The Common Link Between Generations
What do Moses and Marilyn Monroe have in common? They both produced turds. I suppose that from Adam to the end of days this is the link between all people.
In the Middle Ages, kings, queens and other aristocrats deposited their turds on a turd shelf for their physician to inspect.
It is said that a dog can tell what another dog has eaten by sniffing its turds.
Some frat boys call their mates in to see particularly prodigious progenies they have left in the commode. I do not know if any sorority sisters do this.
Muslims don’t like to shake hands because they wipe their butts with their hands.
About 3/4 of your average turd is made of water. The longer a turd resides inside before emerging, the drier it will be. Of the remaining portion of the turd, about 1/3 is composed of dead bacteria. Another 1/3 of the turd is made of stuff that we find indigestible.
This indigestible material is called "fiber," and is useful in getting the turd to move along through the intestine, perhaps because it provides traction. The remaining portion of the turd is a mixture of fats such as cholesterol, inorganic salts like phosphates, live bacteria, dead cells and mucus from the lining of the intestine, and protein.
Poop stinks as a result of the products of bacterial action. These are the same compounds that give farts their odor.
Speaking of farting, I was in a restaurant once when a man sitting at the counter leaned over a cracked a loud one. The cook came out from behind the grill and grabbed him by the shoulders and threw him out of the place.
I was kicked out of school in the 7th Grade for leaving a turd in the urinal.
The sphincter is the smartest muscle in the human body. It is the only one that can distinguish between solids, liquids, and gases. (Or so we hope.)
Harry S Truman once said, “Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.”
Ronald Reagan said, “Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.”
The reason some turds float is a high level of methane gas.
One never wants to be called turd-breath. Nor does one want to be called a Fart Blossom. And it does not portend well to be told you only have the same chance as a fart in a whirlwind.
How many kids have left a flaming bag of dog turds on someone’s porch and rang the doorbell?
I found a site on the internet that claimed the world record turd was twenty feet long and took two hours to produce. But another site said this was a hoax, and that twelve inches is the best we can do. It also said that they are longer the more relaxed a person is.
Going number two in a public restroom can be fraught with danger. If the stall door doesn’t lock, there is the possibility of some unsuspecting soul trying to come in on you. This person is known as a turd burglar. It is good strategy to use the Camo-Cough and the Fred Astaire (toe-tap) to tip them off that you are in there.
If you stink the place up and it is crowded, you may have to do the Walk of Shame to the sink. In this case, one hopes another person does not go directly in (especially traumatic at someone’s house).
A Watermelon Turd is the one that splashes your behind. And then, we all know about the Turtle Turd, don’t we?
Then there are turd jokes:
The sky was black, the moon was blue, And down the alley the turd wagon flew; A bump was hit, a scream was heard, And Johnny was hit by a flying turd!
In days of old when knights were bold And toilets weren't invented, They left their load beside the road And walked away contented.
Here I sit all broken hearted, Tried to poop but only farted! Here I sit in a trance, Tried to fart, but pooped my pants!
What you say to someone who is hard to understand: "You sound like a turd salesman with a mouthful of samples.”
In the days when you couldn't count on a public facility to have indoor plumbing, an English woman was planning a trip to Europe.
She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for water closet. She wrote the schoolmaster inquiring into the location of the nearest WC.
The schoolmaster, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a "Wayside Chapel" near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their minds. So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam, I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.
It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.
You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time! I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.
The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed. I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.
With deepest regards, The Schoolmaster
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