This True Test of Self: How Men Love

'This True Test of Self'
'This True Test of Self' | Source
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How Men Love...

'This True Test of Self' - How Men Love... is about the all too common problems that modern men face when it comes to being a part of and maintaining a long term relationship. Many men find it almost impossible to commit to love and completely impossible to commit to love, unconditionally.

Irrespective of their bravo and egos, many men struggle with the fear of rejection, a fear of loss and loss of control and most importantly, a fear of that generally unknown part of them called 'Self.' As a result of those insecurities not being resolved throughout their lives, many men withdraw into themselves, rather than allow what they perceive to be a major character flaw, (if they actually choose to admit to it) to be removed or re-channeled into positive communicative skills. Sadly, what they see as being an unwanted vulnerability, is often the very thing that their potential long term partner finds attractive about them...

Copyright © 2012 - 2013 Pearldiver - Art of the Diver with all rights reserved.

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A few home truths about men that their mothers didn't sort out.

Yes.. Men are complex, generally to their detriment, especially those who allow their self esteem to sink so low, as to habitually self sabotage their own efforts, merely to avoid the things they want most. In that way, they figure that they can not be hurt or be faced with their fears. A large percentage of men 'internalize' their concerns and in that way, their 'out of sight, out of mind' approach, though often admired by their male friends, only serves to create a negative attitude towards issues that should be, for everyone's sake, openly discussed and remedied.

So attempting to gain a relationship commitment from someone who chooses to not even commit to themselves, or their own health, can often be a futile act. Life and hope would be far easier, if men took themselves more seriously and their relationships, both with themselves and others more honestly, irrespective of their perceived fears and insecurities... Yep... I'm a guy who believes a snowball can survive in hell, while that possibility that the place could freeze over, exists! Below is a true life senario called 'This True Test of Self' by Pearldiver... Enjoy.

Copyright © 2012 - 2013 Pearldiver - Art of the Diver with all rights reserved.

How Men Love...

‘This True Test of Self’


To be together as one, with her like this

Would surely quench my now desires

But then what of tomorrow’s dreams

If they fly, on the wings of today’s fears

I can not say, nor can I tell her honestly

How I love her, oh how I need to walk away

She seeks security within her expectations

But great lovers can... and so, I will walk away like any man



And in my blue, I am alone again

Escapee from every possibility of being loved

My inability to commit unconditionally, intact

She sought the security of forever, yesterday...

But then great lovers, freed by love can

How fears of failing yet again, destroyed those plans

And I, didn’t know how, to let go, in this true test of self

So in the only color I know, I just walked away, like a man!


* Profound Words by Pearldiver *

Copyright © 2012 - 2013 Pearldiver - Art of the Diver with all rights reserved.

'On Any Blue Day'
'On Any Blue Day' | Source
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Thank You For Your Comments. 39 comments

SomewayOuttaHere profile image

SomewayOuttaHere 3 years ago from TheGreatGigInTheSky

excellent....luv the last line.....luv the blue pics!


MarleneB profile image

MarleneB 3 years ago from Northern California, USA

My favorite lines... "She sought the security of forever, yesterday..." and "So in the only color I know, I just walked away, like a man!" You have such a handle on this subject. I enjoyed reading your hub. It is truly insightful and gives me a handle on why my husband acts the way that he does.


Pearldiver profile image

Pearldiver 3 years ago from Tomorrow - In Words & NZ Time. Author

Hi ML, glad you read this and saw how interesting average pics can become by simply washing them in a color... have you tried at all? Cheers for taking the time to read and mark this work.. missed your taste among the strawberries.. hope you are well... take care.. PD


Pearldiver profile image

Pearldiver 3 years ago from Tomorrow - In Words & NZ Time. Author

Hi MarleneB, thanks for reading this piece and for leaving a positive comment here... I hope that you don't tell him that I was the guy who betrayed the secrets! :) These issues are very common with guys from all over the world and generally they are 'fear' based, in that they are afraid of a consequence or loss, but try to mask it in ways that detract from the real problem, as they don't want their partners to think less of them...

Talk it through, because 90% of them just worry themselves out of action and that's where they get lost... Good Luck.. take care... PD


sofs profile image

sofs 3 years ago

Hi PD . I haven't been on this site for a looong time. Today, when I checked my mail your title intrigued me and I am here.

So well written and so well said.

It takes man to say it like a man!

Great write!


cheaptrick profile image

cheaptrick 3 years ago from the bridge of sighs

"The mass of men live lives of quiet desperation" H D Thoreau


Pearldiver profile image

Pearldiver 3 years ago from Tomorrow - In Words & NZ Time. Author

Hi sofs, good to see you here again... I noticed that you have been (like so many) MIA... I had you on my 'to read' list, so cheers for taking the time to check out this work sofs... Glad you liked this sad but true male perspective on why guys are so difficult and insecure :) I'm pretty sure a few will totally disagree with the points raised... but... did I mention anything about denial??? :) Hope all is well my friend... thanks for your positive comments... take care.. PD


Petra Vlah profile image

Petra Vlah 3 years ago from Los Angeles

WOW! "walking away like a man" - how typical is that? If men are so insecure, and I believe they are, why are they so much into hunting and exposing themselves to rejection? Is this a form of masochism?


Pearldiver profile image

Pearldiver 3 years ago from Tomorrow - In Words & NZ Time. Author

Hi cheaptrick, how very appropriate that quote is... I was not aware of it at all.. so thanks and for reading this work... Aren't the small mass of those men lucky that such quiet desperation allows them to turn up the sounds and loudly appreciate good rock! :) Take care.. PD


Pearldiver profile image

Pearldiver 3 years ago from Tomorrow - In Words & NZ Time. Author

Hi Petra, thanks for reading this work and for your excellent comments.. Are all men insecure... No, I don't believe they are, as a whole... I believe many are insecure in specific ways... they are extremely insecure about the possibility of having to let go, or give up, their 'out' options when called upon to make the commitment... and I believe, as a result of that, they prefer to walk away!

As far as hunting is concerned... to lots of guys (hahaha).. being able to bring home a rabbit or fish, or moose... gives them a perfect excuse to be too tired, when asked to make a relationship commitment! Exposing themselves to rejection is I believe, based on their inability: to read body language, to choose to want to understand another person, to be spontaneous, open and committed.. That's not just a guy thing btw...

Cheers for wanting to know... luckily some men in the world, have chosen to care enough to understand women and themselves enough to not be insecure like the model traits I have referred to here.... take care..PD


Dame Scribe profile image

Dame Scribe 3 years ago from Canada

I do my utmost to help my sons when they ask about relationships :) I love that they are learning with discussing it with their parents and observing their own friends and family. Great write!


shiningirisheyes profile image

shiningirisheyes 3 years ago from Upstate, New York

This hub is very insightful and reflective. These sabotog traits can be compared to many others as well as males.

Great flow and statements: "And in my blue, I am alone again

Escapee from every possibility of being loved"

so sad and so true.


always exploring profile image

always exploring 3 years ago from Southern Illinois

This poetry was intriguing..Why are some men so insecure and hide behind the facade of super masculinity when in fact they are afraid. I tend to think It might be the woman's fault, expecting too much too soon. Thought provoking for sure..Thank's..Loved the beautiful blue colors..


Pearldiver profile image

Pearldiver 3 years ago from Tomorrow - In Words & NZ Time. Author

Hi DS, I'm pleased that you have honored me with your reading of this work, thank you for taking the time... You are completely right about your sons and perhaps if more parents allowed and fostered such a level of communication, then more men would have a greater understanding of how to foster good communication techniques in their own relationships... Good on you.

'This true test of self' is of course an illustration of how fear of the 'unknown' can dictate the outcome of what could have been the most beneficial relationship for the subject, even though the guy knew what he really wanted... his inability to deal with his own perceptions, left him without those things and her. Cheers DS... take care and train those guys well :) ... PD


Pearldiver profile image

Pearldiver 3 years ago from Tomorrow - In Words & NZ Time. Author

Hi shiningirisheyes, thank you for reading and commenting so positively on this work... Yes, I'm sure it is not just men who go through this process, this was of course an illustrative situation and one which under the surface, clearly relates to the issue of self worth... in that respect, low self esteem affects more than men, we see the effects of it in children and youth suicide for example...

Glad you liked the language of the poem, for the composition of this poem took only a few minutes to pen... it flowed creatively at great speed and required a very fast net, to catch the spirit of the words as they ran from the subject's commitment to the cause... Cheers for your supportive review... take care.. PD


Pearldiver profile image

Pearldiver 3 years ago from Tomorrow - In Words & NZ Time. Author

Hi Ruby, glad you enjoyed 'this true test of self' as it does relate to an issue existing in a far wider spectrum than I initially thought and I suspect is an issue that doesn't get discussed or resolved openly...

I don't believe it is a 'whose fault' situation, as clearly the whole basis of the 'problem' relates to how one views oneself and perceives what it takes to give and receive... Perhaps for some, it sometimes takes too much effort to turn on the light, when they realize how hard in is to read in the dark? Thanks for your positive review and support... cheers... you take care.. PD


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa

Wow, what an insightful hub and beautiful poem, Pearldiver!

"Many men find it almost impossible to commit to love and completely impossible to commit to love, unconditionally."

Only when women, too, reach this emotional level of maturity, the most enjoyable love seems to develop spontaneous and perfect.... (experienced by myself...)


Pearldiver profile image

Pearldiver 3 years ago from Tomorrow - In Words & NZ Time. Author

Hi Martie, thank you for that... it is deep and has an underlying current... yes, men don't have this exclusively that's for sure... but even so, it is an issue that doesn't seem to be openly discussed and that does surprise me..

Are you justifying your happiness again Martie?? :) You must believe it is not a random event.. it is likely who you are meant to be, when you allow yourself to see yourself from the other side of the mirror! Glad you liked this poem and it's message... cheers... take care... trust the mirror..... true!! PD


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa

I've got some second thoughts, PD. Maybe it is not a level of maturity, but a certain level of immaturity - where one is like a child, accepting everything as it is, trust and not searching or expecting any evil intentions. Maybe a level where the gut feeling is in charge and not the heart or even the mind.

Thank you again for this thought-provoking hub. Take care!


Pearldiver profile image

Pearldiver 3 years ago from Tomorrow - In Words & NZ Time. Author

Well I was raised to understand that it is a woman's prerogative to change her mind Martie... so there's not a lot I can say on that... except.. love is usually an intuitive thing... I wonder how many people change their minds at the expense of what their intuition tells them? Cheers Martie... take care... PD


Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

Gypsy Rose Lee 3 years ago from Riga, Latvia

Voted up and just super. I've never understood the men in my life until I met my soulmate and I'm still trying to figure him out like a puzzle but doing much better than ever before. Don't forget men come to maturity much slower than women.


Pearldiver profile image

Pearldiver 3 years ago from Tomorrow - In Words & NZ Time. Author

Hi Gypsy Rose Lee, glad you liked this poem and subject, I appreciate your positive review and comments. Good luck with the understanding thing, it is a thankless task, often thwarted by the fact that many guys don't actually understand themselves well enough to commit to a real relationship, or to not be negatively influenced by their friends. I'm not so sure it relates so much to the difference in maturity between the sexes; if so, then it would not be an issue that effects older men.

Lot's of older men actually realize that they have always had an issue like this in relationships, simply because they find themselves alone later in life and know that they had chosen to never deal with their 'problem' at a younger age... it's quite a selfish act. Ultimately, practically everything in a relationship is based on personal choice... many forget that, yet when it comes to making a commitment to another, it is the very thing that determines the depth of it and is what makes the commitment sincere... cheers for your support... take care... PD


carolinemd21 profile image

carolinemd21 3 years ago from Close to Heaven

Hi Pearldiver this hub was very insightful and gave me a new understanding into the mind of a man. Great poem as well. Thank you for sharing this. :)


Pearldiver profile image

Pearldiver 3 years ago from Tomorrow - In Words & NZ Time. Author

Hi caroline, thank you for taking the time to read and comment on this piece... glad you liked its message.. of course not all men are wired this way, but generally those with commitment issues act in this and a similar manner. I appreciate your positive review here... cheers.. take care... PD


LaThing profile image

LaThing 3 years ago from From a World Within, USA

YES! This the one that reflects my sentiment...... And you said it from the man's prospective! Of course, your poem is much better than my mere observation! Enjoyed reading it, Bubbles..... Have a great day, night, morning..... What ever it is over there :)


Pearldiver profile image

Pearldiver 3 years ago from Tomorrow - In Words & NZ Time. Author

Yes, but maybe I am being too harsh on the sensitive male ego, by suggesting that most men have concerns about making a total commitment... interestingly, many women don't deal with it well either, yet most men tend to choose not exploring their insecurities and build around them with a facade that is relatively easy to see through, much to their horror and denial. Sometimes, it takes feeding that insecurity, to make them realize that their weakness lies within their inability to face their fear, deal with it and remove their dishonest facade... (In my opinion, of course).

Your poem was cool, nothing mere about it... it fits the whole article, as you intended it to and comes across well... thank you for your kind words on my writing efforts... and remember... let no foot ever step on and get away with it, but choose to allow dumb feet to think as if they have done so, as it is always a great day, night, morning, or whatever, when you know the best time for you and the worst time for them, to feel your sting Scorp! Take care...


LaThing profile image

LaThing 3 years ago from From a World Within, USA

But there are more women that will totally, and eagerly commit in a relationship than any men, wouldn't you say so? Even if they don't believe in this hocus-pocus of True Love! :)

Thanks for the encouraging (??) words! And, did I ever raise my stinger?! *_*


Pearldiver profile image

Pearldiver 3 years ago from Tomorrow - In Words & NZ Time. Author

You're probably right on that one... it would certainly be a sad statistic then... maybe that is another reason why guys can take short cuts and seek out those who have less self respect and who consequently don't demand honesty etc. You've made a good point.

Well hey... at least some guys are emotionally mature enough to actually understand what true love is!! For the rest... well I guess that taking shortcuts might be great for impatient 2 minute terriers, solely out to satisfy their own 2 minute needs... Luckily, true love or something similar are to emotionally secure men, the preferred route!

Btw... I meant to say: "let no foot ever step on (you)" - sorry if it didn't make sense before... take care and enjoy your day... PD


HattieMattieMae profile image

HattieMattieMae 3 years ago from Limburg, Netherlands

Oh how very sad...tragic...does this mean I'll be single for the rest of my life. lol


Pearldiver profile image

Pearldiver 3 years ago from Tomorrow - In Words & NZ Time. Author

Hi HattieMattieMae, thanks for that... I'm sure this was not intended for or does apply to all the guys in the world.. so perhaps you will have a good chance of catching the right fish, if you use the right bait.. :) I'm sure you will be just fine... go hard... take no prisoners... and good luck.. :)


Vincent Moore 3 years ago

What an interesting insight you have to a man's thinking. Yet although I had two failed marriages, it was not due to my insecurity at all. I loved them both deeply and never married to divorce either one. The first marriage ended due to her changing her mind after she had expressed before the ring was placed on her finger that we would have a family together. Two years into the marriage she changed her thinking about a child as she felt it would be to painful and she had somehow developed a bad back. That upset me, as I wanted a family and I felt betrayed. Subsequently we divorced.

My next marriage I lustfully fell for her without using my proper head and found out that she was seeing a doctor for an insecurity problems as a result of a former boyfriend who dumped her for her best girlfriend whilst at college. I still went ahead with the marriage thinking all would heal and be fine. 19 years into the marriage and 4 children through it I lived with a manic jealous insecure woman.

It drove me around the bend, yet I loved her so much and she knew it but would not change her ways. She couldn't without serious help and she refused to seek further help, she thought she had it licked.

So to say I've been unlucky in marriage is an understatement. It left me with a huge void in my life. I always wanted to stay in love and married and raise a happy family, instead it exploded for the both of us and it left us both destroyed in many ways.

My communication with woman since my divorce 14 years ago has not been great, I can't seem to fall in love again. I just don't feel it in my heart or soul any longer. Would I like to be in love, of course I would. But I'm really at this stage of my life afraid to even venture out and give it a go again. I would sooner live alone as I do and have a lady friend from a distance. I can't nor do I want to afford to go through heartbreak again. I lost a woman I truly loved, along with my children. I have never really recovered from it and don't think I ever will my friend.

Thank you for penning this stirring poem, it certainly will make many men aware of our deficiencies when it comes to communication with the opposite sex. Peace and blessings I send to you this night. Voted up and shared.


Pearldiver profile image

Pearldiver 3 years ago from Tomorrow - In Words & NZ Time. Author

Hi Ken, sorry for the lateness of my reply... I had actually replied some days ago, but for some reason I note that it has not appeared??? I didn't mean for you to feel as if I was making any specific statement as to your particular circumstances... I am, with this piece emphasizing that a very high percentage of men do have an inability to achieve the heights as a result of how secure they feel about commitment

That comes through both directly and indirectly, but ultimately, even though often unseen, it removes their ability to embrace the exact thing that they know they need in their life to be whole. If you consider this from that perspective then you will also notice that what you have said here endorses what I mean... ie:

"Would I like to be in love, of course I would. But I'm really at this stage of my life afraid to even venture out and give it a go again. I would sooner live alone as I do and have a lady friend from a distance. I can't nor do I want to afford to go through heartbreak again. I lost a woman I truly loved, along with my children. I have never really recovered from it..."

This is exactly what I meant by indirect inability Ken... it is a form of denial of happiness, a self sabotage if you will... of allowing reasons why not, rule over reasons why! We have all done this.. I have also done this.. and with more diversity in my reasons why not mate! Think about what I'm saying and you will know exactly what I mean in the words of the poem... See... Factually - there is No Reason Why we should not pursue happiness... even if we fool ourselves into believing that we don't deserve it! Look at what a Scorpio can do when he uses the right head huh? Hahaha... Glad you enjoyed this work mate... you take care... and ride the words that flow from the heart.. you may then appreciate the heart and its true needs... PD


Tara McNair profile image

Tara McNair 3 years ago from All around the world!

Absolutely a must read for ALL!! makes absolute sense.... love the poem!


Pearldiver profile image

Pearldiver 3 years ago from Tomorrow - In Words & NZ Time. Author

Hi Tara, thank you so much for your positive review of this piece... I'm glad that you enjoyed this... I know many guys probably deny the facts on show with this article, but the majority are really that insecure and chose to live by attempting to be more 'together' than they really are... when the facade is torn down... there are many who aren't as hard nosed as they wish their peers to see them... but then, usually smart women already suspect that... :) Once again.. cheers and I hope you have a great festive season... take care.. PD


Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 3 years ago from Central Florida

To use diver in your name suits you well as it eludes to the depths that I read in your words. Beautiful and voted as such.


Pearldiver profile image

Pearldiver 3 years ago from Tomorrow - In Words & NZ Time. Author

Moms-Secret Hi... thank you for finding these words among the great piles of words, scattered throughout cyber space and the grey fog of sites like HP and alike. I'm glad you liked this piece, I appreciate your own fine words, compliment and support... all the best.. take care.. PD


LongTimeMother profile image

LongTimeMother 3 years ago from Australia

My lovely devoted, committed, magnificent husband was afraid of commitment in the years before we met and walked away from relationships that held promise. When we met we didn't mean to fall in love. Neither of us were interested in giving up our independence. Yet we are still together and madly in love decades later and neither of us can imagine life without the other. I guess I just got lucky. :)


Pearldiver profile image

Pearldiver 3 years ago from Tomorrow - In Words & NZ Time. Author

Hi LongTimeMother, thank you for reviewing this piece and your comment... Oh I don't believe 'luck' has anything to do with your choice of life partner... I'm sure intuition, great taste and a sense of warm fuzzy security played a helping hand for both of you! We do often unwittingly run towards those things that we hope to avoid don't we? What you have described is great and it means that you established a solid foundation of mutual respect and friendship... good for you, as it provides the best building blocks! Glad you liked this piece... here's to many more decades... take care.. PD


Prisana profile image

Prisana 6 months ago from Thailand and Colorado

I never wanted anyone forever...except my husband.

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