The Meanest Woman in Lancaster- a mostly true story.

Lancaster Police Department 1973. At least six of these guys are dead. Gone but not forgotten. I am the second guy kneeling on the left, TJ is the first.

I was working the night shift out of Patrol Division :)

Actually, I was the watch commander in my little town of less than 10,000 people in the mid seventies when we encountered the meanest woman in Lancaster, SC. (She is dead now so I feel comfortable telling this story.)

My numer two guy Cpl R. D. (we'll just call him RD from now on) stopped a car late one night as a possible Driving Under the Influence. I headed over to back him up because, you never know. A word or two about RD. He was not "slow" in the classic sense but his calmness and nerves were surely legend. 

He told me on the radio that he had a white female who was probably a DUI and would not get out of the car. As I pulled up I saw RD standing at the opened driver's door talking to the lady. I was about to get out when she pulled off, leaving RD standing there.

I jerked my car into drive and peeled out ................. but stopped when I got to RD. He turned to look in my car window and said "Well, I'll be damned."

He said it with absolutely no excitement, no anger,no emotion, just flat and matter of fact.

Like Buford T. Justice, I was in hot pursuit! But was disappointed to catch up quickly as the chasee was only going about 40 mph. RD fell in behind me and I passed the woman. I began to slow down in order to stop her and suddenly she rammed the back of my car!

Hard!

Twice!

Then I heard RD's calm voice on the radio "Look out,......uh, ..... I think ..........she's going to ram you."

"No shit!" I thought as she hit me the third time. I locked the brakes and we skidded to a stop. Now I have never hit a woman in my life and I have never wanted to more than that night.

Effie Lee was a huge, Camel smoking, Budweiser guzzling mountain of a woman. (She had a last name but I think I'll leave it out.) She sat frozen behind the wheel of her car with both her hands locked on the steering wheel and stared straight ahead. I asked her kindly to please step out of the vehicle. She questioned the likelihood that my parents had ever been married, the size and very existence of my privates and said a lot of other stuff that would make most guys in the Navy blush. It went downhill from there.

Shortly, my Lieutenant, T.J .showed up. And as he often did while I worked for him, he managed to do something I couldn't . He conned her into getting out of the car. I don't remember how,  but he was forever doing stuff like that. I worked for him when I made detective and he was always getting confessions I couldn't, finding evidence I missed, you know irritating stuff like that. Drove me nuts! Anyway he got her out and we took her in. End of story? Not hardly.

At the station we had the dispatcher search Effie Lee since they were both female and then Effie called her a "smirky faced bitch". I have to admit that was funny. When Effie blew into the breathalyzer there was so much alcohol on her breath it got drunk, flew to Vegas and married a slot machine! We put her in the women's cell in our little jail and "resumed routine patrol". That means we went looking for free coffee and girls at the local 7-11.

About an hour later the "smirky faced bitch" dispatcher was on the radio yelling about a fire at the PD. When I pulled up, Lt. TJ was carrying a smoking matress out the front door into the parking lot. Effie Lee had sat the jail on fire!

About a year later I got a call to Effie Lee's house for a criminal domestic violence. Hard to imagine, isn't it?

She was the suspect. Her husband was about half her size, meek as a lamb and I never felt sorrier for a man. I know he lived a hard life because we all did that one night in Lancaster.


The patch we wore on our uniforms in the 70's. None of the Campaign hats survived!

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Comments 66 comments

NCWriterDK profile image

NCWriterDK 6 years ago

Very entertaining! Count me as a fan...


resspenser profile image

resspenser 6 years ago from South Carolina Author

Thanks, NC. I'm glad you enjoyed it.


Lady_E profile image

Lady_E 6 years ago from London, UK

Interesting Read but my goodness she was a Psycho.

Regards, E.


resspenser profile image

resspenser 6 years ago from South Carolina Author

For a small town we have our share!

Thanks!


Its Angel profile image

Its Angel 6 years ago from Charleston, SC

LOL well, being I live in Charleston, let me tell you to be careful! Now that you told the story Effie Lee may come back to haunt you! Thats what they do down here in the Lowcountry anyway! this was a great story, I believe it, I really do. Great Hub!


resspenser profile image

resspenser 6 years ago from South Carolina Author

Thanks you so much for reading my hub. I have enhoyed several of yours as well. Tell Conroy I said "Howdy". :)


Its Angel profile image

Its Angel 6 years ago from Charleston, SC

I will! I have actually gotten to speak with him at a book signing for his new one "South of Broad" He is a really nice person! And thank you for reading mine! I appreciate it!


resspenser profile image

resspenser 6 years ago from South Carolina Author

:) I was kidding. While I did meet Mickey Spillane, I have never had the pleasure of meeting Pat Conroy. But I did love the last book.

Thanks.


Don Bobbitt profile image

Don Bobbitt 6 years ago from Ruskin Florida

My Man! What a Hoot! I have a lot of Law Enforcement people in my family, and I have heard a few really f=great stories. But, You took a few words, and built a hilarious short story. I envy you your gift! Keep at it!


resspenser profile image

resspenser 6 years ago from South Carolina Author

Thanks, Don. Hope you guys are buttoned down for the storm although I guess it is not supposed to be all that bad. Appreciate the comment but you don't have to envy me. You do a great job!!!


Michael Ray King profile image

Michael Ray King 6 years ago from Palm Coast

My father is a retired police officer. I'm sure he'd get a kick out of this hub.


resspenser profile image

resspenser 6 years ago from South Carolina Author

Thanks for taking the time to read it! Hope you are feeling better.


ripplemaker profile image

ripplemaker 6 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

Resspenser, your hub made it into the Hubnuggets List! Congratulations... :) to read more about it, click here: http://hubpages.com/hubnuggets10/hub/come-on-down


resspenser profile image

resspenser 6 years ago from South Carolina Author

Thanks, Ripplemaker! I was shocked to find this out yesterday. I just stumbled upon it in the forums. I am in some awesome company there!


GreenMathDr profile image

GreenMathDr 6 years ago

A very entertaining Hub. Congratulations on your nomination.


resspenser profile image

resspenser 6 years ago from South Carolina Author

Thanks for the comment. There are several very good ones nominated and I feel honored to be in the bunch!


rebekahhs profile image

rebekahhs 6 years ago

So great! Loved the description of Effie Lee. Congratulations on a well-deserved nomination!


resspenser profile image

resspenser 6 years ago from South Carolina Author

Thanks, Rebekahhs. She was a real piece of work!


AEvans profile image

AEvans 6 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

She sounded like a mean woman! I would not have wanted to run into her in the middle of the night. Catching a mattress on fire? Oh my goodness I see all of you had your hands full for quite sometime, what happened to her in the end?


resspenser profile image

resspenser 6 years ago from South Carolina Author

Lee Marvin came to the lock up the next day looking for 12 guys to go behind enemy lines...........

I don't know. I just heard she died. Probably the Camels!


JaShinYa profile image

JaShinYa 6 years ago from Harrisburg, PA

That was well written!

I have to admit, the only reason I click on this hub is because I thought you meant Lancaster, PA which is close by to me. But I have to say I am pleased! Police stories can be very entertaining


resspenser profile image

resspenser 6 years ago from South Carolina Author

We run the word "Lancaster" together. It is almost one syllable.

You guys seem to say LAN CAST ER. With an emphasis on LAN.

Thanks for stopping by.


JaShinYa profile image

JaShinYa 6 years ago from Harrisburg, PA

Depends on where you go. I say it the way you do and anyone who lives in Lancaster gets offended when it's said the other way. haha.

No Problem! You have a new fan!


resspenser profile image

resspenser 6 years ago from South Carolina Author

I love it when a fan comes together. I will check out your hubs as well.


Lew 6 years ago

I remember a policeman in Lancaster about that time and think his initials might have been TJ. Is he the one who the girls said looked like Tom Selleck ?


resspenser profile image

resspenser 6 years ago from South Carolina Author

Yeah, but he has gotten really old, lost his hair and all his teeth fell out!

Who is this "Lew" person? LOL :):)


Merihem 6 years ago

Great story!


resspenser profile image

resspenser 6 years ago from South Carolina Author

Thanks, Merihem. Appreciate the comment.


Luciendasky profile image

Luciendasky 6 years ago from Florence, OR

This was totally AWESOME... I can't believe she started the jail on fire...

tell me, did the slot machine and breathalyzer have a good marriage ;)?


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 6 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

LOL I'm chuckling at Luciendasky's comment about the breathalyzer and the slot machine!

This is a hoot of a story and I bet you've got hundreds more. But this takes the cake.

Dare I ask how Effie was able to set the mattress on fire? Perhaps back int he '70s they allowed smoking even in the drunk tank?

You've got another new fan in me! MM


resspenser profile image

resspenser 6 years ago from South Carolina Author

Luciendasky,

Oh, yeah for a while. Then they drifted apart. One had a drinking problem the other was addicted to gambling. It just was not meant to be, I guess. I really hated to hear about the divorce and the split custody of the little blender babies.

That's life!


resspenser profile image

resspenser 6 years ago from South Carolina Author

Mighty Mom,

You are right and generally we did not allow smoking. Effie was so angry TJ let her have the smokes hoping she would calm down. Didn't work.


ThePeeDeeWildcat 6 years ago from Just Across The State Line

Maybe she grew up in Chesterfield?


resspenser profile image

resspenser 6 years ago from South Carolina Author

Could be. She might have been a Sowell. My grandfather grew up between Pageland and Jefferson. LOL!!!

I am going to check out your hubs. Got any watermelon stories over there?


ThePeeDeeWildcat 6 years ago from Just Across The State Line

Might have been an Atkinson.


Tammy Lochmann profile image

Tammy Lochmann 6 years ago

Congrats on the hubnugget thing! I enjoyed this story the first time I read it.


resspenser profile image

resspenser 6 years ago from South Carolina Author

Thanks, Tammy. Congrats to you for winning last week.

How will we ever spend all the prize money?? LOL!!!


janiek13 profile image

janiek13 6 years ago from Florida's Space Coast

Funny!! I like your writing style.


resspenser profile image

resspenser 6 years ago from South Carolina Author

Thanks, Janiek13.

At first, I thought you meant it was funny that you liked my writing style!

:)


Tammy Lochmann profile image

Tammy Lochmann 6 years ago

LOL there was prize money?


resspenser profile image

resspenser 6 years ago from South Carolina Author

No, but thousands flocked to my hubs like lemmings!


Dao Hoa profile image

Dao Hoa 6 years ago

Whew! Lucky for for me. I visited Lancaster,SC, in the 80s. I would be scared to run into her then and you did twice! My sister lived in Pineville, NC at the time and my parents live in Lancaster, PA. LOL! I also thought this was about my hometown!

I am also joining your fan club. We need a good laugh once in a while. Thanks.


resspenser profile image

resspenser 6 years ago from South Carolina Author

Thanks, Dao Hoa.

How on earth do you pronounce that? :)

Thanks for joining the fan club!


debugs profile image

debugs 6 years ago from Odessey777, Umbris

This is so cool. I am twisted and I like bad women.. lol! I am joining your fans club!!!!


resspenser profile image

resspenser 6 years ago from South Carolina Author

Thanks, debugs. I have been over checking out some of your hubs. You do have an attitude! :D

Keep it up!


James A Watkins profile image

James A Watkins 6 years ago from Chicago

That's a great story. I grew up around a lot of southern transplants to Michigan—Hillbillies—and I have known more than one woman similar to Effie Lee. At at least one I know quite well. Good writin'!


resspenser profile image

resspenser 6 years ago from South Carolina Author

Thank ya', James. Ya'll comebacknow!


carolina muscle profile image

carolina muscle 6 years ago from Charlotte, North Carolina

Very funny post. I enjoyed it!


resspenser profile image

resspenser 6 years ago from South Carolina Author

Hey, I appreciate it! Glad you liked it.


alterity 6 years ago

Nice story - and i'm glad i never met her!


alterity 6 years ago

Nice story - and i'm glad i never met her!


resspenser profile image

resspenser 6 years ago from South Carolina Author

Thanks and thanks.


Madame X 6 years ago

Sometimes I wonder why people get married in the first place. I guess that little guy really loved her, at first anyway. Very interesting story! Thanks :)


resspenser profile image

resspenser 6 years ago from South Carolina Author

It was probably what we call a shotgun weddding!

Yikes!!!!

Thanks for reading.


Blackout Shades 6 years ago from Australia

I like your writing style, thanks


Terri Meredith profile image

Terri Meredith 6 years ago from Pennsylvania

I was a bartender years ago and have met several people like our girl Effie. It's never so funny at the time as it is in the re-telling. Good job.


vietnamvet68 profile image

vietnamvet68 6 years ago from New York State

Interesting story, they say women are always louder than men when they have been drinking.


resspenser profile image

resspenser 6 years ago from South Carolina Author

vet68, Thanks for reading. I've been checking out your hubs, too.


Alastar Packer profile image

Alastar Packer 5 years ago from North Carolina

Effie Lee..no she wasn't the one. The one I'm thinking about had brown medium straight hair was good-lookin and had a body to die for and i believe her name was Susan. She moved up to Rock Hill. Effie sure was a rounder! You took me back to those times there in that area and thanks for an enjoyable look at the Lancaster PD in action. Man it was like 'The Dukes of Hazard' sometimes in those days. Look forward to reading more of your great story's resspenser. Its really fine to meet you.


resspenser profile image

resspenser 5 years ago from South Carolina Author

Thanks for reading this one, Alastar. Are you from the Charlotte area?


Ghost32 5 years ago

This one was so good, I had to call my disabled little redheaded wife out of her bedroom to hear me read it aloud to her. Her balance isn't good this morning, and she bounced off the walls a couple of times getting here, but it did her good. I think.

She shuffled safely back without hitting anything at all. Again, I think.

Voted Up and Wish There Were More Buttons to Click.


resspenser profile image

resspenser 5 years ago from South Carolina Author

Thanks, Ghost32. I appreciate you reading some of my hubs and commenting. My step son has a problem with balance as well and water therapy has been priceless.


Becky Katz profile image

Becky Katz 4 years ago from Hereford, AZ

My husband tells about the giant black lady who beat her husband when she got drunk. He always got sent to the calls involving her because she lahked him. He could get her to do things that she would beat on the other cops for. The little husband got fed up and git a pistol. She got drunk and started popping him with the flat of her hand, which was twice as large as his head. He pulled out his new pistol and emptied it. When my husband got there, she was beating on the bathroom door trying to break it down. When the 22 didn't stop her, he ran for the bathroom and locked himself in. My husband hauled her off to the hospital, where they removed the bullets from her stomach fat and sent her to the jail. Not enough cal. for the excessive fat. Never made it through the fat to the stomach.


resspenser profile image

resspenser 4 years ago from South Carolina Author

Thanks Becky, that's a good story!


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 4 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

I guess I missed this one. Effie sounds like one of my old girlfriends!


resspenser profile image

resspenser 4 years ago from South Carolina Author

In that case, I feel your pain!

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