The Thrilling Adventures of "Dull Man"

My Character, "Dull Man"

CAUGHT FIGHTING CRIME BY SIMPLY GAZING INTO SPACE AND BORING THE CRIMINAL INTO AN ARREST.
CAUGHT FIGHTING CRIME BY SIMPLY GAZING INTO SPACE AND BORING THE CRIMINAL INTO AN ARREST. | Source

Look! On the sofa! It’s a bag of potatoes! It’s a forgotten bag of laundry! No, it’s “Dull Man!”


“Dull Man,” able to sleep his way through any bank robbery. Able to hit any building face-first. Faster than a snail on weed. It’s “Dull Man.”


“Dull Man,” less-than-average guy from an average city. In the useless disguise of “Dirk Baggley,” ill-mannered errand boy for the local UPS office, sometimes fights a never-ending battle for sleep, girlfriend who nags him to at least “act” like he is alive, and social-acceptance.


It could happen. The character, Superman, man of steel, made millions for DC Comics, so why not “Dull Man?” Hey, if you are going to fall asleep while you read my stories, please leave.


“Dull Man,” could be “the” super-hero of 2012. In his non-threatening image, always “yes man,” attitude, and hatred for fist-fights, why not allow “my” character whom I created one Friday night while my wife was deeply-involved with CBS’ “Undercover Boss.”


Let me do some selling right here. And let you really get to know, “Dull Man,” or “Dirk,” on a first-name basis. Is that permissible with you?


I. “Dull Man’s” Positive Points:


1.) He is not a womanizer, so the feminists would appreciate such an almost-genderless character.


2.) He gets sick to his stomach at just the smell of a cigarette, an open beer can, and the first sign of violence. FACT: “Dirk,” while in high school, ran “some” track, but his fastest speed is when trouble is near. So the non-violent people would adore him.


3.) He does have “some” clean, white teeth.


4.) He doesn’t have a criminal record, although his on-again, off-again, (mostly off), girlfriend, “Phyllis Cane,” also an errand person for the same UPS office where “Dirk” works, sometimes urges him to take-on a rugged, non-caring “bad boy” image, but to “Dirk,” that is a subject that makes him drowsy.


5.) During sex with “Phyllis,” “Dirk” almost all of the time, falls asleep because nights filled with raw, “jungle passion,” are like Superman’s kryptonite to “Dirk,” for he is always begging “Phyllis’” forgiveness, and second chances in the mornings while having breakfast.


6.) Animals run from “Dull Man,” for they can sense boredom oozing from his pores.


II. “Dull Man’s” Marketing Points:


1.) He would be perfect as the spokeshero for Lunesta (sleep aid.)


2.) He would really score as a representative for a Safe Sex campaign and teach youngsters that it is virtually impossible to get pregnant while you are “stacking “z.’s”


3.) Antique shops would love “Dull Man,” for when have you ever saw any “action” to speak of in any antique business?


4.) He would be ideal for Hawaii, California or any state where the pace of life is a bit slower. Example: “Dull Man,” wakes up on a beautiful, deserted beach somewhere in San Diego. We hear faint cries of happy seagulls in the background. “Dull Man” yawns, stretches, then says, “yessireee, Bob. If you want total relaxation, and a slower speed of life, take my advice and plan your next vacation in California.” Then falls asleep again.


5.) He could do great speaking tours (while avoiding any fight with criminals) on subjects such as: “Rock Concerts: Is All The Excitement Really Worth It?” And, “Honeymoon Nights: A Direct-Threat To Healthy Sleep.”


Awww, yeah, man. I think I am onto something. Something big. And “Dull Man” could score with his own comic books courtesy of Marvel Comics?


But hold on. Didn’t Superman’s creators, Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster say the same thing about the Man of Steel? Sure. And this duo became famous, but not so smart when DC Comics swindled them out of the massive-amounts of revenue that they “could” have had if only they had not needed the money.


For sake of argument, let’s look at a few situations that “Dull Man,” would face in my comic book and see how he might handle them.


III. Criminals Holding Hostages For Huge Monetary Ransoms:


“Dull Man” (speaking to criminals hold-up inside an old deserted fishing net warehouse): “hey, you in there. (yawn) Yes, you. I’m giving you two choices. Let the girl go or I will be forced to “snore” you to death.


Evil Aliens Land And Take Over “Dull Man’s” Hometown Of “Sack Town, Kentucky:


This time, “Dull Man,” charges into the library where these elderly aliens are sitting quitely, reading the “C” edition of the Britannica Encyclopedia.


Surprised at the loud noise, the aliens look up from their reading.


“Dull Man”: hey, you!


“Mrs. Smithe,” the 75-year-old librarian: Shhhh.


“Dull Man”: yes, ma’am. (whispering) I meant you two evil aliens. If you don’t go back to your own planet, I will be forced to run as fast as a tortoise and get the authorities.


See? This guy knows how to handle tough situations and still gain a massive share of the media market.


“Dull Man’s” Arch Enemy “Energy Boy,” Challenges “Dull Man” To A Duel:


“Dull Man”: what’ll it be, “Energy Boy,” pillows or seat cushions?


“Energy Boy”: a test of stamina. Let’s see who gives up first in a 50-mile run! Is that suitable, “Dull Man?”


“Dull Man”: well, now. No. All of that running will stir-up the dust and cause a lot of people with allergies a lot of unneeded suffering. I got to pass, “Energy Boy,” you win.


“Energy Boy”: some hero you are. I will go now and pick a fight with a “real” hero, Under Dog.


“Dull Man” Handling A Social Problem:


“Dull Man” (perturbed) listen, “Mr. Landfill Manager,” either stop allowing the dumping of that used vegetable oil in here, or I will call a really neat environmental lawyer. That’ll show you.”


IV. Intimate Facts About “Dull Man”:


A. He does have a personal hobby: sitting alone in the dark listening to vintage Tennessee Ernie Ford records.

B. He hates acne. Even at this age now, 35.

C. He is an only child. His parents, “Jebb and Clara Baggley,” loved his sister, “Sally Belle,” more than they did “Dirk.”

D. His IQ is less than an average sloth in the Amazon Jungle.

E. His belief that “Tarzan of The Apes,” is a true story gets him in a spot with sensible adults.


V. Other super-hero characters who might join “Dull Man,” in his slumbering adventures:


1.) “Tan Girl” the lives on the beach in her skimpy, two-piece bikini hypnotizing dangerous criminals with her perfectly-tanned body rendering them helpless until the local police can take them to jail.


2.) “Rodeo King” a friendly mutant who was once “Billy Wyatt,” World Champ Bull Rider, who was bitten by an angry Brahma bull that had gorged itself on radioactive feed before the rodeo event. This near-fatal bite changed “Wyatt” into half-man, half-bull, giving him bull-like strength that enables him to smash cars, walls, and most taco stands if he isn’t careful.


3.) “Songster Man” is probably “the” most-mysterious ally of “Dull Man.” “Songster Man,” a/k/a “Ricky Welk,” was born with the inability to talk, but only sing any song he wants from memory. He was kicked-out of public school, and his parents disowned him for bringing them unwanted shame in the mid-50’s when guys like him were thought of as queer. “Welk,” took guitar lessons, and with his super-singing ability, lulls thugs to sleep, or makes them laugh so hard they are too weak to fight when the authorities come to arrest them.

Yeah, I see a sweet life ahead in the comic book business.


And I would appreciate it if you didn’t make fun of me or my new “Dull Man” hero idea.


After all, most of you have spent a small fortune on the likes of Spider-Man, Iron Man, Captain America and to say nothing about The Incredible Hulk.


As if these guys were “real.”

"Dull Man" in one of his many disguises, "Shannon Smoot"

YES, "DULL MAN," HAS MANY FACES, AND ALL OF THEM DULL."
YES, "DULL MAN," HAS MANY FACES, AND ALL OF THEM DULL." | Source

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Comments 20 comments

catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 4 years ago from the South

They could make a series of movies about dull mans everyday life experiences! Actually, I know a couple of guys who would be perfect for the role...haha. Another off the wall hub Kenneth! I am amazed at where your mind goes and love reading the outcome!


Mhatter99 profile image

Mhatter99 4 years ago from San Francisco

This would be funnier if I wasn't a mason. Thank you. How many masons does it take to change a light bulb? Change?


BlossomSB profile image

BlossomSB 4 years ago from Victoria, Australia

This is an off-the-general-run of topics for hubs and, while it can be seen as funny there is so much truth in what you write. Enjoyed the read.


writinglover profile image

writinglover 4 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

I loved this hub. I feel a little less discouraged about my hub stats, now. Tomorrow is another day...


Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

Gypsy Rose Lee 4 years ago from Riga, Latvia

Voted up and funny. This was amusing. This type of guy would be good to have right about now. As the holidays approach and I try to do so much I find I can't fall asleep at night. He would put me right to sleep. lol


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Catgypsy . . .

Great idea. I just hope that some high-paid MGM executive is reading this hub. If I hit it big and rich, I will not forget YOU or any of my followers.

YOU can all let me pay you huge bucks to write screenplays all day long and ride in limo's, eat great food, and yes, you can bring your cats. I will have a luxury-kitty-condo built for them.

Oh my! I can see it now. American Express lunches. Hob-nobbing with Harrison Ford. Wow. And all because of Dull Man.

And I too have a couple of men who fit HIS desription.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

MHatter99,

you, sir, have a complex sense of humor. Mason? Change a lightbulb? I am confused. But thanks for being my friend and reading my stories. And I appreciate your comment.

:)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Blossom SB,

Thanks for your kind remarks. I appreciate it very much. You are right. This is "off-the-written-path" of normal subjects, but then again, the world of comic books is not a world of stability, predictability and sureity.

Maybe Dull Man would be a hit because he runs from fights and never carries a gun.

Would you buy a comic book if you knew that I wrote it?


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello there, writinglover,

Thank you for loving this hub. I tried hard to write as "dull"as I could to parody the always-up, fast-paced, exciting world of our Supermen; Batmen; and such heroes.

I am confused. Why are you less discouraged about your hub stats? Whats going on? Something I can do?

Let me know.

"This seems to be a job for (yawn, stretch), "Dull Man."


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Gypsy Rose Lee,

You, my friend, are a GENIUS! You have just hit on what Dull Man's specialty is: Putting people to sleep who have insomnia. Just let him inside your home, give him a place to sit and bam! Enter the Sand Man. Thanks for your kind and intelligent idea.

And thanks to all of my lovely followers.

Have a Very Merry Christmas and a Prosperous, Safe, Healthy New Year . . . :)


writinglover profile image

writinglover 4 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

Hi kenneth! I was feeling depressed the day I wrote that comment. No traffic was coming for my hubs that day and I was feeling exhausted that day too. Everything hadn't been going well for me at all that day. It was just a bad day in which everything just went wrong. Thanks for asking. Everything has gone better since then. Just wanted to talk to somebody since my parents were not readily available I suppose.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

My Dear writinglover,

Hey there. I am sorry you felt that way. I too, deal with, at times, severe depression brought on my my incurable Fibromyalgia and Neurothopy. How this works, doctors say, if these two diseases hit you, and you have been used to having an active life, suddenly you cannot go anymore . . .your mind really battles you when you see life passing you by and that is where the severe depression shows up.

I take meds every day and get pain shots in my spine every 3 months at a pain clinic in the next state, and just live with it.

And YOU CAN TALK TO ME anytime you LIKE about ANYTHING YOU LIKE with Total-Confidence that what you tell me stays with me.

Is that a deal?

I may have to talk to you one day.

And do, keep up the great hubbing. And since my last comment on Dull Man, he is going to rest for awhile, and let me focus on more-meaningful and some insightful hubs.

Love ya, my friend.


writinglover profile image

writinglover 4 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

That's a deal! Love ya, back!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Good. Love you too and be careful when you go out in public to wear your "Dull Man" Protective Device which is nothing more than a big sea shell that, God forbid, you get harrassed by thugs, you can make the thugs listen to the sea sounds in the shell and fall asleep.

LOVE, K


picklesandrufus profile image

picklesandrufus 4 years ago from Virginia Beach, Va

Very cute Kenneth! I think I have met a few of these men in my lifetime!


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 4 years ago from the South

Hahaha...sounds good Kenneth!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Picklesandrufus,

I think my wife does too, NOT men, but man. Would you like to guess whom it is???

Merry Christmas and thanks for being such a loyal friend. God bless you with peace, health and sanity in the weeks to come.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Catgypsy . . .Good. I will provide moving expenses for you and your cats, a rent-paid apartment, new computer system and plenty of space so you and others can write thrilling adventures of Dull Man, and then, when MGM or Dream Works offers me a 12-million-dollar movie deal, I will take it. Then you, and writers and myself will retire. Permanently. All because of Dull Man.


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 4 years ago from the South

Haha...sounds great Kenneth! We can all start our own town and call it Hubville!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Catgypsy :) this sounds GREAT. You can be the mayor and I can be the lovable town hobo. I love sleeping in boxcars and on park benches. LOL. Thanks for your sweet idea.

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