Top Ten Reasons For Not Having A Guy As A Pet…

Following my guide to dogs:

http://hubpages.com/hub/Top-Ten-Reasons-To-Not-Get-A-Dog

and cats:

http://hubpages.com/hub/Top-Ten-Reasons-For-Not-Having-A-Cat

I have used the same categories to describe the XY gene group…

10. Jealousy.

Men have no problem with jealousy. If you are jealous of attention paid to him, it is your problem. If he is jealous of attention paid to you, it is also your problem. 

9. Aroma.  

A) Men believe that their body aromas are an aphrodisiac. This aphrodisiac is so powerful it removes the need for foreplay. (The ‘dinner and a movie,’ or ‘wine and roses’ route, is trumped by letting one rip under the covers and sharing.)

B) Men use aroma for laundry purposes, by sniffing their clothes, they can tell whether it is still in the aphrodisiac stage, or totally rank and needs laundered. “Laundry” is indicated by the item moving closer to the laundry basket than it was yesterday.


8. Shedding.

Not as much hair shedding as our canine and feline friends, but there will always be some of it lurking about unappetizingly. Hair in your sink, the shower and the bathtub are a given, but it’s the pubic ones on the yellow crusted porcelain, that have the greatest gag factor. Men do, however, shed clothes. Seeing as they always seem to wear the same stuff, it is remarkable how much is left lying around for the tidy fairies to pick up.

7. Property Rights.

Guys have stuff. Girls have junk. Stuff is not to be touched. Junk is to be moved out of the way. Good junk is “ours” until it can be claimed as stuff. Why the divorce courts have not recognized this, is a mystery.  (Kids are her junk, except when playing little league, which is guy stuff, duh…)

6. Digestion.

A topic of great importance.

The male digestive system gives regular reports on its operating status. Belches signify that all is working well, and is also a way of saying thank you to the cook. (You see, he does compliment you…) Farting is an olfactory announcement that the system is fully functioning, the comments that are attached, a clue (the only clue?) to the mood and demeanor of the fartee. Thus, laughing and exuberant statements of “what died?” mean he is happy. Be careful, sex may follow.

5. Expense.

Played with care, your guy could be inexpensive, however, as they tell women on a regular basis, men have needs. These include a dirt bike, a toy hauler, a SeaDoo, and a car or truck that will make him attractive to the ladies.

Money spent by guys is necessary.

Money spent by women is wasted. 

4. Food.

Guys are not generally fussy about food. Quality is trumped by quantity, and all food is seen as simply the raw material to keep the digestive system in good order. Any combination of meat and cheese is a winner.

Salad is seen as a personal insult (yeah, you just called him fat…).

Vegetables are only good for creating good farts, so the brussel sprout is king. Unless you are a chef, guys do not cook food. Guys eat food. Guys can put anything between two pieces of, or on, bread and call it a meal. Pizza is the ultimate guy food, nutrition, utensils, and plate, in one. (The dregs left in the box are to feed the tidy fairies.)

3. Drink.

Means beer.

Beer is an excellent guy beverage, it produces quality belches and farts, and after enough of it, attractive women to go to bed and smother under the bedclothes.

Guys can drink beer at any time of the day, and always have room for just one more. It is enjoyed so much, that the guy will eat and drink other things to make him thirsty (shots of whatever and pretzels…).

2. Licking.

OK, this made more sense with the cats and the dogs, but guys do lick. It is what you women call washing up.

1. Intelligence. 

Guys are more intelligent than women. 

Well, in their own minds. 

There is absolutely no empirical data to prove that they are smarter, but guys trust their gut, the second most important organ, and their gut, though smelly beyond belief, is rarely wrong. 

Unless it is, which would somehow be your fault.

Guys don’t have time for remembering, their brain cells are fully occupied in the storage of sports statistics, lines from movies, and obscure lyrics to songs. If they need anything that requires intelligence, they will have a buddy who knows the answer.


And this week’s bonus offering, the extra ten percent…

Simplicity.

Guys are simple creatures. They evolved from Labrador dogs that liked beer. Easily confused, (Try standing in front of him naked, a beer in one hand, pizza in the other, and watch the internal mental battle commence…)

They are blessed with unassailable confidence and the unshakable belief that being a guy is the best thing ever.

Unless you really need one, can I suggest a non-beer drinking Labrador instead…


Dear Hub Reader


If you enjoy this hub, please check out my book,

Homo Domesticus; A Life Interrupted By Housework,

A collection of my best writings woven into a narrative on a very strange year in my life.

Available directly from:

http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/homo-domesticus/12217500

Chris


More by this Author

  • Playing Nice In The Sandbox...
    39

    It is important to abide by the rules of the sandbox: Throwing sand is never OK. Being mean will eventually result in you playing, unhappily, on your own. No taking of other peoples buckets without asking No...

  • Lemon County: Nursing Home Humor...
    38

    Our local newspaper, the Lemon County Register, reported today that data showed average life expectancy in Lemon County is four years higher than the US average. This led me, naturally, to having a bit of a laugh at the...

  • Top Ten Reasons For Not Having A Cat...
    32

    10. Jealousy. Thou shalt at all times adore the cat, even if said cat is ignoring you. Anything that is not the cat, and you have any affection for, can be destroyed with impunity. 9. Aroma. Usually the cat...


Comments 22 comments

rotl profile image

rotl 5 years ago from Florida

Very funny, I'll have to share this with some of my friends, they will get a kick out it. Nice job!


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

roti,

Dang, you were fast...

Thanks for reading, leaving a comment and passing it on,

Chris


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana

I cannot thank you enough! I just got a man-pet at the "Buy A Man-Pet Here" store yesterday. I'm bringing him back before the trouble begins! Wow! That was close!!!


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Sue,

Interesting? How is your husband going to react to that!

Guys are not like dogs or cats, in that, more than one rarely works. I hope you got a full refund, though I'm supprised you went to the store. You can pick them up for free at the pound (any place that sells electronics or tools...)

Would make a great Daily Wierd though...

Chris


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana

Chris- Yes, my husband might not have been too happy to have another man-pet belching to compliment my elegant cuisine. ~stifling laughter~

I guess I really hadn't thought the whole thing through. He just looked so pathetic there at the "Buy-A-Man-Pet-Here" store, that I acted without thinking.

I ended up sending him to the pound (Home Depot) and he never came home. The last I saw him he was sniffing frantically and following some chic with Bud Light in her cart. They don't actually sell Bud Light at Home Depot, so I have to imagine that she brought it from home to help her find a man-pet.


Tammy L profile image

Tammy L 5 years ago from Jacksonville, Texas

Too funny, Chris. I can hardly wait for the top 10 reasons not to have a woman as a pet.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Tammy,

You know it is being worked on. I have to tread with care as I would like to stay inside the house this Christmas, and maybe even receive a gift...


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Sue,

Crisis averted. All is right with the world. A man-pet's not just for Christmas, you know. It is so sad to see all the abandoned guys after the holidays. They are so much harder to find homes for, once they've passed the "puppy" stage. Some do get adopted, but it is never enough...

Chris


dallas93444 profile image

dallas93444 5 years ago from Bakersfield, CA

A smart woman treats their "man" like a dog and he will always come back home... and be grateful.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

dallas93444,

Really? I think that might stir a few responses...

I, myself, am not particularly fond of the smack on the nose thing...

Chris :)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana

Chris- I think dallas must mean that you feed him, clean up after him, and let him lie around all day. Oh, and you pet him often too. Lots of praise ("that's my good man-pet") when he does a trick like sitting instead of running, or not drooling on the sofa probably help as well.


dallas93444 profile image

dallas93444 5 years ago from Bakersfield, CA

...well, "she" is a HE! Not lie around all day, but scratch him behind his ears, feed him, and exercise him...


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Sue,

I've messed up somewhere, as my hapless househusband hubs can attest, I need to be more dog. I do tricks all day....(that did not come out right!) and I never drool on the sofa.

Have to admit, I love it when She-who-is-adored scratches my back...

Chris


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Dallas,

not sure anyone was questioning your gender, did I miss something here?

Like the scratching though.

If you don't already read Sue's hubs, please check them out. She is completely insane with a fixation on the bathroom end of the humor scale...

I'm nervous about next weeks Girl-pet hub, but it needs done, right?

Chris


Stan Fletcher profile image

Stan Fletcher 5 years ago from Nashville, TN

Chris, this was really funny, mostly because it's true. I ROFLed on myself while reading. Then I read it through again from the perspective of a archeologist who might come across it a thousand years from now. You have described 21st century man very accurately here. We're basically like cavemen with access to cooler toys (as mentioned in #5 above). You'll be treading on some dangerous ground with the girl-pet hub, but we're all pulling for you. Or at least I am.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Stan,

Thank you for spending time on the laughing floor.

Your masterful works on bodily functions should be required reading before any woman acquires a man as a pet.

OK, I know you meant well, but I'm not sure what it is you were planning to pull. That seems rather rude. Would you just Root for me instead? I know I'd feel much more comfortable...

Thanks


brimancandy profile image

brimancandy 5 years ago from Northern Michigan

That was very cute. But, as a guy, I can disagree on some of the stuff on my own behalf. But, a lot of what you said is dead right and funny stuff for others.

I especially liked the naked with a pizza and a beer. Now lets put the shoe on the other foot, a man naked with his credit card in one hand, and a lavish fur coat and jewelry in the other, with a sign that says pick just one. And, watch a womens head explode!

This of course doesn't work on Gay men, because they already know that they will eventually get all three, or have enough of their own stuff, that they don't need to choose anything.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Bri, with mancandy as the rest of your moniker, of course this wasn't about us, it was about them...

I'm treading lightly on the woman pet idea as my owner might stop feeding me etc... and I'm unqualified to see this from a gay perspective, though I would imagine it could be hillarious. I suspect the best versions of those hubs would be written by a woman and a gay man respectively- any takers?

Thanks for dropping by and leaving a comment - much appreciated,

Chris


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 5 years ago from England

Hi, really funny, and oh so true! hee hee


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Nell,

I think these are the guys who have been emailing you...

Chris


toknowinfo profile image

toknowinfo 5 years ago

So funny that I want to bookmark it to keep laughing. Great hub. Rated up and of course, funny.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

toknowinfo,

Thanks, if I can save just one woman, I'd feel like I had done my duty...

Thanks for the read, comment and follow - hopefully I can keep you laughing for a long while

(and there's a lot in the back catalogs...)

C :)

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working