My 50th Hub
I wanted to celebrate the occasion by writing something simple yet elegant and profound.
Wednesday night I really tried to decide between topics…then came the storm. It had been predicted on the news; Thunder Snow, they called it. For five hours, it would snow from 2 to 3 inches an hour accompanied by thunder and lightning. I had never heard of anything like it, but soon after five o’clock, it started. It was beautiful when I went outside around six. Already dark because it was only January, and the rain, snow, ice mixture was pouring from the sky. By seven, my skylights were covered with snow and the lights were dim; I could see the flashes of lightning and hear the thunder rolling across the sky. It was magnificent. For a while…
Then there was a loud crack, a bright flash, and everything went dark and silent. It was only seven thirty. I would find out the next morning that a tall tree had fallen across the road on our little street and took down the power line to our whole little group of houses. We all relied on electric everything so there was of course no heat (even with oil burning furnaces), no water (all the pumps for the wells are electric), and of course no appliances. The storm had just started and already the Governor had declared a statewide emergency so we weren’t going anywhere tonight. We just settled in for a long night.
I vacated my house the next afternoon when my cousin rescued me; he was digging out relatives one by one that morning from the snow and ice mess. I spent the next two days with my aunt, relaxing, watching TV, and relaxing some more. Power to my house wasn’t restored until late last night. I think the temperature in here reached forty degrees, and the heat ran almost constantly trying to warm everything up again.
I had a lot of time to think while I was away. My aunt doesn’t have wireless internet, since she only has her one computer at home…and honestly, I didn’t use hers because I felt like I needed the break to do that work on my “patterns” that I keep trying to do but life happens.
The Root of it All
Between what I want to have
And what I believe my responsibility is
For every wounded soul
Believing I can heal
With the wave of a wand
Or make up for
Whatever was taken away
I do not have that kind of power
I cannot change night into day
I cannot stop addiction
I wasn’t around for the abuse
I don’t have to pay for it
Something inside me
Left unresolved from long ago
Feels I need to be there
To rescue and save the others
Protect and serve
Look out for the innocent ones
Make things easier
And give my life if I have to
But it’s not necessary anymore.
That program just didn’t shut down.
I am not a savior
I can’t take you to a magic isle
Where the darkness doesn’t exist
I can’t show you how to pray or where God is
I can’t perform miracles
Or even show you what faith looks like
And you don’t expect me to, do you?
But I try.
I am not a goddess
To turn the scales of justice in your favor
Make you strong and powerful
By being at your side
I can’t turn the tides, make it snow, or coax the sun
Nor promise you riches from your dreams
And I have no fountain of youth or passion
Though you might want that beauty from me
But I try.
I am not a doctor
Who can heal your wounds
In your head or in your heart
I have no magic potion
To cure you of your ills
Nor silence those voices
In your head
I can’t heal the past or present
Or take away all the pain you feel
But I try.
I am not a mother
Who can hold you in my arms
And say everything will be alright
And everyone plays fair
Or the dishonest pay their dues
I can’t enforce fair rules
On life’s playground everyday
Or think all can be solved
With saying “I love you”
But I try.
And therein lies the problem
Not in you, but in me.
Before you ask, I’m there.
Before you cry, I’m there.
Before you are deflated, I’m there.
I can sense it because I remember how it was for me,
And I know what the energy feels like.
What I wished someone would do or say for me,
I am trying to do for you
And then I am disappointed because I’m still empty
Still feeling like no one is there for me
Because I don’t know how to ask
I don’t reach out
Still afraid after all these years to let someone be there for me.
It’s my own fault.
I need to break the pattern, after recognizing the truth.
I’ll never be happy
As long as I’m focusing on outward,
Projecting my needs onto others
This time when I’m stepping out on my own
I will be free to be me
Making my own choices and living with that
Purposely not in any relationship
For my own good, because I can’t see me when I am.
I want to say a big thank you to all my family and friends here on hubpages for your continued support and encouragement these past 14 months. Writing has been my therapy, and you all have been my best friends - I look forward to interacting with you through our comments and our writing everyday. I love the way we share and have made our own little (or rather large!) family on here, no matter how far apart we are! I wish you all love, light and many many blessings on your individual journeys through life. Namaste, Erin
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