Turned Off

You painted me a picture in interwoven shades of blue

But my dive to submerge saw only one, instead of two

Myopia can't hide your need for what you're feeling due

While you turned your mind off to what I needed in you

=========================

Change meets its purpose as the cold haphazard winds blew

My youth absconded with a scoundrel like a prize he'd woo

Once upon a time you were the tool, and me, but the screw

When you turned your mind off to what I needed in you

==========================================

Ignored when my lines resisted the engineered map you drew

Though my curves met your needs in the bed linens we knew

Abandonment nixed my appetite in the remnants of your roux

When you turned your mind off to what I needed in you

==========================================

You wished for a silent mannequin absent a point of view

My blank canvas gathered strength turning black, it grew

Dolls eyes came to life as light switched abstract into true

When you turned your mind off to what I needed in you

==========================================

Stole your palette to paint wings on a broken bird that flew

Trepidacious traveler found her own path to pass through

Freehanded art brushed by each beat of a heart pulsing new

When you turned your mind off to what I needed in you

==========================================


Comments 46 comments

xstatic profile image

xstatic 4 years ago from Eugene, Oregon

This tells quite a story Amy, of love, of a man's nelgect of someone else's intellect and needs, and of an awakening that brings freedom, and way to choose a new path. Excellent writing, and that refrain works well for you again.


Curiad profile image

Curiad 4 years ago from Lake Charles, LA.

Awesome journey through a relationship Amy, from the place of being used to the place of flight to freedom!

Mark


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

I appreciate your fine mind, xstatic, and your ability to see the full picture. As always, I value your visits and your astute comment. You've let me know that my poetry reached you and I sincerely thank you, my friend.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Thank you so much, Mark. Although, I know it's never just one person in any relationship, there are some bridges that can't be traversed. He's smart in a logical "Spock", bottom line manner, which made him a great design engineer. But he had misognistic leanings and as a result he had little respect for my thoughts, ideas or opinions. I can't remember any attempts on my part as conversation where he didn't interject, "get to the bottom line." I felt stifled and inconsequential. Non-confrontational by nature, not wanting to argue, I let things brew and eventually exploded. It was no fun at all. No sense of wonder, excitement or anything new. I felt defeated when I left a relationship I should have bolted years before. I sought some professional help, got the validation I thought I needed and got out, only to do it again! Now, after 2 years on my own, I can, for the first time in my life, breath deeply. I know for a fact, it's never too late; we never stop learning if we are open.

Thank you, Mark, for your always "more than welcome visit" and stellar comment. I hope you are feeling better these days, my friend.


SommerDalton profile image

SommerDalton 4 years ago

This is by far one of the best poems I've ever read on hubpages! The wording and ending, brilliant! So Beautiful,voted up plus 3!


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Oh, Sommer, you've made me so happy I could burst. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Hugs to you from me


billybuc profile image

billybuc 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

How many relationships could this be about? The lack of communication and understanding....one hearing, one speaking, always a one way conversation.....it goes beyond stifling and borders on emotional abuse.

Beautiful work my dear friend; I am so happy that you have spread your wings and flown that coop!

love from Olympia,

bill


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

I think it's why 1 out of 2 marriages don't survive. Intolerance, lack of respect and disregard eventually comes full circle. It is very destructive. I had to take some time to figure out who I was, what I wanted and what really mattered to me in my life after being told "That my head I was all fxxked up" and to "go get it fixed". But, as long as I agreed with him, I was just fine. Problem was, after living with him, I wasn't fine at all. I still have issues, we all do, it's part of being human, but they are my issues and I will decide how to deal with them. I love being my own person, Bill.

Thank you for the visit, my friend, and your awesome message. Love from St. Louis


drbj profile image

drbj 4 years ago from south Florida

The pictures you have painted with your palette of poetry, Amy, are vivid, stark and unforgiving: a warm woman, loving and giving her all to a selfish, uncaring partner.

You are stronger than you know, m'luv, and I salute your talent and new-found independence.


Faith Reaper profile image

Faith Reaper 4 years ago from southern USA

Dearest Beloved One Amy,

When it comes to you, in my mind, I cannot even imagine anyone turning one's mind off to what you needed in another or why one would not even try, and I do know without a doubt this scenario is played out each and every day. It is sad when one's youth is robbed to another's selfish desires, with no concern for the other. Yes, I do understand that really there are more of those out there than one cares to think of, who just really do want that silent mannequin absent a point of view! Each and every line of your poetry is stunning and powerful on its own, but together ----profound and deeply felt. My heart overflows with joy at those painted wings on that broken bird, who is now free to fly and be . . . never, never too late indeed!!!

Voted Way Up, but there is no brilliant button to push. Sharing!

In His Love Always, Faith Reaper


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

In my moments of truth, I realized that he thought he was not the problem at all. He cannot see past how he sees things, because he honestly thinks he knows it all. So, I knew, in my gut, that he likes who he is. It IS who he is. When I had my epiphany, I saw that blame was pointless. I knew what I had to do. I find there are always those that seek to control. It is up to me to maintain my stance for what is right for me. There is freedom in accepting responsibility for myself as well as blame if my life is not my own.

In all sincerity, drbj, you have helped me with courage; just like in your last line to me here. As others see me, so have I become. It's so good. Trust me, my friend. Sending love to you from St. Lou


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Dearest Faith, I think there's a song, LOL, called "RESPECT" that describes what I need. I never asked him or anyone else to change for me. I just wanted the same; to be loved for who I am; not constantly being told how to dress, how to wear my hair, how to further boost his over-inflated ego. I never asked him to do anything other than treat me like an intelligent, feeling human being. When he could not, I turned off. I walked around numb, in denial, until I couldn't anymore. I will never again hand myself over to another human being. I would rather remain alone and fulfilled, living by my own thoughts, my own sense of right and wrong, within my own boundaries without apology or defense. I wouldn't feel real otherwise.

I love your compassionate, understanding, generous, loving heart, Faith. Your name is perfect, as I am certain you inspire it everywhere you travel, without a doubt, in me. Thank you for honoring my space here with your awesomely inspiring words, my dear friend.


A.A. Zavala profile image

A.A. Zavala 4 years ago from Texas

Each stanza could be a hub unto itself. Very high calibre, so much in between the lines. So much anger and resentment, but in the ned validation. Awesome...


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

You've made my day, A.A.! Thought about creating an audio reading, but decided to let it speak for itself. Always glad to see you and love your message to me. Thank you so much...


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 4 years ago

You amaze me. It takes great strength and emotional growth to know who you are. Your talent knows no bounds. Up beautiful and oh so awesome.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Dear Pop, I hope wherever you are, you are safe and sound on this scary east coast day. As always, I am thrilled to see you here and I thank you for your inspiring, awesome words to me. Your words of encouragement have a huge impact on my motivation and courage. Sending love to you from me in St. Lou


The Frog Prince profile image

The Frog Prince 4 years ago from Arlington, TX

Great work Amy. It's always a two way street. Some how as I read along this song came to mind.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xj2h0LSTY3U

The Frog Prince


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

In some cases, a personality may be so dominant, always right in his/her own mind, and unwilling to consider the other partners stance, the only option is to fold or move on. I could no longer pretend. I'll check out the video, FP. I appreciate your provocative thoughts, as always, Jim.


always exploring profile image

always exploring 4 years ago from Southern Illinois

Way to go Amy! I lived on that street for a long time, then I moved. A two way street was unknown to him. I love being single, never having to explain where I am going or why. Your poetry echoes my thoughts perfectly. Loved it..Take care..Hugs.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

That's why I see you as "Ruby Tuesday", you gorgeous woman, you. When I think back, Ruby, I was a loner as a kid. I preferred it then, too. But, somewhere in adolescence I was indoctrinated into the thinking that it was "abnormal" to be single. I believe I needed to experience what I did in order to feel certain, (using the, "been there, done that " method of thought) about what is really best for me. For some, probably the majority, marriage is a positive lifestyle. I'd never try to talk anyone into anything. I, however, felt lonely while married. Ironically, as a single, independent person, I am alone when I choose to be and never lonely.

Ruby, your support and awesome words always leave me feeling connected to you, someone I greatly admire. Hugs to you


Winsome profile image

Winsome 4 years ago from Southern California by way of Texas

Hi Amy,

He was "making" love, not being in love. Hard for engineers not to make things, not so good at losing themselves in someone else.

Strong, vivid writing. =: )


suzettenaples profile image

suzettenaples 4 years ago from Taos, NM

Wow! Great poem Amy. Unfortunately, I can relate. Certain men are only in the relationship for themselves. Glad you 'woke up' those 'doll eyes' and realized the truth. Honesty is so hard to find these days. I can't believe how well you are able to relate your life experiences in poetry. I love this one, Amy.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 4 years ago from South Africa

I could relate to each and every phrase. Excellent, Amy!


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Yep, Winsome, and when I figured it out, I moved on. I actually saw a counselor before leaving the marriage, and he told me the same thing. He said a study was made on divorces and occupations and your comment is exactly what the study validated. There are always exceptions, but there is a correlation. Thank you for your visit and interesting, provocative comment.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Dearest Suzette, There will always be men and women that are "all about themselves" in everything they do. The problem is that they rarely see themselves as selfish. Unfortunately, they carry on; business as usual. It is the ones that can see outside their own small world that have to make the changes and save themselves (selfish as it sounds). That was and remains an issue for me; drawing the line between finding my own happiness and hurting someone else. I've had to draw boundaries and stay within them. Every time I doubted myself, I've paid. The world will always have "givers" and "takers". It is an individual decision for the givers to decide how much they are willing to give a taker. Since it's my time and my life, and the years keep going by no matter what, I've gotten pretty stingy! But, I still struggle over guilt when I shut someone out. I have to remind myself how unhappy and unfulfilled I am living like a refugee, a prisoner under someone else's thumb. I just won't live that way anymore. Better late than never, I say!

Thank you, Suzette, for giving me your time in reading this and leaving such a awesome comment. Hugs to you, my friend.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Thank you, Martie. I know you understand from having read your work. I've decided I'd rather be considered a bitch when I refuse to acquiese, as opposed to a miserable pretender on a mission to make everyone happy. I lived too long that way and the only unhappy person was me. I haven't found anyone so perfect that I am willing to sacrafice my life. Anyone who truly loved me wouldn't want that anyway.

Thank you, Martie, for your outstanding honesty. You shine!


suzettenaples profile image

suzettenaples 4 years ago from Taos, NM

I understand what you mean, Amy. There is only so much one is able to give in a relationship. It is hard sometimes finding boundaries, but I agree with you wholeheartedly, you can't keep giving and giving when getting nothing in return. I'm glad all of us that have been in this situation, 'came to our senses', and figured out something better for ourselves. Hugs to you always, Amy!


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

I find I have zero tolerance for men that seem to think they can talk me into anything. The years I spent "being sweet" left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. I am not a simpleton and I resent being treated with less respect than I deserve. I used to doubt myself, thinking I might be jumping to conclusions. Turned out my gut rarely betrayed me. I'm loving making my own choices now, figuring out whats right or wrong for me and living on my own. If Mr. Wonderful shows up on my doorstep, I'm confident I'll know it. And if not, I am completely happy. What could be better? If I do find love, I will be a much stronger, independent and happy partner, seasoned by life, with more maturity to bring to a relationship.


Cathy Fidelibus profile image

Cathy Fidelibus 4 years ago from NJ

Amy,

What a beautiful poem.

I can't help but feeling excited for you. This is a tremendous growing experience and a great turning point in your life, as you are obviously well aware of. Great things are happening and will continue to happen for you, how very exciting!

It sounds from what I am reading that your x was a bit of a narcissist. I understand what it's like to be in a relationship with a narcisit and the wonderful feeling of freedom that comes to finally be rid of them.

Congratulations on achieving this goal. I send you positive energy for smooth sailing and great fufilling and gratifying times ahead, which you will most certainly have.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Cathy, Thank you for your totally awesome comment! Yes, I think narcissist is the term I'd use. I started seriously worrying that, come the day I got ill or old, I would be left in the cold, as my self-esteem was a big, fat zero at that point. I finally realized, like the SNL, Stuart Smalley character that made me laugh everytime, "I am good enough, I am smart enough, and doggone it, people like me", and I could stand on my own. What I thought I had in that marriage was really not security at all. Independence is very exciting! I am responsible for me and it's all good, Cathy. Thank you so much.


Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

Gypsy Rose Lee 4 years ago from Riga, Latvia

Voted up and awesome. Happens often just when you need them they turn you off and stop listening. We have but our selves to really on. Enjoyed this and passing it on.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Thank you, Gypsy. Experience is the way I learn. I can read books, articles and personal accounts, but it doesn't feel real until I walk the trail. My experiences taught me that I can stand on my own two feet and feel secure in that. Even more than that, completely happy.

I appreciate your visit, my friend, and your thought provoking, inspiring comment.


lovedoctor926 4 years ago

I have read many of your hubs and like your work as well as your way of thinking. I am glad you were able to get rid of this man. he sounds like a manipulator who only cared about his needs. perfect example is you guys would get along fine when you agreed with him. so many narcissts out there. I am glad that you have become that much stronger woman who won't settle for anything less


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Thank you so much, lovedoctor, for your visit, understanding and support. Taught to be a pleaser, I thought as long as I was nice, I could manage to be happy with anyone. Soon, I had no boundaries and no idea about what I wanted. When I expressed my discontent, I was met with dialogue that included fear inducing uncertainties (I have autoimmune disease) that ran the gamut from "where would you go, alone with a small child" or "stress will make your disease worse" or "you don't have the killer instinct to make it on your own". Once my daughter was not a young child anymore, and I knew I wanted a different life, no longer able to pretend, I left. Now, if I struggle with boundaries, questioning my own, I think back to how I gave my youth away. I no longer minimize, pretend, second guess or doubt my gut. Life is too short.

Thank you for leaving me your thoughts, lovedoctor. Your words give me courage.


lovedoctor926 4 years ago

your welcome.. keep being the strong woman that you are..


epigramman profile image

epigramman 4 years ago

.....well the crazy diamond himself speaks at 4:36am lake erie time

while listening to Hank Williams Sr.

Don't ever turn your mind off Amy because what I need in you is:

10. to keep writing

9. to keep searching

8. to be true to yourself

7. to keep pushing in new directions

6. to keep confusing Google with some of these big words (lol)

5. to keep the Epi man inspired

4. to keep inventing new colors (as you always do with your words)

3. to keep being a friend to all words

2. to be bold; to be daring; to march to the poetic beat of your own funky drummer

1. to keep walking the fine line between intellect and emotion which makes you the truly unique and creative soul that you are .....


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Thank you for a beautiful wish list, Mister C. It looks like we are on the same page, because that's what I want, too. I especially like marching to the poetic beat of my own funky drummer! Circumstances that left me feeling like my life was over 2 years ago, have actually been the best for me, thanks to you and all my friends here who have encouraged and supported my drive to write. You've set me on a path of discovery where I've tapped into my long dormant love of writing and art, which is now my driving force. I've discovered camaraderie in sharing my grievances, what's buggin' me, and the joy in the realization that I am not alone and there is always hope. So, yes, I will keep writing. I've found there is nothing more profoundly exciting than creating something that others find value in, relate to, or are moved by. I am inspired by the messages my readers leave me, I am moved beyond words, I laugh, I cry, I feel purpose, in short, I feel alive.

Thank you for the greatest gift in your moving words, you crazy diamond.


Micky Dee profile image

Micky Dee 4 years ago

Nicely done as always.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Thank you, Micky Dee. It's good to see you.


pearlmacb profile image

pearlmacb 4 years ago from Switzerland

What a moving piece, and I read each one of your responses. I`m glad to learn that writing has helped you move on and come alive, your poetry is worth the read every time. Thankyou for sharing your amazine gift here on Hubpages. Be blessed always :)

Ps. I will include this poem for EmeraldPoetry Ebook project, empowering women through poetry. Thanks Amy


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Bless you, Meg. I appreciate your support through your visit and encouraging words to me. I am honored that you are including this work in the EmeraldPoetry Ebook project in the affirmative endeavor of empowering women through poetry. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, pearlmacb.


pearlmacb profile image

pearlmacb 4 years ago from Switzerland

You Welcome Amy! :)


QudsiaP1 profile image

QudsiaP1 3 years ago

Sometimes it may take forever to break free and find one's wings; one's freedom so rightfully deserved. Sometimes we are entrapped in the middle of a knot that neither loosens nor tightens.

I am glad the protagonist found her strength. *hugs*


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 3 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Thank you for your profoundly understanding and supportive statement, QudsiaP1. Hugs to you from me in St. Lou


CrazedNovelist profile image

CrazedNovelist 3 years ago from Hampton, GA

Very awesome writing, Amy! Like Always. ;) I hope you're doing well and sorry I haven't been around much...


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 3 years ago from St. Louis, MO Author

Hello, my dear sweet friend. I haven't been around much lately either. I am in the process of moving in with my mom to enable her to stay in her home, rather than into assisted living. An email notifying me of your comment brought me back here, where I read each and every beautiful comment again. It is a reminder of how much I miss every friend here, the creativity and sharing of ideas. Once I am settled into my new situation, I will come back. Until then, stay well and enjoy life to the fullest, my friend. I miss you.

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