The problems with an addictive mind .......

for those who know....



Who said that , "no matter where you go , well there you are ", he thought ....sitting there on the back steps , staring down at his bare feet , picking up the coffee cup and downing the last bit ,grounds and all . I mean isn't that how addicts think , take it all ? Drink the next bottle while hurrying to get to the next one or the new one , hell go get some more ! He had slept fittfully last night and as with most nights now ,he awoke in the morning simply as tired as when he went to bed the night before .

But then that's the way they said it would be ,didn't they ? What is it called now -......oh yes ... A dry drunk , now that he was in the " program " he knew most of the terms . And yet , more than that he had been there too , when even after years of being free of the physcal addiction , you awaken with the echoes of a hangover from years before , that dull ache behind the eye's and your stomach wamting to turn itself inside out .,and the very same empty feeling that you had before you spent that evening running from reality . He reached over to get his tee-shirt and then wiped the persperation from his brow .


Thinking about failing, he thought about calling an old friend , a " sponsor ", but what for , he thought ,he knew what he would say anyway ....
' its all about how the next five minites go !"
" just take it a moment at a time "
"you can do this "
" it's just a memory of a hangover , not a real hangoover "

The dappling of the morning sun through the leaves , moved back and forth across the ground where he had tilled the earth for his first attempt at raising his own garden . the broken sod and the fresh brown earth smoothed out in preparation for the planting , all he needed now though was a reason , he thought . The energy to rise up , shake off this feeling of doom ,
"After all , its just impulse control ", he said out loud .

He knew too that he had alot of making up to do , the sounds coming from behind him reminded him of the most important part of the equation ,the most important part of all ! Family ! He listened as the srcreen door hinges sqeaked open and the bare feet of his daughter came across the porch floor behind him .

"Good morning Dad !'.......And as he turned to look into the innocent and brightly lit eyes of the most amazing angel here on earth , his daughter he smiled , a slow spreading and comepletely heartfelt smile formed across his face , and then hers too !
"What " , she asked as she grinned .
"Hey Dad , are we going to start the garden this morning like you said we would ?" and look of concern followed the question ........
But he just grinned at the most beautiful part of being free , of being happy and knowing that
he can beat this ...Thing ! this addiction .
"Why are you grinning at me like that , !" she asked again .Hitting him on the upper arm !


He laughed out loud and smiled , "Yes , we are !"
"You and me ?" she quizzed him ......
"
Yupp ! Just one more cup of coffee , and after I make you the best daaarned' blueberry pancakes you ever had in your life '!

"Yess ! ", she said rising up , two hands reaching above her head then , reaching down and taking his coffee mug from his hand and running off towards the kitchen door ........

"Come on Dad , lets get a move on !".........and he thought


Yes ! I will win , I can beat this thing , I have to beat this thing !.....moving towards the door and wondering at the same time .
God , help me to remember how to make pancakes
!

The smile spread from ear to ear as he though silently , There , right there is the reason that I will not fail !..............

The End ........







Comments 18 comments

shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 3 years ago from Texas

This leaves me feeling kind of melancholy, but hopeful at the same time.


Beth37 3 years ago

Wonderful Ed.


cleaner3 profile image

cleaner3 3 years ago from Pueblo, Colorado

I battle the addictive thoughts everyday.. you can never win .. just fight from day to day .. if you fall down ..get back up .. if you make it through the day .. pray to god to give you the strength for tommorow .. He who has faith in himself and the Almighty.. to help him .. will go on .. to just another day .!


Cantuhearmescream profile image

Cantuhearmescream 3 years ago from New York

Oh Ed, this is wonderful... many times the addiction is stronger than the want to stop... I've seen the struggle and the disappointment, the shame and the guilt... but this man, this father, this hero... he will make the best blueberry pancakes that little girl's ever had!!!

Beautiful Ed!

Hugs,

Cat


Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

Gypsy Rose Lee 3 years ago from Riga, Latvia

Voted up. Now I want to go get some pancakes. Enjoyed your story lots. Hope you're having a great Memorial Day weekend.


ahorseback profile image

ahorseback 3 years ago Author

Cleaner my friend , You are never alone !........best wishes Ed.


ahorseback profile image

ahorseback 3 years ago Author

~ Shanmarie such a pretty name

~Cat another lovely dame

~Beth a friend I lsure ove

~Gypsy sent from above........Thank you ladies !


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 3 years ago from Texas

Aw, thanks Ed. :)


ahorseback profile image

ahorseback 3 years ago Author

I hope all is well there in Texas Shan!


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 3 years ago from Texas

All is as well as it can be. :) Best wishes to you too!


ahorseback profile image

ahorseback 3 years ago Author

Watch those storms my friend !


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 3 years ago from Texas

What storms? If there are more in the area today, I haven't heard of any. Last night a line of them ran pretty much parallel to where I am, but by the time it got to us, it was just rain.


ahorseback profile image

ahorseback 3 years ago Author

Shan , NO ! Just these storms in general ! Sounds so dangerous out there with the tornados !/......:-]


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 3 years ago from Texas

LOL. oh. Yeah. I'm terrified of tornadoes. I've seen one on the ground and many a funnel cloud, but I love storms.


ImKarn23 profile image

ImKarn23 3 years ago

jesus, cowboy - i gots da shivers - and - da shivers gots da goosebumpses on tops!

This was simply perfect - i have too many people i need to send this to - sadly - one of whom just fell off that wagon - after over 2 years of sobriety - and being a sponsor..

terribly sad - and so scary for him, i'm sure!

with love - sharing on


ahorseback profile image

ahorseback 3 years ago Author

Thank you Leslie , Your so cool !.......many of us all lie a bit too close to the edges of being "Okay ", a friend of mind says ......"I can never drink , one drink is too many and a hundred ain't enough " , I balance myself on the edges , but hey ! I have an addictive mind ! ......Hugs sweety !


billybuc profile image

billybuc 3 years ago from Olympia, WA

Whatever it takes my friend. Six and a half years ago I made the decision to live....today, life has never been better. :) Great write!


ahorseback profile image

ahorseback 3 years ago Author

Hello Billybuc , yes , one day at a time ! Thank you for reading , I hear many great things about you !......Ed

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