These Tears

Yes, I will admit that these are selfish tears tonight

I should be sleeping, but instead it seems I must write

For you, for me, I tried so hard not to cry

And I didn't much, but I remember well when you died

I also remember a promise I so long ago naively made

Of course I could not keep it, but you knew life works that way

You laughed about it, but not at me

You just knew that good intentions set aside, life often chooses our priorities

I tried hard to keep in touch

And hoped you knew how much you are loved

But I never got to say goodbye

Or the chance to say I love you one last time

I couldn't even be there as you were laid to rest

And I wonder if that was for the best

One lesson learned the hard way, though

Is that when it's too late one just never knows

You are a very important reason why I take every chance I've got

To say I love you and let a person know I care a lot

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Comments 22 comments

ImKarn23 profile image

ImKarn23 2 years ago

I don't know who you're talking about here, shan, but this poem caused a huge lump in my throat!

Beautiful words - even more beautiful sentimentxx


Wrath Warbone profile image

Wrath Warbone 2 years ago from Cleveland, Ohio

Such a sad poem, but so true to life. I'm sorry that happened. Sometimes there is more to it than we really know. Sometimes life is bigger than we are. I bet the person understands, and appreciates you much.


wayne barrett profile image

wayne barrett 2 years ago from Clearwater Florida

Brings to mind too many moments I've had over the past few years. But memories are good. It keeps the best remnants alive.

Wonderful work.


ocfireflies profile image

ocfireflies 2 years ago from North Carolina

So Honest and Real. Sad but Awesome poem. V+

Blessings,

Kim


ahorseback profile image

ahorseback 2 years ago

Shannie darling ! That loved one understands , I believe that wholeheartedly ! When you look in the mirror next , say to yourself

" I am such a loving and beautiful person , I know you forgive me " --because I'll bet they do . Big old hug from me to you !.....Ed


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 2 years ago from TEXAS

This seems to resonate with your love for your dear grandmother. Whether or not you told her constantly how much you love(d) her, she knew and knows, wherever she 'is' after being laid to rest. She'd want you to pursue your own best life and fulfillment, to be the beacon for your own sweet family and never to feel insufficient, guilty, or regretful, but to actively radiate your inner love, joy and peace to those most dependent on it within your own sphere.

It is neither necessary nor proof of it to vocalize it constantly, nor to feel you need to apologize for anything you think you've failed to do or have done.

You've lots to DO going forward and have much to experience as an effective person doing so.


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 2 years ago from Texas Author

Thanks, Leslie. I'm not usually that emotional about it, but I was last night for some reason. Probably because some memories came in conjunction with lots of other things I was also thinking about.


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 2 years ago from Texas Author

Thank you, Wrath Warbone. Life is definitely bigger than we are. Plenty is out of our control and what we do control is how we handle it.


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 2 years ago from Texas Author

Thanks, Wayne. I'm sorry that you're reminded of so many recent moments like this. I've had a few myself, but I don't usually let them hit me so hard. I wouldn't even say it was so hard last night. I just somehow felt compelled to write about it so that I could sleep. I didn't have a pen and paper, but I had my phone and I had HP. :) So there it is.


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 2 years ago from Texas Author

Thank you, Kim! I rather like the description of 'real' whenever someone says that about something I write. Real is good and real is relatable.


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 2 years ago from Texas Author

Aww. . . Eddie, darlin', what a sweetheart you are! I am certain there is no need for forgiveness, though. :) I don't feel guilt. Life happens. It's more of a reflection on how certain events and memories impacted me. There's more to it than actually shared or expressed within the poem. And, truth be told, I know that any different actions by me would mostly just have been to my own benefit due to other circumstances.


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 2 years ago from Texas Author

Nellieanna, I intentionally used the word love in the present tense. I don’t ever really stop loving anyone once I start even if the nature of it changes. And death or separation of any other kind do not necessarily mean love stops.

To say that I seize ‘every’ opportunity is a stretch, of course. It’s rather obvious that life happened, happens, and will continue to happen. It’s simply the nature of things. Contrary to how it might seem as viewed through the eyes of certain people, I am not clingy or emotionally needy and I don’t expect everyone to act according to my whims or to react in a particular manner to anything I may say or express. If I choose to explain myself, it’s for my own reasons that have more to do with my personal beliefs rather than anything pertaining to the other person(s) involved. If explaining and expressing myself sheds a better light on my own perspective or changes another’s view of what my perspective, feelings, motives, etc. might have been, I can’t control that. But, it is my personal belief that it can be part of what may aid another in giving benefit of the doubt where needed. Of course, it can also have the opposite effect. All I know is that expressing myself has benefits for me, regardless of how someone else receives it.

To me, taking every opportunity is more than just saying the words and verbally expressing affection, anyway. There are so many other ways to make it known and even doing that naturally seems to ebb and flow within the tide of relationships. I do, however, tend to make it clear how I feel at the core after there has been tension with someone. Again, that’s mostly for my own benefit, though I do of course hope that it benefits the other to that know I care. It reminds me of these lyrics I wrote. I don’t think I ever made a hub of it, though.

A Bad Memory

2/6/2003

I’ve seen the damage done

When two people filled with so much love

Just throw it all away

In a violent fit of rage

So the only thing left between you and me

Is a bad memory

But I can’t do it all again

Nothing left to do but catch my second wind

I tell myself I must stay strong

Because my life, it will go on

Life cares nothing for regrets I may have made

And I must live with my mistakes

Hopefully I’ll look back

And the misery won’t be so bad

Still for now all I know

Is if I could have another go

That’s not at all the way I would want it to end

Oh, I’d still have a friend

But I can’t do it all again

Nothing left to do but catch my second wind

I tell myself I must stay strong

Because my life, it will go on

Life cares nothing for regrets I may have made

And I must live with my mistakes

I wish you nothing but the best

Of love and happiness

But I’d do anything to see you one more day

To have a better last memory to take away

But I can’t do it all again

Nothing left to do but catch my second wind

I tell myself I must stay strong

Because my life, it will go on

Life cares nothing for regrets I may have made

And I must live with my mistakes

As for apologies, people say “I’m sorry” for many reasons. Often, it isn’t even an expression of being apologetic. It’s more of an “excuse me” that is meant or an expression of sympathy. A true apology is used when one intentionally or unintentionally harms someone in some way and is sincere in wishing that event had not occurred or is truly mindful of the effect it had on someone else, if that makes sense. We can teach a child to say the words after saying something mean or after hitting, but if a child does not feel any kind of remorse, it’s not really an apology. It’s just going through the motions.

So, I don’t expect apologies and I usually don’t ask for them. If I have to ask, it’s like the child apologizing solely because he was told to and I wonder at its sincerity. So if I do ask for one, it is only because I believe the person I asked truly cares about the effect their actions had on me but perhaps did not realize it. And I have usually thought about whether or not it would be warranted. Many times it is not warranted even if I initially thought it might be, which isn’t all that often either.

Really, I am far more likely to apologize than to ask for one. And that is also for my own reasoning. I learned long ago not to be too proud to apologize when needed. If I feel I may have inadvertently been careless or insensitive to someone else, I will without hesitation apologize for that. I will not, however, apologize for having my own thoughts, opinions, and perspective. Because it is never a desire of mine to intentionally hurt or offend someone, I sometimes believe it is necessary to apologize and especially necessary if I intentionally said or did something that was perceived as an intentional offense.

Well, now that I wrote a book in response. . . it’s yours to read or not. haha


Jackie Lynnley profile image

Jackie Lynnley 2 years ago from The Beautiful South

Very beautiful and holds true for most of us I am sure for someone dear who has passed on.


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 2 years ago from Texas Author

Sadly, but probably so, Jackie. We've probably also all told someone else that "they" knew you lived "them" or some version of that.


Faith Reaper profile image

Faith Reaper 2 years ago from southern USA

Beautifully written, dear Shan. We should take every opportunity to let those we love know just how much we love them, as we may never have another opportunity to do so.

Hugs


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 2 years ago from Texas Author

Thank you, Faith Reaper. Hugs back at ya! I hope you're having a beautiful Saturday. I have the day off work, which seems to be rare for my Saturdays so far so I am enjoying it. I'm goofing off with my kids some and doing some writing that needs to be done. I also plan to go through pictures I have on my phone from a trip to the Dallas zoo yesterday with my son's kindergarten class. I have a video clip of the trainers working with the lions too. We got there just in time to see some of that, which was amazing! The speaker was sharing how important it is that they do those positions in order to be checked by the vet for health purposes. I caught some of the bird show in video too. I've shared some of them on FB, but I need to find the ones with my son's little buddy in them (had to chaperone another student) so that I can share them with her mother.

I'm also thrilled to find that the pineapple is sprouting roots. I'll be planting it in a pot soon and will have what will basically amount to an ornamental pineapple house plant. Haha. Takes two years to produce a pineapple, but, hey, you can grow one from the crown, so why not? LOL

Have a blessed day!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 2 years ago from TEXAS

Tears are so valuable. They not only cleanse our eyes, but can refresh our hearts and souls and remind us how wonderfully human we, - and all others, - really are.


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 2 years ago from Texas Author

Yes they do, Nellieanna.


Wrath Warbone profile image

Wrath Warbone 2 years ago from Cleveland, Ohio

Hello, wonderful humans!


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 2 years ago from Texas Author

Haha! Hello, Wrath Warbone!


MsDora profile image

MsDora 2 years ago from The Caribbean

You feel refreshed after the tears, and I'm glad that the loss has left you with a desire to let others know that you care. Beautiful, meaningful words!


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 2 years ago from Texas Author

Thanks, MsDora. So glad to see you here!

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