The letter I Wrote,Never Sent

There is something about hubpages that allows you to feel that you can bare your soul, maybe it's the anonimity of them, whatever it is ,they are helping me come to terms with my past by off loading. Seeing past events in black and white lessens the impact somehow.

I am not proud of this, nor am I ashamed, the timing was wrong, I was young ,just come out of a horendous marriage and he was there.

Married he was, someone I should never have been attracted to , and he in return should never have ................but he did and I fell in love. This was no flash in the pan relationship, this was a relationship that lasted for ten years. God, his poor wife , and I still wanted more. I wrote him a letter, a letter that finally woke me up .................

Hello Dave,

My brain and mouth don't seem to co-ordinate very well when I try to say anything, everything comes out the wrong way and not the way I meant so I felt that writing you a letter might get some answers that will hopefully put things into perspective.

How naive was I?

You tell me you care and that you are not using me, and that you want me as a whole person and not just for sex, but I don't see how you can do that if we don't see each other. I don't feel that it would hurt you to phone me once in a while to see how I am and if I am alright.

How naive was I?

You chose to have an affair, and you chose to have an affair with me, so do you not think that I should deserve the same sort of courtesy and respect that you give your wife.  I don't expect to be on par with her, after all she had you first, and I expected that right at the beginning, although at times it can be really difficult to cope with.

How naive was I?

I find it harder to cope with the fact that I trusted you enough to open up and to tell you how I felt, something I haven't done in years, and you don't seem to give a damn or you would make some effort and have some consideration for how I feel. If you don't want my love, or if you do and can't cope with your feelings or the situation which we found ourselves in, please be honest and tell me, Don't leave it go.

How naive was I?

I love you so much and hate the idea of losing you, but I do understand that you have prior commitments and perhaps they are more important than you would like to let on, maybe you want a way out, if you do then please take today as an opportunity to tell me exactly how you feel.

all my love

Ali    xx

How naive was I?

Writing this down helped to see more clearly, and this letter, a letter I have kept for twenty years, goodness knows why...Yes I know why, I loved him with a passion and if the truth be known , my heart still hold a place for him, I don't constantly think about him nor does he encroach upon the love of my life ,my soulmate.



The realization blasted through my mind!
The realization blasted through my mind!

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Comments 25 comments

Teresa McGurk profile image

Teresa McGurk 7 years ago from The Other Bangor

Yeah. I have a letter like that, myself. Thank goodness I didn't send it, either. Neat idea for a hub.


Hawkesdream profile image

Hawkesdream 7 years ago from Cornwall Author

Thank you Teresa, was hoping you would be first, wasn't sure what the reaction would be to this one. Was in twominds whether to actually publish it.


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States

Strange the dam we build with one another, matchstick upon matchstick applied with spit and hope to hold back our DNA. They serve a warm drink, one part love, one part trust, two parts realism and two parts pragmatism, drunk while the Utopian balances the hearts of three people upon their nose. Here we wear our hearts like sleep masks and kick down the damn matchsticks, releasing the flood of tears. Miniature engineers stand and shake their heads in disbelief as house trailers of the illusions are swept away downstream. Somewhere, though, there is a sea where our salt is all shared.


Hawkesdream profile image

Hawkesdream 7 years ago from Cornwall Author

Hi Tom, had to read your comment two or three times, think you are saying that here is a place to talk, and here is where our lives become whole for our own sanity,...here we get back to grass roots and live on.

If this a correct analysis ,I thank you.

Hello wei654231, thanks for dropping by


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States

I wrote you a poem. I noticed you can't format a poem in a comment square! Not sure if this is THE place, but it is a good place. :-)


Hawkesdream profile image

Hawkesdream 7 years ago from Cornwall Author

I thank you Tom, I have never had a poem written for me before, I did like it so, and tried to read your emotion...hope I got it right. Your right this is a very good place, I feel the changes every day.


goldentoad profile image

goldentoad 7 years ago from Free and running....

that was really something to read. thank you for being real about it.


Hawkesdream profile image

Hawkesdream 7 years ago from Cornwall Author

Hi goldentoad, the letter was as I wrote it 20 years ago only came across it the other day, I can't throw it don't know why, hubbie hasn't even seen it and we have been married 16 years.


goldentoad profile image

goldentoad 7 years ago from Free and running....

I can't throw anything I write away, even if its a junky paragraph I wrote when I was in jr high, I got plenty of notes, hidden


Hawkesdream profile image

Hawkesdream 7 years ago from Cornwall Author

Glad I'm not the only one then haha


Amy G 7 years ago

I'm glad you found your soulmate. And there's no reason for him to ever see that, it would just stir the pot.

Thanks for answering - and sharing such a personal story.


Hawkesdream profile image

Hawkesdream 7 years ago from Cornwall Author

No problem, Amy G, when I saw your request ,I just had to tell.


k@ri profile image

k@ri 7 years ago from Sunny Southern California

There is something about HubPages that lets us bare our souls...I understand about still having a place in your heart for him. (Sigh)


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

It's amazing when we reflect on events in our past how naive we were at the time and just so GULLIBLE!


Hawkesdream profile image

Hawkesdream 7 years ago from Cornwall Author

k@ri, Thanks for understanding.

Heck Cindy, talk about gullible, stupid more like.

wei654231, thank you for dropping in, have you never written a letter and not sent it?


Iphigenia 7 years ago

Hawkesdream - you were right to save the letter and to share it now. It was time to share it and I imagine that over the next few weeks you will feel a benefit for having done so. You may feel that you have closed, or tidied up, or accepted a chapter from your past. You may resolve residual guilt. You may touch the young girl that you were and indulge her naivity. You will feel the support of your friends here.

Your hub may encourage others to dig something out of their pasts that could do with an airing !


Hawkesdream profile image

Hawkesdream 7 years ago from Cornwall Author

Thanks Iphy, I do so appreciate your support.


Laila Rajaratnam profile image

Laila Rajaratnam 7 years ago from India

Hawkesdream..thanks for sharing a part of your life and your feelings.Glad you found your soulmate,but the sweetness and memories of firstlove never dies!


Hawkesdream profile image

Hawkesdream 7 years ago from Cornwall Author

thanks for dropping in Laila, and what you say is so true.


LittleWhistle profile image

LittleWhistle 7 years ago

Incredible. Absolutely, positively. Clarity that it became for you, priceless. Thanks Hawkes, for your honesty and heart. These relationships haunt us forever don't they?


Hawkesdream profile image

Hawkesdream 7 years ago from Cornwall Author

Hey Little Whistle, thanks for dropping in, you are so right, they do haunt us forever.


Ms. Led 7 years ago

My attachment was to a man (a new divorcee) actually he lied on his profile saying he was divorced. He was short and a little on the pudgey side (but had a great sense of humor) we clicked on so many levels. He was handsome in a way that grew on me (ethnic but looked more italian than mexican) All Business attire and a stringent way about him; a classic over achiever with a haughty attitude. (i thought he was responsible and well educated, a hardworking family man) He loved his kids or at least appeared to and eventually introduced me to them. It was love at first sight for them and me(they loved me and I loved them) he spent two years going through the motions with me and one day when I made it clear that I didn't want to play house but wanted that commitment everything changed (we ended instantly) In the end he turned out to be Narcissist. When we ended no one could believe it, not even his family. I thought he was just scared. Not so. He was bitter over the money she took and he was passive aggressive. Un-trusting and seeking anyone or anything that could make him believe what he wanted to about himself. He said some hurtful haunting things to me and all I ever did was try to love him unconditionally. Later his Mother revealed to me that she suspected that he never even loved his ex-wife (ever) yet they had three kids and here I was willing to step in and nurture and love them as my own. Oh well...I learned a valuable lesson. I pray for him every day. I miss his children and we stay in contact (as often as we can) now he is on the outside. I have the love of God...self respect and the kindness of heart that wonders what ever happened that made him that way. My letter never got sent....but the message will be delivered one day (in introspection when he meets his true self or his creator one day)they say when the student is ready the teacher arrives. I agree, it is good to get it out. this is how we learn and grow. Learn the lesson, keep the experience, loose the baggage, grow in grace!......PINS


Hawkesdream profile image

Hawkesdream 7 years ago from Cornwall Author

Thank you so much Ms Led, for sharing your story, some letters we never send are so heartfelt and real, and I agree with you the experience is a learning curve and I do believe it makes us stronger.


RNMSN profile image

RNMSN 7 years ago from Tucson, Az

way to go hawksdream! having that relationship was a lesson hard won for you and your reward (obviously) was your soulmate!! great letter/hub


Hawkesdream profile image

Hawkesdream 7 years ago from Cornwall Author

Thank you RNMSN, for reading, it definitely was a hard lesson, thanks again

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