The World Might Need A Few More Curmudgeons

Curmudgeons Make The World A More Interesting Place!

Aww, aren't they cute? In a curmudgeonly kind of way!
Aww, aren't they cute? In a curmudgeonly kind of way! | Source
Oh GREAT, now they are portable, too. What WILL they think of next?
Oh GREAT, now they are portable, too. What WILL they think of next? | Source
We HAVE this book, and it's a good one! :)
We HAVE this book, and it's a good one! :) | Source
If I was a cat, this is probably how I'd look a few years from now! :)
If I was a cat, this is probably how I'd look a few years from now! :) | Source

Have A Nice Day? I Don't THINK So!

I don't know if it's age or what it is that does it to some of us, but somewhere along the road of life, we start to become curmudgeons. And what is the female version of curmudgeon anyway? A battleax?

It may be that the older we get, the more we realize that many things are kind of like crap anyway and stupid, so why even bother to do them? And, why bother to be nice all the time? And, why bother to try to suck in your gut any more anyway? Let it do what it's naturally gonna do is my motto!

I thought about writing this while we were on one of our brisk one mile nightly walks. Because, you see, as you age, you have to go out every day and get some exercise. No more laying around being a couch potato eating potato chips... oh they sound so yummy right about now... so salty and potato-ey... but, no. You have to get up and exercise even if it kills ya, and some days it feels like it just might.

Now I don't mean to be cantankerous here, but gone are the days of youth when you could eat whatever you wanted to and not worry about pesky blood pressure, cholesterol and all that other health stuff. My husband tells me proudly that he used to be able to sit and eat one-half of a pie in one sitting and still be skinny as a rail.

Now when he says that, I'd like to tell him where he can PUT that rail. My, that sounded just a little bit cantankerous now, didn't it?

Well, I never was quite that lucky being able to eat whatever I wanted when I was young, but I did used to be able to eat and do things when I was younger that I cannot do anymore. Just a part of getting older I guess.

I used to eat hot and spicy stuff and never get heartburn... now I look at nachos and that old familiar flame starts to rise again... and I don't mean that in the way you usually mean "old flame" if you get my drift. I mean, now it's mashed potatoes and plain spice-less chicken in order to avoid late night heartburn. Oh joy.

Ok, so it's not all that bad. But what turns a person into a curmudgeon anyway? Is it being worn down by life's absurdities and repetitions until finally one day you just say "enough." No more MRS. NICE GUY... or something to that effect.

I know a variety of older men and women as well that easily fall into the category of curmudgeon. I used to work with a woman who was a curmudgeon back then and she probably still is today. You'd walk into the room in the morning and say "Good Morning" and you'd get "what the hell is good about it? It's raining like hell, my car wouldn't start and how in the world do they expect us to do all this crap anyway?" Alrighty then! Next! I guess I'll skip asking "how are you today?!" I had lots of "Maxine" flashback moments whenever I would talk to her!

So, what makes people turn into cantankerous old curmudgeons anyway? On our walk, we saw a bunch of plastic bottles that had blown all over the street. The trash men (rather, environmental engineers) weren't very careful when it came to dumping the recyclables into their truck, and these bottles were all OVER the road now. So my husband tells me "recycling is stupid, I've learned that over the years, it's just stupid and does no good so why bother." I do believe I have a budding curmudgeon on my hands here!

Oh What FUN I'll Have One Day When I Become A Curmudgeon...

If things keep going this way, I'm bound to become a curmudgeon myself one day! Oh what fun it must be to just say whatever pops into your head and act as if the world revolves entirely around you, kind of like being a perpetual five year old!

Everyone in the world exists only to cater to your every whim and heaven help anyone who tries to keep you from getting your way. You will then proceed to have a tantrum the likes of which the world has never experienced before. Because after all, in your mind, the world DOES revolve entirely around you!

How fun would it be to say whatever you like, whenever a random thought pops into your head, no matter how ornery it is, and feel as if there are never consequences? People would chalk it up to "oh well, he/she is old, old people are entitled to be grouchy!"

Some People Are Just Too D*MN Perky For Their Own Good!

We were in the grocery store the other night, and a perky little 20 something year old came over the loudspeaker advertising the virtues of their freshly cooked chicken in the deli... "why cook when you can take home one of our spectacularly seasoned, slow roasted, deli rotisserie chickens?"

I looked at my husband and said "someone needs to turn their perky button DOWN a couple notches!" Then I thought, OMG, I'm becoming a curmudgeon! A battleax, a cantankerous, cranky, peevish li'l old lady! Oh wait! Maybe one day I'll even be the next "Maxine" from Crabby Road! She's my hero, by the way.

Next will come threatening to jump up and kick someone in the KNEECAP. Oh wait, I already do that sometimes. It's one of those things I've learned to say in return when I get those "are you ever short" comments that I've gotten most of my life!

Enough with the short jokes already, and I don't want to hear how "cute" I am once my hair turns white either! There might be snow on the roof but there's still a fire in the fireplace...or furnace... is that how that saying goes? I forget now!

And WHERE did I put my D*MN glasses anyway? Oh never mind, they're on top of my head. And so what if I wear them on the end of my nose? That's the only way I can see anything any more these days since they started printing EVERYTHING in that super small print!

It's a CONSPIRACY I tell ya! How the H*LL do they expect people to READ this stuff anyway? No wonder I'm going almost blind. It's from reading this small print all the D*MN time!

There, I feel better already! Hey, this curmudgeon stuff is kind of fun, maybe I should have started it years ago instead of waiting until now.

This is meant entirely in fun, no curmudgeons were hurt in the writing of this hub... although there are a few I'd like to hurt... oh wait, that's not nice. What is coming over me? I feel particularly cantankerous today! Hope you've enjoyed this, and if you didn't, you can sit on it and rotate! ;) Or stick it where the sun don't shine, your choice!

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Comments 16 comments

Weekend Reader profile image

Weekend Reader 4 years ago

My momma was in her sixties when she finally realized that she didn't always have to censor her opinions, speaking softly and sweetly no matter how she felt. She was a slow learner.

And don't ever say "Good morning" to me, the politest response in my pre-noon repertoire is "Need more caffeine!" Bah!


shiningirisheyes profile image

shiningirisheyes 4 years ago from Upstate, New York

Love how well you write and enjoy your creative humor. I needed the laugh today and I thank you.

I sometimes find grumpy people hysterical. I worked with a woman like the Weeza character from Steel Magnolia's and I just found her brutal honesty very funny.

Great write. I'm voting up


Kaili Bisson profile image

Kaili Bisson 4 years ago from Canada

Kathy this is so true and so funny. I find myself becoming more and more cantankerous as the years go by. And there should be a button to turn perky down! Voted up!


KathyH profile image

KathyH 4 years ago from Las Vegas, Nevada Author

I hear ya weekend reader! Caffeine is a must these days, you're mama sounds like a sweetie! Good thing she realized in time so she can still spread some peevishness around! :) Thanks for your comment! Much appreciated! :)


KathyH profile image

KathyH 4 years ago from Las Vegas, Nevada Author

Wow, thanks shining! I love reading your funny hubs, so this is really a compliment! :) :) Weeza is great, love that movie! ;) Thanks so much! :)


KathyH profile image

KathyH 4 years ago from Las Vegas, Nevada Author

Thank, Kaili! If you find that button, let me know! ;) I'll be using it often! Thanks so much for reading and voting! :) I appreciate that!


kashmir56 profile image

kashmir56 4 years ago from Massachusetts

Hi Kathy, enjoyed reading your very creative hub which is funny but so very true . I really needed a good shot of humor today, thanks !

Vote up and funny !!!


KathyH profile image

KathyH 4 years ago from Las Vegas, Nevada Author

You're welcome, Kashmir! So glad I could help! :)


teaches12345 profile image

teaches12345 4 years ago

Sometimes I catch myself on the verge of being a curmudgeon, then I remember how many we have out there already.. jobs all taken. I do laugh with them though and can relate to their wit. Had a good laugh reading through your hub.


KathyH profile image

KathyH 4 years ago from Las Vegas, Nevada Author

Thanks, teaches! :) Laughter is a GOOD thing! I like spreading good things around! :) So glad you liked it! :)


James L Smith profile image

James L Smith 4 years ago from Hilton Head, South Carolina

This is laugh out loud funny and so very, very true. Thanks for brightening my morning.


KathyH profile image

KathyH 4 years ago from Las Vegas, Nevada Author

You're welcome, James! :) So glad you found some laughs in this! :)


onefineham profile image

onefineham 4 years ago from NH, USA

hahaha Statler and Waldorf! My favorite muppets!


KathyH profile image

KathyH 4 years ago from Las Vegas, Nevada Author

They are hilarious, aren't they? Thanks onefineham! So glad you enjoyed this! :)


Grumpy 3 years ago

Why do you have the asterisk before the m in Damn? Since the asterisk is supposed to replace the missing letter, you should have put the asterisk after the m.


KathyH profile image

KathyH 3 years ago from Las Vegas, Nevada Author

Thanks, Grumpy! I am better at typing out ideas than I am at punctuation... I also have a tendency to use way too many commas and to use them improperly. :) Thanks for the help, though!!

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