To Be Seen

The beauty of balancing light and dark
The beauty of balancing light and dark | Source
Belief in magic
Belief in magic | Source

4/1/2013

I have been here for so many years unable to be seen. Unable to be fully understood. Hidden in plain sight. Eager and willing to learn but not needing to be learned. Those around me merely scratch the surface and are content. I realized it as a child. I used it as a tool to conceal my dark. It didn't take me long to learn not to need to be seen clearly. It didn't take long for me to learn that I could easily carry the burden of another's true self. The suns would turn to moons and I would age having been content in the life I led. A life spent pouring out into others who would only know parts of me. I would meet people who would swear loyalty to me and chose to love me even if they could not explain me or understand me. Perhaps that is the real reason that I fade but never leave. Humanity is limited after all. How long can someone hold onto what they do not understand? Fading is not a task for the meek. I may not fear hurt or feel hurt for long or in the same way that others do but I am not immune. It is hard to be the constant. It isn't easy to know people would allow you to fade. It is hard to always be the hindsight. Living to uplift those around you knowing that you will fall to weakness when you are alone is not easy. It is not easy to stay untainted and neutral when these same people return to me ages later or keep me in the banks of their memory. There is the choice to find honor and satisfaction or feel like the time was waisted when the time comes for the price to be paid. Calypso's cross is a heavy load to carry. I never leave. I embrace with an open grip. I am unconditional. You are allowed to dissipate and reform. I will be here until life leaves and for a chosen few, for eternity. There is nothing to forgive. I know my purpose. Charges come and go. It is the way that it is supposed to be with me. I have seen the reasons clearly. There is nothing to regret. Many times it is so much less about me and only about others. My only gift to give is acceptance both to myself and others. It is the gift of love on so many levels. You can allow yourself to be seen and not judged. You can be as strong or as weak as you want to be before my eyes and the view and story stays with me as I offer a break from reality and some restoration. It comes with no obligation or expectation. It comes in different levels and different forms to man, woman, or child. This purpose does not require the knowledge of who I am or anything other than my current or my present. The connection I provide doesn't seem to feed on my story but yours. So, I exist in my truest form only fully seen by me. I draw strength from seeing the core of others. My inspiration and zest comes from learning and accepting you. Connection is life. This is the life I have known.




They say the eyes are windows
They say the eyes are windows | Source
The light that calls
The light that calls | Source

Staind - Outside

The thought that someone could see me clearly stopped crossing my mind many years ago. It is something that, as a child I was afraid of, later wanted, then finally learned to do without. It became an impossibility. The thought that someone could even make the claim seems unreal. Although I do not expect it to be possible, the claim has thrown me off balance. It brings me thoughts that took days to sift through. It is new and difficult to explain. Thoughts swarm in and out of my mind creating a funnel and I wonder if this could be my Achilles' heel? Could this be what tips my balance? To develop a want that goes unprovided has rocked me in the past but to risk awakening a need is a risk? Risk is not usually a big deal to me since I don't fear most prices to be paid but this one seems different. I am drawn to it. I am compelled to see the core of the person who claims to be able to see me. The claim pulls gratitude and connection from me without rhyme or reason. The possibility of being known, how ever unlikely, sparks loyalty in me. I want to be a constant in gratitude. I have given the only gift that I have had to give to people without any expectation. The only thing that they had done to merit it was to have a light that called to me. They were good people with potential who were maybe a little tired, a little lost, or a little disappointed. I didn't want anything in return. I was getting what I needed just from offering the connection. The intent to want to know me or see me through to my core, even if it did end up being impossible, speaks worlds to me. It is a gift that is beyond value. It speaks so highly to me that loyalty seems like a small token in comparison. A part of me wants it to be possible and this is where the battle begins.

I am wrestling with things that I am not used to dealing with. I have always been an open, truthful person because I didn't care about the judgement of others. There was a lot I don't talk about for the same reason. My stories have always belonged to me. Not many people would take their blinders off long enough to ask for information past the surface level unless they wanted something. The genuine are few and have been kept in my life for that reason. They know more about me and how I am but I never wanted to be known completely. I chose this path. I created my ways. I can dive into people as deeply as I would like and come up for air when I am ready. The traces I leave behind of myself are what I chose. I put in enough to connect as much as I want but not enough to make me vulnerable. Everything that begins must end. Friendships like all other relationships evolve thru time. To be balanced enough to remain constant I need not fear hurt or loss. I must avoid extremes and so, in most cases, I have. Now a part of me wants this claim to be true. It introduces me to vulnerabilities and I see the risks clearly. I resist the flow. I question. Still, I am pulled. I seek. I connect, daily. I notice and am aware. I anticipate. The thought that this person could give me the gift that I have tried to give the friends that have crossed my path, a constant, is exciting and accompanied by the thought of losing such a gift.

Why? Why does it mean anything to me? In reality to me and in my life, you are just a neutral observer. Why does it matter? ... You claim to see me. I have done nothing for you. You owe me nothing. I have offered you nothing. There is no reason for you to want to see me clearly. I am the person who has always had to prove herself against the odds. I am the doubt. I am the long shot, the risk. I am the one that earns not the one that is given. I am not the one easily understood. Yet you would give the gift of attempting to understand me at all... it matters. All these words later and its still difficult to explain.

How can you see what I can't explain?

It took all of this writing and thought to get to the root. Just the idea of acceptance for all of who I am is priceless. I have acceptance. I have had great loving friendships and relationships. I have had people accept me, keep my friendship, or love me despite what they did not understand. I have had people fade because of what they did not understand.

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Comments 34 comments

JThomp42 3 years ago

Very interesting!


Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 3 years ago from Central Florida Author

James, so nice to see you! Hahaha, how refreshing that you would think of my jumbled thoughts as refreshing. Writing often helps me work the kinks out. :)


Frank Atanacio profile image

Frank Atanacio 3 years ago from Shelton

What a window into your soul... dark, yet I can sense light, passion, yet it's covered in sorrow.. escape, perhaps, trapped, that too perhaps.. This was amazing Moms.. Had to read it twice just to shake the feeling it gave me :)


newenglandsun 3 years ago

I couldn't see through the window to your soul. Your eyes are intimidating.


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Moms-Secret 3 years ago from Central Florida Author

Always great to see you Frank! I guess you must see me as complicated by now. You have been reading me for a while now and I am really grateful for it. I am clearer in word than in person. What feeling did it give you?


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Moms-Secret 3 years ago from Central Florida Author

Hello Daniel. Intimidating, how so? I guess I am biased. They are mine. I don't see me as intimidating so I don't see them that way either.


newenglandsun 3 years ago

When I look at them, it feels like you are gazing into the dark void that is my soul rather than me looking at you.


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Moms-Secret 3 years ago from Central Florida Author

If that is the truth Daniel than you give me that power. The power to pierce and I would thank you for it. Rest easy, I do not judge nor am I afraid of the dark.


newenglandsun 3 years ago

Perhaps you have a piercing darkness about you and it was in fact you I was seeing but had trouble because it looked like myself...


Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 3 years ago from Central Florida Author

Hahaha, it could be! I have always said that I am balanced which means I have both light and dark, good and bad. If you can see something familiar in me than you can have what I have had. People say they are looking for happiness, they want to be happy. I think what they should look for is peace.


newenglandsun 3 years ago

I have always been told that peace and despair don't mix. That if I seek peace, than I should be an optimist as opposed to a pessimist. It never made any sense to me. How do these people who think that peace and despair don't mix explain Martin Luther King Jr.? Or Abraham Lincoln?


ALUR profile image

ALUR 3 years ago from USA

Stunning. It's almost as though you are my soul twin in the writing world. Every word came to life and was beautifully expressed: self-reflection if honest, is haunting but beautiful. And there are only a few that can "see" you but most will not meet your eyes esp as truth frightens them.

You are welcome to read some of my hubs and rate them as well, you may find "Confessions of a Soul" and many others in line with your magical writing.


lovedoctor926 3 years ago

Simple and meaningful, yet deep words. For some reason, I can feel pain while reading this so you stirred strong emotions in me. I can relate to this line. I would meet people who would swear loyalty to me and chose to love me even if they could not explain me or understand me. It's good to meet you. I've seen you around. Thanks Frank for sharing this hub. voting up!


lovedoctor926 3 years ago

I can relate to this line.. "I would meet people who would swear loyalty to me and chose to love me even if they could not explain me or understand me. "


Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 3 years ago from Central Florida Author

NewEnglandSun- Like so many things that are always told to others, that is not entirely true. The flaw lies in the fact that these people really think things have to mix. Balance requires the existence of opposites. Love/hate, good/bad, light/dark, peace/despair, etc. It is not a mix it is a dance. They exist side by side in equal amounts.

For many of us including the great names you listed, peace came from the understanding and acceptance of despair. Thankfully, we are allowed to take in all opinions and view and form our own truths. Some of us will find our own definition of peace and others will chase what they have been told peace should be for the rest of their lives.


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Moms-Secret 3 years ago from Central Florida Author

Nice to meet you ALUR! I love to meet new people and enjoy the personal invite to a specific work. It is very VIP, I have to say :) The idea that there can be a similarity between us is very interesting indeed. Kindred spirits are a gift after all.

I am so grateful for your compliments and the truth in your words. I have been told I frightened some before.


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Moms-Secret 3 years ago from Central Florida Author

Wonderful to see you Lovedoctor! You are very perceptive. The pain comes from struggle. I don't think anyone has a true idea of the satisfaction I feel to know that I caused a stir. I write with no intended agenda, seeking no reward and receive the biggest reward I could have imagined in having stirred in others. I am grateful to you for your visit and to Frank for bringing me a local love dr.


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Moms-Secret 3 years ago from Central Florida Author

Oh, yes, LoveDr. That line... I often wondered if perhaps we kept them from understanding some how. Perhaps as a protection?


newenglandsun 3 years ago

I'm looking into anarchy right now. I had no idea how corrupt democracy and republican forms of government could be. The majority in each of these societies is enabled free swipes at the minority meaning that neither is for the people.

Thank you for some of the peaceful words you have given. It makes so much more sense that people try to hide truth from people so as to create a stronger case for themselves.


Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 3 years ago from Central Florida Author

I make it a habit not to limit myself by any labels. I don't pick a political party or a religion. I guess I am just not into affiliations. My loyalties should be earned and can be lost. I know that tyranny and thirst for power are part of human nature so I understand the need to be governed. Since humans are the ones to do the governing it becomes an oxymoron because power is hard to resist.


newenglandsun 3 years ago

Anarchists seek the liberation and equality of all people...at the expense of the corrupt elite.


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Moms-Secret 3 years ago from Central Florida Author

I can have that view without the title and I wont have to be questioned when I decide not to do what an extreme anarchist would do.


newenglandsun 3 years ago

There are pacifist anarchists. Leo Tolstoy for one.


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Moms-Secret 3 years ago from Central Florida Author

I couldn't wear the title anyway. I see the need to be governed which is a big no-no. lol


newenglandsun 3 years ago

We do not need hierarchy. The theory of anrachists is the basic idea that humans can cooperate within the absence of hierarchy. I am an anarcho-communist which means I believe that doing away with money and capitalism is the first thing necessary to establishing a perfect order of peace without hierarchy.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anarcho-communism


Frank Atanacio profile image

Frank Atanacio 3 years ago from Shelton

Moms you said there were two new pieces you wanted me to see.. I just saw that one which I commented earlier on.. am I missing something?


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Moms-Secret 3 years ago from Central Florida Author

One was new one was not so new. Evasion and Truest Form are a couple of less new ones.


Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 3 years ago from Central Florida Author

Daniel, interesting read.


lovedoctor926 3 years ago

Thank you for your compliment. It's good to meet you. Looking forward to reading more of your work. Doc.


Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 3 years ago from Central Florida Author

So happy to see you LoveDr. I have to say, I love the handle! I look forward to getting to know you are your work as well. It is truly my favorite part of hubs.


newenglandsun 3 years ago

Sorry, haven't been here in a while.

This is such a beautiful song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=waGDKnFv_Vg


Moms-Secret profile image

Moms-Secret 3 years ago from Central Florida Author

Hi Daniel. I noticed. You were missed. The song is absolutely gorgeous! Thank you for the gift. :) I decided to use it on one of my works that didn't have a musical accompaniment about my nature.

I wonder what made you decide to give it. I would also be interested in its translation. I didn't need it to feel the song but would love to know what its saying.

It was perfect for lulling me back to sleep. :) Thank you.


newenglandsun 3 years ago

Song is in French. The band is French.

http://lyricstranslate.com/en/sur-loc%C3%A9an-coul...


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Moms-Secret 3 years ago from Central Florida Author

Awesome, Thank You!

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