White Shoe Syndrome

(fashionpolice.net)
(fashionpolice.net)

By: Wayne Brown

 

As much as you might not want to believe it, I was emotionally damaged as a child.  It was a psychological damage I suffered as a young boy and it scared me for all of my days.  I have tried my best to work through it but there is no real cure.  I can only suppress the terror for a short while then there will come a reminder that will send me spiraling out of control into the pits of emotional uncertainty once again.

 

As a small boy, I found myself frequently surround by large women who for some odd reason constantly wore strapped and heeled white shoes.  Along with these hideous trotters they normally accessorized with a matching purse.  I was immediately injured by my first viewing and it only got worse as time went on.  I would hear these women ask each other, “How do you like my new dress?”  New dress, hell lady, nobody sees that dress not with that set of white shoes you got on.  Why you look like a racehorse that has been trotted out on the racecourse all prettied up with those white stocking feet.  Does anyone own a mirror?

 

Easter was just a fright for me.  It seemed to be the one time of the year when every woman on the face of the earth showed up in white shoes.  They were glowing, shining,  strapped, high-heeled, flats and even the occasional pair of Mary Jane types.  For God Sakes, somebody call an exterminator and relieve us of this infestation.  Was I then only one to notice.  Were the males around me blind and insensitive to these harsh adornments upon these women’s feet?  I must say if so they hide it well.  Me, I was frantic and closed my eyes in the hope that it would disappear.

 

Then I heard there was this fashion law that said it was okay for women to wear white shoes between Easter and Labor Day.  That’s a real long time and it will virtually ruin your summer if you suffer from this agonizing syndrome as I do.  Obviously, these women were fond of flaunting this fashion statement in my face.  It was like they knew.  They knew I was suffering and they enjoyed.  Some were bold enough to violate the boundaries of the law only to show up and catch me by surprise in what I thought was the “off-season”.

 

When I began to seriously date the girls, I must admit, I could not overlook my affliction. I could be head over heels with some babe and she shows up for our date in white shoes.  I was much like Jerry Seinfeld.  All my potential loves owned white shoes and I could not hold it in.  I needed to scream those caustic trotters adorned their feet.  I was beginning to think I was a man doomed to spend my life alone hiding in fear of these white gators who menaced my life.

 

I couldn’t shut up about it.  It seemed when I met someone that it just blurted out of my mouth.  “I hate white shoes!” I would quickly point out.  The girls who were seriously considering me as their life partner drew back in fear.  Some realized that they were in too deep. They had a closet full of my worst fetish.  How long could they live a lie? How long could they keep the story straight?  What would they wear with that little yellow dress if not their white shoes.  No, my fate was sealed…they ditched my butt and kept their shoes…selfish bitches.

 

Now, I am not a fashion clerk and some might even call me a “fashion jerk” but I do have a sense of what looks good on a woman.  I can tell you one thing for sure, white shoes don’t go with anything except maybe a public hanging.  The movie, “Steel Magnolias” contains a line that aptly fits in this situation, “The thing that differentiates us humans from the animals is our ability to accessorize.”  There should be a lot of truth in that statement but the white shoes continue to give the animals an edge.

 

Think about it.  Have you seen any women dating men in white shoes lately.  Have you seen any wives allowing their husband to be out on the street in white shoes.  Now, I am not talking about tennis shoes.  I’m talking alligator hide Puerto Rican fence climbers shining like a diamond in a goat’s ass.  Men in white shoes are generally label as used car salesmen and require their hair to be processed into an Afro style prior to hitting the streets.  It’s not the women keeping the men from it. It’s just too much work for the men.

 

Anyway, back to my suffering.  After all that is the subject of this paper that I have so generously decided to write and submit for inclusion in next month’s “Psychology Today” publication.  Maybe then my affliction will be given some legitimate status in the medical community and not treated like something those in the medical field would associate with battle fatigue.  Oh, I am fatigued all right! I am sick and tired of seeing white shoes!

 

You ladies need to read this again and make some notes.  I firmly believe there are others out there of the male persuasion who suffer from this ailment yet they are not willing to come out into the light and talk of their suffering.  Instead they hide in the fashion shadows and continue to date women who show up in their white shoes.  Oh God! How they must have suffered enduring in silence the glow of those ghostly white trotters so immaculately overpowering every other fashion accessory adorning these female delights. They are out there and if you watch closely, you will see them cringe each time a pair of white shoes walks into the room.

 

My ailment plagues me greatly at the moment for we are in that ‘high season’ between Easter and Labor Day in which the white shoes are a flyin’ much like the pollen that reddens our eyes and itches at our nostrils.  I can only hide in the house with the blinds drawn, hold up impatiently awaiting Labor Day.  Pray for me.  There is no cure and no relief.

 

© Copyright WBrown2010. All Rights Reserved.

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Comments 22 comments

Challah1202 profile image

Challah1202 6 years ago from Chandler, TX

A truly awful affliction, I agree. And so misunderstood by those who just put them on without a second thought. You gave me a good laugh anyway, and I needed it. At least you don't have to hear the peals of laughter as you recoil in horror. Good job!


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas Author

Careful now, I have read that the early symptoms are manifest in the giggles. Glad that I could entertain you. Stop by again soon! WB


sunflowerbucky profile image

sunflowerbucky 6 years ago from Small Town, USA

Laugh out loud funny Wayne! I think the only time this is really ok is on wedding day. Kind of necessary then, given the white dress and all. I love it when people can write humor and serious topics!


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas Author

Glad I could find your "gigglebone" Bucky. I have to write a bit of humor now and then. All women including my wife and sister and her mother-in-law have said over and over that my affliction has ruin their life in terms of white shoes! Thanks for stopping by! WB


saddlerider1 profile image

saddlerider1 6 years ago

Yup you hit my funny bone again Wayne with your white shoe fetish. I to have hated them since both my sisters confirmation, white dress, white stockings, white shoes. Yikes. Then my mother, white purse, white gloves, white shoes. I had nightmares about WHITE no wonder it's not my favorite color. They better not spoil the color BLUE on me now. hah. Rated UP as usual, enjoyed it very much.


rkhyclak profile image

rkhyclak 6 years ago from Ohio

Good read and a good laugh, thanks!


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas Author

Glad you got a laugh, Bekka...actually it is true...I do suffer from it. My family and friends break out laughing as soon as someone shows up in white shoes. My sister says that she threw all of hers away! Thanks. WB


SilverGenes 6 years ago

You've chosen particularly interesting photos to illustrate this article - nothing says it quite like white shoes with black pantyhose! I have to admit that I like wearing my white strappy sandals with my white jeans - now that could be the stuff of nightmares! :-)


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas Author

You have the right approach SG...if you are going to wear white then get way into and avoid that stark contrast. Apparently some women who are totally unaware that something quite large and wide is constantly following them around think they look good in white pants...a whole new level of horror! Thanks for the read! WB


lalesu profile image

lalesu 6 years ago from south of the Mason-Dixon

Oh, Dear Wayne, I've got some bad news; thanks to the very popular fashion advising duo of Stacy & Clinton on TLC's 'What Not To Wear' women everywhere are now learning that the 'no white after Labor Day' rule no longer applies, haha!

However, have no fear of signing onto HP and finding a profile pic of me festooned in pedestrian white; I don't own a pair and after reading this, certainly never will!


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas Author

Laura...love that term "pedestrain white"...there's a poem there! WB


W R Haven profile image

W R Haven 6 years ago

Very clever and very funny!


cjv123 profile image

cjv123 6 years ago from Michigan

Hil-arious! Still laughing as I write this. But something tells me - while you jest - you're actually being serious. Regardless - I was never a white-shoe kinda gal past childhood. But I confess - do white sandals count as part or your horror??? That I am guilty of I'm afraid...thank the Lord my guy (of 30 years) is a leg man...

Very enjoyable Hub Wayne! ;-)


prasetio30 profile image

prasetio30 6 years ago from malang-indonesia

I never know about this syndrome before. Actually your title very provoking. But good for fashion idea. For me personally, very rare woman wore white shoes. Like you said before in your comment, it looks contrast with the clothes. Nice hub. I rate this up.

prasetio


magnoliazz profile image

magnoliazz 6 years ago from Wisconsin

If you never want to see white shoes again...tell her white shoes make her feet look BIG! And its true, they really really do. No woman on earth wants her feet to look BIG!

I do wear white sandels, which are far less upsetting, even you may be able to tolerate white , almost not there sandels.

LOL...you are FUNNY!


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas Author

magnoliazz...you are exactly right. White shoes do make women's feet appear large and looming. Those sharp toe high heels look like white enamel canoes! I am not so sensitive on the white sandals if they are the minimum strap variety...as you say, "barely there". Thanks for the feedback! WB


Truckstop Sally profile image

Truckstop Sally 5 years ago

And after another glass -- even funnier!! Not sure I have owned a pair of white shoes as an adult, but my feet are so small -- maybe I should get a pair! Now what about the men who wear white shoes?? Look at the first few seconds to see Pat Boone -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8sdlK2cWc8&feature...


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 5 years ago from Texas Author

@Truckstop Sally...Wear them with caution! They will overpower the prettiest thing you could put on...like wearing neon on your feet! LOL! Ditto for men...Pat Boone ran off the road years ago and it somehow became his signature...I attribute it to being the reason he has had a modest career....Oh my God! White Shoes! LOL! WB


Truckstop Sally profile image

Truckstop Sally 5 years ago

You are a talented man! Guess you don't have any white boots? Ha! I'm good for a few more hubs tonight. I always have considered myself more of reader than a writer. This will be fun!


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 5 years ago from Texas Author

@Truckstop Sally...Well, I'll certainly take that compliment! LOL! But...sorry, no white boots...everything's black at present...brown at worst! Hope you have fun! WB


linda 2 years ago

I love my white shoes with white stocking back in the day I heard u are suppose to wear stocking the color of shoes now that I don't do call it old school if u like but a lot of fashions are coming back it case u haven't noticed


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 2 years ago from Texas Author

@linda...It is not so much whether it is fashionable or not. Good taste and balance always makes the look. White is absolutely overpowering and a pair of white shoes is a fine example--just look at the photos which I included with this article. The shoes totally overpower the outfit which is the last thing either of these ladies desired to do at the outset. Look at a herd of wild horses and you will quickly seet the one that has four white stocking feet--they shine. Fashions come and go but women who get what I am saying here will not be caught dead making this overpowering mistake. ~ WB

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