Washboard Vlad

Disclaimer

This story is entirely dedicated to Pam Roberson's "Seduction in a Construction Zone" hub and Christoph Reilly's hub "Captive of the Night," both of which I have stolen from shamelessly for plot, theme, storyline, style, setting, characters and all other elements beyond a smattering of minor changes here and there that I mustered soley for the sake of avoiding legal action. Frankly, glaring ripoffs of this magnitude should be dealt with on some level by someone, even if someone at HubPages just calls me a stink face or other marshmallowed epithet, and I fully expect it, my head bowed and nearly ashamed.

Nearly.

Washboard Vlad

The sun loomed heavy in the summer sky, baking the dirt and steaming the air to molten humidity. Men worked beneath that white-hot orb, bent by its weight, digging, lifting, making. Some drove tractors, sheltered by small patches of metal roofs as they stirred up clouds of dust. Others worked shovels and picks, covered by yellow hard hats and dust-streaked tank-top tees clinging sodden to the corrugated sculpture of labor-chiseled flesh.

Pam sat behind the wheel of her minivan and sighed wistfully watching them work, the air conditioner blowing a lazy strand of mouse-brown hair that fluttered against her pale and slender neck. Traffic moved slowly through the single lane of orange cones, and, a bit impatient, she finally found herself at the front of the traffic line.

He stood in the center of the intersection, tall and swarthy, his leathery skin taut across muscles that were tone and deeply carved, sinewy and glistening with a sheen of sweat that reflected the sun’s hot rays.


“Good lord,” she thought. She watched him directing traffic through the intersection from her left and inhaled in deep delight. His arms were strong and brown, his biceps young boulders shifting each time he waved another vehicle through. A thrill ran through her body as her eyes traced the lines of his powerful frame.

Finally he turned to wave the cars in her lane through. He paused, caught her gawking at him and gave her a knowing, deep-eyed look. He grinned, almost a smirk, and his eyes narrowed just enough to let her know he’d read her mind, that he sensed the girlish thrill coursing electric in her loins. His grin widened with her blush.

He was waving her onward, his sign turned to the “Slow” side, and the car behind her honked. She shook herself and drove past him, mortified. He stared as she went by, watched her every moment as she crept through the orange corridor of cones. He gripped the shaft of his long stop sign and leaned upon it with a single-noted laugh, the wind of humor expanding his brawny chest. His cheeks dimpled, and his grin became a smile.

The whole way home she wrung the steering wheel and swung back and forth between laughter and gasps of nearly teenage delight—and her at forty-something too! “Good God,” she giggled.

She thought about him constantly as she trudged through the tedium of another suburban day, and as the late afternoon approached, she could not help but wonder if he was still there.

Stupid, she thought even as she was walking back out to her car. What are you doing? But she got in and started it and headed back to the construction zone. It was after five, there was little hope that he’d still be there. But he was.

She pulled up and waited her turn. He was turned away from her, and she had time to admire his wide shoulders and the angular taper of his strong back, his wedge-shaped grace. It made her think of a manta ray; simple, brown and elegant; a thing of Nature. She noticed a large tattoo on his right shoulder and squinted, leaning near the steering wheel straining to make it out. A vampire, rendered in black, supporting a woman collapsed over his arm, her head back, tender throat exposed to the predator hovering above her, teeth bare and prepared to bite.

Something about that tattoo thrilled her, and she was startled when he spun to face her suddenly, staring straight into her eyes and staking her to her seat with the raw ferocity of his gaze. He shimmered in the super-heated air. She blinked several times. Did he just shimmer? That had to be the heat. Right?

He grinned and waved at her. She raised a hand and, with fingers barely unfurled, waved back. She could see him sort of chortle at the meekness of her wave, and he moved to her left as she passed. Something compelled her to roll the window down an inch.

“Pull over,” he said. Just that. He pointed to a stretch of dirt alongside the road with the simple motion of his head. One side of his mouth twisted up a bit.

Only an idiot would pull over.

So why was she doing it? She couldn’t even believe it as she put the minivan in park. He was walking over to her, his stop sign thrust unattended into the open mouth of a traffic cone behind him, left to mind the traffic on its own.

Shit, shit, shit, she thought. Her heart was racing. She kept thinking about the tattoo on his back. The vampire. He was almost there.

He approached and she rolled the window all the way down. He presumed the invitation and leaned in, veined forearms resting on the window’s edge, a film of dust sticking to sweat-damp hair that looked very soft. He paused, closed his eyes and inhaled the air-conditioned air. Or her.

He looked at her. She could smell him, hot and near. “Follow me,” he said. Half command and half question, his voice barely rising at the end.

Of course she wasn’t going to follow him.

Were his incisors longer than normal?

He straightened and walked past her car, climbing into an old pickup parked not too far away. It had a stretch of red tape bandaging a broken tail light.

There was no way she was following him.

He drove off.

She blinked, incredulous, and gaped inwardly at herself as she pulled out behind him, following him a few miles before finally pulling into a dilapidated old trailer park near a riverbank.

Jesus, she thought.

He got out of his truck and took a few steps towards a rather wilted looking trailer sitting on six blocks of cement. It was awfully small.

But she got out.

He turned and walked to the front door, opening it. She couldn’t stop staring at the tattoo. The vampire moved on his skin as his muscles worked with the small effort of turning a key. It had to be that, the movement. This close, she could see the vampire wasn’t looking at his inken prey. It was looking out. At her.

Inside the trailer was dark, the only light coming coffee-brown through a drawn window shade and helped some by a lance of sunlight cutting a plane of dust motes in the air.

He turned to her, reached around her to pull the door closed. The space was close. She could feel the heat coming off his body again; his chest brushed hers and she throbbed with the fervor of her pulse.

He smelled incredible. Unearthly yet entirely of the earth. Otherwordly. So unfathomably male.

She had to say something. This was getting intense. Her mind raced. Anything.

He turned and scraped a heap of clothing off the dilapidated couch, the motion scaring the dust motes to churning like a swarm of frightened gnats. She could see the vampire on his shoulder dimly as he stooped.

“Nice tattoo,” she said. Stupid! That’s not even what she wanted to say.

“You like it?” he said.

“Yes. Very much.”

“Me too. I like vampires.”

She smiled.

“I am one,” he said.

“What?”

“I am one.” His voice was changed. Less baritone than she recalled. But the grin was still exactly as before. Disarming.

She gave a nervous sort of laugh. Looked at him. His expression was blank, only the grin. Finally, she stammered a nervous, “What?”

“Nothing.” He motioned for her to sit.

She drew in a long, speculative breath, but still her body placed itself beneath him on the couch. He sat next to her, turned slightly to face her, a long, sinuous arm stretched towards her and lying muscular along the back of the couch.

“You’re pretty,” he said.

“Thank you.”

“I like pretty girls.”

“Um, thanks.”

He leaned forward and nuzzled her neck.  She could feel him breathing, heard the sound of air drawn in as he scented her.  Warm skin touched her neck as his nose and mouth brushed the ivory flesh beneath her ear.

Her body quivered, but her mind still raced. What if he tried to bite her? That vampire thing was a joke, right?

He nibbled once, softly, mostly, and her hand reflexively moved to his chest, just beneath his shoulder, pressing fingers to bend gently against him. The skin was still damp and warm, his body yielding but firm, powerful beneath her touch that trembled some. She still hadn’t decided if she was going to push him away or pull him close.

He kissed the nape of her neck again. Down to the softest turn of her tender throat. She could feel the rough stubble of his jaw. She leaned into him, felt him shudder, his thick-fingered hand sliding into her hair, clutched tightly of a sudden, gripping an impassioned fist. He pressed against her and gasped, his breath a hot wind upon her flesh. He was going to bite her, she could feel it in her soul.

“Shit,” he said, and leaned suddenly away. “God damn it.”

“What, what?” she moaned. The silly side of her, the hoping side, wondered if he couldn’t bring himself to do it, couldn't turn her, unwilling to subject her the life of a vampire too.

He stood up and turned from her, taking the half step that brought him to the kitchen part of the trailer in, well, half a step. He seemed to be fighting within himself, his posture anguished, his powerful hand gripping a dish towel seemingly of its own accord.

“Damn it,” he said again. “I hate that. That always happens. Son of a bi…” He didn’t finish. He fumbled with the towel before him, out her view, then slammed his fist against the wall. “Bad vampire, bad!” he cried.

“What?” she repeated.

“Sorry.” He turned back to her, the towel jammed into his waistband, dangling like a tattered loincloth over the front part of his jeans. “I was hoping this wouldn’t happen again.”

“Wait, what?” She squinted in the dim light.

He stammered, looked away, mumbled something stupid doing everything to avoid looking down at his pants. Her eyes discovered by his ocular omission the vestiges of a still blooming patch of darkness. She froze.

“Woah. Wait. Dude, are you serious?”

He looked sheepish. She rolled her eyes and her head followed in utter disbelief.

A vampire? She must have completely lost her mind.

A plastic statue of Spongebob Squarepants stood on a shelf above the door, fangs and a black cape marking it as a kid’s meal toy dating back to Halloween. She saw it, shook her head and moaned, staring back at him, stupefied. He shrugged.

She stood and, with as much dignity as she could resurrect, left him. She climbed into her car, resolved to, in the future, fantasize about doughier but much more intelligent men.

-- The End --

:-P

More by this Author


Comments 59 comments

B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 7 years ago from Hell, MI

And there it is! Shadesbreath has made his triumphant return!


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 7 years ago from North America

Indeed! I look forward to many more.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

Heh heh. I confess to being amused the whole time writing this.


pgrundy 7 years ago

Oh I married that guy too. But when you tell it, it gives it CLASS. Thanky thanky!


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia

Shit, shit, shit!! How do you freaking do this??? I was laughing out loud (nearly peed my pants thank you very much!) yet I was completely, utterly, shamelessly turned on by this vampire construction dude and the intensely sensual moments that actually caused some throbbing that danced with the fervor of my fast pulse only to end up rolling on the floor laughing again! I LOVED it!

Sir, you are too gifted for your own good, and I can't get enough of your writing. Even when you're writing hysterical stuff that makes me pee my pants, the way you write has pure magnetism with such force, impact and irresistible style that it needs to be controlled otherwise I may have to contact my lawyer...or a doctor. :D

Thank you Shades, you've humbled me, and I appreciate this incredible story!


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 7 years ago from Australia

Shades as good as this is , and I must say I found it gripping right up to the, er.... dare I say climax. I feel for scientific research you should add a poll to see if this was just a one off event.

Perhaps our Pam has this effect on all Vlads, and could be a replacement for Kryptonite or whatever it is that weakens Vampires.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

Pgrundy, all I can say is the showers must be great even if dinner conversation can be a little dry. Well, ok, short showers too. Um, never mind then. lol

Pam, I'm glad to have stimulated your, huh, interest in my story. I can't fathom for the life of my why you would be humbled, though. To be honest, I really wondered if anyone would stay with it to the end, too easy to write it off as an "actual story" for those who don't know me very well. "Stories" don't do too well on here, I'm figuring a lot will get a paragraph or two in and jump ship before the punchline. I suppose you and Christoph have reason to see it through given that I stole it from you mostly, but I'll be interested if many others stick it out to the end like, you, Pam, B.T., Patty and Agvulpes did.

Speaking of whom, wassup, Ag! I like your idea about the survey, but then, well, I think that too much information about, umm... ocular omission... would provide in-sights (lol) I don't want. As for Pam impacting all the Vlads, I think that's a given.


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 7 years ago from Australia

Not Bad Shades, but I stopped reading when I saw the picture of Pest's trailer. Didn't know he was a vampire. Or a Road Worker.

And the thought of Pest and Pam having it off together was too much!

(I lied. I read the lot. Brilliant merging of the hubs. Welcome back. )


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

lol Eric, I was all, "Dude, wtf? You're one of the ones I woulda figured to make it thru." I probably did make this too long. Time will tell.


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

Glad you are back...that was a good one ! ! ! Thanks...G-Ma :O) Hugs


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

Thanks, G-Ma. /Hugs back at ya. :)


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia

Shades, I'm humbled that you would use me and my cone man (who was pumped up to magnificent proportions and blended so well with Christoph's vampire) as characters in your story. :) The concept was genius.

I forgot to mention last night that the simple dialogue was a pure HOOT as well! :D

You pull length off so WELL. Did that come out wrong? lol! What I mean is that the story is so engagingly funny and your style is so captivating that length means nothing. I would have been captivated whether my sexy cone man was involved or not. ;)


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

Thoroughly enjoyable and very clever!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

Ah, well, thanks for clearing that up for me, Pam. I'm happy to use you any time I can. :D

Thanks Cindyvine.


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA

"resolved to, in the future, fantasize about doughier but much more intelligent men"

Hahahahahahahahahaha!!! :)

I'd say more...but you've now made me late for work. I'll comment more later.


Paraglider profile image

Paraglider 7 years ago from Kyle, Scotland

Great stuff, again :)


Azur Moon Wolf profile image

Azur Moon Wolf 7 years ago

That was hysterical! What are you talking about? Who wouldn't read it to the end - I read it twice! Too funny.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

LOL, Spryte.  Yeah.  It's crazy what story characters think.  I eagerly await further response from you as it suggests the potential for further amusement on this fine Friday. 

 

Thanks, Para.

Well, Azur, I may have underestimated on that.  We shall see.  Seems like it's holding together for the joke better than expected.  Thanks, and I'm glad you liked it!


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA

Yeah...I've missed you too. :) And it's freakin' hot here...the kind of hot where you order a chicken sandwich at the BK drive thru and it's hotter than it was when you got it by the time you get home...

Really though...this hub has so many potential tangents and as you've pointed out, it's the weekend...it'll be interesting to see what happens...you instigator, you! :)

As for me, my fingers are itching to type, but I'm eyeing the clock because I've got VIP passes for Star Trek tonight and I'm so PSYCHED!!! God I'm such a geek....

It's so good to have you hanging around here more often. Notice I did NOT say it's good to have you BACK...because I know when I started writing again, I felt really weird about hearing that knowing my attention was still torn in a million different directions and I didn't feel like I was truly back. But then again...I never felt like I was gone either.

Maybe next time I should put the roof up on the convertible and turn on the AC...


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

Hmm, chicken out in the heat. Botulism coctail anyone? Um, as for you being a geek, I'm soooooooo with you on that movie being very exciting. I'm looking forward to it, but not willing to hit the crowded theater full of screaming children, cell phone users, and increasingly more and more rude a-hole patrons who go to movies these days. Looking forward to Terminator too.

And I did feel sort of weird posting the first time, like, a visitor, but it's taken about an instant for everyone to make me feel like I was never gone either. Life happens. It's nice to know that the connections here are more genuine than one expects from the Internet.

Regarding possible tangents, I can only hope. But if not here, elsewhere. Tangents will arise. There's potential for fun on Reilly's hub about Mr. Knowitall, but then I am pretty late to that party. A new party will start somewhere and I'll crash it and puke in the plants as I am wont to do.


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia

Hey, about puking in plants, somehow I ended up taking the heat for that one at Benson's party. Or was it peeing in the plants? You clever devil. ;)


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

My palpable innocence stands in defence of my innocence and stuff.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

Oh, man.  I'm crying here.  Not from laughing, no, but for many reasons.  Firstly, Pam swore to me she wouldn't tell anybody about my little problems, but I see she has told you, clearly, and now you have told everybody else.  So thank you so much.  No problem.  I can dry my tears with one of my many Spongebobs.

Secondly, curses to the HubPage notifier thing for failing to alert me that you had published another hub.  Surely I would have seen this two days ago and would have not wasted my time working on the second installment to my Vampire story, which I only was doing because so many ladies were clamoring for it, and whether they meant it or not is irrelevant since when ladies are saying to you, "Oh, please, more, more," we want to believe them.  So it now has to be junked - thanks to you - with your "Oh, look at me, I write so much better than you...eat my Vampire dust," and then to add a final punch, "and I'm funnier than you, too!"  What a lovely day this portends.

If there is any consolation (and there is...there IS) it is that you have made a mistake.  Yes, you have.  One giant, cold sore on your lip mistake that is exactly the type of mistake you would write a hub about, assuring us all that it "really pisses you off" when this mistake is made.  Yes, Veronica, there IS such a thing as karma.

So thanks to you all.  It's been so...educational.  I'm going to go soak in a hot bath.  Come on, Spongebob.  We don't need them.

 

All kidding aside, frickin hysterical.  I wasn't sure if you were going to come in with the humor or not, and in fact, didn't know up until the actual moment it occurred.  "Masterful" comes to mind.  I really was crying...but from laughing.  It's great to read your stuff again!  And as always, thanks for the dedication...even if you DID make me eat your Vampire dust!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

LOL... Reilly.  You kill me.  But first... WHAT MISTAKE?  Now I have to go read it and find it.  Dammit.  The problem for me is impatience.  If there's some "you're" instead of "your" up there, or "it's" instead of "its" which I do frickin' constantly due to the ferocity of my fingers flying on the keys, I never catch it before I hit publish on these things because I usually put them up within a day or two of writing them.  I don't have the patience to wait the two or three weeks I should to really proof read.  /sigh.  So all that crap gets through.  I read some of my older ones and catch the lamest stuff.  Oh well.  When I become famous, I will have lackeys to catch all my hideous illetteruhcies. (And if you're gonna point out how over-wrought the opening is with adjectives and adverbs, I know. I woulda took 'em out but it's funnier like that IMHO.)

And, for the record, besides there being no vampire contest, you're hardly in any dust.  You are hilarious and masterful to the point of inspiration, so, I'd call it more of friendly tennis match, where we drink while playing and get mad at the other if they don't hit it back because it messes up a "good volley going."


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

Nope.  No adjective or adverb problems for me.  Ok.  Here's a hint. Oh wait...that's too easy.  Ok, since you're my pal, did his skin teach his muscles something?


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

Umm... maybe.

lol

(going to look)


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA

Shhhh Christoph...I spotted that as well.  If you read faster though you can usually just read it in a way that it was written and then it doesn't sound like a mistake...so much...I think...mebbe.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 7 years ago from Hell, MI

I saw it too. I just thought maybe he had taught his skin to tolerate the sunlight. He was out during the day, after all. Or was that another mistake?


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 7 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

Here's to a riveting read leading to doughier but more intelligent men. I like that she learned her lesson without actually engaging in unsafe vampire sex!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

ahahaha... taught... dammit... see, that's defintely one of those I wouldn't catch till this thing sat for a week or three. I've been reading past that since the first draft.

Yes, Mighty Mom, it was a narrow escape. She might have been treated like that poor traffic cone otherwise, or something.


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA

BT - I wasn't going to be the one to point out the vampire working out in broad daylight since writers seem to be taking more and more upon themselves lately to make being one more attractive. I figured that Shade was hopping on that particular band wagon as well...tsk...

:)


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

Since that novel Sunshine (and some others) that hasn't actually been an issue. Is Vlad a vampire in this story?


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 7 years ago from Near the Ocean

Shades, this is the first thing of yours I've read. I'm a sucker for a good vampire story. For that matter I'm a sucker for construction men too. I really didn't stand a chance did I? I'm your new fan.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

Yeah, with those two things going for it, this hub was destined to amuse you. Thanks for the read and I'm honored to have you as a fan. :)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

For an explanation of the vampire in the sun thing, make sure you catch my next vampire tale (as soon as Shadesbreath writes it for me.) But really, I looked it up. Now, the sun doesn't kill them. It just weakens them and makes them feel icky.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 7 years ago from Hell, MI

In the John Carpenter movies (did you see the one with BonJovi? What a load of crap!) the catch fire in the sun! That's great fun for the whole family!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

Yeah, they've progressed. It's too limiting to have vampires be limited to being vampires.

And I think I do know the movies you're talking about... they turn black with fiery orange and then blow away as ash if I'm thinking what you're thinking of.


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA

By the last Vampire Chronicles novel by Ann Rice, Lestat had a great tan after being exposed to sunlight and nearly dying from it. He was then able to tolerate it...

Vampires seem to be going the way of religion. If it isn't convenient or fit our ideal image...just tweak it a bit. :) Personally, I've always thought it would be a really great thing to be immortal...and now that it's much more attractive to be one rather than a nosferatu...hell, I'm all for it. Somebody come bite me now!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

Be just my luck I'd get bitten, become immortal, some extremist group from one side or the other would, that very next morning, come in great force and, after years of reconnaissance, wipe out every known vampire (of which I would not be one due to my recent conversion), therefore leaving me the lone surivor, which, of course, would not be so bad except that right after that, a huge meteor would strike the earth, wiping out all life and beauty, thus leaving me to sit for all time along some gray beach watching the gray waves crashing on the gray sand under the cloudy gray skies.

(Is it Monday?) lol


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 7 years ago from Oklahoma

ROFLMAO!!! I loved this. I feel a little bad for Christoph though. CR think of baseball or something to take your mind off of the act. Just trying to help. Maybe it's Pam's fault, she has that effect on men, she just has to walk by them and they erupt into uncontrollable well, eruptions.

I loved that line

He stood up and turned from her, taking the half step that brought him to the kitchen part of the trailer in, well, half a step.

HAHA!!! funny stuff!!! Glad I finally got around to reading this.Thanks for bringing a smile to my face this morning.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

Hi Gwendy, glad you had some fun with this one. The vampire thing is rampant! You have to check out Christoph's new one if you haven't yet. Get cracking, because my response is coming soon (I'm actually illustrating it for some reason... lol.)


C.S.Alexis profile image

C.S.Alexis 7 years ago from NW Indiana

glad to hear you will be illustrating it for no needed reason, I am not a vampire fan but I am enjoying this and looking forward to the next.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

Cool, thanks C.S. Alexis. I'm glad you're having some fun with all the vampireness. Weird it's not even Halloween or anything... not near the Twighlight releases... just sort of random vampire action. Leave it to Christoph to start something so unexpected.


Cris A profile image

Cris A 7 years ago from Manila, Philippines

shades

I don;t how I missed this but I did! Anyway so this is the um germinal laugh-fest! LOL I read somewhere in the forums that you are one funny man, if not the funniest. Well, the hubber who said that wasn't lying! More of Vlad! :D

Btw, I have created you a Keira Knightley wallpaper - as you requested. Check it out on my "wallpaper" hub. :D


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California Author

Hah, awesome, I'm gonna check it now! (and thanks, this was a fun one to write)


mysterylady 89 profile image

mysterylady 89 6 years ago from Florida

You are unbelievable! Thanks for the laughs.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Hi Mysterylady, thanks for the read! This poor story never sees the light of day (lol). I laughed the whole time I wrote this dang thing. Hate to see it buried. Such is the life of fiction on HP though. (sigh).


mysterylady 89 profile image

mysterylady 89 6 years ago from Florida

This hub is much too funny to be buried! I had already read Pam's hub but went from this to reading C.R.'s. He said he would pay this another visit, but I guess he hasn't.

I tried to follow up on a comment you made on the forum about Mark Twain, tried to post it, but my comment disappeared, and later the forum did. Ah, well!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Well, I'm glad you liked it. If you get bored, you can go have a look at Plant Racism and maybe Amoeba Farms hubs and be amused too. Different style, but the Plant one makes me chuckle still, and the Amoeba farms has one story within it that is pretty good. I've been watching people's profiles, and everyone promotes the ones they like. I should probably link five or six of the ones I want people to read in mine too, given I've got a few up these days. I was looking at Sufidreamer's profile and that's a pretty cool set up.


mysterylady 89 profile image

mysterylady 89 6 years ago from Florida

I just read (and thoroughly enjoyed ) Plant Racism and am headed next to Amoeba Farms. Thanks!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Good, I'm glad you liked it. That garden needs tending.


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK

How did I miss this? The joke asside, this is a lesson on how to write wonderful literature! Man, You Are Good!

I am impressed beyond words and I shall leave it at that!


Sunny Robinson profile image

Sunny Robinson 6 years ago from Tennessee

Oh yeah, we all have much to learn from you and Christoph. Damn. So funny to read all the comments, too!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California Author

Hiya, De Greek. I'm glad you liked my story. It is pretty funny for those that stay till the end. Going off too early definitely ruins the fun. :D

Sunny, I have to tell you, the funnest part of writing comedy on HP is the remarks I get from the people around here. There are some HILARIOUS characters lurking in the HP hallways. Which it's funny that you should mention Christoph in a comment right after a comment by De Greek, two of the, if not the two funniest people here.


Sunny Robinson profile image

Sunny Robinson 6 years ago from Tennessee

Don't worry, I've followed De Greek, too. Just now, in fact. And oh wow, he's got a hub on his wife's ass... *wanders off*


MsHollyAnn profile image

MsHollyAnn 5 years ago

Well I just have read your stuff and golly you were right. Makes me think of how lucky I am to be a girl, cause no matter how turned on I happen to get I have the luxury of hiding it, I'd probably just chew my lip off though!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

Well, I was wondering if you'd actually check it out. So, thanks for that, very cool. And yeah, being a girl has way more advantages than some factions would let on. A little mental discipline, and you could probably dodge that lip thing, by the way.


arusho profile image

arusho 4 years ago from University Place, Wa.

Wonderfully sensuous and humorous story!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 4 years ago from California Author

Thanks, Arusho. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

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