WHO ARE YOU NOW - Forget The Past
Now is Now.....
A dear friend inspired this writing today when we spoke about "life" and how we make it a habit to be good to people no matter what. I was discussing how I got rid of someone who was a sort of annoyance for a month or so. I don't think he was doing it to deliberately hurt someone but he was not being very "tactful" and he was also hurting someone's feelings every time words came out of his mouth. I told my dear friend how "I killed him with kindness" and what I meant by that was to speak of nothing but "love" and positive things to ease his angered spirit so he could finally "rest" easy. After all when approaching someone this way, it does not leave the other person much room to "chime in" with extra anger or hurtful words. My dear friend agreed like we always do and then this subject came up about the past and how we have all made mistakes. The point is that we are all very different now that we have gone through bigger life challenges and have all grown up. "That Was Then, This Is Now?" Fitting title isn't it?
If I were to meet myself twenty years ago, I would not ever get to know me. I know that sounds strange but when I think of that time I was moving so fast in every aspect of my life, that a new person that entered my stratosphere would never have a chance. My walls were surrounding me like a fortress and I was not good at "intimacy" except for the chosen few. I could entertain and make lots of people laugh. I loved making people feel good or happy but underneath it I was sad and under a lot of pressure. I had anxiety and fear of my elderly father dying since he was older then most dad's. I never could relax because I knew that one day he would die just like my mother did many years before. Where would I go and what would I do? These feelings and the overwhelming anxieties led me to make decisions that I may have never made in different circumstances. Don't get me wrong, I would never "turn back time" but I wonder sometimes what I would have done if my inner side was not so overcome with the fear of losing yet another parent?
When I was younger I wasn't good at being "sensitive" to other's feelings when I wanted something. After all I was a resilient child who hated the word "pity" and always got what I wanted. I was gifted with quite a few talents and learned how to talk to all sorts of people because I had too. So many times that little girls lonely heart reached out and tried to help others in the best way that she could and on the way in one of her journeys these people loved her and came into her life to fill whatever they could. Most of the time it worked but sometimes she kept moving because if she stood still for too long, the pain was unbearable.
That Was Then, This Is Now....
So after we grow up we learn how to feel because we can't escape so much change little by little or all at once. Marriage, Childbirth & Motherhood, Divorce, Friendships, Lost Friendships, Moving, Losing whatever and whoever.... There is no longer any time to "move on" and not deal with the issues or the pain. Now we can count the years til we will retire and when we were young it seemed like "forever." All the running around was so funny then because we all had so much "time" but now as we grow older, "time" is gold and we need to make sure that our hearts are full. One thing I do every day is promise that I will do something and not expect anything in return. This "gift" is from my heart and if no one hears it, "so be it." I know that I have given LOVE and if no one feels it, then that is ok. I feel blessed that I can give any sort of gift to anyone. Even if it is my writing now and I make someone else feel better in some way or atleast learn how to forgive. Forgiveness was the hardest lesson I have ever learned and I had to learn how too at a very young age when my mother died and I wanted to blame everyone. The anger was so deep that it would just show up in all sorts of ways but when you are just a kid it is hard to know what to do. At that time they didn't have grief counselors for children in schools like they do now or psychologists being paid by the state to help children with issues at home. So I held onto the anger and grew up with it too. I was really good at pushing others away and not feeling since I knew what it was like to love someone who died and never came back. I finally let it go when I decided to start a family and started to raise my own children. It taught me that sometimes people are not capable of doing so much or even able to be a mother. I have known quite a few women who decided not to have kids because they knew that they would not be a good mother and didn't want to take that chance. I on the other hand dove in with my resilience and convinced myself that if anyone could do it, I could. Sometimes I lose it just like everyone else and sometimes I just want to stop and go back to ME time just like everyone else who gives all of themselves to their loved one's.
And let's not forget the most important gift.... "TIME" and how quickly it goes and how we all wake up someday and go "What the hell happened?!" So when we finally get to that "A HA" moment we decide what makes us happy and we go for it. But the problem is when we get to mid-life and later, everyone else comes with their own baggage and then this is when we all truly "grow up" because it is no longer a "ME" world at all. It's a WE WORLD, THEY WORLD, KIDS FROM OTHER MARRIAGE WORLD, PARENTS OF WE WORLD OR ME WORLD.....You get the picture.....
Be Happy With Who You Are Now...
So many times I hear people I know say "I wish I did this....." "I should have done that......"
The point is that if we can't be happy with who we are now then it is just a waste of time! At this point of our lives we should be celebrating our "battle scars" and rejoicing with the people that we love. Sure life is overwhelming and hard sometimes but we need to embrace it and make a plan. Little steps they say means a bigger result and we have to be happy with who we are right now.
And forget about how you used to be. That was a long time ago and in order to move on you need to let go of your life twenty or more years ago. I was reading a book earlier today that talks about how a woman always thought of her child at the age of three. Her daughter was already grown up and married but she still always thought of that time. She concluded that the reason why she did that was because she was only twenty-seven in that memory. To most of us that age was quite a while ago but I understand why she felt that way. I too always feel like I am a lot younger then I actually am and infact I laugh at myself sometimes when I realize I'm being an old "fuddy duddy." But the main thing is I am looking forward to aging gracefully and having a nice garden with lots of purple flowers and love in my life in every way. Knowing that the people around me will always love me for who I am and also appreciating everything they bring to the mix in any way they can. I call it "the BIG hearts club" and these people are always easy for me to find because we all gravitate to each other. We all have the same message and all we want to do is give anything good that we can. We are not all perfect but the point is that we all try to make this world a better place in any way we can.
Ask yourself today... "Who Are You Now?" I bet you will like that person much better then the person a long time ago. You know why? Because now you are like a fine treasure with so many adventures and so many stories to tell! Just like that person you loved that always kept everyone smiling. The one you listened too for hours and hours because of their age and wisdom. The one that you loved because they knew who they were.
Hub Pages Author - GPAGE
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