Top 10 Things We All Do - But Pretend We Don't
We Are All Idiots
Oh yes, I said it. We are all idiots. We all make mistakes. We all do totally ridiculous things, and on a fairly regular basis. It is really the glue that holds us all together. If you aren't feeling that connected to society, then check out this list and see how many things you do on this list. I will bet you realize in no time that we all have stuff in common... even if you'd prefer not to admit it.
We all have moments of brilliance, but let's be honest, those moments are few and far between. In general, most of us have moments of idiocy, forgetfulness, or just plain embarrassment. So let's take some time to appreciate these activities we'd probably rather forget.
1. You Say or Do Stupid Things to Keep a Pet or Child Happy
I don't care who you are. I don't care how bad your singing skills are when other people are subjected to your songs. You sing to babies and/or animals when no one is around.
I know what you are thinking right now. How does she know? Is she peeking in my window at night when I sing to my parrot? No, I am not. I don't even know you. But I know you sing to your pet. You know how I know? I sing to my dog. He likes it or at least I think he does. He howls along to the songs I compose for him. Oh yes, you heard it. I write songs for him, too. He enjoys songs like "Puppy, Puppy" (to the tune of "Lovefool") and "Little Bitty Pitty One" (to the tune of "Little Bitty Pretty One" since he is a pit bull). They are not going to ever be Top 40 Hits, but he enjoys them.
Perhaps pets are not your thing, but you have kids or babysit kids. You've sang to them or danced with them or done something totally stupid for them; your greatest hope is that no hidden cameras are anywhere nearby. You don't think so? Oh, I will bet you do!
Maybe you've played the "stinky feet" game with a baby. You know the game... pretending to smell the baby's feet and then exclaiming "stinky feet!" I don't know why we do this. For Pete's sake, sometimes the baby's feet really do stink, yet we all continue. Perhaps you've merely attended a tea party full of teddy bears and unicorns. Kudos to you if you are a father wearing a tiara when you go to your 4 year old daughter's big event. Hope she doesn't have a camera!
2. You Pick Your Nose
Oh, I said it. Admit it, you pick your nose. When you think no one is looking, you go for it. Sometimes with a Kleenex... sometimes not! Maybe you are a really discreet picker, but everyone does it. Sure, some folks make it too public and some people look like they are digging for gold, but most of us try to keep this activity on the down-low.
So hide in the bathroom stall at work and pick away, my friend. Take comfort in knowing the person in the next stall could be doing the exact same thing.
3. Your Own Reflection Scares You Sometimes
Admit it, you've been scared of your own reflection before. Don't think so? Hmmmm. I will bet there has been a time or two you've been creeping to the bathroom in the middle of the night. All the lights are off and you are walking on tip toes so you don't wake anyone up. All of a sudden, who is that staring back at you from the spare bedroom? Gasp! An intruder. Or wait? No, someone just left the door open and you are staring straight in the mirror at yourself.
We've all done it. Maybe you are not at home though. Perhaps you've spooked yourself out at a hotel room or someone else's house. You could just be working late one night at the office and walk by the mirrored hallway that seems so non-threatening in the light of day, but so damn scary when you are left by yourself. Did you scream when you saw your own reflection? Come on, admit it, you know you did.
4. You Totally Blank Out For No Reason
We've all been there before. You walk into a room with a purpose in mind. Sometimes you are moving swiftly with great confidence. Then it happens. Why did I walk into this room? It must have been important, but who knows?
If you haven't experienced this yet, don't worry, you will. The older you get and the more things you have on your mind, the more likely you will have this experience. Even better, when you can't remember why you are in the room, you will try to figure out something else to do so you can justify your actions. After all, as long as you achieve something, then you can pretend you are not forgetful.
For instance, you ended up in the kitchen wandering around aimlessly for five minutes. Why did you come in here? When you still can't remember why you are there, you write an appointment on the calendar and fill up the water pitcher. There! You did not walk into the kitchen for no reason. Ten minutes later when you are sitting at your desk thirsty and drowsy, you realize you meant to make coffee instead. If you hurry fast enough back to the kitchen, you might just remember to make that coffee this time.
Have you ever been in the middle of a sentence and totally forget what you were talking about? Well, I have! I'll bet you have, too. One minute, you are rambling on about spreadsheets. Ten seconds into your sentence about the new formula you just inserted into column C, you blank out. Wait, what? Was I just talking about kittens?
Let's face it, we talk about some pretty mundane crap at times. No wonder we blank out sometimes. Best to just pause and pretend you meant to change the subject. No one needs to know you are that confused.
Stop forgetting stuff...
5. You've Wished Awful Things Would Happen to Someone
I don't care how saintly you are, you've wished evil on someone else. Even the sweetest people on the planet get upset sometimes. Whether you want to admit it or not, sometimes you just wish karma would come back and get someone good.
For example, maybe you hope your neighbor with blaring loud music will go deaf. I mean, maybe not all the way deaf because that is totally mean, but hey, a little hearing loss might teach him a lesson. Perhaps you rarely wish awful things on anyone, but you did hope that kid that pushed your face in the sandbox in 3rd grade would trip on a banana peel in the cafeteria.
It is just human nature to occasionally want a little revenge on annoying people. It is, however, inappropriate or even slightly psychotic to actually act out anything too terrible.
6. You've Had Questionable Hygiene Moments
I have no doubt most of you smell lovely. You are all walking around fresh and clean. However, there are these moments in life you'd prefer to forget. We all have at least one morning in our lives when we've forgotten a crucial step in our routine, or maybe did not have enough time for it.
When we are in a rush, we tend to skip a step or forget it all together. We've all had those days when we hope those around us don't get a little too close, or they may notice we did not have time for a shower. Perhaps you are a lady with long hair and you just did not have time for that much needed shampoo that morning. You just simply put your hair in a ponytail and hoped for the best. And of course, there are those horrible mornings when brushing teeth is forgotten. It does not happen often, but oh when it does, some sort of action to rectify the situation must take place. You'd better find those breath mints in your purse or rush by your local pharmacy for a travel toothbrush / toothpaste combo.
No time for a shampoo today?
7. You Are Kind of Hoping For the Worst
Most of us try our best to be optimistic each day. If you are not genuinely optimistic, then you probably at least try to pretend to be just to keep everyone else happy. But aren't there times you just sort of hope for the worst?
For instance, you hear about a snowstorm coming and think, "You know what would be better than 2 feet of snow? 5 feet of snow!" How exciting would that be? Sure, it would not be an ideal situation. It would actually be pretty awful; but every now and then, in the back of your mind, a total catastrophe just seems more interesting than your otherwise uneventful week.
Of course, don't ever say this out loud, especially to your aunt that has been planning a vacation for months and needs good weather for her flight out. You can just pretend you never thought about a disaster snowstorm... or that zombie apocalypse you secretly wish would happen.
George Carlin - Natural Disasters Getting Worse
8. You Laughed When You Should Have Shut Up
We've all had the semi-horrifying experience of laughing at the wrong moment. The most common experience is someone falls and we should offer to help them up. Instead, we laugh out loud until realizing that person is not laughing. Maybe it is your boss who is carrying a pile of paperwork that flies in the air. Perhaps it is your grandmother and her poodle just tripped her. Either way, you should have shut up. People get hurt when they fall! It does not matter if America's Funniest Home Videos has built an entire show around it.
You could be a nice person that never laughs when someone falls. However, I am sure you've still experienced the super-awkward experience of laughing at a most inappropriate time. Maybe you were watching a serious movie at the theater and at the death scene, while everyone else around you is crying their eyes out, you burst into laughter. Maybe you've even been at a real funeral, but could not control yourself when someone says something only you find amusing. It happens to the best of us.
9. You Waved at the Wrong Person
You know you've done it. You are walking down the street and you think you see your neighbor, Jill. You are gleefully waving away until you realize... that is not Jill. Even worse, that is not even a woman. You are waving at a long-haired guy that looks shockingly like Jill. Whoops!
The only way to play that off is to pretend you are swatting a fly or waving at the person behind that guy. After all, you don't want to appear nice and friendly to some random person, do you?
10. You've Faked Being Asleep When You Were Really Awake or Faked Being Awake When You Were Asleep
This is an interesting one because I think we've all done it and probably much more often than we are willing to admit. How many times have you been trying to take a nap or trying to go to sleep, and then someone wants to bother you? Your eyes are shut and you are alert, but wish you were not. Here comes your spouse, your child, or someone other person that wants to have a conversation with you. You know what? You don't care; you've had enough for one day. Usually when you pretend to sleep, that person will give up and go away. If not, you really let them have it with, "Can't a person sleep around here?" No one needs to know you were not really asleep.
Better yet, when the dog needs to be let outside in the wee hours of the morning, do you and your spouse both just lay there in silence? Both of you pretend to be asleep waiting to see which one finally admits defeat. The dog is unrelenting and eventually someone takes pity on him.
Quite the opposite is the person that pretends to be alert, but is falling asleep. This happens while being subjected to events like school plays, weddings, or that 3 hour meeting at work. A lot of head bobbing and denials such as, "Oh yeah, good job," or "Wow, what an amazing speech" occur during these moments. A little piece of advice, if you can get away with wearing sunglasses, by all means, do it! And a big thanks to you if you made it through this rather long hub without falling asleep. It is OK, you can take your nap now!
Copyright ©2015 Jeannieinabottle
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