Train, Rain, and Pain

Train...
Train... | Source
Train in the rain...
Train in the rain... | Source
Pain...
Pain... | Source

Mental Inventory...

Recent business reverses force me to reappraise my writing career.

My ill-advised attempts to ‘corner’ the Internet has led to the ownership of twenty-three copies of The Game of Monopoly, near insolvency, and an embarrassing criminal conviction. The reader needn’t worry about the sordid details of that failed enterprise...suffice it to say...I learned my lesson...

I understand that long-term writing success requires long-term writing effort.

I know this. I do.

The concept does not sit well with my notions of instant gratification...namely...that the pleasures of instant gratification shouldn’t be delayed too long...still...one must hone their craft.

I understand this. I do.

It’s a matter of mastering the online S.E.O. rules...picking appropriate topics, and generating correct titles. It’s about writing many fine ‘useful’ articles that people are actually Google-ing results for.

I know this. I do.

Previous efforts failed due to a lack of expertise in the relevant subject matter.

Again...this is now known by me.

A cooking hub went south. Efforts to help ward against internet hackers resulted in a Hub that explained, in 3,000 words, that I actually did not know how to do that. Attempts to clarify Hub Metrics proved less than impressive. Again...lack of expertise...

I had done some niche research prior to flailing into my latest literary endeavor. They like Hubs about kids. I briefly considered a Hub I had written about Orphans.

That was perhaps not my niche, either.

How-to’s are popular. Especially the ones that have detailed pictures of the how-to-ing as it is doing. Many of the things I know how-to do, however, would be a direct violation of TOS policy I fear...and I would certainly be unwilling to provide pictures as I was doing those things that (directly) violated TOS policy.

It was in the course of this research that I found the niche, in which, I would rest my laptop...

Travel and Places.


Luggage...
Luggage... | Source
Blood Bank...
Blood Bank... | Source

Luggage Inventory...

I live in a tourist town. I know tourists. I don’t like them...but I know them. They’re tourist. They bring money into town that helps pay for our fire guys to protect us. General tax fund stuff, I think. I’m not really sure. My expertise lies more in knowing that I don’t like tourists...

I had to get a train ticket. That would necessitate moving some assets and liquidating others.

The asset I needed to move was a 1984 Nissan pickup truck that I had paid $500 for and which officially started...the one time. It has been sitting in my garage for the past six months...tires deflating...slowly sinking into the concrete.

I plan on moving that particular asset to the local Pick-and-Pull yard. I figured I could get a hundred bucks.

More complicated were the assets I planned on liquidating...through the sale of blood and plasma. I figured I could get $30 a quart (pint?) or so.

I would call Pick-and-Pull, pack, stop at the local Blood-bank, and then head to the train station.

The tow-truck was on its way before I hit my first snag. I don’t have any luggage. The Canadian Mounties confiscated my Samsonite awhile back on a lonely stretch of border and I had yet to replace it. I double bagged a Hefty 33-gallon trash bag before loading it with clothes and toiletries...

My fears were realized at the blood bank. There was a long wait. The line was filled with tourists who had lost their gas money in the slot machines of the local casinos in Reno, Nevada and were, literally, pooling their resources to get home. Fucking tourists...


 A picture of my chocolate chip cookie.
A picture of my chocolate chip cookie. | Source
Juice Box...
Juice Box... | Source

Money Inventory...

Two hours later, woozy and armed with a juice box and an oatmeal cookie, I’m at the train station. I sway slightly as I shift my grip on the double-bagged Hefty 33-gallon trash bag. Loss of blood makes everything a little blurry. The cookie and juice fight valiantly to make things right within my remaining blood stream...

Issues at the ticket counter. There's one remaining berth and two occupants vying for it. Myself and a foreign guy. The foreign guy had foreign money and was putting up a stink about the Amtrak attendant’s refusal to accept it.

“I have 444 pounds, 4 Shillings, and 4 pence in the bank!!” Yelled the distraught man...

I quickly pull out my truck money, blood money, and a jar of change (all American) to pay for the fare. "I'll take that ticket!"

As the nickels and dimes splash across the counter I’m accosted by the foreign guy...

“I SAY!” The foreign guy begins to protest. “Do you know who I am??”

The man’s perfectly egg-shaped head, quizzically arched eyebrows, green-eyes, small upturned mustache, and dandified dress made him immediately identifiable to me.

“Uh, yeah.” I say impatiently, “You’re a tourist, huh? Big surprise. Here’s the thing Frenchy...you need to change that money into something the fire-guys can spend...then come back here and buy a ticket. That’s how it works.”

The foreign guy begins sputtering his protestations...

“I am not French! I am Belgian! My name is Hercules Poirot!!” (Late of the Belgium police force and currently living in London...).

I look at him as the attendant counts my change...

“Whatever. Don’t spill the butter out of your waffle trough, dude.” I seek to calm the obviously hysterical man. “Bottom line...you’re on vacation...you don’t gotta be anywhere. I need to be on this train for work.”

As the portly Belgian works up his response...the attendant passes over my ticket and informs me that the train was boarding and I should hurry...

My race for the platform is, briefly, sidetracked when I see a police officer. I make a report, based purely on racial profiling, about the chubby foreign Belgian-type guy...

“What’s he doing?” The cop asks suspiciously.

“He’s being foreign.” I confide in a conspiratorial whisper.

A mean look comes into the cop’s eye as he pulls out his Billy-club...

“We’ll see about that...” He says menacingly...

Come to Reno for vacation...go home on probation...get returned...on a violation...


Poster advertising the Orient Express
Poster advertising the Orient Express | Source
Luggage...
Luggage... | Source

Clothing Inventory...

Almost immediately upon finding my stateroom, the cookie and juice admit defeat. I take a nap. I wake up several hours later to feel the train swaying from side-to-side as it rushes head-long through the stormy night...

Outside in the hall I hear the porter calling passengers to the dining car. Dinner was to be served in twenty minutes. Dinner on the Orient Express is served promptly at eight.

I dig through my double bagged, Hefty 33-gallon trash bag looking for something appropriate to wear. I shake the wrinkles out of an old Save Shelter Dogs t-shirt and find a serviceable pair of cargo-shorts.

It occurs to me that I didn’t so much as pack...as just gather my dirty laundry into the double-bagged, Hefty 33-gallon trash bag. I slip on my flip-flops.

I also pull Creative Voice out of the bag and, likewise, shake the wrinkles out of him. I didn’t have enough blood to pay for two tickets. Creative Voice stowed aboard in my laundry.

“Really? You couldn’t have just opened the bag before taking a nap? I get to lie among your dirty laundry for three hours before being allowed any air? Really?”

I feel bad. I blame the cookie and juice...they’re both quitters. They let my blood sugar down.

Still...I don’t believe in molly-coddling Creative Voice...it tends to make a bitchy situation worse...

“Shut up or I will throw you off this train and you will die when your body hits the bottom of the ravine. By God that will happen if you say one more thing on the matter.” I inform him matter-of-factly in a cold and calculating tone.

I may have had ‘harsh’ dialed up a little high...

“What the fuck? Where does THAT come from??”

“Shall we get ready for dinner?” I ask reasonably.


Room 411 at the Pera Palas hotel in Istanbul, Turkey, the room where Agatha Christie wrote Murder on the Orient Express.
Room 411 at the Pera Palas hotel in Istanbul, Turkey, the room where Agatha Christie wrote Murder on the Orient Express. | Source
Carl Reiner at the 41st Emmy Awards
Carl Reiner at the 41st Emmy Awards | Source
German garden gnome
German garden gnome | Source
Dr. Seuss...
Dr. Seuss... | Source

Passenger Inventory...

The dining car is an opulent affair, as one would imagine, on such a famed train. Fine china. Waterford crystal. Heavy expensive cutlery. Linen tablecloths. Silver candlesticks...a clutch of paisleys sitting at each table. Fancy.

There were seven place settings with six already occupied as Creative Voice and I entered the car. The other passengers watched our progress. It was an august body of literary, cinema, and television personalities.

At table one sat the Grand Dame of the mystery genre...Agatha Christie. Her traveling companion, Mary Westmacott, idly picks at her salad as we take our seats. Working clockwise...the next table is occupied by Angela Lansbury and her sleuth friend...Jessica Fletcher.

I was noticing a (mystery) trend that was shattered at the next place setting...

Carl Reiner and Richard Deacon. Reiner of course needs no introducing...he’s pretty famous. I really remember him most from his “Alan Brady” role on the old Dick Van Dyke Show.

For those familiar with that television gem...Richard Deacon played Alan Brady’s hapless brother-in-law...Mel Cooley.

Much to the discomfort of Richard Deacon...they appear to have reprised their roles from that show for this story...

“YOU’RE AN IDIOT!” Screams Reiner.

“I’m...I’m...sorry Alan...I will be...” Stumbles Mel...

“SHUT UP!” Roars Alan. “Tell me you’re an idiot. Tell me you’re an idiot!!”

“I’m an idiot.” Concedes Mel...

The next table was immune to the goings on at the previous table. Indeed, they were immune to the rest of the room. They were in love. They were newlyweds. They had nothing but eyes for each other.

By trade, the groom was a Gifted Garden Gnome, and the blushing bride was a, rather, saucy Smurfette. They were honeymooning. Although they were unaware of their surroundings...their torrid embraces are noted by various parties around the room...

The next passenger was a medical man. Doctor Seuss.

His patient (Under medical care for depression and erratic behavior following the divorce of his hot wife...Jessica Rabbit), Roger Rabbit, was fussing about and casting worried looks at the large man sitting at the next table who is rocking back and forth, staring at him, and whispering to his companion...

“Tell me about the rabbits George. Tell me about the rabbits...” Asks Lennie Small as he rocks back and forth. He stares at Roger Rabbit as if in a trance...

George Milton quiets his simple friend as he watches Creative Voice and I settle in and begin to consult our menus.

Seeing no threat being posed by us...George begins talking about the idyllic rabbit farm that was promised them by John Steinbeck in Of Mice and Men.

The loaded gun George had brought on the train was hidden in his luggage...

We were a disparate group as we kept to ourselves and ate our dinners. The train rushes through the night as the lashing rain gains strength...

By this time tomorrow...one of us would be revealed as...a MURDERER.


Wet Tourists in Trafalgar Square
Wet Tourists in Trafalgar Square | Source
Donner Party Memorial statue: erected in June 1918
Donner Party Memorial statue: erected in June 1918 | Source
Built-in Train Berths...
Built-in Train Berths... | Source
A privy...
A privy... | Source
Crack'd Mirror...
Crack'd Mirror... | Source
UCLA students protest taser incident, November 17, 2006. Photo: Michael Linder, KNX.
UCLA students protest taser incident, November 17, 2006. Photo: Michael Linder, KNX. | Source

Rain...Most Foul...

I hate the rain. Almost as much as I hate tourists. Have you ever smelled a wet tourist?

The train was sidelined by a fierce storm that descended down from the Sierra Nevada Mountains. The Sierra Nevada’s can be rough. Ask the Donner Party. Pack a lunch...

I was still awake when the train came to a stop...in the rain... That had been a little after two in the morning. At that time I had poked my head out the door in time to see an orange kimono-clad back exit my car and move to the next...

A combination of factors had kept me up. The three hour nap was the first factor...

My sharing of a wall with the honeymooning Garden Gnome and saucy Smurfette proved the second factor. Seeing that the berths were built into the wall and thus...unlikely to be the source of ‘banging headboard’ sounds...I hoped the saucy Smurfette was wearing a helmet...

Still...it was distracting. It has been awhile...you know...I mean...

It was for that reason that the stopping of the amorous activity was noticeable. This happened at 2:55 A.M.

Post coital cuddling, apparently, wasn’t a priority as I heard the door to their compartment open and close about five minutes later...someone moved past my door and down the hall...

Looking around I noticed...Creative Voice was gone...

My final reason for being awake? The three pots of coffee I drank at dinner...I went searching for a bathroom...

It was my search for a privy that put me in contact with information that was...probably privy...

“How can you let him speak with you that way?” The woman’s voice carried through an opened compartment door and into the hallway where I was, conveniently, eavesdropping.

Even had the door not been opened...her scorn-laced tone would have pushed through any obstacle...

“Well Mary...now...he’s my brother-in-law,” rationalized Mel Cooley. “He’s angry about the blackmail...”

“I don’t give a shit about his anger!” Mary Westmacott cuts him off with a hiss. “If he was worried about that he shouldn’t have had sex with that Blue strumpet! You tell him to have the money ready or I will tell that virile Garden Gnome of his transgressions!”

I move down the hall. In the next train car I experienced a (Jimmy Buffett) style blow-out of my flip-flops and, while making adjustments, I noticed, conveniently, another open door...

Although the direct view was obscured...a Crack’d Mirror on the wall showed the going-on(s) in the room...

Roger Rabbit was strapped down to a table and receiving electric shock treatment at the hands of Dr. Seuss. George Milton is watching. I can see the butt of a revolver sticking from George’s belt...

(ZaAaPP!) Went the electric shock.

“YEOW-ZI-Yow.” Yells Roger Rabbit.

“Where’s Marvin Acme’s Will?!? Is it shaped like a pill? Have you had your fill?” Demands Dr. Seuss.

“Up the juice.” Suggests George.

(ZaAaPP-ZAAAPP!) Went the electric shock.

“YEOW-ZI-Yow.” Yells Roger Rabbit.

“Where’s Marvin Acme’s Will?!? Is it near a hill? Would you tell the location...if I gave you a bill?” Demands Dr. Seuss.

“Up the juice.” Suggests George.

(ZaAaPP-ZAAAPP-ZaP!) Went the electric shock...

“YEOW-ZI-Yow.” Yells Roger Rabbit...

I was about to intervene (on Animal rights grounds) when I hear someone scream...CARL REINER HAS BEEN MURDERED!!


Desk garden gnome
Desk garden gnome | Source
Weathered old sign on side of building Uptown, advertising "Fish Fry" held every Friday and Saturday.
Weathered old sign on side of building Uptown, advertising "Fish Fry" held every Friday and Saturday. | Source
Very Hungry Cats at Crete.
Very Hungry Cats at Crete. | Source
A long Dark Tunnel...
A long Dark Tunnel... | Source
Jessica Fletcher...
Jessica Fletcher... | Source
Incontinence pad for men (package)
Incontinence pad for men (package) | Source

Murder...Most Foul...

We were all gathered in the dining car.

The train was moving again.

Dr. Seuss had examined the body. Yes...Carl Reiner was dead. Death was caused by the eighteen stab wounds his body had sustained.

Also...at the back of his throat were lodged nine pieces of black polyurethane plastic. Black pieces of a plastic trash bag...

My luggage set was unique, among the passengers, in being the only one composed of polyurethane plastic bags...

I was surprised that Agatha Christie was not the lead investigator on the case. Instead...she seemed to be surrendering that role to Murder, She Wrote ...Jessica Fletcher.

Indeed...Christie is aloof. Like a feral cat at an outside fish-fry (waiting for a red-herring)...her intentions can be gleaned but her methods are shrouded in mystery...

Sitting next to her is Mary Westmacott...Mary looks pissed. She’s busy sending daggers of anger towards the saucy Smurfette and her man...um...Gnome...

As always...those two...right? The saucy Smurfette had her hands deep inside the Garden Gnomes beard...some good scratching...some good sounds...it was good for both of them...

Admittedly...kind of awkward for the rest of us...

Perhaps the most awkward member of our party was Mel Cooley. He was muttering under his breath and mopping his wet, bald, brow with a crumpled blue handkerchief...

Roger Rabbit is sitting next to Lennie and twitching (from the electric shock) as the large man pets the softness that is...a cartoon rabbit. Roger is responding and a glimmer of trust, indeed, of salvation for the two of them is born in the tragedy that is Carl Reiner’s death.

George Milton watches the scene dispassionately.

Creative Voice and I sit next to one another as we watch the final act of our macabre story play out.

He passes over the Wikipedia article that I had requested with a knowing nod. My suspicions had been correct...

Angela Lansbury is showing the strain associated with sitting on ONE side of the room...while the other her...Jessica Fletcher...presents the results of her investigation to the group...

...narrowing the subjects...probing motive...examining means...

The whole amateur detective thing she does...

The train enters a long dark tunnel... The dining car is plunged into darkness...

The train leaves a long dark tunnel... The dining car is plunged into brightness...

“From the disturbing scene displayed last night in the dining car,” began Jessica. “It would appear pretty obvious that Mel Cooley is the prime suspect.”

Mel Cooley pees himself...

People move their chairs away from Mel Cooley...

“Motive, however,” continued the sage Maine-based sleuth, “Is not means and Mel Cooley is not, in my opinion, capable of brutally stabbing a man eighteen times! No.”

Mel Cooley visibly relaxes...

“Well...um...what if he had an accomplice?” I idly throw that idea on the (metaphorical) grill of an outside fish-fry...like a red-herring...

Mel Cooley pees himself...again...

Dr. Seuss writes a prescription for incontinence...

The train enters a long dark tunnel... The dining car is plunged into darkness...

The train leaves a long dark tunnel... The dining car is plunged into brightness...

Like feral cats at an outside fish fry (waiting for a red herring)... the saucy Smurfette...and gifted Garden Gnome are totally doing it...

Young love. What are you going to do? We continued with the investigation...


Source
Of Mice and Men...
Of Mice and Men... | Source
George's Revolver...
George's Revolver... | Source
Source

Jessica’s Thought Process Enters a Long Dark Tunnel... The Dining Car is Plunged into Darkness...

“I have it on very good authority that these two men are wanted by the police in California for the death of a foreman’s wife. The literary character (Curly’s wife) in the John Steinbeck’s novel...Of Mice and Men.” Jessica declares as she points to Lennie Small and George Milton.

Dr. Seuss chimes in...

“With directions from George...the electricity did scourge. The search for a Will...resulted in nil...”

After delivering his expert medical opinion on the matter...the good doctor sits down.

Jessica continues, “Exactly. George Milton hoped to get hold of Marvin Acme’s Will so he could get the money needed to buy the idyllic rabbit farm promised them by John Steinbeck in Of Mice and Men.

Creative Voice asks the obvious question. “What does that have to do with Carl Reiner?”

“Well, obviously...” Stammers Jessica Fletcher. “I mean clearly...” She looks to me in desperation.

The thing was this...she’s a fictional TV character, dependant on lines, fed by writers, to move the story to the next commercial break. Agatha would have been the better choice for assistance. As mentioned, however, she declined to participate.

Mary Westmacott, the name under which Christie wrote seventeen Romance novels, was a poor choice. It was while doing her research for her new book, Growing a Garden in Gnome, Alaska...that she was presented with the blackmail opportunity...

As a romance novelist, however, she’s ill-equipped to relief pitch for a mystery story this late in the game...

In terms of writers...that left me. I was, likewise, disinclined to help Jessica. I did figure a way to put her out of her misery, however...

I nudge Creative Voice who abruptly stands up...points at George and theatrically screams, “LOOK OUT! HE’S GOT A GUN!”

A look of sadness clouds George’s eyes. He understands that their attempts to flee by rail had failed. Once again...he pictures the pure sweet Lennie in the hands of an angry mob bent on revenge and frontier justice for the death of Curly’s wife.

Better that Lennie’s death came quickly. At the hand of one who loves and understands him. Damn John Steinbeck! George pulls out the gun...

The train enters a long dark tunnel... The dining car is plunged into darkness...

Lennie’s last moments on earth were peaceful...

He was cradling his new friend, Roger Rabbit, in his lap while that poor creature twitched and gave off a faint buzzing sound as he nuzzled in the large man’s arms...

The train leaves a long dark tunnel... The dining car is plunged into brightness...

The bullet that entered the back of Lennie’s head forced the front of his head (face included) into Roger Rabbit’s lap in a goo-ey mess.

Understandably...Roger freaks out...

As his trousers were absorbing his new friend’s perforated brain matter; His mind was absorbing the loss of his new friend...

Roger descends irretrievably into madness...

Dr. Seuss notes on his chart to up the voltage and Thorazine......

George readies to shoot again...

The train enters a long dark tunnel... The dining car is plunged into darkness...

(BANG-BANG)

(Splat. Splat)

(THUMP)

The train leaves a long dark tunnel... The dining car is plunged into brightness...

George is gone. Jessica Fletcher lies on the floor.

The bullets that entered the front of Jessica’s head forced the back of her head (face included) into Roger Rabbit’s lap in a goo-ey mess.

Understandably...Roger freaks out...

With a sad shake of his head...Dr. Seuss makes another notation on his chart...


Omelet Station...
Omelet Station... | Source
John Steinbeck Grave. Salinas. Own Work. 2007
John Steinbeck Grave. Salinas. Own Work. 2007 | Source
Sharon Tate Murder Scene...
Sharon Tate Murder Scene... | Source
TO-DO List...
TO-DO List... | Source
The Writer's Hero Journey...
The Writer's Hero Journey... | Source
Knives...
Knives... | Source

The Gaping Holes at the Back of Jessica’s Head Allow in Some Light...The Dining Car is Plunged into Brightness...

The dining car was a collection of smells. Cordite from the gun. Sex smells from the honeymooners. Onion and garlic from the breakfast service. Ammonia from Mel’s crotch...

I take over the narrative...

Stepping over Jessica’s corpse, I move to center stage. I survey the remaining ten people in the car. ..

Agatha Christie looks interested...

Mary Westmacott looks pissed at her lost blackmail opportunity...

Angela Lansbury looks at her dead ‘on-screen’ personality...

Dr. Seuss looks after his patient...

Creative Voice looks at the “TO-DO” list we had put together last night...

Mel Cooley looks at his ruined trousers...

Roger Rabbit looks at Lennie’s corpse...stares off into space...shivers...

Garden Gnome looks at Saucy Smurfette...

Saucy Smurfette looks at Garden Gnome...

I look(s) at my reflection in the Crack’d Mirror on the wall...

“George Milton and Lennie Small didn’t kill anybody.” I state mater –of-factly. “Well...I guess Lennie did kill Curly’s wife...but that was an accident. And yes, George did just blow away Lennie and Jessica, I suppose.” I temporize...

“But Carl Reiner...?” Prompts Agatha.

“Right, right, right.” I regain course. “Neither of those men killed Carl Reiner! That murderer is still on this train!”

The group bursts out in apathetic protestations of their innocence...

“I say...”

“Poppy-cock...”

“Tsk-tsk...”

“Balder-dash...”

“Pfft...”

“I have no guilt I say with a lilt.”

I begin to present my case...

In an awkward moment of shameless product placement...my excellent (but under read) short-story series (In six parts no less) falls out of my pocket and hits the floor...the title is clearly evident...

The Writer’s Hero Journey. (Featuring Faye)

During the pregnant pause that ensues...Creative Voice checks off “Shameless Product Placement” from our TO-DO list...

After nonchalantly picking up the possible, award winning mini-series, from the floor...I deftly move on...

“The answer lies in the savagery of the attack. I point out. I hold up a finger...

“Eighteen brutal knife wounds would suggest hatred so utterly profound as to have only been conceived in madness.” I lift my second finger...

“The cramming of nine pieces of black plastic trash bags down the victim’s throat speaks to the murder’s contempt.” I pause before stating the obvious. “It should be noted that black plastic trash bags can be bought anywhere by anyone.”

I hold up my third finger...

“MEL COOLEY...!” I yell...

The train enters a long dark tunnel... The dining car is plunged into darkness...

The train leaves a long dark tunnel... The dining car is plunged into brightness...

The brightness reveals that Mel has soiled himself again...

As I marvel at the man’s bladder capacity...Creative Voice checks off “Fuck with Mel’s Head” from our TO-DO list...

“IS INNOCENT!” I finish yelling...

Mel Cooley just straight passes out at this point...

The Gifted Garden Gnome and saucy Smurfette begin to use his inert form as a sex prop...

“But you understand that rage, don’t you? I say to the murderer as we make eye contact.

“You know the significance of those two numbers...eighteen stab wounds and nine pieces of black trash bags down his throat? Trash bags that, incidentally, can be bought anywhere by anyone...”

The briefest of acknowledgement slides into her eyes before retreating behind the madness that always simmers just below the surface. The rest of the passengers gasp in horror when they realize my unfounded accusation had hit home...

She barred her teeth in a horrible grimace against that truth. Madness flashed like a razor at a drunken longshoreman’s bachelor party...

The train enters a long dark tunnel... The dining car is plunged into darkness...

As I decide what to name the next section...Creative Voice checks off “Build dramatic suspense” from our TO-DO list...

The train leaves a long dark tunnel... The dining car is plunged into brightness...


The Story's Over...Nothing to See here...
The Story's Over...Nothing to See here...
The Scooby Gang...
The Scooby Gang...
In Action...
In Action...

Should I just End the Story Now...?

(That would be unfair...Oh Shit...we’re back...)

Angela Lansbury began jabbering nonsensical gibberish upon her denouement and is quickly detained by Creative Voice and Dr. Seuss. Seuss administers a very strong sedative.

As she lapses into unconsciousness her inert form is slowly absorbed into the games being played by Garden Gnome, saucy Smurfette, and the unconscious Mel Cooley...

“How did you know?” Asked an impressed Agatha. “Respect.”

“IT only made sense!” Reported the new voice from the open rail car door...We all turn in that direction...

The cast and crew of the awesome Saturday morning T.V. cartoon show...Scooby Doo.

Freddy and Daphne began fighting for space in front of the Crack’d Mirror. Scooby pees on Mel’s crotch...Shaggy raids the omelet bar...Velma...tells the story...

“Angela Lansbury had been driven mad by the shear amount of hairspray she’s used over the previous forty years to sustain the exact same hairstyle.”

Everyone in the dining car (not having sex, passed out, or dead) makes the mental connection...

“Right...?”

“Manchurian Candidate...same hair...?”

“We should have seen it coming...”

“But Carl Reiner was bald.” Points out Mary...

“Angela Lansbury holds the distinction for being the most-nominated (but never winning) person in Emmy history.” Velma explains. “Tellingly...she holds eighteen Emmy losses. One loss...for each of the stab wounds...

“The holder of the most Emmy nods?” She asks rhetorically. “Carl Reiner...with nine victories. Each victory...celebrated with a piece of trash bag being jammed down his throat.”

Lansbury always likened Reiner’s career to trash...

Angela briefly revives and reverts to the villain often portrayed in Scooby Doo...

“And I would have gotten away with it too if not for them darned kids!!” She notices what is happening to the lower part of her body and passes out again...


Source
Back Home...
Back Home... | Source

Consummation of a Deal...

“You took a number of liberties with my story young man.” Agatha says.

The bodies had been cleaned up; the orgy removed to a local Reno Motel...Roger Rabbit safely secured in a local sanatorium...

She and I were standing on the platform.

“You will notice,” I point out. “Hercules Poirot was taken care of.”

Agatha does not appear pleased.

“I wanted to do it. I wanted to frame him for the murder of Carl Reiner!”

Poirot had first appeared in her 1920 novel, The Mysterious Affair at Styles, and by the late thirties Christie found him to be insufferable. By 1960 she found him to be a “detestable, bombastic, tiresome, egocentric little creep.”

“This is better.” I assure her.

“What’s happening to him?” She demands.

“Well...if the lurid stories I rely on for information are true...he’s being passed around like a good book inside Washoe County Jail.”

She shows interest...

“Would I be able to watch this happen?”

“Um...sure. I guess...I’m not really sure of the rules...you could ask I suppose...”

“I will.” She states emphatically as she hails a taxi...

Creative Voice saunters up. “We done here?”

“I guess. We have to write that Travel Piece.” I point out.

He grimaces. It was on the TO-DO list. We tarry a bit longer for an ending to this story. Sometimes inspiration strikes...making for a tidy conclusion. After awhile it became obvious...Like the forgotten uncle who is left at the train station...inspiration wasn’t picking us up...

We walk home...


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    I have a confession...You have been lured here under false pretenses. Undoubtedly...you expected a long story. Oh...don’t worry...it is. It is also unfinished with an, as yet, un-formulated ending. (No...I mean...

  • Fear and Loathing on the Paper Route
    95

    The evening had started out inauspiciously enough. I had just started reading Hunter S. Thompson’s Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas when my roommate, Erika, had come into the room. “We were just outside...


Comments 105 comments

homesteadbound profile image

homesteadbound 5 years ago from Texas

Just one question: Do wet tourists smell worse than wet dogs?

You have a way with words ThoughtSandwiches, a way with words. And you have fun writing those words also!

Voted up!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

hi homestead...

Some times words have their way with me...but you are right...it is usually fun! Thanks so much for the stop, read, comment, and vote!

Thomas

PS...yes...tourists do smell worse than wet dogs...


homesteadbound profile image

homesteadbound 5 years ago from Texas

LOL. I didn't think of your avatar until it was too late to edit, but I guess you should know....


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

homestead...

(Laughing) ...Yes...Truman is a kind of a benchmark for wet dog smells!

Thomas


Mark Ewbie profile image

Mark Ewbie 5 years ago from Euroland

OK. Wow. Of course. You are one of a few that I read and think "now that guy can really write". Maybe one of a kind.

If I had been judging (was offered the gig but was not interested, more fool me) - I would unquestionably have put this, or probably pretty much anything you do on top of the list.

I would have been unable to put my own offering on top. That's against the rules anyway, but you get the point.

I need to stop reading you, as I go back to my own pages and they seem half finished, not sharp enough - and that is not good for the confidence required when spamming the internet 24/7.

Cheers Thomas!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Cheers Mark!

Well obviously...had you been judging...of course your fine material would be off the table thus allowing this nonsense to rise to the middle...or something along those lines.

I am glad you chose to participate over judging because you put some good enjoyable stuff out they I truly enjoyed reading.

I do hope that you will return and read more stuff. This...my first attempt at doing a mystery...well... OK...my first attempt at stealing someone else's mystery and adding my own...mix of characters...would have been less of a pleasure to deliver without your kind words serving as validation

My new "Tourist" slogan for my Hubs will be..."Come for the Odd titles...stay for the disturbing smells"

Thanks for stopping and chatting!

Thomas


lmmartin profile image

lmmartin 5 years ago from Alberta and Florida

My dear thoughtsandwiches. I've long thought and am now compelled to suggest that perhaps you should seek professional help for this obvious case of creative schizophrenia. (Either that or give up the psychotropic drugs.) Further more, anyone knows if J. Fletcher is anywhere within a 100 mile radius, someone is going to die. You should have been better prepared. All right, I'll concede you were in a weakened condition.

Lastly, considering your attitude to tourists, you best never visit me on the Gulf coast of Florida. We need those patsies and suckers too much to tolerate any such prejudices and you're likely to find yourself being stoned to death. (Or is that deathly stoned?)

Anyway, now that I've said my piece, let me congratulate you on this work. Very good. Rated up. Lynda


nemanjaboskov profile image

nemanjaboskov 5 years ago from Serbia

Thomas, you really are a genius, my friend!

This was very fun to read, as you have provided us with so many wonderful and, at the same time, gross details - which were all much appreciated by me :)

I really expected you to win an award in the November contest, but I will tell you that I have always enjoyed the works of writers who don't win awards... They always seemed more true to me.

Anyway, this was indeed an exciting experience and I cannot wait for more.

Stay well, my friend.


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

Deliciously insane... er... insanely delicious. Filled with sparkling one liners and dry humour.

I loved it.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Lynda...

I have to admit...the inferior cookie and 'quitter' juice box left me unprepared for the horrors of that train ride. Your suggestion is noted, however, and I will visit the mental health hubs...again.

Your opinion of my proximity to tourists is the same that is held by the RENO-SPARKS tourist advisory board and the guy who hires at Walmart for the 'greeter position'. I do understand. Although...if I visited...that would make me a tourist. I'm the one good tourist. I don't smell when I'm wet.

I am very glad you had the opportunity to express your peace of mind and I am especially glad you liked my little piece here!

Please come back!

Thomas


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

nemanja...

I actually thought about you as I was writing this because the Orient Express cuts through your part of the world...alas my train barely got out of Reno so I wasn't able to say hi.

Thank you for your kind words as regards the contest! Me and the roomies had to talk Creative Voice down off the ledge...but...you know how he can get...in the meantime...need to find a new contest to flail at.

The details (disgusting and otherwise) were crafted with love...I'm glad you enjoyed them!

Take care my friend!

Thomas


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Twilight Lawns!

It is indeed always an honor when you call on my humble hubs! I will say that deliciously insane and insanely delicious can be used interchangeably! I am very glad you liked it!

Thomas


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

TS - remind me not to come to Reno! I would be a F'ing tourist! Lmao! You are amazing - I just do not know how you can be so full of it - and so funny! You are one writer who can really deliver. You're style reminds me of a joke my older sister played on me when I was like 5 - she held her empty coat sleeve up and said look what is in there? Like an idiot I just had to look - and I didn't see her sweet tittle fist until it was in my black eye! Lol. You are full of sucker punches!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

hi Real...

Well...I know you so...you would get the 'a' treatment...note...you go to Vegas you might get the capital 'A" thing going...but our fire-guys need money so...come here. A little trick...leave $40 in your shoe to get home...that will keep you out of the blood bank and away from the majority of the unsavory characters in Reno.

I do like the sucker punch idea! So...how many times did your sister get you to do that? I only ask so I can figure out how many more of these you are going to read...? (laughing)

Thanks for the great comment and please come back!

Thomas


Lapse profile image

Lapse 4 years ago from East Coast Rules

I enjoyed that. Few Comments chief:

1- I'd love to see you give a quart of blood. Now THAT would be funny!

2- I forget if your celebrity assassination extends to fictional characters. Guessing it does?

3- Is everyone from Reno a xenophobe or is it just you and the fuzz?

4- That was one creepy garden gnome! Looked like he might be barred from going within 500 feet of an elementary school.

5- Who puts Roger Rabbit in their crazy ramblings and then leaves out his wife Jessica Rabbit?!?!? I mean who does that? What straight guys would leave her out... OH WAIT! Sorry got it!!!

The ending tied up pretty nicely actually. Only suggestion for next time? Make it a serial and break it up into 3 or 4 parts. (1) you get a higher hub count like barbergirl28 and her everyday P90x hubs ***rolls eyes***, (2) you could work in some sweet cliff hangers at the end of each installment, and most importantly (3) with my ADD I could barely get through that without... SQUIRREL!!


jhamann profile image

jhamann 4 years ago from Reno NV

Great story, I will need to give my mom a nod.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

James...

I am glad you liked it! Your comments...

1)I assume by your statement that (pint) might be the correct measurement? Either way...if you are going to watch...you need to bring cookie and a juice box..

2) I will kill anyone who stand in my way of ending a paragraph...

3)xenophobe? Sounds like a word a tourist would use...?

4)I was looking for the creepiest Garden Gnome I could find...you will note...he's German...

5) I sit here chastised knowing that you are right about Jessica Rabbit. A reread on your part will show that I have know included her (in the form of a shout-out).

I have found when I break stuff up...The Writer's Hero Journey...it doesn't get the same traffic. It usually starts off well...Part 1...(300 views), part 2...(210 views)...part 3...(14 views). With those kinds of drop-offs...it makes me wonder what the hell I did at the end of part 2...?

Anywho...check out Jessica Rabbit...good call on that save my friend!

Thomas


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

jhamann...

I am very glad you liked it! When you head-up your mom...let her know this one was written for her!

Thomas


Lapse profile image

Lapse 4 years ago from East Coast Rules

DIVORCED!!! :-( How?!?! Roger is a DOPE! I have lost all respect for that rabbit! I don't care if she left him. You do EVERYTHING to keep her.

I need to go back and read that 3 parter... I must critique your transitions. To be continued. I will bring juice boxes and Fudge Stripes. Those things rock.


Alastar Packer profile image

Alastar Packer 4 years ago from North Carolina

What luck! Used to know Hercules Poirot. A fellow named Hitchcock made the intros a good long time ago. Not sure I like the way you treated him Thomas; oh well..what happens in Reno stays in Reno. Brother, Of Mice and Men is one Steinbeck story I have read which helped make this hub an extra treat. Possibly your best yet Thomas- all the creative ins, outs, sideways, ups and downs came together for you here...and your readers. Agatha sure is proud of you son.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

James...

Yes...divorced. And with losing such rabbit cleavage...you can understand why he went mad...well...that and all the brains landing in his lap.

The three part-er is actually a six part-er...bring extra juice...the fudge stripes do, indeed, rock!

Thomas


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Alastar...

I remembered a conversation we had awhile back in which we discussed Of Mice and Men...I thought of you when I included the boys in this little tale. I'm glad it struck a chord.

Steinbeck is perhaps my favorite novelist so I should imagine other characters will probably make an appearance. After a couple more months of winter...The Winter of my Discontent...? hmm..we will have to see.

Yes...Poirot was treated shoddily. What stayed in Reno this time...Poirot's self-respect.

Thank you for your kind words my friend! Being my first mystery story...it was a little daunting trying to set it up...and of course...still be weird.

Thomas


Arlene V. Poma 4 years ago

Thomas: You would have to mention the Donner Party? No, for the ones who made it here, getting out West was certainly no picnic. Whoooops! Forget I said "picnic." I fell out after that. And I do remember Mel Cooley. Ahhhhhh, what a guy. Oh, by the way. Thanks to you and your previous writing, I am still eating FIG BARS.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Arlene...

I knew that when I put the picture of the cookie in there...I might cause some problems for you! No worries...Fig Newtons have a half-shelf life like uranium. Somehow...yeah...the Donner Party is strung out along the route of the Orient Express...they DID get lost!

Thomas


Arlene V. Poma 4 years ago

Ugh! And the Fig Newtons I bought were knock-offs from the Hostess Bread Store. So now I'll graduate to the REAL stuff. That poor Donner Party. I would not be one to have the pioneering spirit. Double Ugh. I get lost without any help, and that includes snowstorms. I'm better off at home with in my bathrobe, jammies and fuzzy slippers.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Arlene...

And in a matter of perspective...The Donner Party would have LOVED those "knock-off" Fig Newtons come February, huh? I agree with you on the snow thing...here in Reno we just finished unloading our FIRST cord of wood to get through the next six months of hell. Please...tell our story...

Thomas


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD

Once again, I am at a loss for words. I just never know what you will come up with next time. I sometimes wonder what is going on in your head. Voted up and funny!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Jeannie...

You never know what is coming from the paws of an adorable white dog, huh?

My room mate's mom informed me that she had read all my stuff (yeah...yikes!) and so of course...I asked the roomie what themes she likes...Agatha Christie and Angela Lansbury...voila! (laughing) I dare her to say she likes anything else I write!

I am glad you liked this dear...it was fun to put together!

Thomas


CloudExplorer profile image

CloudExplorer 4 years ago from New York City

ThoughtSandwiches shame on you for being so honest here, LOL. The first few chapters of this hub is hilarious, and oh so obviously cynical. I just loved it, but I must return to read more.

I think I'll share this with the rest of cyber space actually on all my sharing tools. Awesome Hub! Voted up especially for funny, and all the others.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

CloudExplorer...

(laughing) ...perhaps 'brutally' honest might be the correct word? I am very glad you liked this offering and as you need to return and finish it...I won't say anything that would be considered a 'spoiler' for the ending to this little mystery story.

Thank you for your very kind comment!

Thomas


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD

Wow, that will teach her to be honest with you! Hey, can you include Twilight in a hub? And maybe some My Little Ponies? Or the characters from Twilight riding My Little Ponies? Sorry... I lost all control on that one. :-)


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Jeannie...

I, of course, do take requests. Now...here are the problems ...Twilight? That's the Vampire show? Yes...I have never watched it. Also, as a 47-year old male...Little Ponies are not really a cultural reference point for me...no worries...I will do the needed research to get this done for you.

The two topics may need to be put into two hubs...you know...I don't want to push reader's disbelief TOO much...but yeah...I'm on it!

WARNING: Their depiction may prove silly and profane.

Thomas

PS....losing control is OK...I do it on most my hubs!


FloraBreenRobison profile image

FloraBreenRobison 4 years ago

Ok, finally finished the story! Wish I could have read this when you first published it but no time for long reading while I am rehearsing. All things Agatha, love her. Interesting that some of your characters are actually dead and have been for some time (Agatha/Mary and Hercule Poirot) while others are not (Angela/Jessica who also played Miss Marple).


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

hi Flora...

Trust me...I understand the time constraints of your schedule what with the rehearsals and all. I have also been constrained by earthly pursuits and am way behind in all manner of reading both here and elsewhere. Before I forget...Happy Holidays in advance should I forget!

Angela did play Miss Marple. She also played a character in 'The Death on the Nile' but as that was essentially a train story...and I was already on a train...I left it out. I'm going to admit...it was fun deciding who to kill and what now. Far more power than I am usually allowed to exercise. :)

Thank you for your wonderful comment!

Thomas


PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy 4 years ago from Portland, Oregon

very well done


PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy 4 years ago from Portland, Oregon

I really like the characterizations in this one. I particularly liked Dr Seuss and have added Murder She Wrote to my netflix queue. Forgot about that show!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

PDXKaraokeguy...

Hello new friend. Thank you for the follow and I have reciprocated...I look forward to reading your material, as well!

I'm glad you liked this and would have to agree...putting the characters together for this caper was fun. Dr. Seuss was actually an afterthought and I had to build him into the story...worth the extra work to have an "expert" medical man on hand.

Murder She Wrote was my Grandma's favorite...She would have been appalled.

Thanks for stopping by and commenting!

Thomas


PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy 4 years ago from Portland, Oregon

Thomas, Maybe if you do a sequel you should add Matlock. He was my grampa's favorite. I loo forward to your reads and comments


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

PDX...

It seems to me that Angela Lansbury will need to be tried for the crime and she will need a defense attorney...I have placed this notion in my idea bucket. We will see what we can do for Grampa!

Thomas


FloraBreenRobison profile image

FloraBreenRobison 4 years ago

Perry mason!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Flora...

I was thinking Perry Mason could form the "order" part of a Law & Order story...where Iron-side would be the "Law" part. Maybe throwing in Serpico for no other reason than to get shot while fighting graft?

Thomas


Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks 4 years ago from Brownsville,TX

Hello thought Sandwiches.. I am new to the HUB.. and I am so glad I ran across your HUB.. this is so funny and well written and just down right enjoyable. What a story.. and your way with words telling a story... absolutely awesome..

Merry Christmas

Debbie


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Deborah...

I am also glad you happened upon my little section of Hubsville and that you found my tale enjoyable. I am considering a sequel that explores the trial phase of this case. If I can make it weird enough...I will give it a try!

Welcome to Hubsville...I am sure you will enjoy it!

Thanks,

Thomas


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Lmao - this IS where I originally saw your "touristy" comments:). I have 40 bucks waiting to stick in my shoe for when I get to Reno! It's a red - glittery shoe!

Yeah I still don't like that sister! I'm gonna see if she remembers that one while we all unwrap gifts at moms.....maybe I'll tell her - her presents in my sleeve so have a look??


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Kelly...

There was a pudding (related) altercation in my yard. In the excitement of the melee...BBG took off with the shoes. Adding this now will totally queer up the timeline...but...the timeline practically lives in the Castro district of San Fran anyway...

Hold on to the $40...DON'T let Scarecrow see it. I look forward to hearing about the sister related issues...I always say (when I am not saying other, contradictory, things)the holidays are not the holidays without at least one cold-compress being applied...

Thomas


proudmamma profile image

proudmamma 4 years ago

This was an amazing hub! You had me enthralled from start to finish. It was truly enjoyable to read! I will have to check out more of your hubs after reading this one.

Definitely awesome!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

proudmamma...

These are very kind words to hear and I am, certainly, glad you enjoyed it! I would make sure that before you peruse too many hubs...that you are up to date on all your shots!

Thanks for the visit and comments and have a great holiday!

Thomas


homesteadbound profile image

homesteadbound 4 years ago from Texas

Thomas - you have added some new pics! I'm rushing off to get my shots now ... I hope it isn't too late.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

hi homestead

Happy Holidays my friend!!

I just noticed that you were the first responder to this particular disaster...and I remembered after publishing that a bunch of pictures went missing..you know...one minute...picture...next minute...no picture...but still an empty picture capsule?

...no...I just reread this...I don't mean to imply that

you stole them...neither will I erase the damning words...

(what kind of person am I?)

You mean...you haven't had your shots this whole time? Oh no...I'm sure there are no problems (backing slowly out of the room...)


homesteadbound profile image

homesteadbound 4 years ago from Texas

Thomas - please don't do that! You're starting to scare me ... (advancing almost as quickly as you are backing out...) What do you know that you're not telling me ... I insist that you tell me... Pleeeeeaaaassssseeeee


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

homesteadbound...

(Comes back into the room with a tray of six shots of Jack Daniels...puts them on a table...)

After observing you...you should be fine...you just need your shots...

Have the safest of holidays!

Thomas


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

homestead...

Marezy Cissmuss twu yu twu!!


epigramman profile image

epigramman 4 years ago

...wow .. bold decision to include the Sharon Tate murder scene - I wonder if Charlie has seen this hub - man oh man I'm speechless and when the epi-man is speechless that's usually a good thing - and if you're not a genius at what you do then I will call you one with a posting to my Bookface page (satanic in reverse)

....it's really Facebook with a direct link back here - the title of this hub alone is a work of brilliance - and then all of the other stuff that followed - hubwow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lake erie time ontario canada 11:34pm


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

epigramman...

I battled the question of including the Sharron Tate scene into the story and decided to eventually...as I recall...because I was tired and just wanted to finish. At the time I thought it was in bad taste. I still do. Mind...it ain't like I changed it, I guess...

Bookface page...I like that!

Thank you for the read, kind words, miss-application of the word 'genius, and share!

Happy New Years!

Thomas


epigramman profile image

epigramman 4 years ago

..okay then Mister Thomas you're not a genius - you're a

gene-yus! lol

great work once again and keep in touch.

lake erie time 8:22am


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Colin...

(laughing) Good...the miss-spelling of 'gene-yus' gives us the legal out should someone question us!! Again, and always my friend, thank you for your continued reading and always kind comments!

Thomas


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS

One word (enough words already written! I'll conserve for a change.) : W-I-L-D


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Nellieanna...

An excellent one word (with a 'W') response! I might have gone W-H-A-T? or maybe even...W-H-Y? You get me my friend!

Thanks for stopping by!

Thomas


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS

Hugs!


Goldentvmemories profile image

Goldentvmemories 4 years ago from London.

Very funny - like your style A LOT :-)


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

@ Nellieanna...

**HUGS!!!**


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

goldentvmemories...

Thank you for stopping by and giving my little mystery here a read. I'm very glad you enjoyed it!

Thanks for the great comment!

Thomas


Lady_E profile image

Lady_E 4 years ago from London, UK

Lovely read - I enjoyed it.

I wonder what it's like to ride in the Orient Express...


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

LAdy_E...

Thank you so much for your king words! I'm certainly glad you liked it.

I, also, wonder what it is like to ride the Orient Express. I have to hope...It's nothing like this story!

Thanks,

Thomas


alocsin profile image

alocsin 4 years ago from Orange County, CA

A great way to start today. Lots of fun and enjoy all the clever one-liners. Voting this Up and Funny.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

alocsin...

Thank you for the read and comment my friend. I am very glad that I was able to "chuckle-up" your morning!

Take care.

Thomas


R9139 profile image

R9139 4 years ago

Great article, really enjoyed that one


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

R9139...

Thank you for the read and the compliment! I'm very glad you enjoyed this one!

Thomas


Ruchira profile image

Ruchira 4 years ago from United States

Thomas

There were quite some twists n turns and honestly was losing track of the story...lol

But towards the end...I found you justified the title of your hub.

Cheers!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Ruchira...

I don't know about you but I got lost when they started using Mel Cooley as a sex toy...that said...it got weird!

Thank you for sticking it out until the end! (I some times like to sneak my justifications in at the very end).

Thanks!

Thomas


Daisy Mariposa profile image

Daisy Mariposa 4 years ago from Orange County (Southern California)

Thomas, my friend, I am sitting here shaking my head.

You're either a genius or...

Pardon me while I go share your article with some people I know.


Curiad profile image

Curiad 4 years ago from Lake Charles, LA.

Not sure what to say here, Voted Up though!

great Work :)


dilipchandra12 profile image

dilipchandra12 4 years ago from India

Good hub, rhyming title. Well written...


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Daisy...

Alas...on the genius vs. (or...) debate...you should know before placing any bets...that the odds are running 4-1 in favor of (or...). So...that said...thank you for reading, commenting, and sharing!

Thomas


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Curiad...

Thank you for the Up Vote and don't worry...I'm not sure what to say either! Glad you like it!

Thomas


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

dilipchandra12...

Thank you my friend for stopping by and giving my little mystery a read!

Thomas


Angela Brummer profile image

Angela Brummer 4 years ago from Lincoln, Nebraska

You are sooooooooooooo entertaining!!! I love reading your hubs. I always finish with a smile on my face!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Angela,

As I rarely have anything informative...a smile is all I have to offer. I'm very glad it paid off for you on this one!

Thank you for giving this a read (I bet it had quite a bit of dust on it when you found it) and some time in the sun!

Thomas


josh3418 profile image

josh3418 4 years ago from Pennsylvania

Thomas,

Wow! Awesome story! I loved the entire thing, well thought out and very funny! I loved how you introduced it with the monopppoly games and ended with having to write the travel piece which "creative voice" said was on the To Do List!

And of course, the story in between was suspenseful in a comedic way and very entertaining! Awesome job Thomas, I am a proud follower!


Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 4 years ago from Orlando, FL

You are such a trip! I thought tourists in Orlando were bad, Reno wins! :)


rcrumple profile image

rcrumple 4 years ago from Kentucky

My fingers are now calloused from scrolling down the comments. They dread the thought of a return trip, and the possibility of hitting the red X in the upper right hand corner is a likely option.

That was absolutely fantastic! I kept waiting on Charlie Chan or Sheriff Andy Taylor to make an appearance, or for Rob Petrie to fall over a hassock coming to assist Mel, but all said and done, fantastic. I haven't seen anything like that since a purple micro dot experience in 1971!

Great Job!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Josh,

Thank you for your kind words my friend! This was my first experience with the mystery genre (with my own particular slant of course) and I'm very glad you found it enjoyable! Thanks for being a follower!

Thomas


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Linda,

Reno, Nevada is currently lousy with tourists this week as we have begun Hot August Nights (a classic car convention). I understand that their money is needed but my preference would be that they just send us the money and then stay home. We would send them a nice commemorative bauble of some type so they can show their friends. My idea...so far...has not caught on.

Thanks for reading!

Thomas


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ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

rcrumple,

Charlie Chan would have been a delightful addition to this menagerie of weirdness! You sir are a trooper to have waded through the comments and I greatly appreciate it! I believe you are correct...the red x in the corner is a viable option if you had not thought to lay out bread crumbs for the return journey!

Ahh...the purity of 1971 purple micro dot...I've heard good things and I'm glad I was able to provide a flashback...lol!

Thanks for saying hi!

Thomas


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barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca

I can't believe I missed this one... where have I been... where have you been... well better late than never! You never disappoint!


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ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hey Stacy!!

Yeah hey...where were we? Mutual psychotic breakdown, perhaps? I never saw you in my ward or at the art therapy class...??

Hmmm...perhaps it was just my psychotic breakdown? Too bad...those types of episodes are funner with a partner...

Thomas

PS...thanks for the sharing and the love!


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ignugent17 4 years ago

I enjoyed the trip and it is really a success!


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ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

ignugent17,

I'm glad you enjoyed my train(trip)! In terms of success...I always leave that up to the individual reader...lol. Thank you so much for stopping by and saying hi!

Thomas


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fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Thomas.......No disrespect intended..to HP.....you should be..could be...would be....easily making a fortune with your brain. Somewhere, anywhere that doesn't have tourists, of course. Tell me you have published a book, already......or you wrote for Seinfeld......don't hold out on me, please.

Reno, Nevada? What's a genius like you doing in a place that smells worse than wet dog? Although, truth be known, I should think Reno would be an exciting place to live...if you're into excitement.

Great hub, No, "fantastic hub." OK, that's all you get this time.


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ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

effer...

Well..not to brag...BUT...my ad-sense earnings ARE at $1.92 for the month so...yeah...?

That said...I have nothing published and Jerry doesn't know my name! I do have a few things in the works...a novel about an inept armored car robbery (along the lines of the things I've been writing here), a "serious" story about World War 2 espionage (that I reference in another short story), and finally, a repackaging of these stories into some type of collection.

I just read your AMAZING fan mail and I most definitely want you to write the back-of-the-book blurb once I get my shit together!!

Actually, Reno is a pretty cool town! Those people who are not tourists are simply awesome! (Only a few of them smell like wet dogs...lol).

Again, your kind words have me feeling like a real writer. Thank You!!

Thomas


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

OH...please, trust me.....YOU are a REAL writer. I have been reading (devouring) books since I was old enough to read, "Run, Spot, run.".....How DARE they did that to the kids of yesteryear.....like we were midget morons!!!.........Anyway......I KNOW good writers...especially comedy!!


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ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Paula,

I remember Run, Spot, Run! I thought it would make a better movie than book, however. Well thank you much-ly! I am going to update my resume based on this new evidence...lol!

Thanks,

Thomas


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davenmidtown 4 years ago from Sacramento, California

I have not been so completely entertained in a very long while.... I even laughed out loud a few times...


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ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

hey Dave!

I apologize for taking so long to get to this one...I'm in the process of moving. Thank you for giving this a read and I'm glad you liked it. Out loud laughing was my goal...thanks for letting me know it worked.

Thomas


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davenmidtown 4 years ago from Sacramento, California

oh It worked..here are you moving too?


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ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

hey Dave,

I am moving absolutely nowhere interesting. More of a lateral move really from south of Reno to Sparks, Nevada which (being from Sacramento you may know) is just east of Reno. Still, all and all, a major pain in the ass.

Thomas


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davenmidtown 4 years ago from Sacramento, California

Sacramento and Nevada are the same... desolated waste lands filled with tourists, politicians and criminals... It is like Tina Turner Singing Mad Max...


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ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Dave,

Well, from your description it is quite obvious that you do indeed know Reno! Since our last communique, (3 days ago), the situation has changed again and as of now I will be moving back to California. I expect to find myself on the north coast (Eureka/Arcata area) very shortly. So long getting a tan...hello rusting from the inside out (it rains and drizzles and rains a lot up yonder).

Thomas


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davenmidtown 4 years ago from Sacramento, California

Thomas... I grew up in Westport... you are speaking my language!!!!


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ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Dave,

I know Westport...it's a nice little town. I highlight the word little! So my friend...turns out...I'm staying in Reno as I've secured a job locally and will be putting the Humboldt move on hold until shit falls apart. That said, shit ALWAYS falls apart...I'm just along for the ride!

Thomas


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davenmidtown 4 years ago from Sacramento, California

shall I send 55 gallon black garbage bags?


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ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Dave,

lol...as I am still in Reno (the Sun Valley portion of it at that), large trash bags would appear appropriate!

Thomas


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davenmidtown 4 years ago from Sacramento, California

Im on it!


mary615 profile image

mary615 3 years ago from Florida

My Lord! You could have gotten at least 4 Hubs out of this one. What a tale you have told. I don't usually spend 30 minutes to read a Hub, but of course, once I started reading, I couldn't stop!

I voted this UP, etc.


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ThoughtSandwiches 3 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Mary,

In terms of length, this one was a fatty (no worries...we validate on any visit over 15 minutes). I am very glad that it held your interest and you liked it!

Thomas

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