The problems with an addictive mind .......
for those who know....
Who said that , "no matter where you go , well there you are ", he thought ....sitting there on the back steps , staring down at his bare feet , picking up the coffee cup and downing the last bit ,grounds and all . I mean isn't that how addicts think , take it all ? Drink the next bottle while hurrying to get to the next one or the new one , hell go get some more ! He had slept fittfully last night and as with most nights now ,he awoke in the morning simply as tired as when he went to bed the night before .
But then that's the way they said it would be ,didn't they ? What is it called now -......oh yes ... A dry drunk , now that he was in the " program " he knew most of the terms . And yet , more than that he had been there too , when even after years of being free of the physcal addiction , you awaken with the echoes of a hangover from years before , that dull ache behind the eye's and your stomach wamting to turn itself inside out .,and the very same empty feeling that you had before you spent that evening running from reality . He reached over to get his tee-shirt and then wiped the persperation from his brow .
Thinking about failing, he thought about calling an old friend , a " sponsor ", but what for , he thought ,he knew what he would say anyway ....
' its all about how the next five minites go !"
" just take it a moment at a time "
"you can do this "
" it's just a memory of a hangover , not a real hangoover "
The dappling of the morning sun through the leaves , moved back and forth across the ground where he had tilled the earth for his first attempt at raising his own garden . the broken sod and the fresh brown earth smoothed out in preparation for the planting , all he needed now though was a reason , he thought . The energy to rise up , shake off this feeling of doom ,
"After all , its just impulse control ", he said out loud .
He knew too that he had alot of making up to do , the sounds coming from behind him reminded him of the most important part of the equation ,the most important part of all ! Family ! He listened as the srcreen door hinges sqeaked open and the bare feet of his daughter came across the porch floor behind him .
"Good morning Dad !'.......And as he turned to look into the innocent and brightly lit eyes of the most amazing angel here on earth , his daughter he smiled , a slow spreading and comepletely heartfelt smile formed across his face , and then hers too !
"What " , she asked as she grinned .
"Hey Dad , are we going to start the garden this morning like you said we would ?" and look of concern followed the question ........
But he just grinned at the most beautiful part of being free , of being happy and knowing that
he can beat this ...Thing ! this addiction .
"Why are you grinning at me like that , !" she asked again .Hitting him on the upper arm !
He laughed out loud and smiled , "Yes , we are !"
"You and me ?" she quizzed him ......
Yupp ! Just one more cup of coffee , and after I make you the best daaarned' blueberry pancakes you ever had in your life '!
"Yess ! ", she said rising up , two hands reaching above her head then , reaching down and taking his coffee mug from his hand and running off towards the kitchen door ........
"Come on Dad , lets get a move on !".........and he thought
Yes ! I will win , I can beat this thing , I have to beat this thing !.....moving towards the door and wondering at the same time .
God , help me to remember how to make pancakes !
The smile spread from ear to ear as he though silently , There , right there is the reason that I will not fail !..............
The End ........