'Twas The Simpsons Before Christmas: Simpsons Christmas Poetry
In the past 25 years that The Simpsons has been on television the show has had numerous holiday specials, chief among them being the Halloween episodes that are constantly the highest rated of the Season. Second to Halloween though, and the various made-up holidays such as Whacking Day and Love Day, are the Christmas specials. Even after excluding episodes that are wintry but not quite Christmasy, there's still about a dozen of them. And yet, the episode that always stands out in the minds of fans is the first one, which interestingly is also the first episode of the whole series.
Mimi Pond wrote 'Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire' and interestingly it was her only script written for the show. What's more staggering is just how perfectly she managed to sculpt each character's personality even from the very beginning. I'm always blown away with her spot-on portrayals of both Patty and Selma and how they have changed very little over time.
It is with my fondness for this episode that I tried my hand at turning it into another artistic form of expression--poetry! And of course since it's the first Christmas episode I thought it only fitting to also use the same poetic scheme as perhaps the most popular Christmas poem--'T'Was The Night Before Christmas'--as well. I hope you enjoy it!
'Twas The Simpsons Before Christmas
'Twas a few weeks before Christmas at Springfield elementary,
And all the children were singing a Christmas medley.
Lisa was Towanga, Santa Claus of the South Seas,
While Bart got in trouble for singing satirically.
At home Marge addressed the annual Christmas card,
While Homer tried to untangle the extension cord.
Each child wrote a letter telling Santa just what to do,
Lisa wanting a pony, Bart begging for a tattoo.
When on the phone who should being calling
but two aunts full of not just plum pudding.
Was it Patty or Selma? They both look alike.
Who cares, time for bed so good night!
At the power plant Burns was the real Grinch.
There would be no bonuses this Christmas.
Thankfully, Marge still has the big jar:
Money they had saved up all year.
The rest of the family now is at the mall,
As Bart, pretending to be 21, gets a tattoo after all.
The skin sears into a 'moth' without the E-R.
"The tattoo must be removed", says his mother.
It's a delicate procedure involving lasers,
And with cash up front, there goes the jar.
"Now Bart, try not to move or suddenly react
You don't want to get this near your toy sack!"
Christmas is ruined--no money left in the jar;
Nor even a bonus from a Grinchy employer--
But Homer wants everyone to remain happy,
So he lies and does the Christmas shopping.
Pantyhose for Marge, practical and alluring.
Pads of paper for Bart, he could do origami!
A dog toy for Maggie, she can't read anyhow.
Nothing for Lisa, she's a Buddhist now.
It's Christmas for drunks and barflies too,
As Homer nurses a beer feeling rather blue.
Barney comes in looking like Santa the Clown
But then he shouts, "Drinks all around!"
Homer takes notice of Barney's new wealth,
And tries to become a mall Santa himself!
No money will be paid until Christmas Eve,
Until then he has two jobs and very little sleep.
Meanwhile, Patty and Selma are rude as can be,
Criticizing the house for not having a tree.
Homer cuts one down himself, birdhouse and all,
With just a hint of gun powder filling the hall.
Homer the Claus is at the mall trying to get paid,
When Bart, on a dare, yanks Homer's beard away.
Revealed, he tells Bart about his little secret
And Bart gives his father some very brief respect.
At the bank Homer hopes for a big, fat paycheck!
But less SSI, insurance, and training it comes to 13 bucks.
Homer and Bart leave, dejected and poor as before,
When Barney comes barreling through the front door.
Barney says, "There is a bet I must place
On Whirlwind in the fourth race!
It's a ten-to-one shot. Money in your wallet!"
But Homer is still hesitant.
Bart pleads, "This could be a Christmas miracle!"
Homer relents but remains skeptical.
Lisa and Marge are at home with the gruesome pair,
And Homer is glad at least he isn't over there.
At the last minute Homer bets on another dog,
Called Santa's Little Helper, it has 99:1 odds.
Whirlwind wins! But there's still a miracle to be found--
The previous owner doesn't want the losing dog around.
The wiry dog lumbers down the race track,
Nearly knocking Bart down onto his back!
Homer laments that the dog's a loser and pathetic,
Then realizes for a Simpson that makes him perfect.
At home, the family listens to a confession by Homer
but is interrupted by the new pet, Santa's Little Helper.
No ones cares about what Homer has to say,
the little greyhound has saved Christmas day!
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