The Thin White Stork

The Thin White Stork
The Thin White Stork | Source

Allow me to begin by dispelling a vicious rumor that’s been batted around the media for nearly 30 years: The Thin White Stork was NOT discovered to have had a sexual liaison with Stick Stagger, lead singer of The Rolling Herons. Nope. Never happened.

When inadvertently walked in upon by the Thin White Stork’s spouse, the two androgynous pop/rock waterfowl simply happened to be playing a lengthy and energetic game of Twister.

After ingesting substantial quantities of presumably mind- and proclivity-altering refreshments.

Alone together.

In the very early hours of an autumn morning.

On the pillow-top king-size mattress of a canopied and draped Victorian four-poster.

In the nude.

Needless to say, the episode, however it actually played out, did much to advance the media-hyped career of this slender gender-bending glam popster. Not that the TWS was particularly hurting in that regard, anyway. In fact, his entire career in the popular cultural spotlight seems to have been magically conjured to continually cause him to appear ever more outrageous to one and all.

After all, how many other media figures display different colored eyes? (Not actually different colored eyes, just one eye with a permanently dilated pupil, which thus appears to be a different color.)

How many other front men can claim to have written and performed acoustic, jazz, blues, pop, rock, punk, techno, adult contemporary, jungle, music hall, electronic, soul, glam, psychedelic, cabaret, industrial, dance, heavy metal, krautrock, minimalist, and classical?

Can you name many singers who have appeared in makeup, in both a dress and a suit, both spandex and loincloth, both platform shoes and patent pumps, red hair and yellow hair and white hair and black hair, under the influence of alcohol, cocaine, heroin? — all while managing to push more than 140 million albums over four decades?

With such a long and productive career on the globe’s music charts, it is no wonder, then, that The Thin White Stork has intimidated all the other crooning creatures of the air, from The Byrds, to Wings, The Crows, A Flock of Seagulls, The Eagles, The Ripchords, Air Supply, The B-52s, Electric Angels, The Blackbirds, The Mighty Herons, The Partridge Family, Spread Eagle, Jefferson Airplane, Angel, The Black Crowes, The Jayhawks, The Blue Aeroplanes, The Yardbirds, Arc Angels, The Comets, The Georgia Satellites, Morbid Angel, Skylark, The Vapors, The Mighty Clouds of Joy, The Lightning Seeds, Iron Butterfly, The Fabulous Thunderbirds, Rocket From the Crypt, Rainbow, The Jets, The Ragbirds, Parachute Express, Angels of Mercy, Love & Rockets, Midnight Star, Round Robin, Heaven’s Edge, Pigeon Toe, The Wooden Birds, Red Roosters, Counting Crows, Commander Cody and Hs Lost Planet Airmen, Boomerang, Riders in the Sky, Texas Tornadoes, Sons of Angels, Rockin’ the Rookery, Giant Albatross, The Airborne Toxic Event, The Falcons, King Missile, The Hawks, Starsailor, The Flying Burrito Brothers, Led Zeppelin, Dark Star Orchestra, Arrow, The Orioles, The Yellowjackets, Atmosphere, The Moondogs, The Flamingos, Death Angel, Sky Dogs, Hurricane Wayne, The Bird and The Bee, The Starliters, and Outta the Blue, among others.

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