My Twenties Were an Ugly & Beautiful Blur

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My twenties were a blur and before I knew it they were over. It's funny because when you're in your teens you can't wait to be in your twenties and to finally live with no rules and no boundaries. By the time you hit them you are so confused with everything and everyone around you that you wish you had the ignorance of youth and innocence. Not that you're not ignorant in your twenties. I was so ignorant. I kept people around me that I shouldn't have. Dated people I shouldn't have. Loved and lost and it seems that the time just slipped past my fingers.

I remember looking in the mirror and wanting so much. Wanting to taste it so badly and at the same time not knowing how to attain it. Wanting it so bad and making it a part of me. I had big dreams. Using the beauty of youth and looks to be a model (which though I never tried) wanting to use any of my talents to be famous in any way possible. It didn't work out that way. Every day there was something new to discover. Most of the time I was just finding myself. Wanting these friends because they knew all the great parties and all the cool places to go even though they weren't the best friends that you could have. It was frustrating having all these dreams and trying to attain them at a slow pace and eventually not getting any of them at all.

So using what I loved to take me away from all the pain that I was encountering by using something that brought me more pain. My relationships. Drawn out - loved to the point of no return. Worn out by love. My energy just wanting something out of them. Not getting what I wanted in return. It is hard to be around people who don't love you enough. Don't love you with the passion and intensity that you dream of being loved.

I was too naive to see it back then. I thought things would stay the same forever. Having the same people around. Some stayed, but I don't know if all that stayed were really worth it. It seemed that they had an agenda. Some were jealous or spiteful and hateful people for whatever reasons. I found out that I had an inner strength that nobody could break - that I eventually found out that I think had saved me. There were people who were always trying to tear me down. They loved to tear everybody down. That was when I said goodbye to them, even though it took awhile.

I tried ever which way I could go to find what I wanted and needed. Sometimes my fear stopped me though. It still does at times. I have some fear that is very dark that had built and stuffed itself deep down inside. A little vulnerable spot of the unknown that I can't penetrate and release completely yet. Where did it come from? I don't know. I am still trying to find that out along with my sensitivity.

I wanted to be loved in my twenties. Always wanting more love, but the world doesn't work that way all the time. No matter what you try and focus on as the law of attraction says... or maybe I didn't know how to use the law of attraction yet. It seemed that there was never enough love around for me. What I really needed was to love myself.

I am glad I can release these emotions in writing. It can be hard to go back at times. Hard to feel all of the emotions. There were a lot of people full of hate in my past. I never understood why they had so much hate. It almost radiated off of them when they didn't try to cover it. They wanted all of this power. I had a lot of people who now I know where the ones sucking energy out of me. Maybe if I let them go sooner I would be somewhere else now. It's funny how when you are a kid you think everyone has pure intentions is good and giving and is seeing you for you and then everything changes.

You get to a certain age and you realize that things aren't as they seem. I saw this pretty early and couldn't undertand how life was and how people were. It was so unhumane to me. But, I guess that is life. I couldn't accept it at first and it made me very sad that this was reality. I loved the idea of unity and harmony. That we were all connected. People aren't though. Not all of them. A lot aren't connected and supportive of one another. Instead they break each other down. Some feed of off bad situations. I had so many of those people around me in my twenties that I lost myself for awhile in the midst of my twenties. That was the blur that I am talking about.

People can be dangerous for many reasons. You can lose yourself in relationships. Lose yourself in others realities. Then you can sit there questioning yourself if you don't have a strong foundation inside and are trying to find yourself. One of my friends told me that people really can make or break you if you let them. That the people you should surround yourself with have to love, nurture, and support you. If they don't, cut them out. I think that is so true.

When I sit back and think of my twenties I think of how things would've been if I knew what I know now. If I had the strength and power that I feel I have within myself now. If I didn't do so much self loathing for whatever reason thinking someone else will make me happy because that is never the case. Then I think of all the time wasted... and then I stop myself from thinking that way. Because it was a learning experience. I wouldn't be the woman I am now if not for the confused girl I was before. I am proud of who I have become and nobody can break me anymore. And the self love that I have attained from all of the pain and suffering is what I needed, what we all need all along.

Comments 16 comments

cleaner3 profile image

cleaner3 4 years ago from Pueblo, Colorado

Keep on letting it out Caroline, that is the best medicine, release. you have went from a beautiful young girl to a muture strong beautiful woman. You have matured for the best one you can, YOU!!!

Much love

Michael


Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

Gypsy Rose Lee 4 years ago from Riga, Latvia

One never thinks of what will be one thinks only for the moment and there are so many times that now I think back on the past and wish I had done differently.


Robwrite profile image

Robwrite 4 years ago from Bay Ridge Brooklyn NY

Very well expressed, Caroline; We learn by doing, and what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. We get strength by acknowledging our mistakes and evolving.

Very well done,

Rob


carolinemd21 profile image

carolinemd21 4 years ago from Close to Heaven Author

@ Thank you Michael you always know what to say to make me feel great! :) I always know I have a friend in you who also reads my stuff. lol.

@ Gypsy I know, don't you wish you can just go back in time and change things? Oh well guess that's just how things are meant to be. lol. Thanks for reading and your constant support!

@ Robwrite thank you for reading and commenting. Yes, very true, but it would be great to go back in time. lol.


SubRon7 profile image

SubRon7 4 years ago from eastern North Dakota

You are so right, Caroline, you would not be the woman you are today, if not for the confused girl you were before.


epigramman profile image

epigramman 4 years ago

Hello Caroline - we haven't hooked up for a little while but I see that you are still writing fabulously and with so much passion and honesty here - let me send this one on its merry way to my Facebook page with a direct link back here with my admiration and respect - and I am also here to invite you to a new group I created at Facebook called LET'S JUST TALK MUSIC OR CINEMA - and we are having a lot of fun so far - your presence and contributions would be greatly appreciated and you will already know some of the people there - my name is Colin Stewart with the same profile picture and this link will be on homepage - sending you warm wishes and good energy from lake erie time 5:27pm

p.s. - love your new profile picture by the way!


Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks 4 years ago from Brownsville,TX

WOW Caroline this is awesome.. I feel the same way my dear. I am going to do the same as Colin. I am sending it to my Facebook page. really wonderful piece of writing.

Blessing to you

Debbie


carolinemd21 profile image

carolinemd21 4 years ago from Close to Heaven Author

@ Thank you SubRon for your constant support. :)

@ Hi Epi I have missed you! I haven't been on here that much lately. Thank you for the compliments. I see that you haven't lost your talent either. LOL. Thanx for the facebook link! I will check out your page - what a great idea. You are such a warm and generous person and a pleasure to have around hubpages.

@ Debbie I am glad you can relate to my words. It is always great to have people who have felt the same things either through pain or happiness. Thank you for the facebook link kind lady.


sam209 profile image

sam209 4 years ago

I think we all can relate to this one! I know I can! Love your work!


carolinemd21 profile image

carolinemd21 4 years ago from Close to Heaven Author

Thanks Sam I'm flattered you like my work.


sam209 profile image

sam209 4 years ago

love it!


Sky9106 profile image

Sky9106 4 years ago from A beautiful place on earth.

I couls easily say top you Caroline that of all your Hubs this one sheds plenty of light on your overall situation in this life and from my vantage point all your answers are woven in nicely in this hub. And I love it .

I followed you quite well and it was for all the reasons that are shown here and clearly understood.

The answer had always been lying with you , and you knew it but not to use it as the solution that it seems you now has. It was Truth , but to yourself, but at that young age, you would have to be genius. Had you found any of those careers you had liked, it could have been disastrous, and I am glad you realized that that your youth had an integral part of the life you now live.

Continued revelations and stay true.

God is Love.Great truthful hub. What mistakes ? It's life's road!

Bless.


stessily 4 years ago

Caroline, Really thought-filled and thought-provoking presentation. These sentences have been true for me as well:

"There were a lot of people full of hate in my past. I never understood why they had so much hate. It almost radiated off of them when they didn't try to cover it. They wanted all of this power. I had a lot of people who now I know where the ones sucking energy out of me."

An eye opener for me has been to learn that nastiness doesn't dissipate with age. One of my aunts used to extol the "mellowness" which accompanies the decades of life. Mellowness is not a given.

It's great that you ultimately are transcending the confusion and are transmuting the pain into self-respect. You're treading a beautiful, empowering path.

Thank you for sharing.

Kind regards, Stessily


carolinemd21 profile image

carolinemd21 4 years ago from Close to Heaven Author

@ Sky thank you for your always insightful and helpful comments Sky! Always a pleasure to see you comment.

@ Stessily thank you very much dear lady!


raciniwa profile image

raciniwa 4 years ago from Naga City, Cebu

my twenties was an ugly time for me too...According to John Bradshaw...the only way of getting over pain is to go through it again...writing too helps a lot...the keyboard is mummed and the screen doesn't talk back...great hub Caroline...


carolinemd21 profile image

carolinemd21 4 years ago from Close to Heaven Author

Raciniwa thank you for reading and your comment. I didn't know about the going through the pain again to get over it. :)

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