The Things I Would Do If I Were A Man


Okay guys...I hope you have a sense of humor!

So...

If a mystical little fairy were to plop itself in my lap and in fairy style fashion wave a magical doo hickey over me sprinkled with a bit o' magical, sparkly dust – in perfect fairy form of course, thus transforming me into, not a woman but a robust and burly man...well, let me just tell you....the things I would do...

Oh...to be a man!

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My first manly order of business would be...


First and foremost...and this really would be the FIRST thing I would do...I would remove my clothing and waltz up (okay improper choice of word, rather I would swagger up) to a mirror and shake it all around! Oh YES!! Shake...Shake...Shake!! Absolutely! Such fun it would be to be a man and simply dingle dangle my new accoutrement. Why any man doesn't do this is beyond me. It truly seems the most fun one could possibly have with such a funny shaped toy. A little bell...ding...dong. The slinky is history with this thing! And of course I would have to get in a little hip action, hula hoop style and swoosh...swooooosh...in a circular motion. Ah Ha! I've created my own manly pick up line, “ahem...excuse me ma'am but would you like me to pick you up in my helicopter?” Bahahahaha...

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Barbasol mayhem!


Okay seriously now. The second thing I would HAVE to do is explore the world of Barbisol. Yes, you know...that mushy, foamy, frothy shaving cream that smells of wood chips! The fun...oh the fun of being a man! I would fill up the sink with the milky, soft stuff and simply stick my face right in...like a cream pie; perhaps pretend to blow a few bubbles and simply revel in it's glorious texture. Next, I would definitely stick my feet in there and squeeze my toes as I watch it spurt out. I suppose I could do this were I not a man but certainly as a woman I would never think to do such things.



How To Trim Nose Hair

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A hairy extravaganza!

Furthermore, If I were a man I would certainly take advantage of my abundance of body hair. Let's take the nose for starters. Why I would just let those suckers grow out. Why not? Let's landscape the face shall we? Shrubbery upon shrubbery, most likely to match the uncropped eyebrows and whatnot. Regardless, those nose hairs will be free from pluckery or scary motorized utensils which revolve around inside doing who knows what.


Finally, let's discuss the next hairy item of business...those arm pits. Why yes, how could I neglect to mention such a manly staple. I say let's accessorize those undergrowths. Perhaps pigtails? No, beads! Oh yes...lovely sparkly beads would do the trick. This would be such a glorious sight as I raise my manly arms beneath my droopy arm holed tank top and showcase my fashionista (fashioniste' for masculine?) chandeliers!


If only....pout...pout!


I mean really! If I were a man, everything would be fun and games. I would run around making helicopter noises and tie army men to my nose hairs and call in the rescue mission. Why not? God did after all make me a complete playground!

Oh the glory, the glory of manhood! Yes, my imagination runs rampant as I consider the immense fun I could have. It had to be said...I'm sure many women out there have considered the unfairness we have. I mean, we don't get to dingle dangle NOR allow hair to grow unconventionally from our facial orifices. I suppose we were simply created to be productive...sigh...alas!

Come on ladies...and guys...I want to know...??

What would be your favorite?

  • Dingle-a-ling
  • Barbasol
  • Nosey Shrubs
  • Arm Pit Chandeliers
See results without voting

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Comments 10 comments

nighthag profile image

nighthag 4 years ago from Australia

That was the best laugh I've had all day. Thank you


dagny roth profile image

dagny roth 4 years ago from Neverland Author

Why thank you! I had some concern after publishing that perhaps it was only a funny comedy sketch in my head but otherwise crude and offensive. I decided I didn't care! It was so worth my personal amusement!


Jaderadez 4 years ago

You are so hilarious and entertaining! I could laugh for days over these articles, definantly worth sharing at my lunch hour at work!!!! Keep them coming.


dagny roth profile image

dagny roth 4 years ago from Neverland Author

Thanks Jaderadez! I know I am a bit raw at times...haven't figured out how to do filtered lol


robert curreli profile image

robert curreli 4 years ago from Nutley, NJ

dagney, very good. What a chuckle.


dagny roth profile image

dagny roth 4 years ago from Neverland Author

Thanks Robert....I'm glad a man out there can laugh beside me! :-)


Almorr 4 years ago

Well done dagny roth, what a great and amusing hub, just been reading another hub about hair removal on men/women.

I'am a man, and I worked out if all the hair on my body was to be removed by lazor, it would cost me over £4000 (U.K) I wonder if your wished to be a man, say for a week, would you like to be all hairy like I am, not just under the arms, but everywhere else. I had a good laugh reading your article, there have been several surveys during the years regarding woman/men, more women would have preferred to be born men than vice versa. As far as under arm hair is concerned, if someone forced me to shave them off, to me that would be as bad as them cutting my arm off, yes, those hairs to most men are as important as the arm itself.


dagny roth profile image

dagny roth 4 years ago from Neverland Author

LoL! Thanks Almorr...I never knew the importance of under harm hair but I guess it makes sense! Glad you stopped by!


kittythedreamer profile image

kittythedreamer 4 years ago from the Ether

Hilarious! I would most definitely go for #1...the dingle dangle effect. I would end up staring and touching it all day long (yes, I know that's bad but I had to say it!) LOL. Awesome hub. Super funny, dagny.


dagny roth profile image

dagny roth 4 years ago from Neverland Author

Thanks Kitty! The dingle-dangle would also be my obsession! Lol. Thanks for your sense of humor!

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