Twelve-Step Program for Salami Addiction

A Hell's Kitchen Genoa Salami, and other stuff, sandwich from Salami.com
A Hell's Kitchen Genoa Salami, and other stuff, sandwich from Salami.com

Twelve-Step Program for Salami Addicts

There are chocoholics and coffeeholics and peanut butter-holics. A small segment of the population, however, is addicted to a substance that is loaded with calories, fat, ingredients with strange-sounding names all ending in -ium or -bate, and found in deli cases everywhere, and in more private refrigerators than Richard Simmons might care to think about.

The substance is salami, and, for really hard-core addicts, it’s Genoa salami -- fattier, more garlicky and altogether more artery-clogging than all the other sorts combined. (Cooked salami isn’t even in the running.)

In any case, it is my considered belief, after a gain of about five (I’m being modest) winter/salami pounds, that this is the only Twelve-Step program guaranteed to work for genoaholics.

“Genoaholics Anonymous” Roster of Principles

Step One. We admitted we were powerless over Genoa salami--that our refrigerators had become unmanageable repositories of the anointed substance.

Step Two. We came to believe that a Deli Clerk greater than ourselves could restore us to healthful eating.

Step Three. We made a decision to turn our lives over to the care of the Great Cosmic Deli Clerk as we understood her/him.

Step Four. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of our shelves.

Step Five. We admitted to the Great Cosmic Deli Clerk, to ourselves, and to another nosher (Yiddish for one who snacks) the exact nature of our pangs.

Step Six. We were entirely ready to have the Great Cosmic Deli Clerk remove all these defects of consumption.

Step Seven. We humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings and expand our awareness to other cold cuts, even those labeled “reduced fat” or “98 percent fat free.”

Step Eight. We made a list of all persons our garlic breath had offended, and became willing to gargle with a minty-fresh liquid before confronting all of them again.

Step Nine. We made direct contact with such people whenever possible, except when to do so would make them or others throw up.

Step Ten. We continued to take inventory of our shelves and when they were stocked with Genoa salami, promptly admitted it and threw the stuff out.

Step Eleven. We sought through slicing and mixing to improve our conscious knowledge of the possibilities in delicatessen, paying only for the non-Genoa ministrations of the Great Cosmic Deli Clerk and for knowledge of what sorts of delicacies his/her will ordained that we should seek comfort in next, up to and including 97% fat-free turkey.

Step Twelve. Having had a gastronomical awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to Genoaholics, and to practice these principles in our daily intake of nutritional substances.

To date, no support groups have been started, although my brother is also a genoaholic and I thought I could count on him. Most of our best moments have occurred in front of his refrigerator, door open, Kabnet-waxed stack of salami slices in hand. Alas, he was recently diagnosed with diabetes, and has given up salami, as well as most foods as we know them, without the support of anyone except his HMO. However, I am sure I will find some other genoaholics; I'll need to check in when I'm feeling tired or depressed so someone can talk me out of a grease binge. With the Internet and unlimited calling, it doesn't even matter if the support group is in my neighborhood.

Bit I live in England now, which is not much good for greasy food except the ubiquitous fish and chips, but I'm thinking the foundation of my organization will come from Brooklyn, New York, nonetheless. Or maybe New Jersey....Trenton. That's about it, though. When I lived in Athens, Georgia, the Italian kids I knew thought cannoli was a pasta dish, so who knows what they'd think genoa was. And all the South Floridians I knew who pigged on grease favored chorizos.

Hollywood Salami

From the 2007 movie Dedication: "Genoa salami. It’s the best in the world."

NOT Genoa. Not nearly fatty enough!
NOT Genoa. Not nearly fatty enough!

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Comments 1 comment

OMG 4 years ago

OMFG I CAN'T STOP EATING THEM. ESPECIALLY THE HOT MASTRO GENOA SALAMI ONES!!!!

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