"This is not a Poem"

Warning! This is not a Poem!

Who said life had to be harder the older you get? Why can't we keep the heart of a child, keep our imaginations, our minds, open? Who said we had to take on all this responsibility without having any fun?? I remember when I used to have fun...But now the world is so hungry for money, and too greedy to dish any of it out. We have to work for our share, which never seems to be enough. Unless you were just born lucky, born rich, or win the lottery or something. But even then you're not satisfied. There's always this feeling of missing something. Its too easy to wonder, What if? and What could have been? We hope and dream and fantasize, of another place, another time, another life. Even if the one we have is superb. I may not be the richest person, but I'm also not the poorest. I have a good life, and I know it. Things were never too hard for me, I only had really bad luck in relationships. I have a good guy now, great family, and friends, a place to live, my own car, food and water in abundance, and I have a good job. But in the midst of all this, I'm tired all the time. I am only 23 years old, I should not be this tired all the time. I'm tired of routine. I get aggravated with people too easily, and theres so much more I want to do with my life, than this dead end office job. I want to get out, and travel. I want to see the world. I want a house by the beach. I want to live my dream(s). But you dont always get what you want... Success is not a given, and therein lies the risk... To do any of these things, you need money...and lots of it.

Sometimes, I just wish I was a kid again...before I knew anything about money, before I had to earn it, and things were just given to me (God, how I miss my grandparents lol), before I had bills to pay, before I had a monthly period, lol, before I liked boys, before they only wanted one thing, before we even knew what sex was. I wish I could go back in time, and relive my life, do things differently this time around, be more sociable, more confident, more talkative. Here's where the what ifs come in...and the whys...and the what could have beens...

There was several different guys I liked, had crushes on back in my school days. I can remember the very first ones. I never really got the guy in school. And there was several that I let fall through the cracks. I should have gave them more of a chance, and some I should have stayed away from completely. But isnt that the way it always seems to go, the one you want doesnt want you, and the ones that do want you, well, you dont want them. Every now and then, you think you got it right, only to have it end horribly wrong. Which begs the question...do I really know what love is? I let so many pass me by because I wasnt attracted to them, I didnt have feelings for them like that, but what if I actually gave them a chance, and wasnt so scared to let someone in? I chose all the wrong guys, or maybe all the wrong guys chose me and I just went with it because I was attracted to them... Or I would like someone at first and give it about a week and realize I really didnt, after already giving myself to him. I wish I had waited, a little bit longer, on both. My only long and actual relationships, not counting my current one, ended in heartbreak. The first two, I broke up with them, we fought all the time, I was unhappy, and I just didnt want to do it anymore. I guess I hurt them in the end...but no hurt I did them compares to the hurt I went through with my next 2 long, actual relationships. I dont know how one person (2 people) can lie so much. But thats all water under the bridge, or whatever that saying is. The past is done, and there is no going back. What ifs and whys and the what could have beens..dont matter now, though I think of them everyday.

What if I'm not meant to be with Jason(my current boyfriend) the rest of my life? What if somewhere down the line, it goes wrong? Because to be honest I'm not sure If I feel as strongly for him as I should...We have our differences, lots of them, but I know I love him, but am I IN love with him? Is he IN love with me? Is there really a difference? There's always doubts and insecurities running through my head, but I have been hurt so much and cheated on in the past that I dont know how to feel correctly anymore. I get upset at stupid things, I over analyze, I cry easily, I'm very controlling, and untrusting, I question everything, and start arguments. I am just emotionally unstable all around. I say I am stronger now because of everything, at least now, I recognize my flaws, but would they even be there had that stuff not happened? Perhaps, I am weaker because of it, settling because of it. I dont want to think this way because despite our disagreements, he makes me happy, happier than I've ever been with any guy, and completely comfortable. But no one knows the future, and my relationships arent known to last. Its only been 10 months but it feels like a year. What if I was meant to be with someone else? What if I never meet my "soulmate"? Do we even really have one, and if we were "meant" to be with someone then wouldnt we be with them, eventually, so how can you never meet him anyway? What if its someone of my past, someone I let fall through the cracks, someone who let me fall through the cracks? I keep having dreams of someone just like that in them. Why if it doesnt mean anything? someone I've never been with, someone I had a crush on in grade school. Someone who is very taken now, like me. But then again my dreams never make sense, and they are random and sometimes have people I've never even met in them. or people (guys and girls) that I used to go to school with. so its not just him, but he does re-occur in more of them. Perhaps, its just another way of exploring the what ifs and what could have beens...but wouldnt it be nice to actually get to go back and see how things would be different? Like through a crystal ball or a virtualization. Life sometimes seems all too surreal, what if this was the dream, and our dreams, the reality? What if there's a very thin line between them?

© Copyright NMJ 2011

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Comments 21 comments

Astra Nomik profile image

Astra Nomik 5 years ago from Edge of Reality and Known Space

Nicole, I believe it is right to have dreams and to never give up on them. Don't throw in your cards before the game and the hands have been played. I almost came close to that and I held on and I am glad I did.

I think things are frustrating you because you have dreams and you are like ma and other people who want to have their dreams happen for them. I had to wait till I was 25 before my dream happened for me.

You are a terrific writer, and look at how popular you are in Hub Pages. Look how great your writing is. Look how amazing your photography is and your new website.

Please don't talk yourself down now ... just when things are coming good.

I understand what you mean about Jason, but 10 months is a small amount of time. Give it a chance.

I do believe there is a thin line between events that can happen in our lives. But there is a thin line between hope and despair. You are one of the most talented people I ever met on Hub Pages. When I vote up your hub pages, it's really me voting up Nicole Jordan, because she wrote every word...and probably took the great photos too.

I have learned that if life doesn't give you what opportunities you want in life...then simply change tack....and take them anyway. The more daring you are, the more successful you are. When you embrace your creativity...amazing things happen...

(Hugs always...) Cathy.


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 5 years ago from Louisiana Author

Thanks so much for that comment Cathy. Always encouraging. Yes I love Jason very much, and I would like to be with him for the rest of my life, but nothing in life is guaranteed, and sometimes I just wonder what else (who else) is out there ya know, which probably wouldnt be half as great as he is. When he wants to be lol. Just thinking of the unknown, you know that vast thing that scares the heck out of us. But I wont give up, I dont give up til the death of hope, and I will always have hope, if its not in the thing I am hoping for, then its hope that theres something better, so I may give up on one thing, if there is no way of it happening, and focus on something better. I know it will take awhile for my dreams to come true, and a lot of money, and effort on my part, I just have to keep trying and hoping, and persevering, and getting my stuff out there. Life throws obstacles and challenges and tests at you everyday its just a matter of making it through and doing your best. No one is perfect. I have never really been a daring person so Idk how successful i will be but I sure will give it a try and give it my best. Thanks so much Cathy. You are amazing!


A.A. Zavala profile image

A.A. Zavala 5 years ago from Texas

You are young, but not too young to know what emotional pain feels like. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but more of these times will be forthcoming. Your young, and life is like the cycle of the oceans. You will experience high tides where you think everything is perfect. And then the low tides come, and you wonder where everyone went. You have to go through these cycles to grow as a person.

I had some memories that I cherished when I was younger, but not many. When I think of a time I wish I could relive, it's normally an intimate moment when I'm with somebody I once loved. These times sometimes don't last, so I catalog them in my mind so that I can remember what it felt like to be in love.

Your very talented, and your poetry reflects the good and bad times in your life. I have to believe that things will happen as they should, and when you find the person your supposed to be with, you'll know. Hopefully it will happen sooner than later.


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 5 years ago from Louisiana Author

Thanks Augustine, You are very wise. Yes I know more bad things will happen eventually, but so will good things. Its all a part of life, and the learning process. Thanks so much for reading this and commenting. means a lot.


A.A. Zavala profile image

A.A. Zavala 5 years ago from Texas

Your too kind Nikki. I may be a wise ass, but I'm not all that bright. Fact is you'll figure it out. Sounds like you already have. If you need a piece of advise, it could be this. If someone wants to take your picture for money, make sure you get paid first. I didn't.


bbnix profile image

bbnix 5 years ago from Southern California

My wonderful friend Nikki, I have to smile, we have much in common, my dear, dear copatriot...

Even now, at 54, no less, I still struggle with the same notions...

One thing I've learned, if you follow your heart,all else fades in comparison. Now that's not to say we won't have our struggles, but if we're happy, fulfilled, and at the very least exploring our options through school, workplaces or whatever, new, unimagionable opportunities will invariably present themselves, and new incredible doors will open. So don't so much worry about the present, but focus on recognizing and grabbing new opportunities as they present themselves..

I agree with Cathy..you are an incredible writer...and photographer expand your craft..perfect it...compliment it..and show us what you really can do...hmmm...

much love, my dear friend...I'm behind you ten thousand percent...


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 5 years ago from Louisiana Author

Thanx A. Oh yes definitely get paid first before doing anythng unless youre doing it for free. or ill take the photos but they dont get prints till i get money. I want to start my own home studio. do sum free shoots first and tell them next time...half off get my business started ya know. get my foot in the door, but i dont have the equipment and that costs money.

BB you are an inspiration to us all. Wow 54? i didnt know you were that old. well 54 isnt THAT old, but i thought you were maybe in your 30s or 40s. Thanks so much for all your help and support and following me throughout my hubpages life. You've got my back! lol


Mentalist acer profile image

Mentalist acer 5 years ago from A Voice in your Mind!

I have no choice but to remain naive,it's a part of knowing enough to see there's no such thing as maturity,except that there's more to life than survival and comfort.;)


tom hellert profile image

tom hellert 5 years ago from home

Nikki,

hey great poem here....a little different style but you poets are always changing your style-and delivery-

I guess your youth is what it is... but tht does not mean you have no idea what you want or what you need to do... listen deep into your self and realize what it is YOU really want-No one can tell YOU what you want- I dont know how much or little you are in Love with MIKE phill JASON JAY OR WHATEVER HIS NAME IS- I LOOKED COULDNT FIND HIS NAME.ok i didnt look hard....

but still- sometimes you have to take an inventory and decide if your buying what your being sold....the question is where do you see yourself in 6 mos 1 yr 5 yrs

only you can answer it

TH


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 5 years ago from Louisiana Author

thanks tom...well this wasnt a poem, as you can tell by the title, haha. Anyways thanks for reading and commenting. His name is Jason, you got one right lol. I see myself still with him, and I see myself getting closer to publishing and hopefully in a different job, and out of my parents house. those are the goals for the next 6 months to a year. in 5 years well I should be rich and famous and sold thousands of books and living in my house by the beach, and I see me with jason still so thats a good thing. Thanks again!


bbnix profile image

bbnix 5 years ago from Southern California

Hmmm...not old...still 30, mostly.....kinda...don't you know...ummm..ok ok 9 then, but the strongest I've ever been.....


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 5 years ago from Louisiana Author

bb your silly


tom hellert profile image

tom hellert 5 years ago from home

nikki-

remember desires and dreams are sometimes one in the same but becareful what you desire life may just give you it....

TH


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 5 years ago from Louisiana Author

oh yes I know the saying well, be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. Hell I know a song about it by the pussy cat dolls or is it just Nicole from the pussy cat dolls? anyway, I only wish for happiness and love and to be a succesful writer/photographer one day.


tom hellert profile image

tom hellert 5 years ago from home

nik,

you say that now but once you get there you will want more and more- its only human nature and human behavior....like the old song "when you have everything your heart desires but still you want more"...

TH


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 5 years ago from Louisiana Author

yea i know that too. I feel that now. I have a good bf and life is good, and I am happy for the most part, but like in my non poem here theres always that thinking of what if and what could have beens and so on. i definitely want more, but I know like that other song, "You cant always get what you want, but if try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need."


dmurrayf 5 years ago

Read your poem "The Light In the Dark" it brought me to a place I was in several years ago. We all have to fight the darkness that tries to take hold when things go bad and always remember that "Love" cures all! Loved the piece.


blaise25 profile image

blaise25 5 years ago from close to you...

I can so relate in this. The what ifs, what could have been and life ahead..I think it’s normal. It’s just a phase. Just like you, I hate routines, too. I always crave for something new. And I have this insane habit of thinking two things ahead..

Sometimes I wonder about the past, too. Not that I wanna go back and change it, I just wonder if it’s wasted. But there’s always someone who reminds me ‘don’t regret’ And damn it’s right, it’s pointless.

Love comes and go. One day you’ll wake up you’re not in love anymore. I guess you just know it. With your bf right now, who’s to say if it’s real love or where it’s goin. You have all the time to enjoy the sparks..

I think life is about that – enjoying the sparks…and living the moment..let the wonders wander you..

Who’s to say what could have been..what if..what’s ahead..All I know is that the butterflies in your avatar are calling you to write more and photograph more :)

Cheers! Life is interesting and beautiful coz we are doomed.. lol

XX


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 5 years ago from Louisiana Author

thanks for reading and commenting. this and the other poem dmurrayf. :)

Blaise, thanks for that comment. I think thats more how I feel about the past, that it was wasted. That I wasted it. by doing so many things wrong. and now I am getting older and I am with the one guy it just makes me think of all the things I missed, am missing. Thanks blaise, you are a special lady and friend!


Binaya.Ghimire 5 years ago

I just wish I was a kid again...I too think this way. When we are children people stop us to act our mind and when we are adult, our rationality stops us. All our life we live in this duality. Very poetic reflection.


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 5 years ago from Louisiana Author

thanks binaya! also as an adult we are bombarded with all this responsibility and worries. when youre a kid usually u have not a care in the world and not a responsibility but to be a kid and then to go to school and even that isnt as bad as we always made it out to be. work is so much worse. blah. thanks for reading.

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