh I don't know,

Me!


attemptedhumour profile image

attemptedhumour 5 years ago from Australia

Sadly i witness your decent into the mire. Have lemon turd with your lunch, and chuck the pedometer in the briny. How about becoming a life-guard? Two birds with one stone there. Cheers Chris.


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

I think Chris, like me, is a bit gravity challenged. So life guarding is out. How about cartoon voice overer?


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana

Two words. Pierce Brosnan.

Two more. You're Welcome.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

AttHum,

I know, I know, forgive me. Walking...

What can I say, twenty years in California will leave a mark on a man's soul....


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

AustinStar,

Did you just call me fat?

Well, you are correct, though I prefer the term unsvelte...

I could guard lives, well, if they didnt move about alot (sorry!)

C


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Sue,

When you're right, you are right..Pierce Brosnan is the spitting image of me...

If I were a little taller and hadn't eaten food for the past fifteen years and didn't have a beard and had that crinkly eye thing going and was an international superstar and so the best James Bond ever...

You nailed it girl....


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

AustinStar,

I have tried for years to get voice-over work, tough business, I have a demo reel on my web page if you have the slightest interest....

C


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Whoa, how did I know that? I must be psychic this morning, or Bob put something in my coffee. Where's your web page?

I keep telling Bob he should do voice work, he has such a nice face for radio!


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Austinstar...

http://www.chrislincolnblog.com

Sadly the old days of mostly studio work have gone, with much of the stuff being done online (and full of scam artists, beware...)

C


crystolite profile image

crystolite 5 years ago from Houston TX

Pretty cool hub,thanks for sharing.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

crystolite,

Thanks for reading so many of my hubs - I appreciate it.

C


Lady Blah Blah profile image

Lady Blah Blah 5 years ago from South Carolina

I KNEW you were into the housewives, haha. Another hilarious hub. Also funny is that there's an over-40 singles ad just under the men picture. I'm not sure why that's funny...it just is.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

LBB

The ad on mine is for "time machine hot tub" - the link is obvious...

or not!

You notice a slight difference in style between our hubs?

Total lack of facts on mine...makes the research so much easier!

C


PurvisBobbi44 profile image

PurvisBobbi44 4 years ago from Florida

Chris,

I enjoyed your hub--I think it is great that you have a group of friends that meet to walk with you. This way you can support each other, and when you get into shape and have to out run the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. LOL

Have you written any Fiction Hubs? I would like to read one. Have a great Holiday.

Bobbi


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 4 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Bobbi,

I have the first chapter of my Detective Novel, "Moondancer" on my website

http://www.chrislincoln-writer.com

The book should be out in April.

Thanks for the comments and the Holiday wishes,

All the best to you and yours,

C

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