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I know exactly who and what I am. I know all of my layers. I know my own potential and capabilities. I know my weaknesses and breaking points. I have few doubts, few insecurities, and few limitations. I chose to confine my true self in this fragile frame. I chose to anchor myself. I chose to ground myself and resist my true nature. I made this choice to be the world to one child. I made this choice to raise one person in love and give my all. I confined my spirit to flesh to become a mother and know the true nature of love in its purest form. I volunteered. I sacrificed willingly. In doing so, I know a freedom of spirit that no one can explain or understand until they themselves endure it.
With all the things I have been made to endure in this life, my true self has strengthened. It has made itself known. It can be seen by others at times. It glows within me beautifully and is often misunderstood. It thirsts for knowledge and yearns for experiences. It has helped me to battle, survive, and thrive. Now that it is fully realized within me, I enter a battle of self. Strength is a blessing. To have the undying spirit of a warrior bestowed upon me is an honor and a treasure. Still the battle wages within me. In the hours or the days that I am alone, my true self becomes restless. This life's monotony threatens my sanity. I resist my environment. I search for escapes. My spirit burns within me desperate to be unleashed. Untamed and wild, it just wants to soar. So much bigger than my frame, it threatens to tear thru my flesh. I feel my skin struggling to maintain it's hostage. I have to hold my mind and body still or escape into the night. The only thing that eases the storm within me is the ability to nurture and show love to a human spirit. The ability to perform the purpose that I chose to sacrifice for. It keeps me stable and calms the storm. It helps me balance. In the presence of another, my inner self shines but does not burn to be released. The satisfaction of nurturing lulls the savage heart back into its peaceful state. It motivates and restores.
It is so hard to describe. I know who and how I am. I know my own potential and I am aware of my capabilities but when I see the world around me, I see turmoil. I don't see any solid ground. I don't see a clear path in any direction. I am sturdy and I am sure but the earth beneath my feet trembles and falls apart. It shakes me. Even the strong and the sure can feel lost.
This is my path. I was created to be able to endure it, but I am still in my human form and limited by my human mind. I battle the humanity in me. I fight against thoughts that would lead me to stumble. Taking a step forward without seeing the path in front of you is like stepping off of a cliff. My human limitations cause me to hesitate. I have had to do this many times before. I wish I could say that I am used to it and it is something that has become natural for me. Unfortunately, as long as I am human, I will struggle with fear, doubt, and delay. The many times I have taken a step out into the nothingness in the blind and have felt the earth come together and solidify under my feet does not make future steps easier. I have only become more comfortable being in the unknown and being uncomfortable. Gone are the days when the fear renders me motionless or when I feel stuck. I no longer feel the grip of extreme anxiety and fear around my neck threatening to hold me in my place or take my life. They are not demons that ever truly leave you. They still hang all their weight on my shoulders as I gradually shift forward. As time passes, I build in strength and attempt to carry them more gracefully but when I am tired I can be overcome and so I stop and breath. When I struggle to contain my truest self, the mischievous pair bare their fangs and claws. Clever imps and their strategic sneak attacks.
The art of balance is hard. There are so many sides trapped in this one flesh. The mind is so powerful and acts as both friend and foe. At times it sides with the human and other times it sides with the soul. I do not fear mistakes. I do not fear judgement. I do not fear failure. I do not fear my truest form. I am just tired and unsure of what it is I need. I do not know what I want. I am not in search of happiness because it already exists within me and still there is a void. A link that is missing. I have very little experience in being selfish and my truest form seems to want to show me that it will soon be necessary to maintain balance. It is a difficult thing to learn during a battle and on unstable ground.
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