To Know Me

To understand who I am

You would have to know

My parents were upper class headshop owners

Ever heard of Strawberry Fields in Dallas, TX

They owned it

And blew it way on blow

They partied with Hugh and Hunter S. Thompson

They drove fancy cars

Wore ostrich skin boots and ruby necklaces

They snorted on the cleanest mirrors

And shot with the sharpest needles

They divorced when my sister was three

I was eight and angry

Dad moved out and junkies moved in

And my mom moved on

On into a self destructive cycle

And I watched and repressed the transition

And to my daddy's

To watch daddy drink

Daddy's drunk

My father drinks to the struggles of single parenthood and food stamps

Struggles with his own disappointments

Constantly trying to tame the snakes in his head

Mom has a boyfriend now

He is the Antichrist

He swallows her and spits her out with HIV and Hepatitis C

I sit by the phone and wait for her to to call for my 13th birthday

Today is tomorrow and I wait and I wait

Eventually I no longer wait

The day is no longer special anymore

And then she call months later to tell me she's pregnant

To selfishly satisfy her loneliness

To abandon another life

I say goodbye once again

And head to a small Southern Baptist East Texas town with my father and sister

To visit grandma for 7 years

I waited for my mother to want to know who I was becoming

But she was to busy ruining herself

While daddy was busy growing up himself

And grandmother was busy being a mother all over again

And over again... and again

I spent the next few years searching for an identity

Never satisfied with who I was

Could always be better

Struggled to care

To smile

Misery comforted me

No emotion or tears

Obsessed with insanity

With rebelling

With knowing

Disrespectful and ungrateful

Unpredictable and impulsive

One nights stands and keg parties

Acute care and I don't care

About school

About myself

My mental portrait is tainted

My first hit of acid

One hit of acid and it was time to know

Who I was

It was time to go

Go to to Dallas to know my mom

To live in a happy family

Just a fantasy

Popped her pills and prostitution

And never woke to realize she was raising a family

She was lost in a smoke filled imaginary office in Strawberry Fields

She never left the office

She never left her head

In her head shop she slept

And I left

To Mississippi

Where I started to challenge the young adult in me

The sickness in me

Trying to heal

What I couldn't even figure out

I know many souls

Lost

Who don't know themselves

I watched people stop watching themselves

Stop watching time

Bending broken window blinds

Blinded by love at age 19

Giving birth at age 20

A new life

A new me

A new relationship with mommy

Now referred to as Nana

Looking more like a grandma

But my best friend

Accepted for her beautiful soul

And her kindred spirit

Tortured by guilt and shame of sleeping in her imaginary head shop

Everyday of every necessary moment of my life

Life awakens death

And death woke me from a dream

A dream of peace and sobriety forgotten by my mother

Until the day she tasted her last breath

And it was a bitter taste of drug abuse and overdose

To cry is for another time

To cry at my grandfather's funeral on the day of my daughter's third birthday party

A day after I fought with my husband

A fight that ended with bruises and tears

A marriage he celebrated everyday with...

Just one beer

that always led to another and another and another

And another time and place

To place myslf at my grandmother's funeral

Laid to rest next to her daughter

Died of a heart attack aka broken heart

Broken by the death of her daughter

I became bitter

A taste not so sweet

Written 2004

More by this Author

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Comments 26 comments

Mentalist acer profile image

Mentalist acer 6 years ago from A Voice in your Mind!

I'ts time to become selfish and start thinking of and for yourself.


lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca

Wow, figment-what a way to tell part of your story. As you know from the forums, I've also experienced such parental betrayal and abuse, and I truly feel for others who've gone through the same.

Thanks for sharing this.


Milee 6 years ago from Indianapolis, Indiana

WOW!


hypnodude profile image

hypnodude 6 years ago from Italy

It happens really rarely that I have no words to say, but I like this hub, and thanks for sharing such personal informations. Rated up and stumbled.


Mekenzie profile image

Mekenzie 6 years ago from Michigan

figment, oh the pain written on this hub .. so incredibly unjust and undeserved. A child so neglected is unthinkable in my world... My mother's heart wants to hug you to myself and tell you ... honey, you are of greater value than all the riches of the world... there is only one you and you matter. You are a gifted writer .. I notice the hub was written in 2004 ... this is the first hub I've read by you ... I'll be reading more... Big Virtual Hug from me to you. :)


pinkylee 6 years ago

im speechless as words cant describe my thoughts of this poem... amazing, touching, beautiful all come to mind but it is so much more than that


Rascal Russ Miles profile image

Rascal Russ Miles 6 years ago from Show Low, AZ USA

WOW !!! I am blown away... Such feeling and depth... I am you latest Fan...


resspenser profile image

resspenser 6 years ago from South Carolina

I have seen poems on hubpages before but yours is the first I have ever actually read. That is some tough life you have lived. Hope things are better for you and especially for your daughter. Great hub!


figment profile image

figment 6 years ago from Texas Author

Thank you so very much!


BEAUTYBABE profile image

BEAUTYBABE 6 years ago from QUEENSLAND AUSTRALIA.

This poem tells so succinctly just how much you suffered as a little girl growing up.I hope you find some peace of mind in your writing, it can be very therapeutic.

I found when I started writing my poems, it was very therapeutic, because I wrote down my inner thoughts from my heart and it allowed me to deal with things that had been bugging me for years.

Try it Figment, it really works as anyone on HP's will attest to Beautybabe.


Justine76 6 years ago

Keep writing. Im sorry, I don't have better advice, but its helping me. I saw you on the lonley forum, and wanted you to know, you may feel lonely, but your not alone.


Rafini profile image

Rafini 6 years ago from Somewhere I can't get away from

I rarely cry when I read, but this is a special moment like no other. Keep writing, we will keep reading.


nadp profile image

nadp 6 years ago from WEST PALM BEACH, FLORIDA

This brought tears. I can hardly imagine what it must have been like (still is?) to have had a life like that. You have a lot to overcome - but it sounds like you are working very,very hard at it. You should be so proud of yourself for each day of normalcy that you give to your little girl.


cupid51 profile image

cupid51 6 years ago from INDIA

I simply can't express my feelings in words! It seems that each and every word of the poem is engraved on your heart with your own nail.Thanks for sharing.


Faybe Bay profile image

Faybe Bay 6 years ago from Florida

I wish I was your mother, I wish you could meet my daughter. I wish I could take all of that and make it be exactly the opposite of what it was. I wish Figment I wish so hard. I wrote a poem Called if wishes were horses. I guess I better post it one of these days. Wishes aren't horses. I can't go back in time and make it right. I wish I'd been there for you.


defenestratethis profile image

defenestratethis 6 years ago from Honolulu, Hawaii

Wow..so poignant, beautiful and sad. Broken hearts and burnt bridges. So common in the wake of an addicts life..yes? You just got another fan.


lctodd1947 profile image

lctodd1947 6 years ago from USA

I can see the pain and I am so sorry. You see yourself as you have said so you have changed your fate. That is what is important; only we can save ourselves.

Thank you for sharing


Lynda Gary profile image

Lynda Gary 6 years ago

I hope you'll visit my profile. I'd like to know you.


Mikel G Roberts profile image

Mikel G Roberts 6 years ago from The Heartland

This was very well done. I'm sorry for your tragedy, but I'm glad you survived it.

Keep writing...

Mikel


sophs 6 years ago

Ohhh this is so moving, it brought tears to my eyes. Very well written, great work! Keep shining Figment! :)


theirishobserver. profile image

theirishobserver. 6 years ago from Ireland

What a magnificant poem - what a story - well done - who knows why it all happens - but it does - great to see you writing and sharing your life with others - well done...


Micky Dee profile image

Micky Dee 6 years ago

It's a hard story told so very well. Thank you Figment.


H.C Porter profile image

H.C Porter 6 years ago from Lone Star State

I give you much respect for sharing this with everyone- it shows the strength which you hold within. Great emotion and very powerful words-Fantastic Hub.


Eric Prado profile image

Eric Prado 6 years ago from Webster, Texas

Absolutely astounding. Very compelling. I can, to some points relate to how you must have felt in parts of your life growing up. This hub is very heart felt and I have to say, very well done. You really made me capture your emotions and feeling that was put into this. I feel you, sister. =)


blaise25 profile image

blaise25 6 years ago from close to you...

That was so tormenting. Extremely well written. You've got a new fan :)


figment profile image

figment 6 years ago from Texas Author

Thank you.

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