The Strange Specialty: Flash Fiction
One day I was out hunting. I had with me my favorite weapon. A sawed-off shotgun. Silver with a mother-of-pearl stock. Ergonomic grip. Luxurious texture. It was the kind of implement that, whenever I was holding it, felt, somehow, like it was holding me in return. I call her Lucille.
I was walking along, letting chance show me my quarry. Then I heard the sound: a kind of syncopated honking and squealing. I got into a crouch, cautious, for there are dangers in the wicked woods. All of my senses electrically alive, I went in search of the source of the sound.
I made my way through the brush and found it. And what I found were two enormous, wild pigs doing it! I was but a couple of yards away, but under the circumstances, they took no notice of my presence. They had far more immediate, ecstatically urgent business to attend to.
I put my lips on Lucille and whispered: "That's quick work, girl. Here's dinner!"
I crept a little closer, aimed, and prepared to squeeze the trigger. But then a thought occurred to me. "You cad!" it said. "Let them have their moment."
I obeyed my better judgment and hung back and waited. I watched them doing it, almost reverently. My patience was rewarded.
When they were finally finished, when they had at last disengaged themselves, just as they had completely separated their bodies... I ran up close and shot both animals in the head. Tore half their faces off. Never knew what hit them.
I stood over them and said: Thank You and Your Welcome.
"Thank You," I said because of the sacrifice the two beasts had just made so that my kind could go on living.
"Your Welcome," I said because I had forever frozen them in time, in the time of life's most supreme triumph, the victory of pleasure over pain.
I had an epiphany. From that day forward, whenever feasible, I liked to take my prey in coupling pairs like this.
Wild pigs. Deer. Bears. Humans...
I am always deliberate. I am always patient. I am always respectful, indeed reverent. I am always polite.
I never forget to say "Thank You," and "Your Welcome."
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