Unorthodox Weight Loss Tips

How far would you go to lose weight?

Now, I wouldn't advocate any of the weight loss methods below. In fact, I'd go so far as to discourage each and every one of them. However, anyone who's struggled with their weight and has wished for a miracle might find these ideas amusing. (SATIRE ALERT: If you have no appreciation for satire, please stop reading)

1. Follow the Supermodel diet.

Be sure to give your body the nutrients it needs by eating a sensible diet of lettuce and Diet Coke. Or tomatoes and apples.Guaranteed to make you "drop-dead" gorgeous.

2. Forget replacing soda with water. Replace both with Enviga.

Three cans of this stuff have negative 100 calories. That means you'd have to eat 100 calories' worth of food just to break even.

3. Instead of taking the bus, push it.

4. Instead of the see-food diet (when you see food, you eat it), try the c-food diet.

Only eat food if it starts with the letter c. (Unfortunately, this includes cookies, cake, and chocolate)

5. Consider corrective surgery.

Of course there's liposuction. You could also get breast augmentation, to make your belly look smaller in comparison. Not recommended for men.

6. Try the "Fat Flush" plan.

Seems to follow the "toilet principle": Eat a whole bunch of fat (flax seed oil) to help "flush out" the fat. A big hit among eccentric geriatrics.

7. Forget the 3-Hour Diet. Try the 3-Day Diet.

Eat only once every 3 days. Guaranteed to help you lose weight. (Participants should eat a sensible diet and engage in regular, moderate exercise.)

8. Trying to decide between Pilates, yoga, weight-training and running? Do all of them.

9. Try the WWJE? Diet.

When you get hungry, ask yourself: "What Would Jesus Eat?" Probably not a hamburger and french fries, since those hadn't been invented 2000 years ago.

Wondering what you can eat? Dig into the greatest trove of Middle Eastern recipes in the world, the Bible. Hint: You'll probably be eating a lot of fish and bread.

10. Nothing beats heroin.

A favorite with Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan, and anyone else chalking up their weight loss to "TrimSpa". And if you don't like the unsightly "track marks", then opt for methamphetamine (crystal). Minor side effects include rapid aging and zombification.

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Comments 12 comments

jimmythejock profile image

jimmythejock 10 years ago from Scotland

wow livelonger a diet to kill for omg .....jimmy

gredmondson profile image

gredmondson 10 years ago from San Francisco, California

You mean TrimSpa doesn't really work? Anna Nichole Smith wasn't telling the truth?

livelonger profile image

livelonger 10 years ago from San Francisco Author

"TrimSpa" definitely works, but as Kathy Griffin said, TrimSpa is about 80-90% heroin (it says so right on the bottle).

vic profile image

vic 10 years ago

Number six works for me!!

wajay_47 10 years ago

Wow, Livelonger, the effects of methamphetamine on a person's looks is downright scarey! Great Hub!

IĆ°unn 9 years ago

lol, good hub. the creamed spinach and zingers diet works pretty well too and it's a lot more fun. :p

Guru-C profile image

Guru-C 9 years ago

i love satire but think i'm going to try these suggestions anyway :-)

Maddie Ruud profile image

Maddie Ruud 9 years ago from Oakland, CA

I know this is satire. But it makes me sad. As someone with a history of an eating disorder, I've done some crazy things too.

asapilot 9 years ago

Funny stuff. The sad thing is there are people out there who actually do this stuff. I don't understand the obsession myself, but I feel for those who are so driven to meet some image that only exists in their heads. But if you can't laugh at it, what can you do? :)

raymondphilippe profile image

raymondphilippe 9 years ago from The Netherlands

I'll go for lettuce and diet coke.

smarcuse profile image

smarcuse 8 years ago

Satire? What satire?

I long for the good ol' days when it was lettuce and Tab (and that enjoyable aftertaste).

The advantage of heroin - I don't gain the weight back as quickly. Plus I am able to stick to the diet with little effort.

drwhitelight 5 years ago

You completely forgot binging and purging through the power of Bulimia.

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