Top Ten Reasons To Not Get A Dog...

Adorable now...
Adorable now...
You can resist...
You can resist...
You're not really trying are you...
You're not really trying are you...
That's not love, he's laughing at you...
That's not love, he's laughing at you...
Before learning how to bark...
Before learning how to bark...
Oh, give in already...resistance is futile!
Oh, give in already...resistance is futile!


Top ten reasons to not get a dog (and I’ve owned a few, loved them all, but…)



10 Jealousy. Your cat will go psycho. (Oh, you think its psycho now, but just you wait…)



9 Aroma. Everything you own will immediately smell of dog (car, sofa, inside of fridge…)



8 Shedding. Every item of clothing will have dog hairs on it (Fact, a ten pound dog sheds nine pounds of hair a day…)



7 Property Rights. You no longer own anything (Unless you “mark” it first…)



6 Digestion. Everything is either edible or a challenge (Can’t eat it? don’t stop chewing yet…)



5 Expense. Vet bills (makes the divorce look like it saved you money…)



4 Food. All food is, in fact, dog food (Fact, a ten pound dog eats nine pounds of food a day…it balances the hair thing)



3 Drink. Your toilet is now a refreshment center (You did flush didn’t you…)



2 Licking. No discernment in the licking department (his butt, that dead thing in the alley, your face…)



1 Intelligence. Purebred or Mongrel, the dog is smarter than you. You don’t see him picking up your poop every week do you? Rushing off to work to make sure you are fed? Grooming you? Who exactly is the master, and who is the pet…



And this weeks bonus reason...



Freeloading. You remember that guy in college, the one who lived on your couch, ate your food, stole your clothes, and damaged your stuff. Well, you just bought him home for the next twelve to fifteen years…


Dear Hub Reader


If you enjoy this hub, please check out my book,

Homo Domesticus; A Life Interrupted By Housework,

A collection of my best writings woven into a narrative on a very strange year in my life.

Available directly from:

http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/homo-domesticus/12217500

Chris


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Comments 24 comments

Merlin Fraser profile image

Merlin Fraser 6 years ago from Cotswold Hills

I think Dog's have a great philosophy in life, "If you can't Eat It, Chase It or Hump It; Piss on it and Move On !"

We can learn a lot from dogs !

Plus there is that old Chinese saying; "Treat a dog like a Human and he will treat you like a Dog !"


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Merlin,

Perhaps you should write the "Tao of Dog"?

I'm dog free at present, so the hub was half me convincing myself I don't need one and half why not.

Thanks for reading - really enjoyed your Panto Hub,

Chris


jrsearam profile image

jrsearam 6 years ago from San Juan, PR

While I must thank you for providing me with sufficient justification for not buying my daughter a dog for Christmas, I am afraid she now hates you almost as much as me. Oh well, I'm sure you can deal with it. Thanks for backing me up with your very opportune hub. JR


Merlin Fraser profile image

Merlin Fraser 6 years ago from Cotswold Hills

Chris I added a reply on the Panto Hub just for you....


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

jrsearam,

But look at those cute little faces...

Thanks for making me the bad guy in this!

Chris


Merlin Fraser profile image

Merlin Fraser 6 years ago from Cotswold Hills

Tell jrsearam a dog's not just for Christmas...

It has to be a Turkey !

Remember years ago they had that thing about adopte a Grannie for Christmas...

They had this agency phone up an say do you want an Old Lady for Christmas....?

My Ex wife said no thanks we're having a Goose !


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 6 years ago from Indiana

I like the bonus reason best of all!

When I finally sit down (exhausted from picking up the poo, sweeping the hair, cleaning up the puke, changing and cleaning the water bowls, and walking my two little freeloaders so they can unload some more poo) and they cuddle up next to me and put their heads on my lap, they live to freeload another day.

I'm so easy. :)

I think I'll just go over each and every one of these points with my dogs. I'm sure they'll agree that they should pack their doggie bones and be on their way.....


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Sue,

Now be strict, speak in a clear, firm voice...

And capitulate completely.

There is a sort of freedom to being dog free, especially as everyone else in my street has a dog, and most of them like to visit, hang out with me a little while, you know, talk smack about the cats...

Chris


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 6 years ago from Indiana

Ok, I know you didn't mean the part about capitulating to be potty humor, but I swear to God that's my kid's favorite word; she says that when you use it properly it sounds like the person pooped on themselves. I don't know where she gets this stuff!

Talkin' smack about the cats (lol)... maybe our towns really are alike... or not.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Sue,

I strongly suspect the distaff gene pool...

Chris


Robin profile image

Robin 6 years ago from San Francisco

Loved your Hub, Chris! Our dog, Maggie, who is 10 now looked like the first puppy - dang she was cute. She's a German Shepherd and it too smart for her (and our) own good. Plus, she sheds like crazy! It was insane when the babies were crawling, I was like a crazy woman vacuuming multiple times a day! Paul and I got the puppy first, then had the babies. Even though we love Mag, she's just now starting to get attention again because our girls are growing up and loving her. I recommend having the kids first then getting the dog down the road. They are so much work, but also great companions. Always love reading your Hubs!


Gypsy Willow profile image

Gypsy Willow 6 years ago from Lake Tahoe Nevada USA , Wales UK and Taupo New Zealand

Yeah they are good reasons and full of good sense. I'm still going to get one though!


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Robin,

Up until a few years ago, I had always had a pair of dogs. They would keep each other company and were easy to train as a pair. They were all long haired... and the carpet quickly became fur. I never quite gave in to it, but...

Thanks for the comment, great meeting you at the HubCamp,

Chris

Gypsy Willow,

Of course you will. (And I think they know that!) I've been thinking about a rescue dog, I have a friend who has a rescue greyhound - nicest dog you could ever wish for. I can feel myself weakening by the hour...

Thanks for reading, leaving a comment, and the follow. Hopefully I can tickle your funny bone on a regular basis,

Chris


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England

Hi, Ahhh! but how can you say such things? lol yep you are totally right! I always seemed to be chasing my dog around the living room with a brush in one hand and a dog lead in another! and did it take notice? heck no! but I still want another one! cheers nell


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Nell,

The title may, in and of itself, be treason in the UK.I realise that...

In a previous life, I remember the anger and disgust over any report of animal cruelty. I saw a man, hard as nails and a self confessed life-long criminal break down in tears over the way the people next door treated their dog. He called me (as a police officer) to go over, and "sort it", as he was afraid of what he might do!

Chris


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England

Hi, again, we certainly are stupid over dogs! lol I remember going to corfu and I noticed that there were loads of dogs laying by sun beds, but only certain ones, when I asked I was told that it was the Brits! we were feeding them and giving them water, and the dogs knew! and it also happened in Kos, I was the only one on the beach with a rottweiller under my sunbed! ha ha


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Nell,

I'm writing a hub as we speak, about a time we used a "dog" to help catch a criminal. BTW, you challenged me to write about ferrets some time back, did you catch that hub?

http://hubpages.com/literature/Ferreting-Around

Brits and their animals - we are a lost cause. I strongly suggest that no one from the UK ever visit Mexico - there is a ten dog maximum for rescue purposes!

Chris


Tammy L profile image

Tammy L 6 years ago from Jacksonville, Texas

You forgot "nose in the crotch" especially to houseguests and the "leg lovin'". LOL

Oh well, if we didn't have our dogs (or in my case cat), we wouldn't know anybody with any common sense. LOL

Good hub. Enjoyed it very much.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Tammy,

I'm working on my list for next week, which naturally needs to be about cats. We were the proud "owners" of a siberian snowshoe, looking much like your photo. She owned us, of course...

Thanks for the comment,

Chris


prairieprincess profile image

prairieprincess 6 years ago from Canada

Ha Ha Ha! Again, completely hilarious! This is so so funny! And these are the reasons that I don't have dogs!


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

prairieprincess,

Ah, but you love your cats don't you. How do these creatures, smaller than us, with tiny brains, get to be so very important in our lives?

Maybe we are the dumb animals...?

Chris


SonQuioey10 profile image

SonQuioey10 4 years ago from Williamston NC

Very funny, and you're right about the freeloading, at least cats attack and tangle with rodents that come in the house, dog's say, nope, I'm not dealing with that. Loved it.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 4 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

SonQuioey10

Glad I could tickle your funny bone, thanks for the comment and the follow.

C


hannah 3 years ago

I'm pretty sure if you're feeding your ten-pound dog nine pound of food everyday, you are over feeding it.

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