Things You Should Never Say To a Cashier
People do not believe it, but being a cashier is dangerous work. Cashiers get jabbed and poked by mysterious bags of. . .what's this?. . .oh!. . .never mind. . .cactus leaves buried in layers of plastic produce bags in an effort to avoid the pricks but instead effectively concealing the contents. They also bump and bang themselves, somehow get scratches and bruises on a daily basis. You might be surprised at the many ways a cashier can find pain, including all of the painful noises to the ears. You can help, though, by not saying these things to your cashier.
"Smile, you're prettier when you do."
Obviously, you should never say that to a man. There's no telling what might happen if you do. You might awaken the next Caitlyn Jenner. Who knows, maybe it will surprise him too. Then again, you might get cold cocked.
As for a woman, she is probably wondering if she should accept your backhanded compliment with a simple "thanks" or tell you that you should see her without makeup on when she is truly hideous.
"You look bored. Let me give you something to do."
Really? How nice of you to let me do my job. I was just standing here greeting customers because I had nothing to do. Oh, the shelves I was cleaning, they must be called nothing too. Thanks for pointing that out.
"Don't smash my bread."
You mean like this? Let me just put your bread in here with these canned goods. And while I'm at it, I'll go ahead and put the bowling ball on top of your eggs. If that doesn't work, I'll gladly place it on the floor to stomp it to perfection. Would you like your bananas to have the smash treatment too?
"After you scan this, will you throw it away?"
Cashiers spend countless hours dreaming about handling your child's slobbered on package or throwing away your trash from an item you consumed BEFORE it is paid for. Of course, integrity is a dying art and there is no shame in stealing. You know, because you are going to pay for it.
"It says it's waiting for the cashier."
Oh, pardon me. I didn't hit the payment button while I was busy loading your groceries into your buggy. Next time I will remember to activate my hidden third arm extension.
"You shouldn't have to work on holidays."
And yet you are here. Enough said.
"Can you shoot this with your gun?"
You probably should not hold your item up like that for me to shoot. I am not so sure about my aim, you know. Besides, I am a little busy scanning and bagging the items already on the belt. I will be glad to shoot you - I mean your item - in just a few moments.
"Don't let my kid see this (item I don't want)."
Thanks for allowing the cashier the honor of putting away your child's chosen choice of entertainment for the past half an hour. Be sure she has more self control than your child, because the urge is to "accidentally" let the child see it not go in the bag. Oops, so sorry.
"That was on clearance. And it's the only one."
Could it be, just maybe, someone put it in the wrong place? Customers assume it is the job of the employees to put things back where they go. And it is, but it sure is ten times more difficult when laziness or embarrassment takes over common decency. Seems simple enough, but that is how things often end up with the wrong display price in front of it and random items are often found where they obviously do not belong. Seriously, you should not have to be told a frozen fryer hen does not go behind the candy in the checkout line. Or that your too good to be true clearance item is in fact actually too good to be true. Sorry for the immense disappointment.
"I'm sorry, I was on the phone.'
Oh, good. What a relief! For a second, I thought I was watching a real life soap opera play out before my very eyes. It seemed so real, but I was struggling to catch up on the storyline.
Besides, I am only doing you a service. I do not find your complete lack of social etiquette rude at all. It saves me from the same repetitious small talk I have all day long with a hundred other people. Oh, but do not blame me if I failed to meet your preferences when you could not bother to notice I asked the question. No, worries. I answered the question for you.
"Are you open?"
Nope. I stand at this register with the light on just because I can. Keep on moving down the line. Oh, but by all means, if I am standing behind the register with the light off, please feel free to get in line anyway. No need to ask. I'm obviously open then. And, by all means, take offense when I tell you I am closed. It is, after all, all my fault for standing here with my light off.
More by this Author
Chasing the wind is not always a bad thing. Not always pointless or fruitless. It can take you places you never dreamed.
My response to our friend Bill"s (billybuc) latest challenge.
Camille Rae is set to release her new single "I Need Me" to country radio. Find out when to listen for it here.